I got to do better....

Okay I am not sure what I wrote about last but lets catch up... I am in the process of buying a new car, actually if nobody pisses me off I am gonna have a brand new Ford Fusion.......

The process as been somewhat interesting.... (1) was the financing I went to my credit union first and they said they could only finance 90% of the purchase.....WTF!!! that's the craziest shit I had ever heard. So then I went to my insurance company and they said they could do it but for 7.89% (somewhat high, I know) but it was cool I was paying the car off early and wasn't gonna use the max. amount I was approved for. (2) find the vehicle, now I must tell you that I pretty much have been stalking the market since last year. My initial choices were between Camry, Accord, Grand Prix, Fusion. I breifly got distracted by the Audi, Volvo and Saab. I mentioned to my S23 that I was gonna purchase a new car and she suggested I read Millionaire next door, which I did and that's when I decided I was not going to spend more than a millionare spends on a car the average millionare spends about $23,000 on a vehilce, so those were my price range was going to be $23,000 but not to exceed $25,000 after tax title and license. I wanted a 2007 Ford Fusion with a V6 engine and a moon roof. As I looked more I decided that i wanted leather seating...Now for those that don't know I am driving a 2001 Ford Escort with manual windows, manual looks, radio with tape deck, no special options, but I love Ziggy. But I felt I have worked hard, been financially responsible and I deserved some perks.....So I went online and I emailed all the dealership in the state that had the vehicle with the options I wanted. I waited impatently for them to respond. Some did and others did, and ohters probably should not have. I intially did not provide my full name just my first initial and last name, they thought I was a man until i mistakenly sent a email back with my full name. Well as we are talking one dealer ask for my address so he can compute the taxes. okay for thouse that don't know if dealers have to vital "points" of information on you they can pull your information and decide how much you should pay (at least that's my theory), so I politely emailed him back as why he needed my full address s0 he could do a tax watch, I googled tax watch and found nothing in relationship to purchasing a vehicle, I told him that all the other dealers just needed my parish of residency why does he need my full addy and what is a tax watch, I a still waiting for his answer. Well last week I narrowed my searh down to 5 and did a drive by at the 2 lots that had these vehicles, at which point i narrowed it down to 2 one at each lot. Now one had a navigation system it was really nice but they didn't want to sell it to me in my price range. The other was like okay we can do this, after I explained to them I was aware of the invoice price, and laught and the suggestion that I was going to pay the MSRP for a vehicle and for a vehicle at teh end of the year. Now the invoice price was really easy to get I just to Edmunds and built the car based on the window sticker from the dealers website. Well so the my first choice the black one fell through and so on Monday I called the #2 Dealer and said I want to buy my car today, I have filled out my credit application online so if you can beat my current intrest rate you can finance me. Now I had spoken with my insurance company and told them that I was purcasing my car and I needed a check (it was about 3:50) and they closed at 5:00 so I told the dealer to fax the information over so they would have it, plus I need to go pay my insurance on my new vehicle and drop full coverage on my old vehicle all before 5pm. I get to the dealership at 4pm and this is were i started to get pissed. She sits me down in her office, we exchange pleasantries (because this is our first meeting, we have only communicated by internet and one phone call before i came) and then she starts asking me question, my name, my address, how much money do I make. I am like WTF, she says we have to fill the application out because she needs a hard copy (even though i have been approved already online) all i wanted to know was the interest rate. So I start to get pissed then she hands me a HIPPA form which pretty much says that they are gonna sell my information (HELLFUCKNO) then she goes to teh sales manager as he plays with his co-workers and takes his sweetasstime. oh I am steaming.....cause i thought I was gonna get there and find out the interest rate and say yeah or nay and sign some papers and get the fuck out. So I sit there, and she can see that iam boiling

I am started this earlier last week but i decided to just post it.

Its been a while

I was looking at my last post which was dated November 19....damn its almost been a month since I have exposed you to this nonsense I call my life. Lets see....

As of right now I am tired and overwhelmed. Okay let me first say I am a control freak, I have difficulties letting go and sharing responsibility with others. I fell like its my job to do everything and think after a while my family buys into the notice that F22 will do it, F22 will take care of it and I usually bitch and complain and then take care of it.

Right now I am in the process of purchasing a new car and the mfs are pissing me off. I really don't want to go to the dealership until i am picking up my car but i think I m gonna have to take my angry black women skit to the dealership cause they are fucking with me. I have secured my financing and email 5 dealerships who have the car with options that I want and I don't feel like they are taking me serious. When I sent the emails per there website I didn't provide any identifying information other than my first initial and last name and a email address. I made the mistake when responding to one dealership of leaving my full name on the email (automatic signature) and he emailed me back saying he need my full address because he need to do a tax watch. this is my response to that and his response to me.

What's a tax watch? I have never heard of that, the other dealers that I have been communicating with only need the parish or city to determine the taxes. HIS RESPONSE:
well they are shooting from the hip i don't do that i will not loose your business over price but i like to have all my ducks in a row

Now when I got this response i was pissed, I felt like he was fucking with me. He did not answer my question which led me to believe he was full of shit. I am gonna give him until Thursday/Friday to figure out that he never answered my question and until he does we can't move forward. NOW WHY WANT I GIVE HIM MY ADDY-its my understanding that once they have to vital points of information they can pull your information. like when you give them your DL before you test drive a vehicle (they are researching you) while you are taking the car for a spend and I don't want them to research me and determine what they think I should pay for this car or any other car for that matter....

Another dealership that I am dealing with the woman sent me a quote for the most expensive vehicle that is on the lot that fit my specs. how do I know cause I searched the inventory and asked her was this the only vehicle that met my specs and she said no, when can you come into the dealership to look at them. I got pissed once again because I am thinking if i had time to come in would i be communicating with you through the Internet. NO... so i responded by saying that I really don't have time to come and spent with her at the dealership, that when I come in it will be to purchase a vehicle not to look and browse. I am still waiting for her response.

Another dealership I has been sending me emails about trade-in and why i should choose them.

This is a nightmare.....I said I was gonna wait until Thursday afternoon and send all 5 dealerships a nice letter stating my frustration and my desire to find someone else to sell me a vehicle, whether at there dealership or somewhere else.


What else......Return of the EX.....
Okay a guy that I dated several years is back in my life and he is phucking my world up. Okay who is this man. I have known this man all my life he is actually my cousin's cousin. We are not related. Growing up we always were attracted to one another, he has lived in Ohio and I lived in either Arkansas or Louisiana. Well when we graduated from high school he went to the navy and i went to college and some point he got out and went back to Ohio and I graduated and went back to school. Now we would see each other occasionally when he would come to visit his family and we would hang out but nothing serious. Well my first year of law school we were talking a lot and he breaks the news to me that he is moving to Louisiana, i am like WTF....Excited scared all of the above. So he comes to visit me like in November and we have a GREAT TIME!!!! He tells me that he is moving down in December and that he will be staying like 3 hrs away from where i am living but he will be traveling the state so he will always be in south LA when I am down and can be in North LA when I am up there. Well we date and its good, he makes me sick and but I love the way he makes me fell. We have issues but never really talk about them, we just take time away from each other and start back up. Well we were having "problems" and were in one of our time out phases and I met someone and we start "talking" but HE comes back and we hang out and I tell the new guy about it and he is really pissed and we stop talking well HE and I start back up and then we have one another time out well this time was a little longer than normal, he is in town and stays with me however there is hella tension and he goes his way and we don't talk. Well one day I get a call, like a month or so later and he tells me he is getting married. WTF!!! MARRIED. YOUR ASS WAS JUST IN MY BED A MONTH AGO (though nothing happened). When did all of this take place. So I say Congratulation whens the date, where. He tells me that its sometime in July in Ohio and we get off the phone. of course i call my girls and tell them and they are like do we need to make a trip I am like no I am okay, which i really was, yes i was hurt but figured obviously she makes him happy oh well...My friends are not understanding my response to this they think i should be violently mad. well anyway I decide to give him a gift, so I call to find out where they are registered and he says no where WTF????? and then he tell me that his wife doesn't drink WTF?? so I make him a basket, yes i tap into my domestic side and make him this beautiful basket with rose petals and stuff for them LOL!!! once again my family and friends are not understanding my response to this and neither is he. But I meet him at his hotel when he was south LA and give it to him and wish him luck and that's the last time i talk to him. Well I hear about his wife and what not from our mutual family and how they never see him and what not. Surprisingly I never run into him. Well a couple of months later I get a call from him and he wants to talk (I am so not in the mood for this shit) He tells me he is getting a divorce (after less than a year). So listen with a tentative ear and sarcastic mouth about the woes of his failed marriage and he says something to the effect that he wants to see me and I am like hell no. Well over the next years or so we don't talk/talk cause I refuse to go there with him. So the Christmas before last. (now he has moved to Atlanta) He came to visit and we hung out. Initially I was guarded and cold to him and then we started talking about and stuff and it felt good damn good to be with him again and thank God he took his ass back to ATL. Well last Christmas I was in a relationship and made it my business not to see his ass while he was here (and he to was in a relationship) ironically enough i was back with the guy from law school who he jacked things up with before. So we didn't see each other. Fast Forward to last month.... I get an email saying make no plans for Christmas because HE wants to see and HE isn't taking no for an answer. Of course I laugh and call him and ask WTF? We talk and he tells me how he loves and cares for me and wants another chance..... I am think ( i should say that we are friends now and we get alone fine). When I think of him I think of a lot of things, I think of a life long friend who I can drink and try new restaurants with, have a good time doing absolutely NOTADAMNTHING with, GREAT AMAZING MIND BLOWING SEX and when I think of my current status the negatives seem like small stuff. I told him I don't know about us getting back together because for one he lives 8 hrs away and that to long distant for me, and then I am not sure how i feel about him whether I love him or just love the way I feel when I am around him.

Wow!!!

Its been almost a week since I last posted something. Not really has happened since I've last written. I will say I have eaten breakfast with my dad a couple of mornings, though I'm not a morning person and we don't really talk as much, I do enjoy it. Lets see I not really sure what I want to talk about. I am at work early (8 am.) suppose to be here for 9 but court doesn't start until 10 so I am so early, how productive will i be, time will only tell.

I am not really sure what I want to talk about today, nothing really has crossed my mind. What does everyone have planned for the holiday. Me nothing really, lately I have been so tired and haven't really wanted to do anything but sleep and eat and speaking of which I got on the scale last night and it said I weigh 200 lbs. (I am only publishing this so that I will be motivated to to do something about it) I am not sure why i am so surprise all I do is eat and sleep and hardly ever go work out and besides last Thanksgiving I was at 200 lbs. I must do something about this cause I want to bring sexy back for 30 and I have 9 months to get it together. My goal is to lose about 40-50 lbs. When I graduated from high school I was 150 so if I can get around that weight I will be so excited and if its true that every 10lbs is one dress size that's like 4-5 dress sizes (which would put me in a 10 or 8). You all do know if I get down to a size 10 or 8 for my 30th birthday you want be able to tell me a damn thing.

My plan:

Go to the gym 3-5 a week

Get on a schedule, which would only 8 hours of sleep, going to bed at the same time--10:30 and getting up at the same time (6:30 a.m)

Not eating after 8:30, eating less (cookies, ice cream, etc.)

Not eating out as much, trying to eat more meals at home

I do have a question does anyone know how to loose breast weight?


Other things I need to do:

1.) Purchase a new car (plan to do that next month)
2.) Finish my book that S23 recommended, its in my purse but I never pull it out to read it when I have free time
3.) Apply to my L.LM programs
4.) Get serious about my budget and investments
hold on i have list in my purse lets see what on it
okay that's another blog.....I will get to that later.....

Okay I guess I will work through some files before i go to court.







Thats all I can think of right now,

Pros

I was thinking hell I would know more about him than any random guy that I met at the club, in the mall, at church. Since I represent him I have access to all of his personal information. I know more about him where he lives, where he works, where he has worked, his criminal history or lack there of, if he has gotten any speeding tickets, ever been stopped by the police, if there are any liens on his property, how much money he makes. Hell other than his credit score and blood type (actually I think I have access to that to). what would be so bad......OH I COULD LOSE MY LICENSE THAT WORKED SO HARD FOR!!!

CASE CLOSED!!!!

Staying on the straight and narrow

Okay so yesterday I had the day off and I just didn't feel like blogging, but you all didn't miss anything from this thing I call my life. What did I do on my off day. I got up and took my dad to work and we ate breakfast together. Then I went to the Elementary school where I am doing Jr. Achievement this week, followed by a stop by the office ( you know I couldn't stay away) I stayed about 2 hrs., which is good for me. I then went home ate a bowl of cereal and got in the bed and had a delicious nap. I then got up, cleaned up and went through my closets and drawers and took out things that I can't wear or haven't worn and put them in a stack. Then I went to pick my dad up from work and dropped him off at the house and then I went to the gym. I did abs and cardio (now I haven't been back to class since like June maybe and my last day was boot camp day and guess what we had a mini boot camp when i came back that damn D). So then I came home, ate watched a little TV and bath and got ready for bed. I couldn't not have planned it better.


So today I wake up sore, my stomach, my arms, my back, my legs shit I am sore. But it feels good.

What I really want to talk about is my client that asked (kinda) me to dinner today. Now if want to know where the fine brothers are come to court, some are in orange, yellow and red. Some are in criminal court or domestic court (child support and divorce). Some are the police that come to testify or they work for the sheriff office. I must say I am surrounded by an abundance of fine black men. now I am just talking about the physical, now weather they are sane or not or have many other issues is a different question. Well I am representing this guy for Unauthorized Entry of an Inhabited Dwelling, what did he do he went to his girlfriends house and saw another man there, kicked in the door and got into a fight with the other guy who he says gave him a run for his money. I had been noticing him looking at me but I didn't pay him any mind. Well today I am talking to him about his case and he says "I guess asking you to dinner is out of the question as long as I am a convict." my response was "YES". Now besides it being unethical for me to date any of my clients while I represent him. I pose this question would it be so crazy to date somebody I have represented? Okay I have to go back to court but I will come back with my thoughts.

I guess I will finish fear of the black man Part II

So off to college I go with a boyfriend in tow that is in school in DFW and I in BTR and I see so many men. But I was in love and faithful. Needless to say I broke up with him that October of my first semester. I am glad to report that he is one of my bestest and closest friends today.

Okay the men I met in college. When I first got to college I had a job on campus in the Engineering department. I met this upperclassman who was an Alpha. I was so afraid of him, cause he was older, greek and fertile (he had a son). He didn't make any moves on me initially we just talked and he would give me rides home after work and we just chilled. Oh I forgot to mention I think his baby mamma went to school with us as well. So we talked and were friends my first year in college. He was a true friend. Well let me go back. At the beginning of my second semester my classes got purged because I forgot to return my fee bill stub, I didn't owe anything but I forgot to return it and my classes got purged. Well he was very instrumental helping me get classes and everything straight so we still talked during my 2nd semester mind you I would never go out with him or doing anything other than maybe kiss him. I was so afraid of him. I was like 18 and he had to have been like 23 0r older. Well anyway after I come back after the summer we hung out a little bit but we ended cause i was so afraid of him till it was ridiculous. In college i didn't really date people (i would occupy time and then move on) until I met LeMar. When I first met LeMar I really wasn't all that interested in, I was actually interested in his friend. Come to find out they weren't even friends they were just cool. LeMar wore me down he chased me for about 1 year. He was a year behind me in college and he would call me to see how I was doing, if I was sick he would meet me in front of the Union (unplanned of course) and bring me OJ and walk with me to class. I personally thought this dude was Ultra-Lame. He would bring me plastic flowers and say he wanted them to last forever. WTF!!! If I didn't say it i met him 1st semester of my Sophomore Year. Like I said he wore me down, I really wasn't interested in him, actually found him to be annoying. I was somewhat mean to him and rude as hell. Well the 2nd semester of my Junior year (yeah a whole year later) we started hanging out more and he didn't annoy me as much. Well we were watching a movie in my room before I was getting ready to go out and right before he left he kissed me. When I tell you I got chills and had butterflies in my chest. It was the weirdest thing I had ever experienced. Well after that we started dating and later he became my boyfriend. It was wonderful. We never argued we never fought. It was pretty much whatever I wanted. We dated through the summer. During the summer he would come over and sleep with me and nothing would happen. He would just hold me and we would sleep. Well one weekend my roommates and I had a party, why who knows. back then you didn't need a reason. So the week before we wiped up some tonic and let it sit (fermate) in the refrigerator for about a week. we had our party. Now LeMar didn't drink and I drank like a fish. So he came over and just stayed in my room the whole nite work on stuff (school work---what a dork LOL) we had jello shots and all. My friends thought this was a little weird for him to stay in my room the whole night, while me and his friends/roommates my friends/roommates partied. Well I figured since he didn't drink he didn't want to be around drunk. Well that night I was face numbing drunk and I am not sure what happened once i passed out, all I remember was coming to and he was on top of me and I was freaking out. I didn't know who/why this man was laying on top of me and then I passed out again. I woke up the next morning and he was gone. I called him and was like whats going on with you. He was like you freaked me out last night. I was like what are you talking about. He wouldn't tell me and that's when we had the talk. We decided that it would be best if we waited before having sex and that we should get to know each other a lot better. I was cool with that cause by this time I was on year 3 of celibacy so i wasn't missing anything. So we continued to date and he would stay with me I stay with him sometimes. I partied hard and he remained a home body. He got alone with my roommates for the most part, though he would annoy the shit out of Takia and I wold tell him to leave her alone. Well you know how people say hindsight is 20/20 I understand. One night after partying with my friends, actually it was homecoming and my friends from NOLA came down. Now we had talked about this I told him they were coming and that i was gonna stay with him and let my friend have my room, that I would come over after we got in that it may be late. Now we get in and i have been drinking (hell what else is new) and I call him and he answers the phone in half sleep. I am like open your door I am on my way over. He is like NO....WTF (I only use this word in this relationship) I am like what are you talking about. He was like I have a friend over and I am like and you have three roommates plus the nigga that sleeps on the couch sometimes stop playing. He was like they are in my bed. I am thinking wake the nigga up shit, its late stop playing. I was like I tell you what I am about to hope in the shower and change clothes when i get dressed I am coming over. Was like okay I am gonna take them home and call you when I get back. I am like cool do what you got to do, if I bet you to your place i will probably be sleep. love ya bye. So no problems. So I get there and pass out. I didn't think anything odd about it at all. So about a couple of months later I went out again and got shit face drunk and called him when I got in and he was like i am gonna stay here tonight I was like okay I am coming over. Well after I should my natural black (drunk) ass he gave me my way. Not really sure why we had to go through all of that cause he always gave me my way. Now let me tell you about LeMar. He was a year behind me but I was 4 months older than him. He was a religious studies/ philosophy major. He wanted to move to St. Louis and get his master and become a minister. The thought of being a minister's wife was funny as hell to me and all of my friends. I met him mother, father and younger brother would go and eat with the family, go to church with him and the whole 9. He even acknowledge that i would be his worse parishioners, I told him I wasn't going to go to his church he was AME and I was Baptist so he didn't have to worry about "leading" me and he was like see what i mean. Well anyway there use to be this lil girl who would always be at his house. Now mind you there were always people at his house. He voluntarily told me that this young lady was there for his roommate, who had a girlfriend. I felt sorry for the lil girl cause when the girlfriend finds out she was going to loss her mind. The lil girl was so nice to me, she would ask me what party's i was going to, speak to me all the time when i saw her (i was like she ain't got to kiss my ass she is cool with me, I wasn't sure if she was kissing my ass cause she wanted to be a Delta or because she thought I knew her secret) either way cut that shit out. And she had a cousin who went to school with us and we were cool as hell. So i just thought this shit was wild. Well the semester was coming to an end and i was going home. Well we got in our first tiff, it was nothing major but it was strange. before I left we were talking about grades and i asked him about his and he went smooth off. I was like damn (you always do better than me so whats the big deal) all you do is read the bible and talk "shit" I deal with programing and shit you can't compare the two. So we make up and I go home. He was suppose to come visit but he didn't, he told me that he was growing his hair out he wanted to go with the Cornel West look, which I was totally against. and told him if he was gonna come to visit he better tame that shit. Before I get to the end of the relationship I have to tell you so other factoids about LaMar. LaMar actually met my family:my mom, my aunt, my dad, my cousin and my step mom. In addition he celebrated my 21st Bday with me, we talked about marriage and spending the rest of our life together. since he was a year behind me i was going to postpone my graduation date so that we could graduate together. I was looking for grad schools in St. Louis so that after we graduated and moved to St. Louis, yeah I had planned my life with this man....I love this man unlike I had loved anyone I had dated before, I felt he respected me because he had a sex less relationship even when there were times I suggest we change that. WELL all good things must come to an end. Well on Friday night we went out to get something to eat and came back, we picked up smoothing for my roommate and when we got back he started annoying the shit out of my roommate as usual and she went off and kicked him out of the apartment. I personally thought the shit was funny as hell because I had been telling him for the past year to leave her alone but he wouldn't listen to me. So she kicks him out and I tell him I think that he should go and that I would talk to him later. (thinking they need time to cool off) Well the next day he had stuff to do with his brother and so we don't talk. That Sunday I wash my hair and I have all these damn rollers in it when he comes over, he is like I am not staying tonight and I am like whatever, my hair is wet and I ain't coming out like this. Oh let me back up that Saturday afternoon he comes over and we watch a movie, and in the movie there is scene were the guy calls his girlfriend from jail and he is asking all these damn questions and he turns to me and says that's what you would do, I am like no. So Monday morning I get up and go to class and go to work, nothing out of the ordinary. At work I decide that I should cook, now mind you in all the time we had dated I had never cook for him, but i figured after this crazy weekend I would. So I call him to see what was up and no answer. Usually we would both get off work and he would come over and we would watch the news and take a nap. Actually he would watch the news and I would nap. So 5pm comes and goes and then 6pm. Nothing. I start getting random calls from people asking me about LeMar and I am like I haven't talked to him, hell people I didn't like call me. Well so around 6:30 7pm I get a call from LeMar and he is like hey, I was like hey where are you he was like "in jail" I am thinking this nigga is playing so i play along, he proceeds to tell me that he and one of his professors got into and argument and that's why he is in jail, but that he would be home later. I was like okay I will see you then, talk to you later. We hang up. Now I didn't think anything of it cause I was like he got jokes and if he did get into an argument with his professor (who was the acting Dean of Students) it was probably some philosophy debate that got heated. Whatever!!! So I didn't tell anyone and just figured i would see him in the morning. So the next day i got up and went to class like nothing and on my way back from class I pick up a school a paper and on the front page it reads "DEAN OF STUDENTS ATTACKED AT HOME" I am thinking damn Dean had a shitty day, so I am walking and reading says that the dean was coming out of his home and was approached by a young black man impersonating a FBI agent and then the get in to a physical struggle when the young black man pulls a knife and the suspect is LEMAR....WTF!!!! So I am freaking the fuck out....I got to my classes skip work and go home. I get home and have numerous messages and one from the dean telling me that he wants to see me. i am freaking out (now the dean is actually my advisor for Student Government, so we actually know each other). He calls me into his office and tells me that he is concerned about me, he shows me the huge ass scar that goes around his neck that he says Lemar did and he tells me how dangerous my boyfriend is and that I need to pretty much get out of the relationship. I am stunned because he has never displayed any acts of violence. Well I go home for a couple of days to sort things out, cause people are calling me left and right. i come back and try to get back on track with the situation dealt to me and find out this motherfucker was cheating and I go smooth off.....who was he cheating with yes that lil girl that i said was kissing my ass, she didn't care where the party was she just wanted to know if i was gonna be out or not. Well I can't really go into details about my response to this information but lets just say the chick was deathly and i mean DEATHLY afraid of me. Hell her cousin who i was cool with and still was even stopped talking to me. I went on a fucking warpath i almost didn't graduate. and this is were we lift up our hands and thank the LORD for grace and mercy cause if I had gotten what I deserved i would be serving time just like Lemar.
I can only imagine how long this blog is I will do part 3 in another blog.

I am sure I left so much out but I think you get the point.

Just when I was about to go off....

Okay I guess this is as good as time as any to introduce you to LADY RAGE....she is an extension of me and she occasionally graces others with her presence about every four weeks and if she doesn't OH HELL....so needless to say I am hormonal, emotional and just not myself. Lady Rage has entered the building..


okay today was going okay, it started with me getting up early as hell and getting my car to the lube for an oil change. I also had a few errands to run and then i came home and watched a little TV before getting ready for work. I get a strange phone call, a number i didn't recognize thought maybe it was the lube telling me my car was ready. So i answer and i hear a strangely familiar voice say HEY!! so I say Hey back and we make small chat and I am like who is this and he says kwash, I'm like hey what been up. So who is kwash- this guy i meet with my realtor about 2 or 3 years ago, we were all just shooting the shit and making chit chat in the parking lot of Kinkos. Well so we all go our separate ways and one afternoon my realtor calls me in the middle of my nap and says kwash has been asking me about you and he wants me to give you this number to call him. So I do and we talk but its almost like, it was really weird when we talked cause it was almost like he didn't want to talk to me but he was being nice and I was thinking shit i was calling you to be nice cause my realtor said you had been asking about me. Whatever to we go back and forth talking, not talking, playing phone tag and what not. He works at a high school and one Friday night he invites me to a talent show that one of his "clubs" is sponsoring and so i go with my high school aged cousin I sit through this adolescent foolishness and was like okay I am out. NOW, I saw him when first came in, I had to pay FULL PRICE, and he said bye when I left WTF!!!! you invited me to this I have no business at anybodies high school talent show on a Friday nite. I after its over I am like what are you doing, he was like I am going to a birthday party i will catch up with you later.....once again WTF!!! So the next time I called him he was like who is this I was like Oh hell this shit is whack and I am out. So needless to say I had deleted his number from my phone and had no idea who he was when he called. So we make chit chat and he tells me he has taken the day off (from all 16 jobs, okay like 3 or 4) and ask me what I am doing today and around lunch. So he says he will call me around lunch. now something that really bothers me is when I have to tell people stuff over and over and over again. I have told this man on numerous occasions that i don't work for the DA's office, I am not a prosecutor but for some reason he can't get through his thick skull that I am a defense attorney and there is a different. Now this man went to morehouse, has a master from like Hampton and a PhD from some other HBCU and is an Omega. Now if I said he went to like Clark, got his master from Howard and went to Tulane for his PHD and heaven forbid I thought he was a Kappa or Alpha he would be so offended. so damn how hard is it to remember i am a defense attorney hell if its that complicated how about just say i am a lawyer. I told you'll lady rage was back. Well anyway I am in the mist of work and i look up and its 12:20 and I haven't heard from him, uh its lunch time and if you are gonna be a no show at least send a text. so i call him from work and like dude are we doing something for lunch no answer, then i call when i leaving to run errands and he answers and its like he had no idea who i was and was like let me call you back....I HATE PEOPLE WHO WASTE MY TIME AND PEOPLE WHO CANT PLAN WANT PLAN OR ACKNOWLEDGE THEY AREN'T PLANNERS CAUSE I AM.....thank goodness i brought my lunch because i would have been as hot as fish grease if i didn't bring my lunch and thought we were going and we didn't needless to say he has been deleted again (actually i just cleaned out my inbox, outbox and miss calls)

okay well i had to go see my periodontist and pay on my account I was prepared to write out a check and the lady goes let me fix something and change this and talk with your insurance company to see if you we can get a better payment from them so hold off on writing the check and lets see what happens.....OKAY!!!! just when my day was going back


LAST NIGHT: we had our singles ministry class which was in conjunction with the marriage enrichment class. Our assignment was to go see the Tyler Perry why did I get married movie. We talk about the different relationships and the problems in those relationships we talked about for the married why they got married and for the single why i want to be married and or me why i don't want to be married. It was really good and interesting and funny I one day i will do an in depth blog about why i don't want to be married, yeah right after i finish my blog on fear of men I haven't forgotten just haven felt like doing it

okay i guess i will go now

should have just taken my ass to Seattle

While in law school I went to Seattle and interviewed with several "firms" and was offered a job for the State of Washington. More than likely I would have ended up in (50%) Olympia and a (50%) chance I would have been some where else across the state. The decision was so hard I didn't have any other offers at the them but had done much interviewing and was just playing the waiting game. Well I sent my fax to Ms. Natamura declining the opportunity to move to the great state of Washington and work for the State with there Attorney General office. My friends were so mad at me cause now they didn't have a new place to visit and how dare I deny them the chance to see Puget Sound and Jimi Hendrix grave or experience the culture of Seattle (now it wasn't gauranteed I would be in Seattle) i could have been in Port orchard or Bainbridge Island or Yakima and that may have really SUCKED!!!!

Well needless to say everything worked out, so why am I think that I should have gone. Well last night I did something that needed to be done but I really didn't want to nor/or was I truly ready to do.

I think I have talked about Mr. Phuck around to Phuck around (PAPA). Well I have been distancing myself, not calling him when I want to or everytime I think about him. well last night he text me and was like "what are you doing" my response was "why?" he says "I wanted to see you" I was like "you coming to (import my city)". NO response.....So I call him and was like whats going on, he said he was trying to find something to do and wanted to see me but he need to take this call, but he might be my way if so he will call me. So I get off the phone and go to sleep only to be awaken my a phone call of no substance and can't go back to sleep. I began to think hell I could go see him (then I thought WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT). Well one of the reasons I have been distancing myself is because I came to the realization that "HE JUST ISN'T THAT IN TO ME" so I need to move on. Well anyway I text him about "what did you decide to do" he responds "stay at home" so I call him and we talk. The first thing he says is that I have missed you, I wanted to be around you. does this motherfucker have timing or what. Now you all have somewhat read about my week. and I usually call him and he knows just what to say to make me feel all better, but like I said I have been distancing myself. So we talk a real talk (of course not what i signed up for when i called i really just wanted to hear his voice and hell after hearing it and him saying he missed me and wanted to be around me I could have hung up and and been satisfied but no I am greedy). Well anyway we have one of our real convos and I tell him that I think this will be the last time we talk and he was like I wish we could have had this in person. I'm like I'm glad we didn't.....So why is was this our last convo.
I am a a selfish controlling guarded bitch who isn't open to changing or compromising. However I met this man who I want, like really really want and would be willing to change (okay modify) and he isn't all that in to me. I think he likes me, he likes being around me but he just isn't willing to give me what I want. His response is that I can't handle what I want, I am afraid of commitment, and that I would get scared freeze up and bail out. Now I must admit this would be my normal mode of operation but with him I don't think it would, I can't promise but I feel differently about him. I (how fuckin appropriate Quincy Jones Everything Must Change just came on). This guy is everything I want in a man....he is funny, smart, real, says all the right things, he challenges me, makes me think, however its done in a way that makes me want to be a better person, be the person he sees. I can say being around him is like being on another planet. I don't worry about a thing, its about him being in control and making the decisions, the weight of the world that i carry daily is checked in when i cross his threshold. SO I WOULD BE EASY TO JUST COMPLETELY LET GO however I will not do it for someone who just isn't that in to me and want give me what I want. Call me a baby but yes I am packing up my shit and leaving. I am at a different point in my life where I want to be the center of attention, the #1 person and in order to move forward I can't continue to make the same decisions I once did, hoping that I will eventually get what I want. He has made it clear I can't have what I want NOW so I have to leave the situation. END OF STORY

So it back to my original position on men and relationship.
WHAT EVER I NEED FROM A MAN I CAN BUY, BORROW OR DO MYSELF. no I am not bitter, I am just real. Some people will have the husband, 2.5 kids etc. etc. I on the other hand probably want, so I need to worry and take care of me. A man is not a plan. I believe there are some great available men out there, however I will not waste my time looking, searching or pondering over there existence in my life. I say again there are some wonderful men out there I have met them, however I just am not compatible with them so I take my hat out of the ring and let the other women have at it.

So what am I doing......Serenity suggested I read the Millionaire next door. So I have purchased the book and have been reading. So I figure i will build wealth and when I die a rich ole bitch i can leave my wealth and riches to my pet cat Bubbles (note I don't have a cat, animals make me sneeze so this is a joke.)
But I can invest in other future, but first i must build my wealth. so off to building wealth (first step keep my job and be prepared for this Aggravated Battery trial I have on Monday.)

Tears in the office....

Today I cried at work....I know how unprofessional. I had a client today that I was fighting for his release and I don't think the judge is going to let him go. Now he is crazy as the day is long and the Dr. say (though I question that) he is a danger to himself and others. Now this guy is homeless, no family, no criminal history, now he is crazy not question about that. but i just had a hard time letting it go just because he is crazy. I don't it just really got to me cause I fight for ass holes everyday to go home only to come back a month or so later with another charge. My co-worker said he will be getting the help he needs if he is civilly committed because otherwise he will be out in the street with no treatment, home and could end up hurting someone or getting hurt. I guess that's true but i just don't think its fair just because he is crazy who am i to see he shouldn't be out if I believe that state is illegally holding him.

Sometimes I hate my job and sometimes I love it. Sometimes I feel so elitist, for example yesterday I met with a woman who has 9 kids, numerous baby daddy's, no job, living on government assistance. She says she has 2 kids that are grown and the others range from high school age to toddler. She is charged with Cruelty to Juvenile. My first thought was if you had a job maybe you wouldn't have all these damn kids, then I was like hell that should be cruelty in itself 7 kids that you can't support. I promise the more I talked to her the more exhausted I became, hell I had to come home and take a nap. I felt bad for judging this lady but I was so annoyed by her situation. And then read some of the allegation, how she would have her hair and nails done and her kids would look a shitty mess (literally). I was so irritated. Sometimes i feel so guilty for my quasi-bourgeois attitude. Cause there really isn't anything that damn special about me. I could go on, but I will stop.

I guess today my job really got to me. I have about (let's see) 250 open cases and I would say that probably 200 of the people (80%) are black and of those I would guess that 175 are men. you hear that all the black men are in prison and it is so true. If I want to see a multitude of brothers the jail is the spot. they are there for stupid shit. poor decision making, lack of self control, disrespect of others property, etc. then there are so many of them that need some help. many of my clients are the crack babies from the 80's they have so many challenges. Its just heart breaking.

Question: How do you keep up the good fight when the people you are fighting for are throwing in the towel?

Happiness

The other day I was talking with our court reporter. She is probably in her 40's (maybe 50's) but lately she has been doing a lot of traveling with her hunnie. I asked when did she start enjoying life. She said probably in her 40's. She said during her 20's she was married and had a kid, once he got out of school, she sold her house moved into an apartment and has been traveling to and fro.

The reason I asked this was because a friend of mines told me that I need to enjoy life more. I really don't think its time to enjoy life. I feel like my 20's were the boot camp of life. My 20's have been filled with life lesson, bumping my head (sometimes over and over and over again). My friends look at me crazy when I say I am ready for the 30's. In some ways that is true. As far as whatever it is life has to offer I am so ready (cause I just want to believe its got to get better) not to say my life is so bad now but I pray this isn't it (I hope I didn't make a wrong turn back there somewhere). When I think about my health I am so not ready for 30's cause I am so out of shape so unhealthy and i lack true motivation to change. In my spiritual life I am not sure. Its like I know better but sometimes I don't do better. I have known God and Jesus as my personal savior (okay let me open that up cause I need some help. I have known that Jesus was my personal savior since i was like 4 or 5 years old. I have known God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe that the Holy Spirit Dwells in me, but for some reason I feel that since I have known this "family" for so long I shouldn't be experiences some things or as I type I am thinking maybe I should.
You ever hear people give testimonies and they say how they were in the world and they did this that and another and how God brought them a mighty long way. I think of this song (not really a song just a testimony on record) About this lady who sang for Chaka Khan and want not met a guy that became her drug dealing boyfriend and how she had a praying grandmother. She passed out from doing drugs and the Lord spoke to her, etc. I can honestly say I have never experienced a low like that and people who have talk about there lives then and now and they have this conviction in there heart and voice about the glory and power of God.
Not that I am saying I need a life changing experience to appreciate God, but somedays I think I (I know) take him for granite. Because he has protected me, so somedays I just don't feel like talking to him. I know that sounds crazy but I don't know what to do. I know you are thinking what does this have to do with happiness.
Well right now I am in a phunk and I can't seem to get out. I just feel numb, indifferent, tired, unhappy. But then I start feeling bad because I know that I am blessed and there are people who wish they were in my position, but I just still feel melancholy.
Not sure what that is about. I feel like I have so much that needs to be done and I just don't know where to start. I want to get organize but for some reason I just don't feel like doing it. Like at the end of the day I feel like I have not accomplished a thing. I use to every night write out my to do list and throughout the day scratch off the things I did and see what I actually did. Now the thought of that just makes me want to go to bed. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!

I so want to have a schedule and be organized more and accomplish more but the thought of sitting down and starting the process seems so daunting.

I started off talking about happiness then moved into God and now I am talking about time management...believe it or not this is how my mind works. I do worry to much and put to much on myself but that's me and how i function.

QUESTION: Are you truly enjoying life, if not when do you think you will start?

White Boots and open Toe Suede shoes???????

Okay the last time we talked I was debating what to do for my mentally defective client, well I decided to go for it, so I just finished my "motions" and what not on his behalf. I took it to my secretary and told her I needed it filed. Now when I walked over there she was reading a magazine and she says, can I file it tomorrow. I say yes cause its really not due until Monday but I wanted the judge to get it so he could (not that he would) look it over the weekend. I GROWL.

I have a question for all the fashionistas out there: something that has always bugged me was white boots and open toe suede (or any other winter material) shoes. I also don't understand "winter shorts" but you don't see people doing that to often. I am I just crazy or what?

I met with one of the attorneys I talked about who wanted me to help her with some of her Personal Injury work. I went to talk to her and she is walking me through a file and what not, so I ask her about payment for my services. Now I will be the first to admit that I am not sure of my worth, but when she said half I bout fell out of my chair. Let's say she get a settlement for $10,000 and she takes 30%, which would be about $3,000 I would get $1,500. Ballin' out of control......am I selling myself cheap, we will see we are getting together Saturday to work on a few files that need to be done by December (no whammies no whammies----Christmas $$$$$$)

What else.....I need to finish my series on Fear of men but I just don't feel like it.

The great State has some new elected officials, some I voted for, some I didn't some I couldn't and wouldn't but I am happy to say the number of commercials on TV will dramatically decrease, cause I am so sick of those damn commercial. Some dude (usually old white man) with a dress shirt on, sleeves rolled up, having mindless chit chat (we are to believe his leading) with an attentive audience and then they roll the fluff. "He will change things, he will make a difference, blah blah blah"" Like anyone is gonna say I am running for XYZ cause I hate my current job, I think the current XYZ is an idiot, I am gonna give perks to all my friends and supports and have a complicated matrix-like phone system so I can never hear your concerns (like I was gonna do anything anyway) SO VOTE FOR ME.....

What else.....I guess that's it cause I have gotten Bridal Shower invite and a Baby Shower invite and I need to stalk there registry to see what they have the I am gonna by.
QUESTION: The bridal shower I am invited to is themed "Around the Clock" and each person has a different time, my time is 7:00 p.m and we are suppose to bring something that the bride can use during that time I was thinking that was dinner time so I was gonna look for something for the kitchen. Any thoughts on anything else?

Oh what shall I do.....

Things have been kinda......I don't know interesting? My weekend was pretty boring, I spent it getting ready for Jury Trials, which of course none of them went. Just day I kinda felt like a real lawyer...what do I mean, some days I feel like I just show up and stuff happens and other days I don't know. Well I got a sex offender a sweet deal, now before you go and get all up in arms about how could I represent a sex offender. Let me say what I was representing him on was his failure to register. Here S.O have to register for 10 years with the city, parish and state and my guy only registered with the state and had registered with the parish (not sure if he had to register with the city cause not sure if he lived within the limits) since 99'. Now he hasn't gotten in any more trouble or anything like that. The state was trying to give him a minimum of 2 years and I just thought that was ridiculous this man was on probation during some of the time he was to register and nobody said anything now 7 years later its a problem. Seriously???? I hate when the STATE tries to screw people over for there on personal reasons. Well anyway I got him a misdemeanor and probation.

Now right now I am dealing with something that I don't know what to do.....how do you do the right thing and the right thing. I have a guy who needs to be released from custody but I know he may pose a danger to society. But the reason he should get released is because the STATE was fucking around and didn't do there job....(to busy trying to prosecute silly shit)So I don't know what to do. Actually I do but I just don't want this ass hole showing up at my door in a couple of days.....

Its been pretty slow around these parts I am trying to get back on track with things and all. I am getting ready to buy a new car and Christmas shop. (I hate spending money...I growl).

I hope all is going well for everyone. I am gonna head home its getting cold down here and I kinda want some hot cocoa.

PSA

WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMS FOR THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT........THE BITCH HAS LOST HER MIND.

I was suppose to finish my blog on fear of men and bring it all to a close but I have to tell you all about this before I can move on to any other blogs.

Yesterday morning my dad's girlfriend finally left our house and as I was getting ready for work what the hell do I see....she has displayed a picture of her and my dad in our extra bedroom. Okay now let me tell you a little background about this photo. On Saturday I first noticed this picture and politely took it down with no drama. I bring it to my dad's attention on Sunday and ask him is this something that we need to address and he tells me no. I explain to him how I think it is entirely inappropriate for her to display pictures in our house especially of you two. WTF!!! I go on to say that I am sure that she doesn't have photos of my dad and my mom (just the 2 of them) up displayed in her home, nor does she have photos of my dad and his current wife displayed in her home, so why did she think it was okay do display photos of them in our home. He tells me he hadn't even seen the picture up and did know what I was talking about initially. He says that she brought the picture with her and he just put it to the side and she must have put it up. But no we did not need to address this matter because obviously he could see I was in rare form.

So Monday goes by and she hangs out with my aunt (which was funny all by itself) and then my dad drops her off at the house and goes and checks on a friend that had just gotten out the of the hospital. So when we get home we are down stairs watching TV and she is upstairs the entire time. We almost forgot she was up there. So its like 3 or 4 hours later and my mom and I are going to get something to eat and I ask her if she was hungry and she says no she ate left overs from when she was with my aunt. (now you know I had already gotten the skinny from my aunt about there "quality" time) My aunt tells me that she didn't move the entire time she was there (she didn't eat, she didn't piss, she stayed in the same spot the entire time). So I know even if she had eaten her left over it wasn't much and she should be hungry by now. So I call my dad and say "are you gonna be hungry when you get home", he like no, I am like you sure and he is like yes, then he tells me that his friend was cooking so he would eat over there. Then he says that El hetto may be though, I say I asked her and she said she wasn't and I know she hadn't eaten all day, he was like she's a grown ass women if she say she ain't hungry then she ain't hungry. COOL so me and moms get some Popeye's and its on.

Well Tuesday she stays at the house with my mother and my mother says she didn't make a move, not a word not a pep. She stayed in the extra room watching TV and on the computer (note to self check the computer to make sure everything is on the up and up). But once my dad got home he cook and she finally ate (cause she didn't eat since like 6 am and he got home around 4pm). So they are in the extra room all night with the door closed. They were suppose to be leaving for Dallas early Wednesday morning around 3am so my mom calls around 2:45 a.m and they are still sleep OH HELL NAW SHE AINT MISSING HER PLANE and so my dad hops up and makes coffee and gets dress she hops in the shower and gets ready they pack up the car and then she walks back in the living room where my mom and I are sitting up watching DVR stuff (cause we were gonna make sure the got out the house in a timely fashion) and she stands in front of us and says some half hearted thank you and we just look at her and say okay your welcome and then there was a awkward moment and she left. I think she wanted us to get up and hug her, surely she didn't think that. Well any way we go back to sleep and I get up to get ready for work and that's when I see the picture up AGAIN!!! I AM LIVID

I search for her number but couldn't find it I got to work in a shitty mode cause I just know this bitch just disrespect my mother in her own house and me to. So it rains at work and I have to walk back to the office from court in the rain so my anger is building. Fast Forward

I finally get home and locate her work and cell number. I call her on her cell and she says that she is at work. I tell her that I am glad that she got back safely, I tell her I know it was an awkward situation but I hope she felt welcomed and comfortable and she says she does and then I asked her why she thought it was appropriate to display a picture of she and my dad in my mothers house.....the phone goes dead. So I count to 3 and locate her work number cause I know she didn't just hang up on me. So I call her at work and she answers and she says that her phone died and that she didn't have our number to call back (LIE #1- when i called her the first time she said you scared me cause it came up your dad's name and i just got off the phone with him and i thought something was wrong) and then she said my phone's batter is dead and my chargers in the car so I could call you back (LIE#2- cause she said when i called her at work that I just left your dad a message on his phone telling him to tell you to not to think I hung up on you WTF) so I open up with my question again. WHY DID YOU THINK IT WAS APPROPRIATE TO DISPLAY A PHOTO OF YOU AND MY DAD IN MY MOTHER'S HOUSE? She plays dumb like what are you talking about? and then she finally remembers and says I didn't put it up. WTF? Then she says that she just brought a bunch of stuff for my dad and he put it up (LIE#3), then i explained to her that I spoke with my dad about it and told him how I felt. She said nothing was said to her. Then she finally admitted that she did put it up a second time but it was not to disrespect my mother and all she was doing was straightening up (LIE #4) now I told you they were pushed for time when they left, she didn't have time straighten up before they left and if she wanted to straighten up or something why the hell didn't she clean the damn kitchen after my dad cooked (cause i did that once I got home from work). and my other question why did she wait until she left to put it back up. Well I told I was just calling to make sure we were on the same page and that she understood that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WAS SHE EVER WELCOMED TO OUR HOME, DON'T CALL, WRITE STOP BY NOTHING. YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED IN OUR HOME.

so we will see what happens next, my dad hasn't said anything to me yet.....

Androphobia- pre college

Androphobia is the fear of men and yes that was me. I know that sounds really crazy but lets open that up. I am my own therapist and each comment you provides goes into my own personal case file for later use, so please comment.

Well I as I posted earlier an old friend of mines accused me of being shy and scary. Which I have to admit, I once was. So less dissect this and try to bring closure.

My relationship history:

My first ever boyfriend was in kindergarten I remember his name and everything, last I heard he was in the NFL. Well we will call him Dr. Spock. He was the fastest boy in my P.E. class and it only seemed right that I be his girlfriend cause I was the fastest girl in the class. But little did he know once I finally beat him racing I would no longer want to be his girlfriend. I think I liked him cause he was faster than me and just as smart as me. Well needless to say that relationship didn't go far.

The next relationship I recall was in 8th grade I dated this guy we will call him Nino Brown. Nino was really sweet to me however he was a thug. My mom liked him because she knew his family some what and thought he was a nice young man. Little did she know. I can remember sitting on the phone and he would sing Shai "If I ever" (I am dying laughing at that memory) and the relationship was good until he wanted to take it further with sex. Talk about afraid of the DICK, I was deathly afraid of it. Actually I was afraid of being pregnant. So we broke up cause I wasn't putting out.

The next guy I dated was this in 8th grade and he was a transfer from (hell I don't remember) I remember him being 6'5 and playing basketball. Well I really liked him and he was nice just tall and awkward-like. We dated for a while and well one day the question came up about me putting out, actually it started with me questioning him about these red marks on his neck and his response was you want do it I had to find somebody else. So we discussed this situation and I came to the decision that maybe I WAS wasting him time cause I wasn't putting out and I didn't want to hinder his sex life any longer. Just a note a few months later he started dating a friend of mines and I don't think she put out either, at least that's what she said, you can never tell, people lie so.

Lets see the the next guy I remember dating was this guy who harassed so when we were in elementary. Hell I think he made me cry. I don't really remember much about this guy so I will move on to the next. He was this white boy (yes I dated a white boy, it was 9th grade). We will call him House of Pain (HOP). HOP was this cool ass white boy who, was down for the cause (LOL--translation he listen to Cypress Hill and House of Pain, hell he knew more rap songs than me) The reason this relationship stuck out in my mind was because we had to hide our relationship from both of our parents cause D'militant wasn't haven't it (my mother) and David Duke (his father) would die right there on the spot if he knew the sweet young lady that called his house all the time was a colored gurl. It was funny cause that's when Bodyguard had come out with Whitney Houston and Kevin Coastner we felt like we could so relate to that movie. LOL!!!

okay prior to this relationship I am about to introduce I never thought I loved somebody and then I dialed his number (of course calling for his older brother). My freshman year we had a guy come and sit in on our class from the high school (I think he was going to college or something) well anyway he was trying to holla and gave me his number and I called. Well the guy I was calling for wasn't there and his little brother answered and some how we began talking. We will call him "Could this be love-NO" (Could this). Could this was a year ahead of me and was at the high school and we talked and began dating. We dated most of my 9th grade year and went to my Freshman prom and all. Well went through a lot (death of his best friend, some emotional things from his past, etc.) we were close. I would meet up at the skating rink and make out. We broke up right before I went the high school but we still like each other. Not sure why we broke up, but we did. We were in Student Council together and eventually he became President. We dated off and on and other people in between. Well like I said we experienced alot, but the final deal breaker was my decision to lose my virginity to someone else (I know you all thought I was still a virgin to this day) and even though we tried to work through that and pass that I don't think he ever forgave me for sleeping with as he would say a "Random Nigga" (oh I forgot Nigga is dead...per the NAACP....R.I.P Nigga) I must say this was the first time that I actually was hurt by a relationship and shit I didn't like it. I also learned that honest ain't the best policy. Random and I were friends (sounds familiar, see blog on pops) and Could this knew we were friends, hell they even talked to one another, even realized they had messed with some of the same girls (not me.....LOL!!!! so one thought). but I night I felt the need to be honest and tell him what was really going on. Do you know the (the dead word) block all my calls. WTF????? see that's the kind of shit that will have me at your door in footie's and a housecoat (LOL, not really). Well I haven't heard from him nor about him.

I think this is where I made my wrong turn. RANDOM. He was this bothersome, wearisome ass brother who tried to holla at ever one. That's what he was known for. Every time you saw him he was up in some girls face trying to holla. he was not the cutest thing, he was dark as 6 midnights, had a high top fade that was high as hell, BUT He had a body like WHOA.... he was the quarterback at his high school and was funny as hell. So I entertained him and one thing lead to another and well....let me back up before one thing lead to another he told me he was going to break up with his girlfriend and be with me (now why did i think that cause i knew he was going to see her after he left me, cause he had to return her car) and I believed him. Well I learned a lot from him never trust a big dick and a smile plus a body like whoa you will get hurt every time. Of course he didn't break up with her, but he still wanted to have me around (SERIOUSLY??) I had to learn my game face (which he taught me). I had to muster up the strength with him on top of me naked as a jay bird to say these words (I AM NOT THAT IN TO YOU, THIS IS DOING NOTHING FOR ME COULD YOU PLEASE GET OFF OF ME I NEED TO GO IRON MY CLOTHES FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW). of course he looks at me with this dumb look and he responds don't be mad at me, stop playing i respond (I AM NOT PLAYIN" I AM SERIOUS) with my game face on and he moves and I proceed to go iron my clothes for school. He tries to talk to me and he realizes that he had created a monster, he acknowledge that I was no longer the shy gyrl he knew and that he was proud of me for not letting him play me and he wished me the best the luck. I will say at the time I was so confused but I have later resolved that what RANDOM was saying is game recognizes game and now you know what it feels like to be play'd never let it happen again. Till this day people see him and say that he asks about me (though he's married).

Now before I graduated from high school I encountered 3 interesting fellas: Shaft, Kwame' and his brother. Shaft was this guy I met not really sure how but my hometown was really small. Shaft had two older brothers, his oldest brother was my dance instructor (he taught Hip Hop) and he was best friends with this guy I occupied time with before Shaft. Now shaft and I had fun, he went to another school and a crazy ex sometimes current sometimes girlfriends. (now this girl had a brother who i used to talked to which was just crazy all around and she didn't like me from that cause she thought I was breaking up her brother and good friend, so needless to say she really didn't like me now that I was messing with her on/off boyfriend). But it wasn't my fault they came after me. Well anyway Shaft and I occupied time, and then his friend that I dated came home for holiday and they were together and it was really awkward. I didn't know they were close and his name never came up until that day. So I had to be honest and tell him how we knew each other. (who said honesty was the best policy) he eventually got over it, but he never looked at me the same and when we ended he told me that I would be back cause I was gonna get down there and get played and come back pregnant before I knew it. For some reason that just hit home and I vowed that would never happen to me that i would not give him the satisfaction of saying I TOLD YOU SO.
Now Kwame' and his brother were some progressive motherphuckers. I Kwame was a year or two older than me and his bother was like age I don't know but I can remember him always saying he could go to jail for phucking with me he was old enough to get alcohol (not sure legally or just on his looks). I initially started talking to the Kwame's brother and we would kick it even though he was to damn old for me. I would go by the house and hang out. Well I went by one day and the brother wasn't there so Kwame and I started talking and next thing I know his tongue is in my mouth WTF.....I don't fuck with brothers. So I guess Kwame saw the look on my face and was like I am so sorry. So by the time we move pass that the brother comes home and all is good well the brother and I just kinda fell off and I never heard from them again. Well the day before I left for college Kwame calls me and says I can't believe you are gonna leave without saying good bye. Well needless to say he came over and we said our good byes. How crazy is this, I was in a major city for a job interview and visiting with friends and I see brother out at a club and pretty much presented and opportunity for us to pick up where we lift off (dude seriously after like 5 years you just want to pick up) well and then just recently when I was on myspace I had both of them as my friend and we would talk and they would covertly suggest we hook up to catch up-----NO THANK YOU!!! and the last straw (okay I need to stop fronting in a sick and twisted way I was flattered) was when Kwame' sent me a message for my birthday saying that he has never forgotten me and the time we shared. For a brief minute I had gotten soft and then I had to come to myself.

Okay I think this is enough therapy for today....I will finish this blog later with my college and post college androphobia.

NOTE I AM NOT SURE HOW LONG THIS WILL STAY UP CAUSE IT IS TRULY SOME PERSONALLY SHIT.......

i am so NOT the person you use to know

About a month or two ago I ran into a guy I knew while I was in college. I may have blog about him already but just in case. I met him my freshman year in college I can only think of 2 occasions (shout out the the deal) of meeting him, not sure which happened first. One time was at this club called Dreams (oh I was a regular on Thursday nights, thanx smoochz) I remember dancing with him and he taught me how to do the husla husla and we would rock the dance floor (that sounds so 80's) and the second time was at a skating party. Well he was from my same hometown and everything. Over Christmas break we hung and and the next semester we hung out as well. Well that summer I came home and he was home to and was having a party and had invited me. I declined cause i was like I have plans with my friends and his response was you'll should come and I was like naw I'm cool, cause it would be my luck your crazy ex girl would show up and I don't do DRAMA. He was no she want and if you change your mind stop buy. Well I changed my mind and stopped by with my friends. I asked them to stay in the car and I was gonna see if it was lame or what. So I walk up to the door and people are all walking out so I ask if Mr. Jag was there and they were like he is inside so as I move closer to the door he walks out with some chick (yes his ex girlfriend). I say hey and I see that you are busy I was just stopping by give me a call when you get a chance and just walk away. He was shocked to say the least and was like you don't have to leave (as I here ex in the back saying who is that). I was like oh no I am good we are gonna find something else to do. Well that summer he called and called and was trying to apologize and make up. Needless to say I was finished with him.

Well I would see him a few times during my college days and even in my law schools days. Then I saw him a couple of months in church and we have been talking a couple of days. MY POINT your wondering is.

Well I saw him this past weekend and we hung out and had a good time. Well he makes this statement and I just chuckled inside. What does he say "I see you are still afraid and shy". WTF, LOL!!!!!!

I have a confession: there once was a time that I was afraid of men, but that time has come and gone. Okay I will come back and open that up.

oh the rage.....

Okay its 8:57 and I have clients coming in at 9:00.... okay what has been going on. It has been a really interesting (to say the least weekend). I think the last time I wrote my dad's girlfriend had just come into town. Well she is still here she leaves in the morning, she is back at the house now. Okay let me see if I can catch you up on my father.

My father is a very interesting man (actually if you knew of my grandfather, great-grandfather and even me a little you would understand). My dad has an ex-wife/baby mama (my mother); a wife (we will call her Carole Brady) and girlfriends (we will call her.......El hetto). So lets see my parents married 8/1977 (approx. a year before my introduction to society). The were engaged and my father called it off, he dated a college friend of my aunt (his older sister) and in his words "was wide open" at some point my parents get married. As far back as I can remember my dad has always had a girlfriend. His Modus operandi is that is in a relationship which isn't satisfying him completely meets a female friend at work who he connects with introducing him to the woman who he is in a relationship with then at some point that women begins to question that relationship and then magically they are living together or dating. Case in point. When my family moved to Arkansas my dad was working for Sam Walton and his mighty organization he meet this lady who was his friend from work, at some point he moved in with her and next thing I know they are off to Colorado to live together. Well that didn't work out (surprise surprise) and then he moves to Arizona, California, Kansas and back to Cali. Well his first stay in Cali, he met his Carole (at work of course) he was living with some woman never met her, and it wasn't working out so he moves out to Kansas and next thing I know he is back in California Carole. Well he and Carole date, shack and he attempts to assist with the raising of her kids (another blog for another time) well, my freshman year in college my dad has Carole send my mom the divorce papers cause they are going to get married. Well seeing that my parents had been separated since I was in the 5ht grade I guess it was time to make it official. well my dad and Carole get married (of course I am not invited to the wedding, surprise surprise). Well they move around the Bay Area being the picturesque California extended family and what happens' (my dad meets a friend from work) and well you know it becomes a problem my dad gets mad at his current wife, goes and visits El hetto and history once again repeats itself. Now el hetto gets REALLY REALLY REALLY sick and my dad believes its his responsibility to take care of her because she took care of him when he was ill and is wife made him made and he had to come out to Texas and visit her (yes my dad drove from the Bay area, California to West Texas because he had gotten mad at his wife and the only person he had to got to was El hetto) Well anyway El hetto got sick so my dad pack she and her daughters up and move them to Southern California, and yes he moved there to well they lived there for some time and on random day in July my dad calls me and ask me if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet, my response was I had to talk with my roommate, (my mother) she was okay with it so he came. FAst Forward a couple of months and we are here and his girlfriend comes to visit. WHAT THE HELL....okay reader let me pose a hypothetical to you, if the man you are living sales his car, quits his job, packs up all his shit, gets on a train and goes to live with his ex-wife and daughter in another time zone wouldn't you think maybe its me? or at least maybe he does want to be with me. Why in the hell would you entertain visiting him at his ex-wife/daughters home and consider moving there. WTF.....

Okay my 9:00 is here (yeah its 9:19) so I think this a good stopping point

OH SHIT, WHY DID I DO THAT!!!!

Okay I was looking at my blogs and realized that I have hit a milestone (hey celebrate the little victories), I have written 10 blogs. But I also realized that the only person reading was my dear linesister Serenity23 (maybe because I haven't invited anyone else). So what do I do I go to my contacts and invite several people who's opinion I value. WHAT THE HELL I GO AND DO THAT FOR!!!! SHIT NOW I CAN'T BLOG ABOUT THEM CAUSE THERE READING BACK TO WHERE I STARTED NOT ABLE TO SAY WHAT I REALLY THINK OR WHAT I REALLY FEEL.......i refuse to be suppressed in my house and damnit this is my house (who's house----Run's house, scratch that Freespeech22's house) So I welcome you all but hey if the shoe fits you got to wear it and I welcome you to correct me when i am wrong but remember i have the power of deletion.

In addition to Bringin' Sexy Back I got to drop off some of this baggage before i turn 30. So I welcome your help. Goes I am gonna be BranNew 8.23.08 @ 7:12 a.m.

LOVE YOU

This is what happens when you write a blog for three days

The last time I wrote I said that Serenity23 was fucking with me and I promise she is.....the reason I am doing this particular blog is because she sent me a note and said "uh, where's today's blog". Truth be told I wasn't doing anything I was on the phone with MCI (bitches) with a guy who sounded like the slushy guy off the Simpson's but he tells me his name is Mark, now you know his name ain't Mark. anyway...I actually started this blog earlier but so how got side tracked and never got back to it.



But Serenity23 isn't the only one fucking with me. We will call him Mr. Phuck-around-to-phuck around (Mr. PaP for short). Let me tell you about this guy. I met him my last year in law school he is from North Louisiana like myself. I didn't really give him the time a day in law school cause I felt he was full of shit. I based that off the fact he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't (or that's what I thought) be honest with me about his relationship with a classmates of mines. He would just say they were study partners and maybe she had feelings for him but that was her. Now mind you this girl completely stopped talking to me, associating with me and pretty much started acting stank with me when Mr. Pap started showing some interest in me. I would constantly give him opportunities to just say what it was going on, but because he never did I just kept him at a distance. I thought he was interesting but I still thought he was full of shit. Well fast forward about 3 years forward. The amazing tools of myspace (which I am no longer on) and its ability to reconnect friends and foes. Well we reconnected and chit chat and I found myself interested. Well for those that don't know I have some strange ways, one day we were talking and he was saying how he needed to come up my way and what not I told him that if he came my way and didn't call I would never talk to him again. Well the day came that he was to be in town and no call .....DELETE. and besides I was dating someone who pretty much had my extra time and attention. Well fast forward a couple of months and my boyfriend and I are no longer together and I am in the middle of my first jury trial and he calls. Actually I think I had just gotten my verdict (GUILTY) and was pretty bummed out. Cause this guy was offered 10 years and now is looking at up to 30. well anyway I talk with him and he has just the right words something to the effect "this verdict is no reflection on your abilities as a lawyer". Damn he just fell right in with that.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS BLOG FOR DAYS (back to your regularly scheduled programs)

I was like yeah and felt a lot better. He just know what to say, he is a great listener he is wonderful. Problem he lives an hour and a half away from me and he is seeing someone (not sure how serious it is but he is none the less). The first time I went to see him I met his family (that shit threw me for a loop) cause in my world you have to be around for a minutes (like months) before you meet the family cause I don't want them getting attached to you cause you may not be around long. well anyway he was asking all the right questions and I was working through whatever it was that was bothering me (see had i finished earlier I it would have been all good). Well fast forward to today, I have have issues (that's an understatement) but if I don't feel like I am getting my required attention (and yes it various from day to day) I will pretty much be done with you. Well I called him Wednesday and Thursday and he was busy and never called me back. (I HATE THAT) so I am glad I never programed him back into my phone (speaking of which I need to delete some names and numbers).

So what's going on with me...not sure. This started out as one thing but has evolved into another. When I was talking to Mr. PaPa I was telling him how I felt like sometimes I was the glue that held my family together, like there are so many expectations for me that there really isn't time for me to be me (whoever that is). Case in point- My father has moved back to LA and is living with my mother and I (this family dynamic hasn't happened in like 20years) well anyway his girlfriend was coming to visit (another blog for another day). So my father was dealing with those logistics and what not (cause she wasn't staying with us). Well my dad started a new job this week that he is so excited about. Well last night/this morning his girlfriends flight comes in (at an airport 3+ hours away), they were suppose to be staying at his best friends house (who is going through a divorce) but that fell through, so they show up at the house at like 6:45 a.m. and my dad is apologizing but like I am not going to work (that's shit you just started) so I get in my ZONE I tell my dad that he needs to get dressed for work cause he is not going to be late, I tell his girlfriend she can have my room, the DirectTV man was suppose to coming between 8-12, so my mom stays at home in case he calls or comes. So I take my Dad to work, his girlfriend comes with us. We get back and I lay down for a minute then just when I was getting in the shower the DirectTV guy shows up and does his installations (which I have to be there for cause my mom would have been paralyzed by his presence) So I call work and tell them I am gonna be late for my meeting (this is why I can't leave) actually end up moving them to early Tuesday morning (ass kicker) get that squared away, call Kari and cancel my hair appointment and schedule one for next Friday cause I have things to do and make sure they get done. Call my aunt and let her know that I am picking my dad up and head into work.

So what was suppose to be an easy breezy day is not.....I haven't even really eaten today cause I am just trying to make sure all goes well. A friend of mines is coming into town and wanted to do dinner but I am not sure if I can. I have to work at a Heart Walk tomorrow morning and have a deb. ball meeting Sunday....so I don't know what I am gonna do.

Like I said this blog was started out to be so different, I was gonna address some concerns I was having one in particular "Can you be aggravated with God?" I will try to pray on that and well blog about that later (next week).

Sorry for the ramble but I had to finish this blog some way.

Back Door whispering in my ear.......

Okay if you haven't figured it out Serenity23 is my line sister, my back door and it was her that motivated me to began blogging. Occasionally she poses these questions on her blog about this that and another and I am feel its the responsible thing to do is to respond so on her last blog this is what she proposes. Just a side note, I thinks she is fucking with me, reading my mind, or something cause this is truly some sick timing.

1. Do you know what your purpose is?
UGH no, I tried to do Rick Warren's book a purpose driven life but I just didn't finish it.....I wonder sometimes weather I made a wrong turn back there and have completely missed my purpose and this is as good as it gets......Oh the humanity (I cry if it is).

2. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Oh so many things. (a) Politician like Lt. Governor of Arkansas or Vice-President not in charged but close to being in charged I wanted POWER but no RESPONSIBILITY....LOL!!! (b) Ab attorney cause I thought that would be cool and people said that would be good for me cause as a child I saw things differently, asked a bunch and talk a lot. (c) Archaeologist- I loved history and wanted to dig in Egypt and find cool artifacts (not like Indiana Jones) something more serious and respected. (d) Psychologist cause I just believe the human mind is fascinating and I could really help people. (e) Sociologist cause I love to watch people and study them I have a friend and we have people in our lives that we call "case studies" and we truly sit and discuss them from top to bottom, inside out. (f) Robotic Engineer-I loved the thought of creating something that could help people and I love building and mechanical stuff.

3. Is that what you are now?
I am an attorney...and that is truly by the grace of God.....As for the other things when I got to college I was intimidated by the curriculum (okay I was just lazy and didn't want anything to hard, so I majored in Information Systems Decision Science....LOL!!!) Most of these disciplines were in the Arts and Science College and you had to take at least 2 years of a foreign language and that just wasn't for me. I took 2 years of Spanish in high school and all I developed was a dislike for Spanish speaking people, I am not sure if it was its presentation or what and I only new that Spanish on a college level would only expose me to being in the Clock Tower with a riffle so I passed and went with ISDS.

4. What people in life did you admire?
I admired Flo-Jo (cause I thought I was going to be a track star, not the Olympics or anything but maybe just college scholarship or something (okay I quit track like my Jr. year in High School but I started loosing interest my sophomore year when my coach put me on hurdles. My mother to this day I am terrified of having kids cause I don't think I will be half the mother my mother was and anything less the perfect (being my mom) is unacceptable and unfair to my children. MJW- she is a woman who is at my old church she is full of wisdom and knowledge she has lived a Christian life and she is someone I want to be like when i grow up. Ms.Pochoo- she was this woman in my old church who i just thought was the greatest she use to sing this song "If anybody ask you who I am...." and tear the house down. I love her voice, her spirit she was real, I remember her talking about her days in the clubs and how she would be after drinking whiskey and say it was like the table would say "Get up her come on and get up her and dance" she was so honest and truthful about her walk, she would say I ain't always been in the church. I just loved that about her.

5. What were you created for?
Not really sure I think I may be in the boot camp phase of my creation and hopefully if I stay (get) diligent over what I have now the Lord will bless me with more. I believe what I am doing now is what am suppose to be doing. Cause as much as I hate it I still have a peace, as much as i want to quit I still come back each day.

Catching up....

The last time I wrote I was sick (that was Wednesday). So much has happened but not really. lets see.



Thursday I got a disturbing call from one of my study partners in law school. She called to tell me about a shooting in Alexandria. Once of my classmates from law school was killed along with the postman. His father and uncle were shot and are still fighting for there life. This hit me really hard not because we were close but because we are in the same profession. He was a private attorney who (I guess) did a general practice, it was a family law firm and this guy just came in opening fire. I on the other had do criminal defense, and have all types of characters coming in and out of our office we represent all sorts of criminals. It just weird how short life can be.



What else is going on. Well I found out my crush is engaged. Yeah that sucks. Okay who or what am I talking about. Okay, when I first moved back I attended these "mardi gras meeting" and there was this guy that caught my eye (but of course I never said a thing). Well one day this older lady (bless older peoples heart, they just don't know) just randomly ask me if I was seeing anyone (which always raises an eyebrow) and I responded no and then she says (loudly) oh you and Crush should get together (oh Dear God, please open up this floor and swallow me whole) I of course act uninterested and shy and shame and needless to say never went back to the meeting. Well fast forward like 2 -3 years later I see this guy at a Bingo Hall were I volunteer (he was volunteering as well) and listen to him talk and find myself even more attracted to him. Well so I am having lunch with a friend and decided to find out somethings about him and see what comes back on his "intelligence report". Everything comes back GOOD and a GEAUX (shout out to the Tigers). Fast forward a few weeks, I take a play out of Serenity23's play book and decided I was gonna shoot him an email via Facebook to see if he wanted to do lunch (I should have known something was wrong with this when wouldn't go through but I waited and tried later and it went through). So I waited and waited to get a response but nothing so I just figure (1) he didn't get it or (2) he got it and didn't want to do lunch either way I was moving on (and noting the books on being brave and bold---stepping outside one's box may not be my thing). So yesterday I had the pleasure of seeing him not once but twice.....Damn it I never see this dude. I see him at a restaurant with some lady (who I will assume is his fiance) and then in the newspaper. When I see him in the restaurant I am being escorted out by my friends 5 year old son (now anyone who knows me and kids knows that my behavior is usually so NON-adult) and as we pass there table I just make eye contact and all I could say is HEY!!! as I am being PULLED out. Well later that night I am reading flipping through the paper (mind you I hardly ever read the paper) and who do I see CRUSH and his fiance in the Living section WTF!!!!! Needless to say I feel absolutely stupid. So today I call my friend who did my intelligence report to find out how this was over looked, and he tells me he just found out and that he was out of town last week and found out right before he left UGH (i growl). Well that's that folks.....



WORK---is kicking my behind.



I was think about my past and who I was and who I am now and was somewhat sadden by the transformation (Tourette moment Transformers on DVD Oct. 16). I use to be so active and involved with EVERYTHING and now I hardly do anything. So I have gotten back involved with Sorority (which as I am seeing can be a LARGE commitment). I also remember that when I have a full (not excessively full) plate I function better. So just going to work, church, library, family's home, occasional visit to Wal-mart and miscellaneous stores just isn't gonna get it for me. I need to get out more and make friends (cause I really don't have any friends) okay I do but not like talking about. So we will see what happens.....



I will address Serenity's challenge in my next blog.

Damn it I am sick......

I hate being sick.....I am a big baby and my mother isn't for that nurturing shit. My mother and I are car pooling right now and I get in the car and announce I am sick and she proceeds to tell me why. She believes its because I don't slow down. Her theory--- if I would get up in the morning a bet earlier (yeah right) and get in the shower and once I get out take some time to cool off and get dressed and then got to the car I wouldn't be getting sick. Cause in the morning I jump out of bad (usually cause I have over slept) hope in the shower, put on my clothes and then run to the car. By the time I get to the car i am on fire (i usually have sweat running down my face and/or back) then I get to work walk fast to the office pick up my files run to the courthouse and if i am feeling good take 2 flights of stairs and then sit down (once again I am on fire sweat running down my back and on my face) depending on what rocket scientist in working the thermostat the heat may be on or the air or nothing. I finally cool off then back to the office.
Well so I colleague is talking to me and I announce I am sick (damn can I get some nurturing around her) she is like what is wrong with you you been sick a lot.....I tell her my mom's theory and she says I told you to slow your ass down.... you need to stop and smell the rose (WTF) who has time to do that. She says I need to just slow down and not get so worked up when things don't go my way (once again WTF). I am gonna wear myself out trying to keep this pace.

I will admit i am somewhat an extreme person, only because I don't have a balance I give 100% until I am burnt out and hopefully that carries me over my burn out period and then it starts all over again.

Random---today a private attorney approached me about coming and working for her. Now I had just decided I was not going to look for another job because I was gonna start applying for school. When I came to my job I had a 3 year plan i was going to practice for 3 years walk away with 40% of my retirement and go back and get my LLM. I wanted to start applying November/December so that in the event I get rejected I would have another year to apply and if I got accepted I could possible defer my admission for a year. So I will have to pray and think about it. any thoughts?????