Sunday, July 20, 2008

So you want a letter......

Ladie and Gentlemen I have an annoucement, I am a sucker, all day every day I am a sucker for love. So Friday I am sitting on the computer and guess who pops up, Aaron. So we are chatting and everything is going well. So he ask why do I keep deleting him, I tell him because I can't decide weather I want to talk to him or not. So then he says call me, I respond ugh can I have your number and then just randomly my phone rings. So we talk and he continues to apologize and tell me how he wanted to see me and blah blah blah. Then he says that I will just come and spend a weekend with you. I am like WHAT!!! Ugh, not sure I want that. So I like what weekend are you coming back and he says some random weekend in September. I am like whats the occassion, he is like ugh nothing. So we talk more and more adnI fall deeper and deeper for the ookie doak. Well so we finally get off the phone and I go to bed. So I am thinking and it comes to me what is going on that weeked, Homecoming and to add to that his fraternity is celebrating its 30th anniversary and there is suppose to be some sort of big reunion planed that weekend. So needless to say I am pissed.

Because this negro just lyed to me unprovoked and unsolicited. I have him an opportunity to say what was up and what does he do LIE. Well anyway I am online today and he is too, I speak and then I am typing and he sends me a message and says what are you typing, I am like how do you know I am typing he says cause it says you are, I say I am but not to you. He is like O, sorry. So then I ask, do you want me to write you a letter (in my mind a simple yes or no question) so he responds thats on you,I am like this is a simply yes/no question and apparently you don't which is fine cause if you had said yes I wouldn't have known what to say. So I get offline to wash my hair.

Well I am sitting hear thinking maybe I should write this letter, but I don't want him to keep my letter I want him to read it and give it back, because I don't want him to have "evidence" against me. so I figure I would write the letter here and then I would somewhat feel better.

Dear Aaron:

I must say I can't remeber the last time I wrote a letter and I sure as hell can remeber the last time I wrote a "note" to a guy. I do have couple of things on my mind. I don't even know where to start so I guess I will start from the begining. I can remeber so vididly the first day I met you and your boys, I can remeber going to teh "block party" in front of Power Hall. I rember feeling so stupid around you guys cause you all just kept coming with the jokes about me being from Arkansas and did I "bang in little rock" and everything. I can't say that I liked you then but I remeber thinking you were nice, but I had a boyfriend and I was in love with him. Well time went on and I remeber we had a class together and you became my study partner and I remeber thinking I am dropping this class and you may need to find a new partner cause as soon as you leave I am dropping this class. I think that night that you came over to work on an ISDS project I remeber thinking you gotta live, cause then I was seeing someone and it wasn't good that you were there, I could forsee myself getting in trouble. Well time passed and we would see each other occassionaly and campus, I remeber thinking you were attractive but that everytime I was around you and your friends I just felt stupid. So I would just speak and keep it moving, never engaging in anything more just a hello and thats it. I later learned that you took it as me acting "uppity" but in reality I was just shy and didn't know what to say to you without feeling stupid. I remeber you were the one that taught me how to pronounce Tchoupitoulas. Well any way school ran it course for me and so I graduated. Thinking I would never see you nor talk to you or ever find out anything else about you. Then one day 8 years later, you request me to be your friend on face book and on Saturday we talk all day and all night. You confess that you had a crush on me while in college but thought that I wouldn't be interested in you. I never tell you that I too had a crush on you but that everytime I saw you it was never a good time. I think you were dating someone when I wasn't and vice versa. Well anyway we talk and laughed and talked and laughed some more and it felt good. we would chat each other through out the day and chat. I guess you've figured out by now that I am a very gaurded person and I don't let people get close to me. I felt myself opening up to you and then I felt myself become indifferetn to you, which isn't a good thing cause the next step after indifference is dismissal. So we planned to have a date. The Sunday after July 4th, as the date got closer my indifference turned into annyoance, and anger. I was pissed that i agreed to this, even though I just wanted to lay/sit around and have some drinks and just talk until I feel asleep. I wanted to find out more about you and what made you tick, figure out how after all these years I could find myself still smitten with you. I even would have loved to listen to some good music, good food and good dranks and just TALK face to face. but then I wanted to call you and cancel and back out because I was scared, what if it went well then what and what if it went bad then what. So I was conflicted on this date we had set. I wanted to cancel but I didn't want to cancel, I was hopping you would change your mind and so I would be the "bad" person for canceling. So when you didn't call, I was worried because you were so adamant that you were not gonna cancel or stand me up, even when I joked with you about standing me up. So I called you and left a message just to make sure everything was okay. Nothing. Not a return phone call, email, text, instant message, post card NOTHING. I think thats what hurt the most that you didn't have the decency to contact me and cancel on me. So a week goes by and I am get nothing and finally you send me a message apologizing and I accept you apology but I wasn't sure if I wanted any thing else to do with you because you hurt me and disappointed me. However, even feeling that way I still wanted to talk to you, be around you, why I have no ideal Iwas still intrigued by you and was still smitten by you. I said that everything happens for a reason, well honestly you standing me up moved me from indifferent back to intrigued. Who is this motherfucker that stood me up? Why did he stand me up? Well so then we talked on Friday and I was once again smitten by you and even flattered by you wanted to spend a random weekend with me. But this is were it gets a little confusing for me.

You said that you stood me up because your nephew was in and out of the hospital. Okay!!
You said the the reason that you didn't contact me was because you didn't have my number programed in my phone and you couldn't/didn't get to sign on to your computer.
My thoughts on this is that you are full of shit. So what you are telling me is that even if you nephew hadn't been in and out of the hospital I would have been stood up any way because you didn't have access to my information. I have a problem with people who make me worry and people who I percieve to be inconsiderate. But I also have a problem with people who don't plan. Why haven't/didn't you program my number into your phone over the weeks that we talked and talked about going out when you came it never crossed you my number was worth programming into you phone. Just with the fact that you didn't think it important to program my number into your phone, did you ever have any intention of callingme when you got here......Iwould have to think NOT!!!

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this moment from our sponsors: My male best friend says that there are types of women that he want ever talk about with me: (1) the ones not worth mentioning; (2) the ones not worth seeing and (3) the ones not worth meeting. Now back to the letter.

So okay you are a bad planner, I have been lumped into one of you not worth catergories. That fine, I can't be mad if you don't want to go out with me just have the fucking decency to tell me. Please don't be a punk bitch about. I am sorry to hear about you nephew but it seems based on what you have said that I was gonna get stood up anyway. and just another observation.....I called you and left you a message. So after that why didn't you have my number. I am begining to think some body is full of shit.

So with all that being said, I will say I still wasn't mad. I didn't want to completely be done with you. I was welling to forgive and move on. I mean after talking to you on Friday I was so smitten. Even though you feel asleep at the end, which I found kinda cute. But then you go and lie.

So I look at my calendar because I knew one weekend I was gonna be in Port City for my mom's birthday. Now I wasn't so smitten with you that I wanted to be held hostage with you for an entire weeked, but I was willing to may be spend some time with you but I wanted to make sure I was gonna be here before I committed and that I didn't have anything going on. As I am looking at my calendar I see that the weekend you mention, and correct me if I'm wrong is Homecoming and not just any homecoming for you its your fraternities 30th anniversary. Now I was feeling pretty played when I reallized this. I mean I asked you what was bringing you to Capitol City on this random (so I thought) weekend in September. what did you say nothing. Nothing? do i have stupid on my forehead? You know I am glad I told you that I wasn't sure I wanted to spend an entire weekend with you. Dude your game is weak, because if it had been me (putting on my ole' player hat) I would have said I am actually am coming for Homecoming/Reunion, but I would love to spend that time with you as well. i sure i would have declined the offer to be among you frat brothers both old and young, but I would have felt kinda special that you wanted me to come with you to the reunion. or hell you could have said I have planned to be at the reunion but i want to spend time with you while I am there. Would you consider making some time for me? but no you go off and volunteer a lie.

So now we have inconsiderate, unorganized and now lier. Damn Aaron why you have to go and lie. Not that i am keeping score but I think this makes the second time that you have hurt/disappointed me. I have my own issues already so now I have to add trust to them when dealing with you. No sir I don't think so I think what ever feelings/emotions I had/have toward you I am gonna have to let them go. I can't allow you to hurt/disappoint me a third time. I mean you have struck out twice and we haven't even come face to face, a date, a hug nothing. Dude we are still in the preliminary phases of this "situation" and you are already fucking up. I would be a fool to continue anything with you. So just call me a fool...cause even after all of this I would like for us to remain aquatiaces. But thats that's just the sucker in me.

As you all probaly know I want ever give him this letter but if I do I will let you know how it goes, but don't hold your breath.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Randomness.....

Is it wrong that I don't have an overwhelming desire to be married or have kids...I mean I want a wedding, actually not a wedding just a reception and as far as kids I just want to be pregnant and nurse, not trying to raise and enroll in school nothing major. Maybe I will just throw myself a big bash and be a surrogate mother. LOL!!

My two cents

Okay so a couple of things are on my mind.
Let’s start with last week. Last Saturday night I couldn’t sleep and hopped on the Internet, I checked my face book account and guess who was on Krush. I don’t know if you all remember Krush but he was the guy in Port City that I had a crush on and come to find out he had a girlfriend/fiancĂ©. Well anyway I spoke just to see how he was doing, and his response was GREAT!!! Half joking/half serious I responded “dude, I need some of whatever you got” he was like “what do you mean” my response was “I am doing good but I need to have whatever you got that can move me to Great” Well any way we chatted for a while and this is what I am learned/already knew about myself.
Even though I say I don’t (and I don’t to some extent) really cares what people think about me. I have heard it all my life that I am different, weird, strange, crazy, and white whatever you name it because I don’t feed into the stereotypes, subscribe to traditional “black” thought or sometimes do things or respond to things differently. For example, even though there are several black people in my belly dancing class, I am taking belly dancing. I told Krush one of the things I had the biggest issue with was I refuse to be defined by what type of car I drive, the name brand suit I were (or don’t wear), the handbag I carry, the way my hair is done or any other stupid superficial bullshit. I hate people knowing what my profession/occupation I would be happy if people thought I was the clerk at the corner store. I mean when people find out you are an attorney they have these expectations that have nothing to do with the law whatsoever. I am me and I do me, whatever that means, there is nothing special about me I am no different than the next chick. I could have just as easily be statistical black women from a single parent home who pretty much had to raise herself. So Krush tells me that I shouldn’t be ashamed/embarrassed that of what I have achieved nor should I surround myself with people who can’t/don’t celebrate these things with me. He goes on to say I need to cut off toxic people. Now if you all haven’t learned anything about me, I am somewhat no confrontational, I don’t like drama and confusion. I would rather maintain a friendship than have to deal with the drama of ending one. So needless to say I have some interesting people I surround myself with. And I know part of the reason is because I have allowed this to happen/go on for so long. I don’t really go to my friends with the things that are truly on my mind/heart. I think the person I would go to the most is El (I think that is what I have called him) but anyway my male best friend.


Earlier this week there has been much controversy about the “New Yorker’s cover of Senator Obama and his wife. I will say I am still confused about my position on the cover. I will say at first blush I thought this was a bunch of bullshit, how dare the New Yorker post such a racist, inaccurate, offensive and irresponsible picture. But then I looked at it more and learned more about the magazine. I learned that this was done as a satire, that they do things like this all the time. So I began to think what was wrong with this: I think for those ignorant people this will only serve as conformation and fuel for their fire about why we can’t trust Obama (as if our past presidents and presidential candidates have me trustworthy). So then I began to think what is right with this, those people who will use this as ammunition against Obama and his candidacy we want and can’t change. So I began to think well if this is satire what satire is. My understanding of satire is that it takes something, usually political in nature, present the extreme representation of whatever the issue is, in this case our understanding of Obama and giving us a exaggerated image of these extreme representation so that me may see the silliness in such. I think this is a great opportunity for some dialogue. I think we have a teachable moment. With Obama potentially being the first black president there have to be some things put on the table. Does America really understand blacks, black women and their indignation with America, Black men and their struggle, who Obama really. So is the Muslim, does he follow Bin Laden, is his wife some Angela Davis type Black Panther Militant, are they proud Americans. Instead of have discussions about these and so many other things we are dismissing this opportunity and leaving the picture to speak for itself. Which in my opinion is the last thing we want to do, I don’t think the New Yorker’s depiction is wrong, maybe inappropriate but that’s what satire is, it’s not to be funny, factual or appropriate. It’s to get people talking. I don’t think all the discussion about Obama and his family needs to be had now, these are things that should have been discussed and nipped in the bud prior to his “nomination”, at this point we should be talking about the recession that we are/are not in, the price of gas, education, environment, and obesity….the issues. But apparently there are people who can’t get pass his name and his “background” so that we can get to the true issues. I mean we didn’t ask Bush about his “relationships” the Bin Laden. Question: Are Obama and McCain ever going to debate?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Addedum to Goals

Just when I thought I had it going on, S23 challenges me with some questions. So I guess I better think more in depth about my goals. I think I should categorize them, which will help me in attaining them.

ON GOING GOALS- which mean that these goals are life long goals that I want to work towards them until my death.
Become truly active in church- right now I go to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday School after church and Bible Study on Tuesday; I want to find my ministry and grow in it.
Travel more
Do better when it comes to offerings at church- I tithes without thought, I can do 10%, but its offerings that get me. How much is enough, I know you are suppose to give from the heart, but how do you budget that?
Investigate and embrace a more holistic lifestyle
Cook more---how about Cook!!!
Exercise more---how about Exercise!!!
Control my weight (lose about 60 lbs. and maintain it)-
I have started making modifications in my eating habits, I take the stairs more at work, I drink more water, I pay more attention to the things I consume. I have set a goal to active start trying to loose weight beginning (1-4-09 and by 12-26-09 I figure I can lose 59 lbs.) I know that sounds crazy but I have a plan. Starting 1-4-09 I will do the master cleanser for 14 days from beginning to end. I will also begin my membership to the Y which will coincide with the cleanser. The last time I did it I didn’t exercise in conjunction and I lost 10 lbs, I have since gained it back but that’s a different story. Once that is completed I will go on a “diet” not your traditional diet, but one that eliminates bad “food” and add good “food” to cover 30 weeks, but I will actually do it for 49 weeks. I will also continue exercise.
Get back into dancing- tap, ballet, modern, jazz and belly- I have began belly dancing classes and want to continue them until the end of the year. I will take advantage of other dance courses in the following years that are offered by the local college and gym I am a member.
Get back into Yoga/Pilate's- part of my work out schedule for the upcoming years will include both classes that are offered at my gym.
Maintain relationship/contact with friends- I said for my 30th birthday I will began a complete phasing out of toxic people and work to maintain relationships with my “true” friends.

Financial- these are economic goals some have time lines while others don’t

Pay my Car off- I purchased my current car (12-2008), I have a low percentage rate but its for 5 years; I plan to pay it off (7-2011) which will be about 2 years and 7 months. (which will be within the 3 years that I wanted to pay it off)
Pay my Student Loans off (ugh… I don’t even know where to start with this one I fell like Sallie Mae will always be a part of my life; I have student loans that total over $70,000. I haven’t sat down to create an “attack plan” for this debt. As of right now I am scheduled to have them paid off by 8/14/2034…yes 2034 so we will sweep this under the rug for a bet longer.)
Pay my mom's house off (early) - I have a plan for that LOL!!! I want to have it paid off by 2014, we purchased it in 2006 and I think she has a 30-year mortgage, I haven’t really investigated because I know my mom she hates to talk finances with me and if I don’t have money to encourage her to open dialogue we are in trouble.
Build/Buy a home- I don’t have a plan for this yet, I know it will be after I pay my mom’s house off and once I get a plan for Sallie Mae. Right I figure I can stay in my current place for at least 5 more years, especially with the price of gas and I only live like less than a mile away and I love my neighborhood.
Give back to my Alma maters- I want to be financially relevant alum, I don’t have to have buildings named after me but a scholarship would be nice. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with this, if I am going to get some friends together and we sponsor this or if I am going to do this on my own. I did say I wanted to name one of my scholarships after my mother because it was because of her sacrifices that I accomplished what I have.
Save about $70,000- This is an ongoing thing. No deadline, but I want to do this before I purchase my first home. Now this isn’t just for my first home: $3,000 is for emergency cash that I can go to the ATM and just pull out whenever for whatever not earmarked for anything; $17,000 for living expenses, say I were to lose my job or get sick and tired and just up and quit this would be for about 6 months of living expenses; and $50,000 for a down payment on my home.
Furnish my place- no time line on this, but before I move into my “purchased” home. I want to accumulate investment pieces so that I want be spending money like crazy trying to furnish my new place, cause if I moved right now I would have jack shit…
PERSONAL PROJECTS…things I just want to do because.
Learn Spanish- I took 2 years of Spanish in college, I just want to learn a second language.
Learn Sign Language- in elementary school I check out a book on sign language and taught myself and some of my friends the alphabets, I just want to be able to sign.
Learn to Golf- I dated a guy who golfed/golf and ever since I met him I have always wanted to learn. I think I am going to check out what the local college is offering such classes.
Become a Massage Therapist- as if my current occupation isn’t enough, I just want to do it I have always wanted to do that since a child. And besides it’s always good to have a hobby you can make money in.
Go to the Kentucky Derby- even though I don’t talk to my dad, I do enjoy watching horse races and would love to go with some friends and live it up.
Learn how to play an instrument- which one I don’t know maybe the flute or guitar or piano.
Get my teaching career started- hopefully this will happen by the end of the year, if Human resources will get a move on it.
Pursue higher education ---L.LM, Masters, Ph.D—did you miss the part where I said I had over $70K in student loan debt, I don’t want to accumulate anymore, so hopefully if this teaching gig gets moving, I can maybe teach somewhere that would pay for me to get my degree(s).
Get organized
Go to the hill (Capitol Hill), I just want to work on the hill

Because I am a planner I can’t have to may things planned at once I think I have some things to take me to through years and as I accomplish things I will add a new thing.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Goals

When I moved back to Port City after graduation I was sitting outside my beauticians shop, waiting for her, of course, I decided to make a list of things. Well yesterday it was interesting to see the things I could scratch off. So here is my revised list:

1. Become truly active in church.

2. Pay my Student Loans off

3. Pay my Car off

4. Travel more

5. Do better when it comes to offerings at church

6. Learn Spanish

7. Learn Sign Language

8. Get back into dancing- tap, ballet, modern, jazz and belly

9. Get back into Yoga/Pilate's

10. Learn to Golf

11. Become a Massage Therapist

12. Investigate and embrace a more holistic lifestyle

13. Control my weight (lose about 60 lbs. and maintain it)

14. Cook more---how about Cook!!!

15. Exercise more---how about Exercise!!!

16. Go to the Kentucky Derby

17. Pay my mom's house off (early)

18. Pursue higher education ---L.LM, Masters, Ph.D

19. Build/Buy a home

20. Get organized

21. Go to the hill (Capitol Hill), I just want to work on the hill

22. Maintain relationship/contact with friends

23. Learn how to play an instrument

24. Give back to my Alma maters

25. Get my teaching career started

26. Save about $70,000

27. Furnish my place

So these are the things I will be working on in the upcoming years

Why I never played the "dozens"

For those that don't know I am an only child. Growing I was the poster kid for "latch key" kids. I spent many days at home by myself with the phone and cable all to myself. I wasn't suppose to have anyone in/at the house. When I got home from school I was suppose to check the mail, call my mom when I got home and do my homework and get ready for the next day. For the most part I didn't really see my mom that much, I would see her in the morning when before school and work (for her) and if I stayed up late enough I would see her when she got home. Now I should be (but I am not ) ashamed to say I sleep (yes as in present tense) with my mom. I don't do it as much now since I am older and we live in separate houses. But growing up I did it like it was the thing to do. At first I did it because we only had one bed (long story), but once I got my own bed I never really wanted to sleep in it. Now if I was mad or something I would sleep in my own bed (as punishment). Well even into my adulthood I would come home from school and hop in my mama bet and go in to a deep comma like state. Well anyway, I say all that to say growing up I had many surrogate families. One in particular were the "twins" home.

The Twins
Now I met the twins through there niece. When we moved to Arkansas my mom found a beautician and as any black women knows. when you move to a knew place its important to find someone who knows where the "kitchen" is and what to do when its nappy. Heat or Chemicals!!! Well anyway my mom found someone who ended up inviting us to church. Well I get there and ended up sitting next to this girl who ended up inviting me to her grandparents house. Guess what it was my new beauticians home. My mom let me go, I put on some of her clothes to play in and it was on. Well "niece" stayed with her grandmother, who had two daughters (who were a year older than me) cause "niece" was a year younger than me, and a son who was a couple of years older than me. Well when I got to there house, I thought they were rich, why because they had a Nintendo and a Sega and I didn't have either, plus they had all these games. Well they were playing between to the and cracking jokes and I am just sitting there in amazement. Well the twins' family take me in, I mean I went on family vacations, was at there house like "ALL THE TIME" now they would great jokes, buss raps on one another. But I tried my hardest not to get caught up cause. I know me, I am that person that gets mad and wants to fight. When I come back I am coming back to SHUT YOU DOWN!!! I am going for a main artery, no superficial wounds here. I want a one hit quitter.

So the reason I don't play the dozens is cause i can't "play" saying "mean" things to people, cause when i say them I mean them and it ain't know coming back. I am "hard core" at least in my mind I am.

I say all that to come back to my something (2) people have brought to my attention. It has to do with my inability to communicate with people. I don't think people are really ready to hear how I feel and I don't think I am really ready to share it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I don't want to be down right mean to anyone. For example: Aaron- Well I heard from him. Saturday before I went to market, I sat down at my computer and he Im'd me apologizing, I told him that his apology was accepted and that I was mad. Which was true. I wasn't, I was disappoint, hurt and annoyed, but Mad I wasn't. But I didn't say any of those things. I just toyed with it in my head and "deleted" him from my IM list. I was sitting at my computer yesterday at work and was getting ready to head home and up pops him. saying something to the effect that I must be acting funny cause I haven't spoken to him. Honestly, I didn't know he was online and I didn't really have anything to say. Now my response was "what are you talking about" but in my mind I wanted to say:
Just because I have accepted your apology doesn't mean that everything is going back to how it was before you stood me up. Now I am not mad about you "standing me up" because I understand things come up and when family's involved you have a tendency to loose track of time and responsibilities. I am sorry to here that your nephew was in and out of the hospital while you were here and I am not mad that I didn't get to see you while you were in town. However, I think it is fucking cowardly and bullshit that it took you 1 whole fucking week to initiate any form of communication with me regarding the change in plans, ie "you standing me up". I mean a text, email, phone call, hell something shit anything would have been better than 7 whole days wondering what the fuck just happened. Now as to me not speaking to you online, it wasn't acting funny I just didn't realize you were online, because I thought about it and decided to stand by my initial position in deleting your inconsiderate ass. At this point I have nothing to say to you but "Best of Luck". I have now room for people in my life that are to busy to be considerate. If you would have been fortunate to really get to know me you would know I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE ME WORRY, that is part of the reason my father and I don't talk now, inconsiderate is on my list of things not to do if you want to be my friend and see what can develop naturally from that.....inconsiderate is the pesticide to my garden,it kills everything. But with all that being said I hope you enjoyed your trip home and everyone else was doing fine, that you got to see your God son and he and family are doing fine. I have no desire to be your enemy, however I think we may need to return to our status prior to us reconnecting.
Now you can't just type something like that and expect no type of response and if I got no type of response I would be pissed, yes its a double edge sword no winning.

As I think back over my relationships I can't think of getting into arguments with any of them. Cause usually I just walk away, because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings or say something that would burn a bridge---i just suck it up and move alone.

I am planning on going to church today. I really need to go since I didn't go Sunday.

I will do a second post, yes a Double Header, cause S23 has been truly motivating. so on to the second post.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Why is closure so important to me....

So today was rather interesting. I said on Thursday that I didn't want to do so much on the weekends. I know S23 says I do more cleaning up than anyone, actually I "clean up" on a weekly basis. That includes dust mopping, washing dishes, putting up clothes and shoes. Every other week I wash clothes. I really want to be on a schedule, because I feel so much better when I know what I am suppose to be doing and am doing it. Well Thursday I cleaned up, cleaned bathroom, and what not. I said that on Friday I would come home from work and separate clothes and make a grocery list and relax and watch movies. Which I did. I said on Saturday I would finally go to market and wash clothes which I did. On Sunday I would go to church, belly dancing and grocery shopping which I plan to do.



So today was a rather interesting day. I work up around 7/7:30 for market which was opens at 8 a.m. I hope online just to do my normal thing and guess how pops me a message. Aaron!!! Yeah the one who stood me up. He says I know you are mad, but I want to apologize for not contacting you or attempting to contact you. My response: Apology accepted!! He says: my nephew was in and out of the hospital. My response: how is he His response: he's okay he had Jaundice my response was: okay then he posted the definition of jaundice and my response was: I know what jaundice is his response: oh okay So then I say hey I am about to go talk to you later.



So the question remains, why is closure so important to me. I just can't walk away from things. Like this situation I (oh I forgot, when he popped up on my screen I added him back and he asked if I had deleted him, I told I only removed him from my list) I really want to just walk away. I will admit he did spark my interest but now I am like whatever to him, but I want to know WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!!! I know your nephew was in the hospital and all but you mean to tell me you didn't have one fucking minute to pick up your phone and say "hey, I can't talk long I am at the hospital with my family my nephew is sick i am gonna have to cancel, I'll call you when I get a chance" you mean to tell me its a been damn near a week and you just found the fuckin time to send me a message, I mean shit you could have sent an email, text, hell even a post card would have gotten here in less than 7 days.



So you are thinking why didn't I say these things to him. I don't know, because I am a shitty communicator. and lately I am talking bad too. I don't know why closure is so important to me if I refuse to be honest with people.



Well anyway my day was pretty good. I went to market and bought milk (whole milk WTF), peaches and Lasagna. I know crazy combo. I will definitely be back. So afterwards I cam home to wash clothes, while I was doing that, I ended up talking with my neighbor. She was like what are you doing up so early. So we talk for a bit and she tells me about some of the ladies in the neighborhood who get together and stuff. well today they are having a pool party. and she invites me. Ugh....I don't even own a swimsuit. I think the last swimsuit I owned was in high school. Yeah high school. I tell her that I will come but that I need to go shop for a ball gown. Yes I said it, a ball gown. After I finished washing clothes I trekked to the mall, yes the mall.



Anyone who knows me, knows I hate shopping for clothes and of all articles I hate a formal gown. Why cause it is so difficult to find one to accommodate all this body. Well I went to Dillards, Macy's, Sears and JCPenny and still know damn dress. I saw some cute things but nothing I could take home. Well while I was in there i had to get a corn dog, I hadn't had a mall corn dog in a minute. Probably the last time i went to the mall. Well afterwards, I head home to first stop at the grocery store to pick up a fruit tray. I got home and felt a little nauseated. So I laid down and found my old friend "power nap". I actually think I was over headed from outside, my car said it was 108 degrees and I don't think it got under 97 and I don't do outside. Well I got up and went to meet my neighbor who had invited me so we could go to the pool party. I must say I have never been to an adult (all ladies mind you) pool party. So i get there and a bunch of older ladies sitting under a tent "big tent" and eating and talking.
So I get home and unwind, pop in a movie "Daddy Day Camp".

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

My oh my...

Okay so its the Tuesday after the fourth, I did go home to see my mamma. Let me just say that its expensive as hell to go home. I know I spent at least $100 in gas. I said I was coming home for my Birthday in August, my mom's birthday in September, I may skip October (unless I can figure how i can absentee vote), November Thanksgiving and December Christmas. but i may have to make some adjustments to that schedule. So what happened.

I spoke with a friend of mines who was gonna be in Port City as well. I told him that I wanted to see him while there so call me so we can figure out something. Well Friday I called him and have yet to hear from him. I told you guys about Aaron who I was freaking out about going on a date with, well he stood me up. I haven't heard from him till this day and we were suppose to go out Sunday. I will say I am a bit indifferent. I was having reservation about going out and was hoping he would cancel, then I was pissed that he didn't have the decency to call and cancel. But as of today I am WHATEVER.

I am enjoying my dialogue on race. Even though one of my "peers" just went on with it. I told her I am gonna bring my whistle and flag cause she was out of control. "Flag on the play". I am so glad I went back. I facilitator that I had concerns about turns out to be pretty cool.

Yesterday, I finally got an invite to my co-workers book club. I am pretty excited, they (notice I say they) are reading a book called passion marks, its about a gay dude in an abusive relationship, I may go pick it up but not sure yet or i may go online and order it for really cheap. So I will have to tell you all about that.

I am back on my movie kick I watched some really good ones last nite, Spanglish and Ultimate gifts. They were really good movies you should check them out. Tonight I don't have church so I think I am gonna watch the Golden Compass and Caveman Valentine.

I am trying to get my rhythm back, so needless to say my blogs maybe pretty boring for a while. what else..I think I may go to a "concert" this week or next. there's a new artist that will be performing, that I am liking. check her out. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=33428961 She is playing her and that may be my "adventure" for the week, I am still trying to make it to the market so hopefully i will get around to doing that.