Why I never played the "dozens"

For those that don't know I am an only child. Growing I was the poster kid for "latch key" kids. I spent many days at home by myself with the phone and cable all to myself. I wasn't suppose to have anyone in/at the house. When I got home from school I was suppose to check the mail, call my mom when I got home and do my homework and get ready for the next day. For the most part I didn't really see my mom that much, I would see her in the morning when before school and work (for her) and if I stayed up late enough I would see her when she got home. Now I should be (but I am not ) ashamed to say I sleep (yes as in present tense) with my mom. I don't do it as much now since I am older and we live in separate houses. But growing up I did it like it was the thing to do. At first I did it because we only had one bed (long story), but once I got my own bed I never really wanted to sleep in it. Now if I was mad or something I would sleep in my own bed (as punishment). Well even into my adulthood I would come home from school and hop in my mama bet and go in to a deep comma like state. Well anyway, I say all that to say growing up I had many surrogate families. One in particular were the "twins" home.

The Twins
Now I met the twins through there niece. When we moved to Arkansas my mom found a beautician and as any black women knows. when you move to a knew place its important to find someone who knows where the "kitchen" is and what to do when its nappy. Heat or Chemicals!!! Well anyway my mom found someone who ended up inviting us to church. Well I get there and ended up sitting next to this girl who ended up inviting me to her grandparents house. Guess what it was my new beauticians home. My mom let me go, I put on some of her clothes to play in and it was on. Well "niece" stayed with her grandmother, who had two daughters (who were a year older than me) cause "niece" was a year younger than me, and a son who was a couple of years older than me. Well when I got to there house, I thought they were rich, why because they had a Nintendo and a Sega and I didn't have either, plus they had all these games. Well they were playing between to the and cracking jokes and I am just sitting there in amazement. Well the twins' family take me in, I mean I went on family vacations, was at there house like "ALL THE TIME" now they would great jokes, buss raps on one another. But I tried my hardest not to get caught up cause. I know me, I am that person that gets mad and wants to fight. When I come back I am coming back to SHUT YOU DOWN!!! I am going for a main artery, no superficial wounds here. I want a one hit quitter.

So the reason I don't play the dozens is cause i can't "play" saying "mean" things to people, cause when i say them I mean them and it ain't know coming back. I am "hard core" at least in my mind I am.

I say all that to come back to my something (2) people have brought to my attention. It has to do with my inability to communicate with people. I don't think people are really ready to hear how I feel and I don't think I am really ready to share it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I don't want to be down right mean to anyone. For example: Aaron- Well I heard from him. Saturday before I went to market, I sat down at my computer and he Im'd me apologizing, I told him that his apology was accepted and that I was mad. Which was true. I wasn't, I was disappoint, hurt and annoyed, but Mad I wasn't. But I didn't say any of those things. I just toyed with it in my head and "deleted" him from my IM list. I was sitting at my computer yesterday at work and was getting ready to head home and up pops him. saying something to the effect that I must be acting funny cause I haven't spoken to him. Honestly, I didn't know he was online and I didn't really have anything to say. Now my response was "what are you talking about" but in my mind I wanted to say:
Just because I have accepted your apology doesn't mean that everything is going back to how it was before you stood me up. Now I am not mad about you "standing me up" because I understand things come up and when family's involved you have a tendency to loose track of time and responsibilities. I am sorry to here that your nephew was in and out of the hospital while you were here and I am not mad that I didn't get to see you while you were in town. However, I think it is fucking cowardly and bullshit that it took you 1 whole fucking week to initiate any form of communication with me regarding the change in plans, ie "you standing me up". I mean a text, email, phone call, hell something shit anything would have been better than 7 whole days wondering what the fuck just happened. Now as to me not speaking to you online, it wasn't acting funny I just didn't realize you were online, because I thought about it and decided to stand by my initial position in deleting your inconsiderate ass. At this point I have nothing to say to you but "Best of Luck". I have now room for people in my life that are to busy to be considerate. If you would have been fortunate to really get to know me you would know I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE ME WORRY, that is part of the reason my father and I don't talk now, inconsiderate is on my list of things not to do if you want to be my friend and see what can develop naturally from that.....inconsiderate is the pesticide to my garden,it kills everything. But with all that being said I hope you enjoyed your trip home and everyone else was doing fine, that you got to see your God son and he and family are doing fine. I have no desire to be your enemy, however I think we may need to return to our status prior to us reconnecting.
Now you can't just type something like that and expect no type of response and if I got no type of response I would be pissed, yes its a double edge sword no winning.

As I think back over my relationships I can't think of getting into arguments with any of them. Cause usually I just walk away, because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings or say something that would burn a bridge---i just suck it up and move alone.

I am planning on going to church today. I really need to go since I didn't go Sunday.

I will do a second post, yes a Double Header, cause S23 has been truly motivating. so on to the second post.