M.A.B

There are several people in my life that I call my BFF. There is T-Red, T-Bahn, and M-Ball. I have a friend I refer to as my Road Dawg and then there is my partner in crime-PNC. I have a few other people that I share certain aspects of my life and then there others that are around me that really don't know me. So who knows me the most....that would be M-Ball.
I met M-Ball my senior year in high school in Washington, D.C., we both were participating in Close-Up and we have been friends ever since. We have be through some STUFF. When we met back in 96' I feel in love with him and he the same. I just remember how he spoiled me with attention the week we were in D.C. together. I was so not urban then and he supplied the urban flavor I lacked. He was so 'cultured' he was the first black man I knew that golfed, his dad taught him how and he mother was an African-American history teacher in high school. Well we continued to converse him being (south) Texas and me being in (central) Arkansas. We grew to know one another talking damn near everyday on the phone. The summer after graduation he told his mom for his birthday that he wanted to fly me out to visit him before we both went off to school, he was to school in (north) Texas and I was going to school in (south) Louisiana. So at 17 my mom let me fly off to spend some time with my male friend and his family. It was so weird, it was my first step in my mother showing HOW MUCH she trusted me and my first step into adulthood. I must say that his family was smitten by me and I was smitten by them as well. His dad, his mom, his sister, his little brother, aunts and cousins, they were ALL GREAT!!! I would visit him once again, this time in (north) Texas before I went to college. We were a couple and we loved each other, now how this long distance relationship was gonna work we had no ideal. Well we did school and one day in October I called him and told him I can't do it. I was sure how i was going to miss this good thing up with all the temptations that surrounded me and I didn't want to hurt him that way. So we broke up and he was hurt and didn't want to talk to me. I told him he had X amount of time to get over the hurt but damnit he was going to be my friend. Well he did get over it and we became friends. Next moth it will be 13 years that we have known each other. In those 13 years our friendship has remained pure and intact. When ever i am in a funk i can call him and he makes me feel better. There are times i can call him and not tell him anything is wrong and he knows. We we dated we talked about being/getting married and even after we broke up we said if at 23 (cause in our minds that was old) we weren't married then we would get married, well at 23 we moved it to 30 and now at thirty i think we have moved it to 40. I love M-Ball with all my heart and I wish I could take aspects of our relationship and impose them into interactions I have with men. M-Ball understands me when i am being crazy, guarded whatever. He knows the why behind most of my actions and the response usually before i give it. It is my yang and I am his yin. He completes me and I complete him.
So why aren't we together you may ask. Since we have broken up we have never been ready for one another. I have so many issues and if you haven't figured it out, one of them is daddy issues. M-Ball reminds me a lot of my father and the just ain't cool. He is very laid back and nonchalant about things, he hardly gets worried or frazzled about anything and I am the polar opposite. We approach the business of life differently. I have always said that if I were to get married I would want to marry someone who could take care of me and handle my business. Not in a gold digger kind of way but in a way in which I would never have to worry or second guess. I know that he would try his damnest to do for me, but if the way in which he handles his life and business in any indication...NO DEAL!!! i would be in a nut house if i turned it all over to him.
Why am i talking about M-Ball today, we spent about 2 hours on the phone last night just talking and he reminded me of a lot of things and that next month would be 13 years of friendship. I can't think of a pair of shoes, jeans, car, shirt anything that I have kept for 13 years. I have friends that I have known longer but I can't say that each year that goes by we have become closer, for the most part our friendship only grows when we are around each other and lately I haven't been making time for my friends.
Lately I have been thinking about marriage/spending the rest of my life with someone/etc. I don't know if i can do it, if I have to patience to let a relationship grow like this one has. I think I would rush it, but to much pressure on it to be something that its not, demand compliance and be overbearing and not forthcoming with my feelings.

on another note Dr. Q has been deleted. I called him on several occasion prior to Thanksgiving to no avail, then the day before Thanksgiving I get a text saying not to think he is avoiding me he is having a personal crisis. I send him a message on Thanksgiving wishing him a happy thanksgiving. I called him the Sunday after Thanksgiving while i was driving back...no response. and yesterday I called him and he said that he would call me right back....I am still waiting on that call. So based on that he has been deleted. You all know I hate feeling neglected and abandoned (yeah another issue I have). So to end this on a positive note, I have just deleted him and if he wants to talk to me he'll have to call me or if he just randomly crosses my mind months from now I may check in on him but for right now....DELETED!!!