Wow!!!

Its been almost a week since I last posted something. Not really has happened since I've last written. I will say I have eaten breakfast with my dad a couple of mornings, though I'm not a morning person and we don't really talk as much, I do enjoy it. Lets see I not really sure what I want to talk about. I am at work early (8 am.) suppose to be here for 9 but court doesn't start until 10 so I am so early, how productive will i be, time will only tell.

I am not really sure what I want to talk about today, nothing really has crossed my mind. What does everyone have planned for the holiday. Me nothing really, lately I have been so tired and haven't really wanted to do anything but sleep and eat and speaking of which I got on the scale last night and it said I weigh 200 lbs. (I am only publishing this so that I will be motivated to to do something about it) I am not sure why i am so surprise all I do is eat and sleep and hardly ever go work out and besides last Thanksgiving I was at 200 lbs. I must do something about this cause I want to bring sexy back for 30 and I have 9 months to get it together. My goal is to lose about 40-50 lbs. When I graduated from high school I was 150 so if I can get around that weight I will be so excited and if its true that every 10lbs is one dress size that's like 4-5 dress sizes (which would put me in a 10 or 8). You all do know if I get down to a size 10 or 8 for my 30th birthday you want be able to tell me a damn thing.

My plan:

Go to the gym 3-5 a week

Get on a schedule, which would only 8 hours of sleep, going to bed at the same time--10:30 and getting up at the same time (6:30 a.m)

Not eating after 8:30, eating less (cookies, ice cream, etc.)

Not eating out as much, trying to eat more meals at home

I do have a question does anyone know how to loose breast weight?


Other things I need to do:

1.) Purchase a new car (plan to do that next month)
2.) Finish my book that S23 recommended, its in my purse but I never pull it out to read it when I have free time
3.) Apply to my L.LM programs
4.) Get serious about my budget and investments
hold on i have list in my purse lets see what on it
okay that's another blog.....I will get to that later.....

Okay I guess I will work through some files before i go to court.







Thats all I can think of right now,

Pros

I was thinking hell I would know more about him than any random guy that I met at the club, in the mall, at church. Since I represent him I have access to all of his personal information. I know more about him where he lives, where he works, where he has worked, his criminal history or lack there of, if he has gotten any speeding tickets, ever been stopped by the police, if there are any liens on his property, how much money he makes. Hell other than his credit score and blood type (actually I think I have access to that to). what would be so bad......OH I COULD LOSE MY LICENSE THAT WORKED SO HARD FOR!!!

CASE CLOSED!!!!

Staying on the straight and narrow

Okay so yesterday I had the day off and I just didn't feel like blogging, but you all didn't miss anything from this thing I call my life. What did I do on my off day. I got up and took my dad to work and we ate breakfast together. Then I went to the Elementary school where I am doing Jr. Achievement this week, followed by a stop by the office ( you know I couldn't stay away) I stayed about 2 hrs., which is good for me. I then went home ate a bowl of cereal and got in the bed and had a delicious nap. I then got up, cleaned up and went through my closets and drawers and took out things that I can't wear or haven't worn and put them in a stack. Then I went to pick my dad up from work and dropped him off at the house and then I went to the gym. I did abs and cardio (now I haven't been back to class since like June maybe and my last day was boot camp day and guess what we had a mini boot camp when i came back that damn D). So then I came home, ate watched a little TV and bath and got ready for bed. I couldn't not have planned it better.


So today I wake up sore, my stomach, my arms, my back, my legs shit I am sore. But it feels good.

What I really want to talk about is my client that asked (kinda) me to dinner today. Now if want to know where the fine brothers are come to court, some are in orange, yellow and red. Some are in criminal court or domestic court (child support and divorce). Some are the police that come to testify or they work for the sheriff office. I must say I am surrounded by an abundance of fine black men. now I am just talking about the physical, now weather they are sane or not or have many other issues is a different question. Well I am representing this guy for Unauthorized Entry of an Inhabited Dwelling, what did he do he went to his girlfriends house and saw another man there, kicked in the door and got into a fight with the other guy who he says gave him a run for his money. I had been noticing him looking at me but I didn't pay him any mind. Well today I am talking to him about his case and he says "I guess asking you to dinner is out of the question as long as I am a convict." my response was "YES". Now besides it being unethical for me to date any of my clients while I represent him. I pose this question would it be so crazy to date somebody I have represented? Okay I have to go back to court but I will come back with my thoughts.

I guess I will finish fear of the black man Part II

So off to college I go with a boyfriend in tow that is in school in DFW and I in BTR and I see so many men. But I was in love and faithful. Needless to say I broke up with him that October of my first semester. I am glad to report that he is one of my bestest and closest friends today.

Okay the men I met in college. When I first got to college I had a job on campus in the Engineering department. I met this upperclassman who was an Alpha. I was so afraid of him, cause he was older, greek and fertile (he had a son). He didn't make any moves on me initially we just talked and he would give me rides home after work and we just chilled. Oh I forgot to mention I think his baby mamma went to school with us as well. So we talked and were friends my first year in college. He was a true friend. Well let me go back. At the beginning of my second semester my classes got purged because I forgot to return my fee bill stub, I didn't owe anything but I forgot to return it and my classes got purged. Well he was very instrumental helping me get classes and everything straight so we still talked during my 2nd semester mind you I would never go out with him or doing anything other than maybe kiss him. I was so afraid of him. I was like 18 and he had to have been like 23 0r older. Well anyway after I come back after the summer we hung out a little bit but we ended cause i was so afraid of him till it was ridiculous. In college i didn't really date people (i would occupy time and then move on) until I met LeMar. When I first met LeMar I really wasn't all that interested in, I was actually interested in his friend. Come to find out they weren't even friends they were just cool. LeMar wore me down he chased me for about 1 year. He was a year behind me in college and he would call me to see how I was doing, if I was sick he would meet me in front of the Union (unplanned of course) and bring me OJ and walk with me to class. I personally thought this dude was Ultra-Lame. He would bring me plastic flowers and say he wanted them to last forever. WTF!!! If I didn't say it i met him 1st semester of my Sophomore Year. Like I said he wore me down, I really wasn't interested in him, actually found him to be annoying. I was somewhat mean to him and rude as hell. Well the 2nd semester of my Junior year (yeah a whole year later) we started hanging out more and he didn't annoy me as much. Well we were watching a movie in my room before I was getting ready to go out and right before he left he kissed me. When I tell you I got chills and had butterflies in my chest. It was the weirdest thing I had ever experienced. Well after that we started dating and later he became my boyfriend. It was wonderful. We never argued we never fought. It was pretty much whatever I wanted. We dated through the summer. During the summer he would come over and sleep with me and nothing would happen. He would just hold me and we would sleep. Well one weekend my roommates and I had a party, why who knows. back then you didn't need a reason. So the week before we wiped up some tonic and let it sit (fermate) in the refrigerator for about a week. we had our party. Now LeMar didn't drink and I drank like a fish. So he came over and just stayed in my room the whole nite work on stuff (school work---what a dork LOL) we had jello shots and all. My friends thought this was a little weird for him to stay in my room the whole night, while me and his friends/roommates my friends/roommates partied. Well I figured since he didn't drink he didn't want to be around drunk. Well that night I was face numbing drunk and I am not sure what happened once i passed out, all I remember was coming to and he was on top of me and I was freaking out. I didn't know who/why this man was laying on top of me and then I passed out again. I woke up the next morning and he was gone. I called him and was like whats going on with you. He was like you freaked me out last night. I was like what are you talking about. He wouldn't tell me and that's when we had the talk. We decided that it would be best if we waited before having sex and that we should get to know each other a lot better. I was cool with that cause by this time I was on year 3 of celibacy so i wasn't missing anything. So we continued to date and he would stay with me I stay with him sometimes. I partied hard and he remained a home body. He got alone with my roommates for the most part, though he would annoy the shit out of Takia and I wold tell him to leave her alone. Well you know how people say hindsight is 20/20 I understand. One night after partying with my friends, actually it was homecoming and my friends from NOLA came down. Now we had talked about this I told him they were coming and that i was gonna stay with him and let my friend have my room, that I would come over after we got in that it may be late. Now we get in and i have been drinking (hell what else is new) and I call him and he answers the phone in half sleep. I am like open your door I am on my way over. He is like NO....WTF (I only use this word in this relationship) I am like what are you talking about. He was like I have a friend over and I am like and you have three roommates plus the nigga that sleeps on the couch sometimes stop playing. He was like they are in my bed. I am thinking wake the nigga up shit, its late stop playing. I was like I tell you what I am about to hope in the shower and change clothes when i get dressed I am coming over. Was like okay I am gonna take them home and call you when I get back. I am like cool do what you got to do, if I bet you to your place i will probably be sleep. love ya bye. So no problems. So I get there and pass out. I didn't think anything odd about it at all. So about a couple of months later I went out again and got shit face drunk and called him when I got in and he was like i am gonna stay here tonight I was like okay I am coming over. Well after I should my natural black (drunk) ass he gave me my way. Not really sure why we had to go through all of that cause he always gave me my way. Now let me tell you about LeMar. He was a year behind me but I was 4 months older than him. He was a religious studies/ philosophy major. He wanted to move to St. Louis and get his master and become a minister. The thought of being a minister's wife was funny as hell to me and all of my friends. I met him mother, father and younger brother would go and eat with the family, go to church with him and the whole 9. He even acknowledge that i would be his worse parishioners, I told him I wasn't going to go to his church he was AME and I was Baptist so he didn't have to worry about "leading" me and he was like see what i mean. Well anyway there use to be this lil girl who would always be at his house. Now mind you there were always people at his house. He voluntarily told me that this young lady was there for his roommate, who had a girlfriend. I felt sorry for the lil girl cause when the girlfriend finds out she was going to loss her mind. The lil girl was so nice to me, she would ask me what party's i was going to, speak to me all the time when i saw her (i was like she ain't got to kiss my ass she is cool with me, I wasn't sure if she was kissing my ass cause she wanted to be a Delta or because she thought I knew her secret) either way cut that shit out. And she had a cousin who went to school with us and we were cool as hell. So i just thought this shit was wild. Well the semester was coming to an end and i was going home. Well we got in our first tiff, it was nothing major but it was strange. before I left we were talking about grades and i asked him about his and he went smooth off. I was like damn (you always do better than me so whats the big deal) all you do is read the bible and talk "shit" I deal with programing and shit you can't compare the two. So we make up and I go home. He was suppose to come visit but he didn't, he told me that he was growing his hair out he wanted to go with the Cornel West look, which I was totally against. and told him if he was gonna come to visit he better tame that shit. Before I get to the end of the relationship I have to tell you so other factoids about LaMar. LaMar actually met my family:my mom, my aunt, my dad, my cousin and my step mom. In addition he celebrated my 21st Bday with me, we talked about marriage and spending the rest of our life together. since he was a year behind me i was going to postpone my graduation date so that we could graduate together. I was looking for grad schools in St. Louis so that after we graduated and moved to St. Louis, yeah I had planned my life with this man....I love this man unlike I had loved anyone I had dated before, I felt he respected me because he had a sex less relationship even when there were times I suggest we change that. WELL all good things must come to an end. Well on Friday night we went out to get something to eat and came back, we picked up smoothing for my roommate and when we got back he started annoying the shit out of my roommate as usual and she went off and kicked him out of the apartment. I personally thought the shit was funny as hell because I had been telling him for the past year to leave her alone but he wouldn't listen to me. So she kicks him out and I tell him I think that he should go and that I would talk to him later. (thinking they need time to cool off) Well the next day he had stuff to do with his brother and so we don't talk. That Sunday I wash my hair and I have all these damn rollers in it when he comes over, he is like I am not staying tonight and I am like whatever, my hair is wet and I ain't coming out like this. Oh let me back up that Saturday afternoon he comes over and we watch a movie, and in the movie there is scene were the guy calls his girlfriend from jail and he is asking all these damn questions and he turns to me and says that's what you would do, I am like no. So Monday morning I get up and go to class and go to work, nothing out of the ordinary. At work I decide that I should cook, now mind you in all the time we had dated I had never cook for him, but i figured after this crazy weekend I would. So I call him to see what was up and no answer. Usually we would both get off work and he would come over and we would watch the news and take a nap. Actually he would watch the news and I would nap. So 5pm comes and goes and then 6pm. Nothing. I start getting random calls from people asking me about LeMar and I am like I haven't talked to him, hell people I didn't like call me. Well so around 6:30 7pm I get a call from LeMar and he is like hey, I was like hey where are you he was like "in jail" I am thinking this nigga is playing so i play along, he proceeds to tell me that he and one of his professors got into and argument and that's why he is in jail, but that he would be home later. I was like okay I will see you then, talk to you later. We hang up. Now I didn't think anything of it cause I was like he got jokes and if he did get into an argument with his professor (who was the acting Dean of Students) it was probably some philosophy debate that got heated. Whatever!!! So I didn't tell anyone and just figured i would see him in the morning. So the next day i got up and went to class like nothing and on my way back from class I pick up a school a paper and on the front page it reads "DEAN OF STUDENTS ATTACKED AT HOME" I am thinking damn Dean had a shitty day, so I am walking and reading says that the dean was coming out of his home and was approached by a young black man impersonating a FBI agent and then the get in to a physical struggle when the young black man pulls a knife and the suspect is LEMAR....WTF!!!! So I am freaking the fuck out....I got to my classes skip work and go home. I get home and have numerous messages and one from the dean telling me that he wants to see me. i am freaking out (now the dean is actually my advisor for Student Government, so we actually know each other). He calls me into his office and tells me that he is concerned about me, he shows me the huge ass scar that goes around his neck that he says Lemar did and he tells me how dangerous my boyfriend is and that I need to pretty much get out of the relationship. I am stunned because he has never displayed any acts of violence. Well I go home for a couple of days to sort things out, cause people are calling me left and right. i come back and try to get back on track with the situation dealt to me and find out this motherfucker was cheating and I go smooth off.....who was he cheating with yes that lil girl that i said was kissing my ass, she didn't care where the party was she just wanted to know if i was gonna be out or not. Well I can't really go into details about my response to this information but lets just say the chick was deathly and i mean DEATHLY afraid of me. Hell her cousin who i was cool with and still was even stopped talking to me. I went on a fucking warpath i almost didn't graduate. and this is were we lift up our hands and thank the LORD for grace and mercy cause if I had gotten what I deserved i would be serving time just like Lemar.
I can only imagine how long this blog is I will do part 3 in another blog.

I am sure I left so much out but I think you get the point.

Just when I was about to go off....

Okay I guess this is as good as time as any to introduce you to LADY RAGE....she is an extension of me and she occasionally graces others with her presence about every four weeks and if she doesn't OH HELL....so needless to say I am hormonal, emotional and just not myself. Lady Rage has entered the building..


okay today was going okay, it started with me getting up early as hell and getting my car to the lube for an oil change. I also had a few errands to run and then i came home and watched a little TV before getting ready for work. I get a strange phone call, a number i didn't recognize thought maybe it was the lube telling me my car was ready. So i answer and i hear a strangely familiar voice say HEY!! so I say Hey back and we make small chat and I am like who is this and he says kwash, I'm like hey what been up. So who is kwash- this guy i meet with my realtor about 2 or 3 years ago, we were all just shooting the shit and making chit chat in the parking lot of Kinkos. Well so we all go our separate ways and one afternoon my realtor calls me in the middle of my nap and says kwash has been asking me about you and he wants me to give you this number to call him. So I do and we talk but its almost like, it was really weird when we talked cause it was almost like he didn't want to talk to me but he was being nice and I was thinking shit i was calling you to be nice cause my realtor said you had been asking about me. Whatever to we go back and forth talking, not talking, playing phone tag and what not. He works at a high school and one Friday night he invites me to a talent show that one of his "clubs" is sponsoring and so i go with my high school aged cousin I sit through this adolescent foolishness and was like okay I am out. NOW, I saw him when first came in, I had to pay FULL PRICE, and he said bye when I left WTF!!!! you invited me to this I have no business at anybodies high school talent show on a Friday nite. I after its over I am like what are you doing, he was like I am going to a birthday party i will catch up with you later.....once again WTF!!! So the next time I called him he was like who is this I was like Oh hell this shit is whack and I am out. So needless to say I had deleted his number from my phone and had no idea who he was when he called. So we make chit chat and he tells me he has taken the day off (from all 16 jobs, okay like 3 or 4) and ask me what I am doing today and around lunch. So he says he will call me around lunch. now something that really bothers me is when I have to tell people stuff over and over and over again. I have told this man on numerous occasions that i don't work for the DA's office, I am not a prosecutor but for some reason he can't get through his thick skull that I am a defense attorney and there is a different. Now this man went to morehouse, has a master from like Hampton and a PhD from some other HBCU and is an Omega. Now if I said he went to like Clark, got his master from Howard and went to Tulane for his PHD and heaven forbid I thought he was a Kappa or Alpha he would be so offended. so damn how hard is it to remember i am a defense attorney hell if its that complicated how about just say i am a lawyer. I told you'll lady rage was back. Well anyway I am in the mist of work and i look up and its 12:20 and I haven't heard from him, uh its lunch time and if you are gonna be a no show at least send a text. so i call him from work and like dude are we doing something for lunch no answer, then i call when i leaving to run errands and he answers and its like he had no idea who i was and was like let me call you back....I HATE PEOPLE WHO WASTE MY TIME AND PEOPLE WHO CANT PLAN WANT PLAN OR ACKNOWLEDGE THEY AREN'T PLANNERS CAUSE I AM.....thank goodness i brought my lunch because i would have been as hot as fish grease if i didn't bring my lunch and thought we were going and we didn't needless to say he has been deleted again (actually i just cleaned out my inbox, outbox and miss calls)

okay well i had to go see my periodontist and pay on my account I was prepared to write out a check and the lady goes let me fix something and change this and talk with your insurance company to see if you we can get a better payment from them so hold off on writing the check and lets see what happens.....OKAY!!!! just when my day was going back


LAST NIGHT: we had our singles ministry class which was in conjunction with the marriage enrichment class. Our assignment was to go see the Tyler Perry why did I get married movie. We talk about the different relationships and the problems in those relationships we talked about for the married why they got married and for the single why i want to be married and or me why i don't want to be married. It was really good and interesting and funny I one day i will do an in depth blog about why i don't want to be married, yeah right after i finish my blog on fear of men I haven't forgotten just haven felt like doing it

okay i guess i will go now

should have just taken my ass to Seattle

While in law school I went to Seattle and interviewed with several "firms" and was offered a job for the State of Washington. More than likely I would have ended up in (50%) Olympia and a (50%) chance I would have been some where else across the state. The decision was so hard I didn't have any other offers at the them but had done much interviewing and was just playing the waiting game. Well I sent my fax to Ms. Natamura declining the opportunity to move to the great state of Washington and work for the State with there Attorney General office. My friends were so mad at me cause now they didn't have a new place to visit and how dare I deny them the chance to see Puget Sound and Jimi Hendrix grave or experience the culture of Seattle (now it wasn't gauranteed I would be in Seattle) i could have been in Port orchard or Bainbridge Island or Yakima and that may have really SUCKED!!!!

Well needless to say everything worked out, so why am I think that I should have gone. Well last night I did something that needed to be done but I really didn't want to nor/or was I truly ready to do.

I think I have talked about Mr. Phuck around to Phuck around (PAPA). Well I have been distancing myself, not calling him when I want to or everytime I think about him. well last night he text me and was like "what are you doing" my response was "why?" he says "I wanted to see you" I was like "you coming to (import my city)". NO response.....So I call him and was like whats going on, he said he was trying to find something to do and wanted to see me but he need to take this call, but he might be my way if so he will call me. So I get off the phone and go to sleep only to be awaken my a phone call of no substance and can't go back to sleep. I began to think hell I could go see him (then I thought WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT). Well one of the reasons I have been distancing myself is because I came to the realization that "HE JUST ISN'T THAT IN TO ME" so I need to move on. Well anyway I text him about "what did you decide to do" he responds "stay at home" so I call him and we talk. The first thing he says is that I have missed you, I wanted to be around you. does this motherfucker have timing or what. Now you all have somewhat read about my week. and I usually call him and he knows just what to say to make me feel all better, but like I said I have been distancing myself. So we talk a real talk (of course not what i signed up for when i called i really just wanted to hear his voice and hell after hearing it and him saying he missed me and wanted to be around me I could have hung up and and been satisfied but no I am greedy). Well anyway we have one of our real convos and I tell him that I think this will be the last time we talk and he was like I wish we could have had this in person. I'm like I'm glad we didn't.....So why is was this our last convo.
I am a a selfish controlling guarded bitch who isn't open to changing or compromising. However I met this man who I want, like really really want and would be willing to change (okay modify) and he isn't all that in to me. I think he likes me, he likes being around me but he just isn't willing to give me what I want. His response is that I can't handle what I want, I am afraid of commitment, and that I would get scared freeze up and bail out. Now I must admit this would be my normal mode of operation but with him I don't think it would, I can't promise but I feel differently about him. I (how fuckin appropriate Quincy Jones Everything Must Change just came on). This guy is everything I want in a man....he is funny, smart, real, says all the right things, he challenges me, makes me think, however its done in a way that makes me want to be a better person, be the person he sees. I can say being around him is like being on another planet. I don't worry about a thing, its about him being in control and making the decisions, the weight of the world that i carry daily is checked in when i cross his threshold. SO I WOULD BE EASY TO JUST COMPLETELY LET GO however I will not do it for someone who just isn't that in to me and want give me what I want. Call me a baby but yes I am packing up my shit and leaving. I am at a different point in my life where I want to be the center of attention, the #1 person and in order to move forward I can't continue to make the same decisions I once did, hoping that I will eventually get what I want. He has made it clear I can't have what I want NOW so I have to leave the situation. END OF STORY

So it back to my original position on men and relationship.
WHAT EVER I NEED FROM A MAN I CAN BUY, BORROW OR DO MYSELF. no I am not bitter, I am just real. Some people will have the husband, 2.5 kids etc. etc. I on the other hand probably want, so I need to worry and take care of me. A man is not a plan. I believe there are some great available men out there, however I will not waste my time looking, searching or pondering over there existence in my life. I say again there are some wonderful men out there I have met them, however I just am not compatible with them so I take my hat out of the ring and let the other women have at it.

So what am I doing......Serenity suggested I read the Millionaire next door. So I have purchased the book and have been reading. So I figure i will build wealth and when I die a rich ole bitch i can leave my wealth and riches to my pet cat Bubbles (note I don't have a cat, animals make me sneeze so this is a joke.)
But I can invest in other future, but first i must build my wealth. so off to building wealth (first step keep my job and be prepared for this Aggravated Battery trial I have on Monday.)