should have just taken my ass to Seattle

While in law school I went to Seattle and interviewed with several "firms" and was offered a job for the State of Washington. More than likely I would have ended up in (50%) Olympia and a (50%) chance I would have been some where else across the state. The decision was so hard I didn't have any other offers at the them but had done much interviewing and was just playing the waiting game. Well I sent my fax to Ms. Natamura declining the opportunity to move to the great state of Washington and work for the State with there Attorney General office. My friends were so mad at me cause now they didn't have a new place to visit and how dare I deny them the chance to see Puget Sound and Jimi Hendrix grave or experience the culture of Seattle (now it wasn't gauranteed I would be in Seattle) i could have been in Port orchard or Bainbridge Island or Yakima and that may have really SUCKED!!!!

Well needless to say everything worked out, so why am I think that I should have gone. Well last night I did something that needed to be done but I really didn't want to nor/or was I truly ready to do.

I think I have talked about Mr. Phuck around to Phuck around (PAPA). Well I have been distancing myself, not calling him when I want to or everytime I think about him. well last night he text me and was like "what are you doing" my response was "why?" he says "I wanted to see you" I was like "you coming to (import my city)". NO response.....So I call him and was like whats going on, he said he was trying to find something to do and wanted to see me but he need to take this call, but he might be my way if so he will call me. So I get off the phone and go to sleep only to be awaken my a phone call of no substance and can't go back to sleep. I began to think hell I could go see him (then I thought WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT). Well one of the reasons I have been distancing myself is because I came to the realization that "HE JUST ISN'T THAT IN TO ME" so I need to move on. Well anyway I text him about "what did you decide to do" he responds "stay at home" so I call him and we talk. The first thing he says is that I have missed you, I wanted to be around you. does this motherfucker have timing or what. Now you all have somewhat read about my week. and I usually call him and he knows just what to say to make me feel all better, but like I said I have been distancing myself. So we talk a real talk (of course not what i signed up for when i called i really just wanted to hear his voice and hell after hearing it and him saying he missed me and wanted to be around me I could have hung up and and been satisfied but no I am greedy). Well anyway we have one of our real convos and I tell him that I think this will be the last time we talk and he was like I wish we could have had this in person. I'm like I'm glad we didn't.....So why is was this our last convo.
I am a a selfish controlling guarded bitch who isn't open to changing or compromising. However I met this man who I want, like really really want and would be willing to change (okay modify) and he isn't all that in to me. I think he likes me, he likes being around me but he just isn't willing to give me what I want. His response is that I can't handle what I want, I am afraid of commitment, and that I would get scared freeze up and bail out. Now I must admit this would be my normal mode of operation but with him I don't think it would, I can't promise but I feel differently about him. I (how fuckin appropriate Quincy Jones Everything Must Change just came on). This guy is everything I want in a man....he is funny, smart, real, says all the right things, he challenges me, makes me think, however its done in a way that makes me want to be a better person, be the person he sees. I can say being around him is like being on another planet. I don't worry about a thing, its about him being in control and making the decisions, the weight of the world that i carry daily is checked in when i cross his threshold. SO I WOULD BE EASY TO JUST COMPLETELY LET GO however I will not do it for someone who just isn't that in to me and want give me what I want. Call me a baby but yes I am packing up my shit and leaving. I am at a different point in my life where I want to be the center of attention, the #1 person and in order to move forward I can't continue to make the same decisions I once did, hoping that I will eventually get what I want. He has made it clear I can't have what I want NOW so I have to leave the situation. END OF STORY

So it back to my original position on men and relationship.
WHAT EVER I NEED FROM A MAN I CAN BUY, BORROW OR DO MYSELF. no I am not bitter, I am just real. Some people will have the husband, 2.5 kids etc. etc. I on the other hand probably want, so I need to worry and take care of me. A man is not a plan. I believe there are some great available men out there, however I will not waste my time looking, searching or pondering over there existence in my life. I say again there are some wonderful men out there I have met them, however I just am not compatible with them so I take my hat out of the ring and let the other women have at it.

So what am I doing......Serenity suggested I read the Millionaire next door. So I have purchased the book and have been reading. So I figure i will build wealth and when I die a rich ole bitch i can leave my wealth and riches to my pet cat Bubbles (note I don't have a cat, animals make me sneeze so this is a joke.)
But I can invest in other future, but first i must build my wealth. so off to building wealth (first step keep my job and be prepared for this Aggravated Battery trial I have on Monday.)