The down side of Government Employment

Let me first say, I am truly thankful for my job. I enjoy what I do and the people I work with (for the most part).

So I am sitting at my desk planning my escape. Now there are some ups and downs of government employment, today would be the now...WHY IN THE HELL AM I AT WORK ON CHRISTMAS EVE...what productivity do they think is gonna happen today. So far i got to work late, paid my bills (cause they deposited my check early), feed my face, sign some affidavits and help one person with a ticket, ugh yeah and I have done that in like an hour. I mean I could actually do some more work, but WHY...its Christmas Eve and I am trying to get to my mama. (did i mention she is coming back with me).

So yesterday I left work supper early (perk of government employment), and went home and washed clothes, had a balanced meal (meatloaf, carrots, green beans and mash potatoes), cleaned my house (swept my floors and porch and stairs), washed the locks (now I have bouncing curls, we will see how long that lasts), packed and talked to my family on the phone. O I just thought about something I need to do. return some movies (I may not because they are in my car and if i go to my car i am leaving). So I just renewed them and i will return them when i get back. (yeah i know that's lazy).

What else as i was paying bills and writing checks I realized i am going home with only check I could run home and get some more and pay my rent and maybe even drop of these darn movies, but nope. my low fuel light is on and it says i can go like 43 more miles that's more than enough to get across the bridge and get some gas. Mind you I could walk to my house, but I ain't. I think i am going to go look at my boss and be like "do you need me"?

Other than that I am kinda excited about going home and being with my peeps. so i will talk to you all later....going to see if i can give my boss the look and see if he will send me home.


God Bless...Merry Christmas!!!!!

Christmas revisited.

I really want to be consistent about my blogging but its just so hard. I have started teaching a new class but we have a 2 week winter break, good in that breaks are always good and bad in that this would have been only the second week and now the class will go into March. Today was a pretty good day. Guess what, my "lil girl" (my mother) is going to come and visit me. I know that sounds crazy but my mother doesn't travel. I think in college she only came when it was time to pick me up or time to drop me off. She did surprise me once when I was getting an award (another surprise) in college. She and my boyfriend at the time concocted this little scheme. Well the plan is for me to go home on Christmas Eve, I am going to take Monday and Tuesday off (half a day) that my payback for coming to work in the snow and she is gonna stay, Tuesday Wednesday and go to my progressive New Year's Eve party and to church with me, then Thursday who knows what we will do and Friday I have to work and then I am taking her back home. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I have been here since March and she has yet to visit me.

So back to Christmas. Aretha blogged about some of her Christmas memories. I have several but the 2 that stick out the most are one when I was little and my parents were still together, my grandparents (dad's parents) came over and brought me my first toy box it was red and white I remember piling that thing full of toys. I remember my aunts being, it was so good. My other memory was while I was in college. My mother had one of her employee staying with us that night because she and her son were going to Church with us. I remember she joined church and I stood up front with her. We then went to my play aunts house and open gifts and my mother even had gifts for the girl and her son. I just remember feeling so complete that Christmas, don't really remember what I got, but I just remember filling whole, like I had everything in the world, like if I had died then I would die happy. I think that is why I don't like Christmas, in addition to my mother is a bit overwhelming. I have never had the feeling since....maybe that's what I am in search for a feeling of completeness.

What else is going on. Its cold here and I don't like it, give me 80 degree weather little or no humidity (one can dream its the south humidity year round) and I am a happy camper. Why can't I wear shorts for Christmas (maybe cause I don't own any that should be worn outside the house). Its suppose to warm up to 65 tomorrow.

I am suppose to back a sour cream pound cake for one of the guys on the media ministry, I hope I don' t forget. Have I told you all that I joined the media ministry. The hot guy with the dreads, his schedule has changed so he has to work on Sunday and I haven't been making it consistently to church in the A.M.

Do you know last Friday I got to work at 8:15 and my body wasn't right all weekend. Speaking of the weekend, I went Christmas shopping. I was suppose buy my mother's gifts, and 4 others. I gave myself a talking to (this is all your fault, you know when Christmas is, it never changes 12/25 all the time, so no attitude just go and do your shopping). I was very productive I got my mother what she wanted plus some more Christmas crap, black angels ornaments, a black Santa cookie jar, i lil black girl Christmas singing and some other stuff. My mother believes in having stuff that look like us in the house and as much as a bitch about it, it makes her happy so that's why I do it. and now that i don't live with I am liberated from Christmas.

I think that is enough for now. sorry i didn't have a focus just some randomnesses from me

Happy Holidays if you don't hear from me before the new year.

M.A.B

There are several people in my life that I call my BFF. There is T-Red, T-Bahn, and M-Ball. I have a friend I refer to as my Road Dawg and then there is my partner in crime-PNC. I have a few other people that I share certain aspects of my life and then there others that are around me that really don't know me. So who knows me the most....that would be M-Ball.
I met M-Ball my senior year in high school in Washington, D.C., we both were participating in Close-Up and we have been friends ever since. We have be through some STUFF. When we met back in 96' I feel in love with him and he the same. I just remember how he spoiled me with attention the week we were in D.C. together. I was so not urban then and he supplied the urban flavor I lacked. He was so 'cultured' he was the first black man I knew that golfed, his dad taught him how and he mother was an African-American history teacher in high school. Well we continued to converse him being (south) Texas and me being in (central) Arkansas. We grew to know one another talking damn near everyday on the phone. The summer after graduation he told his mom for his birthday that he wanted to fly me out to visit him before we both went off to school, he was to school in (north) Texas and I was going to school in (south) Louisiana. So at 17 my mom let me fly off to spend some time with my male friend and his family. It was so weird, it was my first step in my mother showing HOW MUCH she trusted me and my first step into adulthood. I must say that his family was smitten by me and I was smitten by them as well. His dad, his mom, his sister, his little brother, aunts and cousins, they were ALL GREAT!!! I would visit him once again, this time in (north) Texas before I went to college. We were a couple and we loved each other, now how this long distance relationship was gonna work we had no ideal. Well we did school and one day in October I called him and told him I can't do it. I was sure how i was going to miss this good thing up with all the temptations that surrounded me and I didn't want to hurt him that way. So we broke up and he was hurt and didn't want to talk to me. I told him he had X amount of time to get over the hurt but damnit he was going to be my friend. Well he did get over it and we became friends. Next moth it will be 13 years that we have known each other. In those 13 years our friendship has remained pure and intact. When ever i am in a funk i can call him and he makes me feel better. There are times i can call him and not tell him anything is wrong and he knows. We we dated we talked about being/getting married and even after we broke up we said if at 23 (cause in our minds that was old) we weren't married then we would get married, well at 23 we moved it to 30 and now at thirty i think we have moved it to 40. I love M-Ball with all my heart and I wish I could take aspects of our relationship and impose them into interactions I have with men. M-Ball understands me when i am being crazy, guarded whatever. He knows the why behind most of my actions and the response usually before i give it. It is my yang and I am his yin. He completes me and I complete him.
So why aren't we together you may ask. Since we have broken up we have never been ready for one another. I have so many issues and if you haven't figured it out, one of them is daddy issues. M-Ball reminds me a lot of my father and the just ain't cool. He is very laid back and nonchalant about things, he hardly gets worried or frazzled about anything and I am the polar opposite. We approach the business of life differently. I have always said that if I were to get married I would want to marry someone who could take care of me and handle my business. Not in a gold digger kind of way but in a way in which I would never have to worry or second guess. I know that he would try his damnest to do for me, but if the way in which he handles his life and business in any indication...NO DEAL!!! i would be in a nut house if i turned it all over to him.
Why am i talking about M-Ball today, we spent about 2 hours on the phone last night just talking and he reminded me of a lot of things and that next month would be 13 years of friendship. I can't think of a pair of shoes, jeans, car, shirt anything that I have kept for 13 years. I have friends that I have known longer but I can't say that each year that goes by we have become closer, for the most part our friendship only grows when we are around each other and lately I haven't been making time for my friends.
Lately I have been thinking about marriage/spending the rest of my life with someone/etc. I don't know if i can do it, if I have to patience to let a relationship grow like this one has. I think I would rush it, but to much pressure on it to be something that its not, demand compliance and be overbearing and not forthcoming with my feelings.

on another note Dr. Q has been deleted. I called him on several occasion prior to Thanksgiving to no avail, then the day before Thanksgiving I get a text saying not to think he is avoiding me he is having a personal crisis. I send him a message on Thanksgiving wishing him a happy thanksgiving. I called him the Sunday after Thanksgiving while i was driving back...no response. and yesterday I called him and he said that he would call me right back....I am still waiting on that call. So based on that he has been deleted. You all know I hate feeling neglected and abandoned (yeah another issue I have). So to end this on a positive note, I have just deleted him and if he wants to talk to me he'll have to call me or if he just randomly crosses my mind months from now I may check in on him but for right now....DELETED!!!

Fair vs. Consistent

When I was in Girls' State back in high school, different girls who wanted to be elected for different position ran and were asked a couple of questions. (I was elected President Pro Tem) Who of the questions that always stuck out in my mind was "Is it more important to be fair or consistent". Thank goodness I was never asked this question. I initially thought they were one in the same but has I work in the Court I see that they are not. I truly believe that it is more important to be consistent. Who's surprised by that. I am such a black/white kinda person I don't do gray. I mean either it is or it isn't not a "well kinda". With my job, I ask people do you want to plead guilty or not guilty and they respond can I tell you what happen. That just burns me up, its so non-responsive to my question. So I tell them no, really at this point I don't care what happened I just want to know if you want to plead guilty or not guilty. If you want to tell your side of the story that's what trials are for. I can't make a decision on what you did, I wasn't there. If you want a trail then you would have to plead not guilty to and we will try to get all parties involved so that the judge can decide what happened. So what do you want to do. They usually look at me crazy after I say all that but in my mind its a simple question guilty/not guilty. Either you did it or didn't and if there are some things that need to be heard/said then lets try it.
I hate to hear people say the justice system is flawed. I am not gonna say its perfect but in my mind its the people that make it flawed. When you have judges that are elected, who get large contributions from attorney's its kinda hard to no believe that these judges once elected forget those who have invested in them. Even those individuals that aren't elected are "invested" in as well.
So back to fair vs. consistent. I think its more important to be consistent. Its the exceptions that get people in trouble. If everyone that treated the same regardless of reason than no one can complain that they weren't treated fairly. I remember when I was in college I was Commissioner of Elections for Student Government, which meant I ran all the elections in the spring and fall. This election I had to disqualify a number of people for failure to turn in expense reports. Some turned them in but they weren't on the forms provided, some just didn't turn them in all together. Well before I announced the results of the elections. I made an announcement that all expenditure reports needed to be submit, as per the election code on the forms provided and those who have not need to do so prior to announcing the results, which I would be doing in XX minutes if you need a new form we have some up front. Well some people complied but there were some who didn't and so I disqualified them. I remember one of the person disqualified was a guy who later became a "friend". He failed to turn his report in because he was sick and at home sleep from all the medication (over-the-counter) he had taken. I got so much flack for not making and exception for him but in my mind that's where the problems start when you make an exception for one person. He failed to turn his report in prior to the announcing of the results, just like those who decided they were going to make there own forms and submit them as a ticket, they all were disqualified. At first blush it may seem unfair or harsh, but it was consistent and no one can say I was showing favoritism or making exceptions for one and not the other.
And to this day I loose respect for those who aren't not consistent and who make decisions based on emotion and there perception of fairness. WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHATS FAIR?

I am sure you have already guessed that I must have had another shitty day at work.

Am I a bad person because I don't like Christmas?

Me and Christmas...I don't know what it is about Christmas. Actually I take that back its a couple of things about Christmas. The first is my mother. She LOVES Christmas. Have you ever been around someone who loves something so much it becomes a couple turn off. Well that's one thing that makes he "ewh" about Christmas. She inundated me with everything Christmas from the day after Thanksgiving when I have to pull the tree(s) yes that is plural she has 3 Christmas trees to some day in January after we have done the after Christmas shopping for the next year.

PSA---sorry I am at work and I got interrupted with some bullshit.....Okay I get a call from a victim saying she wants to tell me what really happened. I pull the files (all 4 of them) and they are yellow which tells me they are domestic abuse battery. I look at the one from Christmas last year I look in the file and its not a domestic abuse battery its actually a battery on a police officer and 4 counts of resisting. So in actuality this mother fucker has only 3 domestic abuse battery. the silly hoe calls to tell me none of this happens...now this is the same bitch that told me in court it was a misunderstanding...how in the hell do you misunderstand getting choked, hit with a box and hit in the face to where you face is bruised? Well I go to my boss to tell him that I want to handle these and that he this jackass needs to got to jail. He's, I have been looking for these, XYZ attorney handles these and he has 2 files in district court that were just reduced to disturbing the peace and we are gonna probably work something out on these, I am like he needs to plead guilty to the one where he choked her, battery on the police officer and maybe the other one where he hit her in her face. You know with this mother fucker says...he'll get revoked if he does that...when in the hell did we start caring if people go to jail. If they commit a crime isn't that where they are suppose to be? I am to through...don't tell me that domestic abuse is something our office takes serious when you have a defendant that with 3 domestic abuse charges and 2 in district court and a battery on a police officer...this is bullshit.

I will have to tell you all about Christmas later....I am to mad.

My mind is running a mile a minute

I am come to a realization, the reason I don't blog is because when I have something to say my mind is racing so that by the time I sit down to type it all out I am exhausted. But I will try and catch you all up on the ongoing. I will work back.

Right now I am sitting in my bed after taking a 3-4 hour nap, why you may ask. I am not sick, not medically anyway. I am sick of my job. Not really my job, just my work environment. So let me tell you what happened TODAY! Okay first of all I was late for work but that really didn't matter. Why because the "judge" didn't take the bench until 9:30ish. Well first of all I get to court about 10 mins late (9:10) the other attorney I work with was getting on the elevator as I was getting off. He was like the judge isn't on the bench yet. So I go into court to see if there is anything I can do, there isn't. So I remember that I need to fill out my time sheet since I took a day off. I go to our office manager and start filling the paper work out, as I am doing it people are all running to the window to see this 18-wheeler that has partially flipped over, and is being held up by a tree branch. Now here comes my first aggravation. Well one of the cars that was in potential of being crushed was this girl who works in the Clerk of Court's office. I first aggravation is that she shouldn't be parked there in the first place and she doesn't get tickets when her meter runs out WHY because her dad is a police officer. Now I wouldn't dare park at one of these meters, even though I can dismiss my own tickets (not that I would). How does this girl have all these breaks to go pay the meter every 2 hours and has never gotten a ticket. That's just not right to me. I am sure you are thinking why do I care, I don't know. Part of the reason is that I don't really care for her and I think the other reason its so hypocritical. When enforce traffic violations and this girl is getting over because right in front of the court house. I second aggravation came when I got in court. We were going through the docket and I will admit I am probably one of the "harder" prosecutors, which is why most defense attorney's don't want to discuss cases with me. My position is let's try it, fuck all this talking and back and forth, lets just try the damn thing. Hell, I wasn't there, you weren't there we don't know what happened, so that's why the judge gets paid the big bucks let them figure it out. Well that never really works because you have so many attorney's that don't try cases. Why, because it doesn't make money. Then the public defenders I work with are just plum ridiculous. I have this older gentleman that is so damn annoying who wants to try everything, then the rest of the staff is trying to get out of there. So as for today I have several cases (okay I normally don't talk law but today I am). In my court we have 1 year to prosecute cases once we have "file a bill of information" and we have 2 years to institute prosecution (which means "file a bill of information"). Now when a bench warrant is issued (usually because they have failed to come to court) the time stops and we get a year from the day the bench warrant is recalled. The same happens when the defendant asks for a continuance. However, when the court continues a case or when the city continues a case time continues to run. So the first jackass of the day. The jackass has 3 files, a possession of marijuana, domestic abuse battery and a simple battery. The marijuana was from 01' and he had 3 bench warrants, the domestic abuse battery from 02' and he had had 2 bench warrants and the simple battery from 08' not bench warrants. So the defense attorney tells me that on the simple battery (which I have a victim present) and the marijuana he is going to ask for a continuance and as to domestic abuse battery it would be a city continuance because our victim isn't present. So I call the matter up say the city is asking for its second continuance in the domestic violence matter and the defense wants to continue (oh I forgot he had a traffic ticket as well) all of his other matters. So the ad hoc judge says city second continuance denied, I ask that the Court take into consideration that the defendant has had 3 bench warrants. He says that our request is denied and he will grant the defense continuances. I say judge if that is the courts rational that these bench warrants are in fact defense continuances and you are not granting our continuances we would ask that you apply the same rationale to the defense request, he has had 2 bench warrants in that matter and this would be in essence another continuance at there request and as to the other matter we have a witness present and the defendant has a history of not coming to Court we ask that that continuance be denied as well, the city is prepared for trial. Well needless to say the ole bitch ass public defender got mad (he had previously made the statement that he didn't have time for trial cause he had things to do). So he takes all the files (the public defender) and goes and talks with the defendant, I in the meantime try and get my officers and dope together. He comes back and I ask him what is his client going to do, he responds in a bitch ass voice "I know where to find you". Well the matters (possession of marijuana, cause I will have to dismiss the domestic abuse battery because the victim isn't present and the simple battery is being continued) are in a posture for trial. Now I have our investigator and my colleague trying to get the officer to court, he's a no show. Today is his off day and he is no where to be found, so I have to dismiss the case now.
Asshole #2- he decides to represent himself, he has two files of Domestic Abuse battery. 1 from 2006 and the other from 2008. Asshole #2 enters into an agreement with our office and pleads guilty to one and we dismiss the other. Well at some point after pleading guilty he decides this isn't what he wants to do and the judge appoints him an attorney and sets the matter for hearing to determine if the guilty plea should be withdrawn. So we get to court today,no motion has been filed and the asshole says that the reason he wants to withdraw is plea is because he didn't know what he was pleading guilty to (now I already told you he had 2 of the same charges), now just so you know Domestic Abuse Battery is a mandatory 10 days in jail. Now his PD is saying he wasn't properly Boykin (explained his rights) and that our office denied him his right to an attorney because now he says he told our office that he wanted an attorney. Now I explained the time limitations to you. The file that we actually plead to was from 06' which means we have until 08' to prosecute and the one that was dismissed was from 08' however I am not sure if we can prosecute that one as well. So the "judge" initially said he wasn't going to grant it, then he said he was going to pass it then he in the end granted it. Now I was pissed, for many reasons (1) this asshole knew what he was doing, he just didn't want to go to jail; (2) no motion has been filed; (3) we can't prosecute this case (one of them at least) because time has run. Now about the prescription of the case the judge goes on to say that there is no prescription issuers and then ask the PD is there a prescription matter and if there is you will waive it. i was furious. because one you can't make such a BOLD statement, you can't waive prescription that is malpractice at its best, and its just inflammatory. I left work after we finished.
Now I am sure you are say F22 you are taking this to personal and maybe I am. I have come to realized that I can't stand laziness, incompetence, lack of structure, and the list goes on. I took this job for trial experience I hardly get any the bitch ass PD I was telling you about has yet to try a case, the old cantankerous man is the only person that will try is his antagonist ass. I took this job to prosecute defendant accused of crimes not to push Popper, reward them for having multiple files by offer plea deals, beg police offers to come to court, and the list goes on. I need a work environment that is structure with consequences/repercussions, bosses/supervisor who support/mentor/evaluate your performance. I want to be surrounded by competent individuals that push me to be on top of my game. I mean right now I have no shame in coming to work late leaving early or whatever. I just hate all this damn loosey goosey shit. I am gonna end on this note.

you'll know my nerves get bad

okay I have been trying to write for a while but you'll know my nerves get bad...ok i am crazy. Well its Monday and I am fighting a cold. Let me say I am so happy for my BFF she and her family finally joined a church. This pass weekend was pretty interesting. Friday I went to the oyster bar with some friends and had a blast. I then met Dr. Q at this cigar bar. It was okay but it was smoky and I don't like smoke, my hair, my clothes, my car, everything smelled like smoke. It was even more interesting since I don't drink nor smoke. I had a diet coke when I got there he was drinking and then all of a sudden he ordered a coke and smoked his cigar. I told him he could drink it wouldn't bother me. So we talked about absolutely nothing but it was good. Well at some point the smoke started to bother his eyes and I was pretty happy to leave all the smoke. It was cold outside and we hugged and said good nite, I called him to let him know I made it safely per his request. Let me say one thing...I love the way he hugs/holds me, I felt teeny tiny.

So the next day I slept until noon, which is a little later than normal but I didn't think much of it , since I haven't really been sleeping well during the week. Well lover boy (boy toy) can't remember what I called him sent me a text saying "so you aren't returning texts" and I responded "so you aren't returning phone calls" and then about an hour later I called him to see what the hell he was talking about. So he tells me blah blah blah and says he wants to see me and come over i was like "HELL NAW" cause I had shit all over my house dirty dishes it didn't even look like my place, not that he hasn't seen it in a state of emergency before but I didn't feel like entertaining company. SO I told him I would call him back in about an hour and come over and hang out with him. So I go over and we hang out we watch a movie fall asleep and talk and what not. So I come home and clean up and watch a movie and go to bed.

I briefly spoke with Dr. Q. My intention was not to bother him because he was suppose to be working. I briefly shoot him a text to see how its going and this negro is at the mall. WTF????? So I tell him I am disappointed that he isn't being productive and what not. He blows me off and says he plans to spend the rest of the weekend and part of the week before the holidays working on his paper (which he wants to have published) and grade exams, etc.

Well Sunday I wake up to go to church. I am laying there trying to get the energy to get up and realize I ain't gonna make it. I sleep in and at about 9:30 10 I get a call about the Delta's and there program and realize I need to get up and get dressed. The Delta's were having a program/walk for Aids. I go and hear the speaker but I didn't take the test. you'll already know how i feel about being in a database. I have so many issues with taking an Aids test. Now I currently don't engage in high risk activity and I have no reason that I know of that I need to immediately get tested. However, I learned that you can go 20 years without any signs or symptoms. So with that being said I could stand to present a swab, but I will have to do that with my personal physician. I have some questions: how is this going to look on my insurance, what reporting obligations do they have, etc. Well after that I came home and laid down and watched some more (like 3 movies). My throat began to get scratchy, my head felt like it was about to explode, my stomach felt icky. And there it was I was getting sick.

So i went to work and after court came home took a long nap, washed clothes, cooked and here i am waiting for my last load to dry.

Now I am gonna back to Saturday night. I was talking to Dr. Q and a while back he asked me a question "what do I want/what was i looking for" I really didn't know or have an answer. I know part of my response was I want to find someone who can 'handle' me and that I feel comfortable being around but I really don't know. I never got to ask him the same question, so on Saturday while we talked I asked him, he was on his way into Wal-mart (still not being productive) I told him that he didn't have to answer me now that he could answer me later. He was like cool, I will call you back when I get out. So why is it Monday and I still don't know? I am not going to bring it up but if I don't get an answer and one I like I am gonna be so DONE....You'll know my nerves get bad.

Is this a second chance to get it right?

Okay let me say I think boy toy is going to be retired, I will be deleting him from my phone and moving him to my electronic black book. With that I think I may have a new character in my life.
We will call him....Dr. Q, not really original at all. Okay Dr. Q and I met like my freshman year in college, he was taking classes at LSU as well as SU. He worked at LSU and asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Well we talked for a while, I remember him coming to visit me in my dorm and he was so NY undercover, not actually but he had just moved here from Connecticut and he rocked the timbs and what not. He was supper nice but I don't recall why I stopped talking to him, but we did. He says that I blew him off, which is possible but I don't recall. Well over the past years he says he has seen me, while I was in law school and at church. I remember seeing his sister, but I don't recall him introducing us, maybe I do vaguely. His sister is a member of the same Alumnae Sorority I just joined. Well anyway this past Saturday I was advising the undergrads at homecoming tailgate and he walked by me and I said "If you walk past me and don't even speak my feelings will be hurt" and we started talking. We talked off/on at the tailgate, we exchanged numbers again and talked later that night. I am not sure if I am interested in him, but I will say he has been on my mind. The past week, we talked on Saturday for a while on the phone after I left the tailgate, didn't talk to him on Sunday, I wake up Monday morning to a text from him that says "Happy bday quez". WTF??? So I think on this for a minute and thinking didn't we talk about me not being a morning person and why would he send this to ME? So I figured maybe this was a hint and later that day I sent him a text that said "Happy Birthday". And later on that night I called him. Well he didn't answer. So Tuesday comes and I go to court and come back to find I have a missed call from him, I call him back and get no response. Well Tuesday comes and goes and Wednesday I have a pretty shitty day at work, and so I get home I call him to see what is going on, he answers and talks my head off. He tells me he got my call but he was in Mississippi, where he goes to school (he is working on his PhD) and that he leaves there early in the morning to come back for work. I tell him I didn't want anything just to give him hard time about sending me a text for Que's, was this some hint and he says YES!!! Well we talk and I tell him about my shitty day and we talk and we get off the phone. Well this morning I wake up at like some random time in the morning toss and turn in my bed go to the kitchen and her my phone ring, I have a text. I look at my clock and its 4:39 in the a.m. now normally I would be dead to the world but i am up. So I send him a message back saying "how did you know I was up" he responds "I listen and pay attention". I thought that was really weird. So I don't know about this guy. I think he still thinks of me as the sweet little girl from college, I don't know if I am even that person anymore. I mentioned earlier that he talks, this dude talks my head off. But its good cause I don't have to say much but I am not sure if its okay because I listen to people all day.

When being good is bad....

I am come to realized the gooder (yes I said gooder) you are at something the badder things get. What do I mean? Yesterday, I was at work doing my job and what not. I get an email from my boss who got an email from his boss. The email was informing me that I would be handle our new illegal sign enforcement. You know those random signs you see on the street corner, not just the campaign ones but the ones for daycare, nail shops, tree trimmers, etc. Well apparently they are illegal, haven't read the ordinance on it but will as soon as somebody gets it for me. This may sound cool and excited and half me is excited. However, I am tired. Right now I am in court 5 out of 5 days, on Wednesday I am expected to be in the office until 5:00 p.m. answering calls and addressing people who just walk in, on a rotation of Fridays (like every 4th Friday) I am expected to do this as well, in addition I am have to bill (charge people after reading police reports) 100 cases per week, now I am going to be in charge of new enforcement of these signs. I can just hear the assholes calling me now. I am excited that they trust me to give me more responsibility but shit I am tired. Right now we are one full-time attorney short (and rumor has it that it may not be until January, cause they are waiting for this girl---if that is true all i got to say is this bitch better be spectacular when she gets here), one part-time attorney short, and as of next Tuesday 3 support persons short. So needless to say we are stretched. I want even start talking about the characters that are there (not all of them are bad).
So to add to this my supervisor says to me I mention to the boss that your appeals brief was really good. Oh if they put another appeal on my desk you all may see smoke. Now let me say I love being good at what I do, however I want to be compensated and I want everyone else to be held accountable for there work. Now I know that sounds crazy, because i know these same people will bitch about me not being to work timely--consistently. But if my boss laid the law down and said Freespeech22 you need to get to work at XX time I would be on top of it, but until then I will get there when I get there, with my goal being to beat the judge on the bench. So to some it all up I LOVE MY JOB, just hate the bull shit.

Domestic Duty

Well today was pretty productive and not so productive.

I got up this morning around 8 a.m. and took my car to Firestone to have it serviced and my oil changed. Damn near cost me $100 cause they don't do the package that I would always get. I then walked home and washed clothes followed by cleaning my house then going to get my car and going to Wal-mart to pick up my prescription and some other stuff. I then came home and put some crab cakes in the oven and some broccoli in the microwave for dinner. I then took my medication and laid down. I was suppose to go to church but wasn't up for it, then my mother called and another friend. So I am sitting my bed thinking about some things.

Last night I called an ole friend of mines. I am not sure if I ever talked about him on her, cause he is my best kept secret. I met him the summer after my first year in law school. He was everything I could want in someone except he was engaged. I tried my hardest to not get involved with him but I lost that battle. We occupied each others time for that summer, fall and spring. By the time spring came I was head over hells in love with him, and I couldn't stand the thought of being in love with somebodies elses man. I think after a while he took me serious about having to leave him alone. I think that came after I asked him to pick up something I needed for class. Well he came by and brought me what I needed, well we were sitting in my place I in my recliner and he on my sofa. He asked me why I was sitting so far from him and wanted me to come sit next to him. I initially refused but I couldn't tell him no. Well I moved over and he touched me and I just started crying. Yeah so not my mode of operation. I think he was taken back by it and I don't really recall what happened next but I don't recall him staying long. Well after we still talked but he gave me my distance. That summer (after my second year) I went home for the summer and worked and he got married. My last year of law school we still talked but not like before because he was married and I was respecting his marriage as was he. Well I graduated and we maintained contact but nothing serious. He would occasionally try to reminisce about days pass but I wasn't for it. I would come back to Baton Rouge and for some reason never seem to be able to see him while here. He came to Shreveport once and we went out to dinner and it was nice. I thought I was over him and that we could be friends. So we were staying our good byes and then he offers that I come back to his room. I took it as lets hook up but he meant lets continue this conversation no strings. I think the expression on my face said it all cause he quickly clarified what he meant, but I declined and went home. I must say as I was headed home I considered turning around and all those feelings that I thought were gone/controlled whatever came back. Well I had to distance myself from him again we would talk occasionally and one day he got me again. We were on the phone just shooting the shit and he tells me he misses me. I am like DAMN, something I wanted to hear but something I never wanted him to say. Well anyway we maintain our friendship till this day. When I moved back we went out for drinks with one of his former employers and his friend. I didn't drink but we talked that night and somewhat laid our boundaries. He really tries to make me a friend, he has invited me to his daughter birthday party and other stuff. I just don't feel comfortable being in his house, in his daughter or his wife for that matters face. Well I am saying all this to say. Today we talked. He was returning my call from yesterday. He gives me a hard time for all the sleeping I do, he was surprised that I was actually up when he called. I told him that I had gotten up to take my car for an oil change and new windshield wipers. He says he is gonna have to show me how to change my own windshield wipers so I don't have to pay for it, cause its to easy. So we talk about a few other things and we get off the phone. We always gives me shit about not washing my car, so I took my car through a car wash today and had to call him to report that I have washed my car, since it hasn't been washed since September if I had to guess. Well anyway he calls me back tonight while he is driving home and I tell him about how productive I was and I even slightly cooked. He makes the comment, look at you trying to be wifey material. So we start talking about why I haven't join this particular organization that he wants me to join and help "build" back up. In the process of his conversation he starts (what I perceived) fussing at me, and for the first time I felt like I had to put him in his place and correct him. I received it well and we moved on. I am typing all this to say I still love this dude, will I ever be able to shake that feeling. I don't want to do anything to disrespect his marriage and the fact that he has a daughter adds to that feeling. I have always said I will not be one of those women that my dad dealt with. I know how seeing your father in certain lights affects little girls and I don't ever want to contribute to that. I don't want to loose his friendship and I sure as hell can't say anything to him about it. I just want IT to go away and I be able to be platonic friends. UGH!!!

I mentioned that I went to pick up my prescription. I am not sure if I told you all that my last prescription was $45, and I told my doctor this was unacceptable. I couldn't afford to keep this up, but I wanted to stay on the medication until I got my fasting insulin under 10. So she offers me the generic. I am here to report the pharmaceutical company is a racket. Guess how much my prescription is now.....$3.88. I was just as shocked as you. How do people without insurance or on fixed incomes survive. Now mind you when I initially asked the pharmacist says there wasn't a generic. She is in on the racket too.

Oh my I also picked up some Zyrtec-D and do you know those bitches put me in the Federal Government's database. I hate that. I just want to fuckin breath and now I am in the Federal Government's database. I aint making Meth. I hate being in somebodies database. I HATE IT!!! Can't trust the government, I love Obama but you can't trust em'.

I also had another interesting conversation, with Aaron. He made the statement that he is trying to wife me and I told him that I know and that scared the shit out of me. Then he says we do what we want to do for those we want. I personally thought that was non responsive to the conversation we were having. So we talked or better yet he talked. I feel like such a punk when I talk to him, cause I for some reason can't say what I am thinking I usually just sit there and listen and not really say much.

I think I am decided that its easier to be alone than to try and navigate men. I do get lonely and what to share myself with someone but this is to much. I never thought you could have it all, something has to be sacrificed and my sacrificed is love, companionship, all those things that come with being in a relationship. I don't think I am equipped to be someones girlfriend or wife.
I wish I could reboot and get reprogrammed but that's not gonna happen so I am aborting relationships. I am not bitter, thinking there are any great men out there cause that's not true i know some wonderful men, however i they are right for me or aren't available.

I have missed 2 Tuesday and a Sunday of church. I am not sure why I don't want to go. I haven't been able to pray. I kinda don't want to talk to God, and I know why. I know I am not doing what he wants and I am shame. I feel like I have gotten off track. He has blessed me over and forgiven me over and over. But somewhere I fell off the wagon and I am just laying here. I know if I ask for his help he will help me but I want and I don't know why. Maybe its because I am lusting after some woman's husband or ................................

I really need to be sleep...

So I am sitting here doing absolutely nothing and I should be sleep because tomorrow I am off and I really need to be productive, but I have a few things on my mind.

The first thing is the number of things I need to accomplish tomorrow: I have a shit load of laundry to do, then clean up then pack, cause I am doing an overnight in Houston Thursday-Friday for Delta. I need to get my oil changed and my car serviced. I need to go to Wal-mart and pick up some drugs. I need to do some billing for work so I want be behind. Plus I need to rest. I know funny.

Well lets talk about my visit to my doctor. A couple of months ago, like July I went to the Dr. for a check up and just maintenance on the body. My doctor was concerned about my resting insulin level. Well I was placed on medication, told to exercise 30 minutes 3 days a week, reduce my caloric intake to 1500 calories a day. Well I took the medication, changed my eating habits (cooking more, drinking more water, minimizing the fried foods, no "prepared meals"), and well the exercising didn't really make the cut. So I went today for my check up and well I lost 5lbs. my resting insulin level is down about 3 points (Good) so I have been moved to the generic brand of my prescription (cause brand was like $45) and generic is like $10 (so I am told) and I will be on it until February. I think I am going to extend my no alcohol until February and if I do well I will be ready for Mardi Gras drinks in hand. So I am pretty excited, maybe I will exercise (don't hold your breath)

I completed my training and have been asked to be apart of faculty with the University of Phoenix-Axia College. I will be teaching Criminal Procedure for individuals seeking there associate degree. I have already signed up for my "1st Class), it suppose to start 12/15 and go until 3/1/09 with 2 weeks off for the holidays. Hopefully this time I will manage my time a bit better.

And lastly on my mind MEN!!! But before I get to that let me tell a story. I had this advisor in college who had this cat. My advisor did a moderate amount of travel and would have to leave her cat at times, but every time she (my advisor) would return the cat would act all crazy. She went to the vet to find out what was the deal with her cat. The vet told her that when she would leave for and extended (a couple of days) period of time the cat would go into mourning and then when she would show back up the cat would be a bit confused because she (the cat) thought my advisor was dead and now she had to readjust to her being there.
I tell that to say I think I am this cat when it comes to men. I don't do men, I don't date, I am pretty much a loner/homebody. So when there is a man in my life (in whatever capacity) and he goes away (for whatever reason) and then returns I get all crazy. Example- I met this guy (Lover Boy) about a week or two ago, and we saw each other for a couple of days straight, then we both got busy and I haven't seen him since Wednesday (it's Monday) we have talked and texted each other, he has now gone to Atlanta, with him being gone and not ever present I feel like I am getting a little crazy. As you all may remember I told you all I have abandonment issues, so when people are gone for any period of time I kinda freak out. I start getting a little self conscious, thinking did I do some or say something wrong, are they coming back, have they found my replacement before I found there's and the list goes on. LoverBoy has joked (at least I think he is joking) about staying and not coming back. My response in my controlled crazy state was I would understand, I would miss you and then I would get over it. I must say I don't like the thought of that, not becuase I am in love with him or anything. I just hate people leaving. Crazy I know but hey its my blog and i can be crazy if I want. I will say this, at least I know it sounds crazy.

Random thought: is it wrong that I have no desire to be near D.C. for inauguration, that I would rather watch it on TV? Speaking of TV I got my converter coupon, no I don't have cable, we are in a recession and I need to watch my expenses and attempt to save some money.

HOW RUDE!!!

I promise, I am so done!!!! I am not sure if you guys remember me telling you about my college roommate who came to stay with me a few months back well anyway she came back. I am convinced that I am to nice.

So she comes on Friday, no problem, goes to her events on Saturday, no problem, well Sunday came and well this is what happened.

Okay let me go back. My roommate from college (one of them) was coming down for the weekend to celebrate her chapter (AKA) 35 years. So I didn't really expect to see much of her but that was cool. So now to Sunday.

I get go to church for 7:15 and leave her at my house sleep. She says they have some prayer breakfast that day. Well I go and get back from church and she isn't at my house. Cool!! Well I am milling around trying to decide if I am going to take a nap or not. She gets here and lays back down. Cool!!! So I get back in my bed ( wrap my hair, change my clothes, the whole nine). Well the next thing I know I hear her on the phone and then she ask me about directions to my house from some random place. I eventually get on the phone and give the person on the other end directions. I am like what the hell, how she gonna invite somebody to my house and I am in my bed. Well the person get here and she leaves, not big deal. I go on about my evening and get back home around 9 pm and her stuff is still here. So I get ready to head to bed and finally call her to see when she is leaving and she tells me on Monday. What? This is my first hearing of this. I am like oh okay I didn't know that. So Monday comes and I am getting ready for work and she hasn't made a move. So I ask her what time was she headed out cause I needed to figure out how I was going to get my key back and lock up my house. She hesitates, as she thinks about what time she is going to leave. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! So finally after I walk away, get dressed talk with my family on the phone she says NOON. WHAT!!! I mean hello people I am going to work and I will be in court. I am pissed!!! how inconsiderate. If I were staying at someones house until Monday and they had to go to work, I would be rolling out with them when they left. Okay I have to got this rant short because I have to go advise.

Okay so I am back....

Oh my goodness, so much has happened since we last spoke. A hurricane, I finished my class, people have quit at my job, o so much.

Let see right now I am sitting in my house listening to the men on the roof sing Spanish songs and they bang and hammer and staple (sounds like they have a huge staple gun). I have a meeting with undergraduate chapter that I have been recruited to advise. They keep me relevant. It's never a dull moment with them.

After that I guess I will come on and get ready for work and watch my movie. My college roomate is here for the weekend. It has been pretty uneventful, but I will tell you about it.

Okay lets go back to Tuesday of this week, I had a revelation...I think I have lost my MOJO. My life is pretty boring and the ability to charm/flirt/hell garner any attention from a man has pretty much gone to the dogs. So I call my BFF and she is not available then I call my road dawg and she is like WHAT, are you okay, do I have to make a flight down and we have a HO intervention.

Okay let me put a disclaimer on the rest of the conversation...I know its going to be hard not to get the wrong impression by some of these statements, please don't judge or ask questions. My friends and I have a strange way of expressing ourselves and you just have to be there to undersgtand. I will try to help you but I promise it is not as bad as it sounds.

I tell her no I will be okay, I finish grading final exams for my class and get those submitted on Thursday. I was pretty much stressed about getting them in before Halloween cause I didn' t want any delays in my money... PAY ME WHAT YOU OWE ME!!!! Well anyway I finish them Thursday nite and I am so excited. I decide for the supper club/halloween party I was gonna make pumpkin bars. So Friday I go to work and then have lunch with a classmate and afterwards venture to Wal-mart and buy ingredients and supplys for this. Afterwards I slave in the kitchen baking my heart out. I then meet up with my neighbor and we go to the "party". The events that followed I want blog about just know that in the course of the evening, I eat, take a nap, meet a man, witness a fight, get dropped in the middle of the street, witness a car accident, observed crazy white people dancin in nothing but suspenders and boxers to a moving grocery cart that plays music and I don't get home until 8 a.m. What a night?????

Needless to say Saturday was more lazy than normal.

I guess I will stop there for now, I am sure I will have more to type about later.

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programs.

I just wanted to post a PSA for my readers (all 3 of you) LOL!!! Sunday ends the final week of my class, I will spend the next few days finishing up grading hopefully have grades posted by Thursday, October 30, 2008 and hopefully I will have finished the appeal that has been haunting me since the hurricane in September. I plan is to come back with more randomness from my life and get back on track. Thank you for your patience with me, this was my first class and my organization wasn't at its best and with the hurricane I just go completely off track. Less than a week away and I should be back on track.

Stay strong---Be encouraged.

2 months.....

Okay its the 2:26 a.m. and I just wanted to say I am getting back on schedule and plan to be back with a blog. I didn't realize it had been 2 months but it has. I will say part of it was the hurricanes but the other part is pure laziness on my part. I think I need a snack and then I am going back to sleep. I will catch all up on the boring life I lead.

Black Privilege and Love

Okay I woke up this morning with my mind on 2 things. One was black privilege and the other being love. Yeah I know pretty random.

Black Privilege
So yesterday was the last dialogue for the Dialogue on Race program that I am participating in. Actually in like 3 weeks we are getting together for a "dinner dialogue". Well so there is this lady in the dialogue that frustrates me to say the least. Our reading was about solutions in eliminating race, I will say I was optimistic but after yesterday I am not sure if we can ever eliminate racism. Well these are just some of the highlights from the evening. We usually open up with a recap from the prior dialogue and then our facilitator ask us if we have any observations to share. So "ole lady" I will call her starts off with 2 things the first being a clipping out of the newspaper that says something to the effect that we can't have serious discussion on race because everyone isn't honest and the second being a article she read out the Christian magazine regarding balls that are had in Mobile, AL where there is an all white ball and then an all black ball. Okay....So our reading where about steps to eliminate racism. One of the writers suggested that there be listening the part of white Americans that doesn't judge, debate, defend, solve or critique. Well "ole lady" says that she believes that listening has to be on both sides. Not that I disagree with her. However, I tried to convey that if I am sharing a story or struggle with you that I personally have experienced or that black people experience, for you to come back with a story in an effort to share/empathize/relate only devalues what I just said. Translation----you ain't listening to me, and if you ain't listening to me I sure as hell don't want to listen to you any more. So ole lady shared with us about her experience with a black man that came to her church (I think) he was an anti-racism educator, he made the statement to the effect that Black Americans felt oppressed. She told us that she responded with that her father was oppressed by the racism of his father, ie. as a child he was taken to a lynching and that scared him for life, however when she wanted to write the NAACP her father refused to allow her to write to such a communist organization. And I am sure you were as baffled as I by this sharing. I don't completely understand the correlation between the oppression felt by an entire race to the rearing of your father by your grandfather ie. being taken to a lynching and his response to the NAACP as a Communist organization. Just a random thought Wasn't the NAACP established way before the threat of Communism? Well that's not all folks. So we continue to discuss efforts to eliminate racism, I stated that we have seen efforts in legislation to remedy the effects of racism. Well the reading suggested 5 things that or 5 perspectives for dismantling racism. One was that we must start from an historical perspective and not just an individual perspective. With that and I quote "The United States was established as a white society, founded upon the near genocide of one race and the enslavement of another". Is there anyone out there that disagrees with that statement. Well ole lady did, not only did she disagree with the statement she goes on to state that the we should be happy with the 3/5 compromise,what? And my response was why is that, she says because it gave us the Constitution. My response was why would I be happy about a compromise regarding my humanity that yielded us a document that didn't even apply to me. She then says that the Constitution was so forward thinking, ie." all men are created equal" WTF? I had to remind her that it wasn't talking about me. Now don't get me wrong in the context of establishing a democracy or looking for a model for laws and bylaws, yes the Constitution is a great document. However, the context of race relations it was not until recent years (ie. the 60's) did the Constitution start to protect me or even acknowledge my relevance to society. But that's not all, a couple of weeks ago we talked about White privilege. We defined white privilege as a system that confers an invisible package of unearned assets for those of the white race. So ole lady goes on to say she believes that there is black privilege. And somebody asked her what is that, she proceeded to refer to her list. She says that blacks have the privilege of being sensitive and offended, they can talk about white people and not be called racist (ie. white people can't dance). Ugh yeah lets find the correlation the ability to walk into any store in America and buy hair products, skin colored band-aids, skin tone hosiery and make-up versus the ability to say white people can't dance, to be avoided by statements, to have a heighten level of sensitivity. Oh yeah those are the same (please take notice of my sarcasm). and oh yeah this translates into asset that allows me to navigate through society much better. And that was just yesterday. In the reading it suggested the one of the reason that blacks/African-Americans don't participate in such dialogues is that they get frustrated with the lack of "openness" from whites.....GUILTY!!!

So on to Love
As I sit here at 5 am listening to the Commodores sign sweet love.......Lionel *fanning myself*
Okay so I have been thinking that maybe its time to open myself up to love and relationships. Cause you know there once was (still is some days) a time when I believed that all I needed from a man I could buy, borrow or do it myself. Not that I was some bitter black woman, I was just indifferent. I knew that there were some GREAT Men out there, it just so happen that none of them were for me. Well anyway I for some reason woke up thinking about the last time I was in love, it was College 2000 (yeah 8 years ago). I thought about the last time my "love" and I shared an experience where I felt loved, support and confidence. I know sounds crazy but what I want from a significant other is love, support, encouragement and someone to share the good as well as the bad times with. Well my senior year in college I was awarded a the MLK Humanitarian award for my commitment to race relations (ugh I think that was the phrasing), I and another fellow. Well anyway it was somewhat of a big deal. I didn't know I was getting the award. I was on the Union Program Council at the University and I remember everyone asking me was I going and I told them I wasn't sure, because I had enrolled in a night class that ran the same time as the MLK program. In actuality my boyfriend and I had the class together. Well anyway we go to the class. We get out of class early because its the first day. So we are walking back to my apartment and as we come in past the McDonald's I run into my mother. I am so surprised, one because my mother never came to visit me, she would either be there to pick me up or drop me off. She isn't much of a driver, particularly on the high way, she had rented a car and driven to 3.5 hours by herself. Well come to find out my sponsor from UPC had contacted my mother and told her that I was getting this award, my mother in turn had called my boyfriend (how she got his number is still beyond me) and told him and they plotted together to surprise me not only with this award but with my mama being there. I can remember running back to my apartment to change clothes cause I couldn't accept an award from Dick Gregory in my normal class attire (tennis shoes, jeans, t-shirt, baseball cap and ponytail) not with my mama her and the rest of the world (LOL) watching. So I ran home threw on a suit with a scarf (cause that's what was in) applied some heat to the hair, put on some heels and came back to accept my award. With my mama on one side and my love on the other, and my roommate cheering me on I was on top of the world. My boyfriend's minister was there and I introduced my mother to my Student Government sponsors and other people "this my mama" and my boyfriends was there cheering me on telling how proud of me he was. Damn....that was a good moment, I think that's what I actually miss that love and support that your family can't give you, nor your girlfriends....its different not better not less just different. I can think about other special events in my life graduating from law school, passing the bar, my first trial, my first not guilty as a defense attorney, my first job as an attorney, and the list goes on. And I can remember that little empty feeling I had when everyone went home.

so its now 5:32 a.m. I really don't know what to do go back to sleep or get up and clean my house and get ready for work. I have a volunteer project tonight I will be on the local PBS channel answering the phone for there annual telethon, that should be fun. I will tell you about it later.

I must say the song now is Earth, Wind and Fire "would you mind" and now my radio has come on and its Cameo "Word Up!!" I am feeling pretty 80's today, I may break out the neon (LOL)

So I got my results

Ladies and Gentleman I am sad (actually not really) to announce that your girl has metabolic syndrome.
What is that you may ask according to Wikepedia it is "a combination of medical disorders that increase the risk of developing cardiovascular disease and diabetes. It affects a great number of people, and prevalence increases with age"
What are the signs and symptoms well Wikepedia says " insulin resistance; High blood pressure;
Central obesity (also known as visceral, male-pattern or apple-shaped adiposity), overweight with fat deposits mainly around the waist; Decreased HDL cholesterol; Elevated triglycerides"

So what does this mean for the kid, well I have been given medication/prescription that is suppose to assist with my insulin resistance, and possible help me loose weight. I also been placed on a 1800 calorie diet, which along with the medication I will not be starting until the 14th. In addition to that i have to do at least three 30 minutes days of activity and I think with me doing an hour of belly dancing all I have to figure out is the other 30 minutes. I have to go back to check my "progress" in three months, yeah right before Thanksgiving. So we shall see.

So please bare with me if my next several blogs are about this lifestyle change I am going through. Or if for some reason I stop blogging that just means I lost all this weight and some MAN has swept me off my feet cause I am just to damn sexy for my blog......But hey one of my goals was to loose about 60 lbs, to get my BMI down and well what better reason to do than for you health/life.

Today is my last day of Dialogue on Race, I am gonna kinda miss that. But I think I am gonna have a enough to keep me busy coming up. Lets see (pulling out calendar) August is pretty busy start this new lifestyle change, my 30th birthday, I start training for to be a mentor/volunteer in a school. Then there is September, still teaching, start my mentoring, got to Houston for my BFF 30th birthday, go to Dallas for a wedding, go to Port City for my mom's birthday. So I think I will be busy for the next 2 months.

Lets see what else....I think other than that my life is pretty boring. Oh I am suppose to finally go see this Jazz singer that I have wanted to see all summer, my co-worker and I are going out Friday. So maybe that will be something worth blogging about. my other co-worker is having a party on Sunday. I don't think I will go but I did say I will consider it. These are my issues: first of all its an all white party. I think themed parties are lamed especially when it requires me to put for extra effort. Then its a party that is hosted by my co-worker who has invited a bunch of our colleagues, seriously I just ain't feeling'.

i just don't know

Don't Worry Be Happy!!!!

Okay so what is going on ? I am sitting in my bed at 3:30 a.m. thinking what the hell is going on.
I guess I will work my way back. Today was an okay day but I am beginning to think about my job and my salary. I believe I make decent money, yes my friends make more than me but hey I have a job with benefits, with this present state of the economy that is a blessing in itself. I was lying in bed thinking. I think I may be getting bored with my job. I took it for more trial experience, more money (thats relative) more courtroom expereince and something different. I currently feel like I am push paper, entertain judges, answer stupid questions and fight for trials. I mean have you ever heard of the judge trying to leave before the lawyers? I have expressed an interest in learning different things that people do, I know I haven't been there 6 months yet but "come on people", give me something. But I need to be careful what I ask for. I am suppose to start my online teaching this month so I am excited about that.

I have been going to my bellydancing classes and loving it.

(ugh yes, these are just random thoughts induced by insomia)

I have a hair appointment in the morning at 8:30 and then a wedding at 1:00, to be continued.

I went to my General Physician (first visit) and I think I love her. She told me that she believed that I may be pre-diabetic or have Insulin Resistance, which I think is the same thing. I want know for sure until the test come back. But I think I have it. I did some reading on it and the symptons I so have, This maybe a blessing, I said I wanted to lose weight and with this conditions I will have to change my diet and lifestyle, thus loose some weight. Which is what my Dr. said also. I mean I will have to say good bye to some of my favorite foods the first thing that comes to mind Mash potatoes (I heart M.P.) white gravy, brown gravy, it doesn't matter. I will have to cut back on my carbs. Pastas, white bread, cakes and stuff. I am gonna have to do it in moderation plus exercise.

Okay I will be back later with more randomness induced by insomia

So you want a letter......

Ladie and Gentlemen I have an annoucement, I am a sucker, all day every day I am a sucker for love. So Friday I am sitting on the computer and guess who pops up, Aaron. So we are chatting and everything is going well. So he ask why do I keep deleting him, I tell him because I can't decide weather I want to talk to him or not. So then he says call me, I respond ugh can I have your number and then just randomly my phone rings. So we talk and he continues to apologize and tell me how he wanted to see me and blah blah blah. Then he says that I will just come and spend a weekend with you. I am like WHAT!!! Ugh, not sure I want that. So I like what weekend are you coming back and he says some random weekend in September. I am like whats the occassion, he is like ugh nothing. So we talk more and more adnI fall deeper and deeper for the ookie doak. Well so we finally get off the phone and I go to bed. So I am thinking and it comes to me what is going on that weeked, Homecoming and to add to that his fraternity is celebrating its 30th anniversary and there is suppose to be some sort of big reunion planed that weekend. So needless to say I am pissed.

Because this negro just lyed to me unprovoked and unsolicited. I have him an opportunity to say what was up and what does he do LIE. Well anyway I am online today and he is too, I speak and then I am typing and he sends me a message and says what are you typing, I am like how do you know I am typing he says cause it says you are, I say I am but not to you. He is like O, sorry. So then I ask, do you want me to write you a letter (in my mind a simple yes or no question) so he responds thats on you,I am like this is a simply yes/no question and apparently you don't which is fine cause if you had said yes I wouldn't have known what to say. So I get offline to wash my hair.

Well I am sitting hear thinking maybe I should write this letter, but I don't want him to keep my letter I want him to read it and give it back, because I don't want him to have "evidence" against me. so I figure I would write the letter here and then I would somewhat feel better.

Dear Aaron:

I must say I can't remeber the last time I wrote a letter and I sure as hell can remeber the last time I wrote a "note" to a guy. I do have couple of things on my mind. I don't even know where to start so I guess I will start from the begining. I can remeber so vididly the first day I met you and your boys, I can remeber going to teh "block party" in front of Power Hall. I rember feeling so stupid around you guys cause you all just kept coming with the jokes about me being from Arkansas and did I "bang in little rock" and everything. I can't say that I liked you then but I remeber thinking you were nice, but I had a boyfriend and I was in love with him. Well time went on and I remeber we had a class together and you became my study partner and I remeber thinking I am dropping this class and you may need to find a new partner cause as soon as you leave I am dropping this class. I think that night that you came over to work on an ISDS project I remeber thinking you gotta live, cause then I was seeing someone and it wasn't good that you were there, I could forsee myself getting in trouble. Well time passed and we would see each other occassionaly and campus, I remeber thinking you were attractive but that everytime I was around you and your friends I just felt stupid. So I would just speak and keep it moving, never engaging in anything more just a hello and thats it. I later learned that you took it as me acting "uppity" but in reality I was just shy and didn't know what to say to you without feeling stupid. I remeber you were the one that taught me how to pronounce Tchoupitoulas. Well any way school ran it course for me and so I graduated. Thinking I would never see you nor talk to you or ever find out anything else about you. Then one day 8 years later, you request me to be your friend on face book and on Saturday we talk all day and all night. You confess that you had a crush on me while in college but thought that I wouldn't be interested in you. I never tell you that I too had a crush on you but that everytime I saw you it was never a good time. I think you were dating someone when I wasn't and vice versa. Well anyway we talk and laughed and talked and laughed some more and it felt good. we would chat each other through out the day and chat. I guess you've figured out by now that I am a very gaurded person and I don't let people get close to me. I felt myself opening up to you and then I felt myself become indifferetn to you, which isn't a good thing cause the next step after indifference is dismissal. So we planned to have a date. The Sunday after July 4th, as the date got closer my indifference turned into annyoance, and anger. I was pissed that i agreed to this, even though I just wanted to lay/sit around and have some drinks and just talk until I feel asleep. I wanted to find out more about you and what made you tick, figure out how after all these years I could find myself still smitten with you. I even would have loved to listen to some good music, good food and good dranks and just TALK face to face. but then I wanted to call you and cancel and back out because I was scared, what if it went well then what and what if it went bad then what. So I was conflicted on this date we had set. I wanted to cancel but I didn't want to cancel, I was hopping you would change your mind and so I would be the "bad" person for canceling. So when you didn't call, I was worried because you were so adamant that you were not gonna cancel or stand me up, even when I joked with you about standing me up. So I called you and left a message just to make sure everything was okay. Nothing. Not a return phone call, email, text, instant message, post card NOTHING. I think thats what hurt the most that you didn't have the decency to contact me and cancel on me. So a week goes by and I am get nothing and finally you send me a message apologizing and I accept you apology but I wasn't sure if I wanted any thing else to do with you because you hurt me and disappointed me. However, even feeling that way I still wanted to talk to you, be around you, why I have no ideal Iwas still intrigued by you and was still smitten by you. I said that everything happens for a reason, well honestly you standing me up moved me from indifferent back to intrigued. Who is this motherfucker that stood me up? Why did he stand me up? Well so then we talked on Friday and I was once again smitten by you and even flattered by you wanted to spend a random weekend with me. But this is were it gets a little confusing for me.

You said that you stood me up because your nephew was in and out of the hospital. Okay!!
You said the the reason that you didn't contact me was because you didn't have my number programed in my phone and you couldn't/didn't get to sign on to your computer.
My thoughts on this is that you are full of shit. So what you are telling me is that even if you nephew hadn't been in and out of the hospital I would have been stood up any way because you didn't have access to my information. I have a problem with people who make me worry and people who I percieve to be inconsiderate. But I also have a problem with people who don't plan. Why haven't/didn't you program my number into your phone over the weeks that we talked and talked about going out when you came it never crossed you my number was worth programming into you phone. Just with the fact that you didn't think it important to program my number into your phone, did you ever have any intention of callingme when you got here......Iwould have to think NOT!!!

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this moment from our sponsors: My male best friend says that there are types of women that he want ever talk about with me: (1) the ones not worth mentioning; (2) the ones not worth seeing and (3) the ones not worth meeting. Now back to the letter.

So okay you are a bad planner, I have been lumped into one of you not worth catergories. That fine, I can't be mad if you don't want to go out with me just have the fucking decency to tell me. Please don't be a punk bitch about. I am sorry to hear about you nephew but it seems based on what you have said that I was gonna get stood up anyway. and just another observation.....I called you and left you a message. So after that why didn't you have my number. I am begining to think some body is full of shit.

So with all that being said, I will say I still wasn't mad. I didn't want to completely be done with you. I was welling to forgive and move on. I mean after talking to you on Friday I was so smitten. Even though you feel asleep at the end, which I found kinda cute. But then you go and lie.

So I look at my calendar because I knew one weekend I was gonna be in Port City for my mom's birthday. Now I wasn't so smitten with you that I wanted to be held hostage with you for an entire weeked, but I was willing to may be spend some time with you but I wanted to make sure I was gonna be here before I committed and that I didn't have anything going on. As I am looking at my calendar I see that the weekend you mention, and correct me if I'm wrong is Homecoming and not just any homecoming for you its your fraternities 30th anniversary. Now I was feeling pretty played when I reallized this. I mean I asked you what was bringing you to Capitol City on this random (so I thought) weekend in September. what did you say nothing. Nothing? do i have stupid on my forehead? You know I am glad I told you that I wasn't sure I wanted to spend an entire weekend with you. Dude your game is weak, because if it had been me (putting on my ole' player hat) I would have said I am actually am coming for Homecoming/Reunion, but I would love to spend that time with you as well. i sure i would have declined the offer to be among you frat brothers both old and young, but I would have felt kinda special that you wanted me to come with you to the reunion. or hell you could have said I have planned to be at the reunion but i want to spend time with you while I am there. Would you consider making some time for me? but no you go off and volunteer a lie.

So now we have inconsiderate, unorganized and now lier. Damn Aaron why you have to go and lie. Not that i am keeping score but I think this makes the second time that you have hurt/disappointed me. I have my own issues already so now I have to add trust to them when dealing with you. No sir I don't think so I think what ever feelings/emotions I had/have toward you I am gonna have to let them go. I can't allow you to hurt/disappoint me a third time. I mean you have struck out twice and we haven't even come face to face, a date, a hug nothing. Dude we are still in the preliminary phases of this "situation" and you are already fucking up. I would be a fool to continue anything with you. So just call me a fool...cause even after all of this I would like for us to remain aquatiaces. But thats that's just the sucker in me.

As you all probaly know I want ever give him this letter but if I do I will let you know how it goes, but don't hold your breath.

Randomness.....

Is it wrong that I don't have an overwhelming desire to be married or have kids...I mean I want a wedding, actually not a wedding just a reception and as far as kids I just want to be pregnant and nurse, not trying to raise and enroll in school nothing major. Maybe I will just throw myself a big bash and be a surrogate mother. LOL!!

My two cents

Okay so a couple of things are on my mind.
Let’s start with last week. Last Saturday night I couldn’t sleep and hopped on the Internet, I checked my face book account and guess who was on Krush. I don’t know if you all remember Krush but he was the guy in Port City that I had a crush on and come to find out he had a girlfriend/fiancé. Well anyway I spoke just to see how he was doing, and his response was GREAT!!! Half joking/half serious I responded “dude, I need some of whatever you got” he was like “what do you mean” my response was “I am doing good but I need to have whatever you got that can move me to Great” Well any way we chatted for a while and this is what I am learned/already knew about myself.
Even though I say I don’t (and I don’t to some extent) really cares what people think about me. I have heard it all my life that I am different, weird, strange, crazy, and white whatever you name it because I don’t feed into the stereotypes, subscribe to traditional “black” thought or sometimes do things or respond to things differently. For example, even though there are several black people in my belly dancing class, I am taking belly dancing. I told Krush one of the things I had the biggest issue with was I refuse to be defined by what type of car I drive, the name brand suit I were (or don’t wear), the handbag I carry, the way my hair is done or any other stupid superficial bullshit. I hate people knowing what my profession/occupation I would be happy if people thought I was the clerk at the corner store. I mean when people find out you are an attorney they have these expectations that have nothing to do with the law whatsoever. I am me and I do me, whatever that means, there is nothing special about me I am no different than the next chick. I could have just as easily be statistical black women from a single parent home who pretty much had to raise herself. So Krush tells me that I shouldn’t be ashamed/embarrassed that of what I have achieved nor should I surround myself with people who can’t/don’t celebrate these things with me. He goes on to say I need to cut off toxic people. Now if you all haven’t learned anything about me, I am somewhat no confrontational, I don’t like drama and confusion. I would rather maintain a friendship than have to deal with the drama of ending one. So needless to say I have some interesting people I surround myself with. And I know part of the reason is because I have allowed this to happen/go on for so long. I don’t really go to my friends with the things that are truly on my mind/heart. I think the person I would go to the most is El (I think that is what I have called him) but anyway my male best friend.


Earlier this week there has been much controversy about the “New Yorker’s cover of Senator Obama and his wife. I will say I am still confused about my position on the cover. I will say at first blush I thought this was a bunch of bullshit, how dare the New Yorker post such a racist, inaccurate, offensive and irresponsible picture. But then I looked at it more and learned more about the magazine. I learned that this was done as a satire, that they do things like this all the time. So I began to think what was wrong with this: I think for those ignorant people this will only serve as conformation and fuel for their fire about why we can’t trust Obama (as if our past presidents and presidential candidates have me trustworthy). So then I began to think what is right with this, those people who will use this as ammunition against Obama and his candidacy we want and can’t change. So I began to think well if this is satire what satire is. My understanding of satire is that it takes something, usually political in nature, present the extreme representation of whatever the issue is, in this case our understanding of Obama and giving us a exaggerated image of these extreme representation so that me may see the silliness in such. I think this is a great opportunity for some dialogue. I think we have a teachable moment. With Obama potentially being the first black president there have to be some things put on the table. Does America really understand blacks, black women and their indignation with America, Black men and their struggle, who Obama really. So is the Muslim, does he follow Bin Laden, is his wife some Angela Davis type Black Panther Militant, are they proud Americans. Instead of have discussions about these and so many other things we are dismissing this opportunity and leaving the picture to speak for itself. Which in my opinion is the last thing we want to do, I don’t think the New Yorker’s depiction is wrong, maybe inappropriate but that’s what satire is, it’s not to be funny, factual or appropriate. It’s to get people talking. I don’t think all the discussion about Obama and his family needs to be had now, these are things that should have been discussed and nipped in the bud prior to his “nomination”, at this point we should be talking about the recession that we are/are not in, the price of gas, education, environment, and obesity….the issues. But apparently there are people who can’t get pass his name and his “background” so that we can get to the true issues. I mean we didn’t ask Bush about his “relationships” the Bin Laden. Question: Are Obama and McCain ever going to debate?

Addedum to Goals

Just when I thought I had it going on, S23 challenges me with some questions. So I guess I better think more in depth about my goals. I think I should categorize them, which will help me in attaining them.

ON GOING GOALS- which mean that these goals are life long goals that I want to work towards them until my death.
Become truly active in church- right now I go to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday School after church and Bible Study on Tuesday; I want to find my ministry and grow in it.
Travel more
Do better when it comes to offerings at church- I tithes without thought, I can do 10%, but its offerings that get me. How much is enough, I know you are suppose to give from the heart, but how do you budget that?
Investigate and embrace a more holistic lifestyle
Cook more---how about Cook!!!
Exercise more---how about Exercise!!!
Control my weight (lose about 60 lbs. and maintain it)-
I have started making modifications in my eating habits, I take the stairs more at work, I drink more water, I pay more attention to the things I consume. I have set a goal to active start trying to loose weight beginning (1-4-09 and by 12-26-09 I figure I can lose 59 lbs.) I know that sounds crazy but I have a plan. Starting 1-4-09 I will do the master cleanser for 14 days from beginning to end. I will also begin my membership to the Y which will coincide with the cleanser. The last time I did it I didn’t exercise in conjunction and I lost 10 lbs, I have since gained it back but that’s a different story. Once that is completed I will go on a “diet” not your traditional diet, but one that eliminates bad “food” and add good “food” to cover 30 weeks, but I will actually do it for 49 weeks. I will also continue exercise.
Get back into dancing- tap, ballet, modern, jazz and belly- I have began belly dancing classes and want to continue them until the end of the year. I will take advantage of other dance courses in the following years that are offered by the local college and gym I am a member.
Get back into Yoga/Pilate's- part of my work out schedule for the upcoming years will include both classes that are offered at my gym.
Maintain relationship/contact with friends- I said for my 30th birthday I will began a complete phasing out of toxic people and work to maintain relationships with my “true” friends.

Financial- these are economic goals some have time lines while others don’t

Pay my Car off- I purchased my current car (12-2008), I have a low percentage rate but its for 5 years; I plan to pay it off (7-2011) which will be about 2 years and 7 months. (which will be within the 3 years that I wanted to pay it off)
Pay my Student Loans off (ugh… I don’t even know where to start with this one I fell like Sallie Mae will always be a part of my life; I have student loans that total over $70,000. I haven’t sat down to create an “attack plan” for this debt. As of right now I am scheduled to have them paid off by 8/14/2034…yes 2034 so we will sweep this under the rug for a bet longer.)
Pay my mom's house off (early) - I have a plan for that LOL!!! I want to have it paid off by 2014, we purchased it in 2006 and I think she has a 30-year mortgage, I haven’t really investigated because I know my mom she hates to talk finances with me and if I don’t have money to encourage her to open dialogue we are in trouble.
Build/Buy a home- I don’t have a plan for this yet, I know it will be after I pay my mom’s house off and once I get a plan for Sallie Mae. Right I figure I can stay in my current place for at least 5 more years, especially with the price of gas and I only live like less than a mile away and I love my neighborhood.
Give back to my Alma maters- I want to be financially relevant alum, I don’t have to have buildings named after me but a scholarship would be nice. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with this, if I am going to get some friends together and we sponsor this or if I am going to do this on my own. I did say I wanted to name one of my scholarships after my mother because it was because of her sacrifices that I accomplished what I have.
Save about $70,000- This is an ongoing thing. No deadline, but I want to do this before I purchase my first home. Now this isn’t just for my first home: $3,000 is for emergency cash that I can go to the ATM and just pull out whenever for whatever not earmarked for anything; $17,000 for living expenses, say I were to lose my job or get sick and tired and just up and quit this would be for about 6 months of living expenses; and $50,000 for a down payment on my home.
Furnish my place- no time line on this, but before I move into my “purchased” home. I want to accumulate investment pieces so that I want be spending money like crazy trying to furnish my new place, cause if I moved right now I would have jack shit…
PERSONAL PROJECTS…things I just want to do because.
Learn Spanish- I took 2 years of Spanish in college, I just want to learn a second language.
Learn Sign Language- in elementary school I check out a book on sign language and taught myself and some of my friends the alphabets, I just want to be able to sign.
Learn to Golf- I dated a guy who golfed/golf and ever since I met him I have always wanted to learn. I think I am going to check out what the local college is offering such classes.
Become a Massage Therapist- as if my current occupation isn’t enough, I just want to do it I have always wanted to do that since a child. And besides it’s always good to have a hobby you can make money in.
Go to the Kentucky Derby- even though I don’t talk to my dad, I do enjoy watching horse races and would love to go with some friends and live it up.
Learn how to play an instrument- which one I don’t know maybe the flute or guitar or piano.
Get my teaching career started- hopefully this will happen by the end of the year, if Human resources will get a move on it.
Pursue higher education ---L.LM, Masters, Ph.D—did you miss the part where I said I had over $70K in student loan debt, I don’t want to accumulate anymore, so hopefully if this teaching gig gets moving, I can maybe teach somewhere that would pay for me to get my degree(s).
Get organized
Go to the hill (Capitol Hill), I just want to work on the hill

Because I am a planner I can’t have to may things planned at once I think I have some things to take me to through years and as I accomplish things I will add a new thing.

Goals

When I moved back to Port City after graduation I was sitting outside my beauticians shop, waiting for her, of course, I decided to make a list of things. Well yesterday it was interesting to see the things I could scratch off. So here is my revised list:

1. Become truly active in church.

2. Pay my Student Loans off

3. Pay my Car off

4. Travel more

5. Do better when it comes to offerings at church

6. Learn Spanish

7. Learn Sign Language

8. Get back into dancing- tap, ballet, modern, jazz and belly

9. Get back into Yoga/Pilate's

10. Learn to Golf

11. Become a Massage Therapist

12. Investigate and embrace a more holistic lifestyle

13. Control my weight (lose about 60 lbs. and maintain it)

14. Cook more---how about Cook!!!

15. Exercise more---how about Exercise!!!

16. Go to the Kentucky Derby

17. Pay my mom's house off (early)

18. Pursue higher education ---L.LM, Masters, Ph.D

19. Build/Buy a home

20. Get organized

21. Go to the hill (Capitol Hill), I just want to work on the hill

22. Maintain relationship/contact with friends

23. Learn how to play an instrument

24. Give back to my Alma maters

25. Get my teaching career started

26. Save about $70,000

27. Furnish my place

So these are the things I will be working on in the upcoming years

Why I never played the "dozens"

For those that don't know I am an only child. Growing I was the poster kid for "latch key" kids. I spent many days at home by myself with the phone and cable all to myself. I wasn't suppose to have anyone in/at the house. When I got home from school I was suppose to check the mail, call my mom when I got home and do my homework and get ready for the next day. For the most part I didn't really see my mom that much, I would see her in the morning when before school and work (for her) and if I stayed up late enough I would see her when she got home. Now I should be (but I am not ) ashamed to say I sleep (yes as in present tense) with my mom. I don't do it as much now since I am older and we live in separate houses. But growing up I did it like it was the thing to do. At first I did it because we only had one bed (long story), but once I got my own bed I never really wanted to sleep in it. Now if I was mad or something I would sleep in my own bed (as punishment). Well even into my adulthood I would come home from school and hop in my mama bet and go in to a deep comma like state. Well anyway, I say all that to say growing up I had many surrogate families. One in particular were the "twins" home.

The Twins
Now I met the twins through there niece. When we moved to Arkansas my mom found a beautician and as any black women knows. when you move to a knew place its important to find someone who knows where the "kitchen" is and what to do when its nappy. Heat or Chemicals!!! Well anyway my mom found someone who ended up inviting us to church. Well I get there and ended up sitting next to this girl who ended up inviting me to her grandparents house. Guess what it was my new beauticians home. My mom let me go, I put on some of her clothes to play in and it was on. Well "niece" stayed with her grandmother, who had two daughters (who were a year older than me) cause "niece" was a year younger than me, and a son who was a couple of years older than me. Well when I got to there house, I thought they were rich, why because they had a Nintendo and a Sega and I didn't have either, plus they had all these games. Well they were playing between to the and cracking jokes and I am just sitting there in amazement. Well the twins' family take me in, I mean I went on family vacations, was at there house like "ALL THE TIME" now they would great jokes, buss raps on one another. But I tried my hardest not to get caught up cause. I know me, I am that person that gets mad and wants to fight. When I come back I am coming back to SHUT YOU DOWN!!! I am going for a main artery, no superficial wounds here. I want a one hit quitter.

So the reason I don't play the dozens is cause i can't "play" saying "mean" things to people, cause when i say them I mean them and it ain't know coming back. I am "hard core" at least in my mind I am.

I say all that to come back to my something (2) people have brought to my attention. It has to do with my inability to communicate with people. I don't think people are really ready to hear how I feel and I don't think I am really ready to share it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I don't want to be down right mean to anyone. For example: Aaron- Well I heard from him. Saturday before I went to market, I sat down at my computer and he Im'd me apologizing, I told him that his apology was accepted and that I was mad. Which was true. I wasn't, I was disappoint, hurt and annoyed, but Mad I wasn't. But I didn't say any of those things. I just toyed with it in my head and "deleted" him from my IM list. I was sitting at my computer yesterday at work and was getting ready to head home and up pops him. saying something to the effect that I must be acting funny cause I haven't spoken to him. Honestly, I didn't know he was online and I didn't really have anything to say. Now my response was "what are you talking about" but in my mind I wanted to say:
Just because I have accepted your apology doesn't mean that everything is going back to how it was before you stood me up. Now I am not mad about you "standing me up" because I understand things come up and when family's involved you have a tendency to loose track of time and responsibilities. I am sorry to here that your nephew was in and out of the hospital while you were here and I am not mad that I didn't get to see you while you were in town. However, I think it is fucking cowardly and bullshit that it took you 1 whole fucking week to initiate any form of communication with me regarding the change in plans, ie "you standing me up". I mean a text, email, phone call, hell something shit anything would have been better than 7 whole days wondering what the fuck just happened. Now as to me not speaking to you online, it wasn't acting funny I just didn't realize you were online, because I thought about it and decided to stand by my initial position in deleting your inconsiderate ass. At this point I have nothing to say to you but "Best of Luck". I have now room for people in my life that are to busy to be considerate. If you would have been fortunate to really get to know me you would know I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE ME WORRY, that is part of the reason my father and I don't talk now, inconsiderate is on my list of things not to do if you want to be my friend and see what can develop naturally from that.....inconsiderate is the pesticide to my garden,it kills everything. But with all that being said I hope you enjoyed your trip home and everyone else was doing fine, that you got to see your God son and he and family are doing fine. I have no desire to be your enemy, however I think we may need to return to our status prior to us reconnecting.
Now you can't just type something like that and expect no type of response and if I got no type of response I would be pissed, yes its a double edge sword no winning.

As I think back over my relationships I can't think of getting into arguments with any of them. Cause usually I just walk away, because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings or say something that would burn a bridge---i just suck it up and move alone.

I am planning on going to church today. I really need to go since I didn't go Sunday.

I will do a second post, yes a Double Header, cause S23 has been truly motivating. so on to the second post.