I think I have spoken about a friend of mines, Looks good in black brown and earth tones. Well one night we were talking and I was telling him about my Misadventures at the club and this particular character I met. Well the guy was a complete loser, and I was completely bored. So I am going on about this loser with no redeeming characteristics and "...Earth tones" tells me, you know what you deserve whatever you get. It was harsh but true. So I say all that to say when dealing with my friends, and I use that term loosely, the same theory applies. I deserve whatever I get, why cause I know them and nothing they do should surprise me.
Well this weekend is no exception. One of my college roommates came to town for the weekend. Okay back story: The summer after my second year in college I went to summer school. I didn't have a particular roommate assign, so it was pretty much the luck of the draw. Well my draw was some random white chick. I have nothing against white people, but I didn't know this girl from Sam. Well anyway a friend of mines was in summer school too and she didn't have a roommate. So I switched rooms. Well my aunt went up with me and met her and what not. Well before she left she told me its something about her I don't trust. I said okay cause I have known her for a 2 years now she is cool. Well s0 we are roommates. Her normal roommate was the sweetest girl every and she was from the port city, the reason they weren't roommates was because she was in a summer program. I don't really remember when the craziness started but all i know it was alive and well that summer. (1) now anyone who knows me knows I am not really interested in being cold, i just like to be comfortable, now in south Louisiana it gets hot, well it would be like 90 degrees inside and i would come back to the room and the thermostat would be on like 90, now who in the hell wants to come in from hot ass outside to a hot ass dorm room. I mentioned this to her and her was response was i don't like to be cold i am thinking its cooler outside than in the room and i know you're crazy ass ain't gonna sit outside. (2) she would shower at night and get fully dressed (daisy dukes, tank top and all) and go straight to bed. (3) one day she told me to tell everyone that called that she was dead, my response was okay even your mother, she said no don't tell her that, I don't her I need her to make up her mind either she was dead or not, I ain't telling some people you dead and others you're not, I need some consistency, well that didn't make her to happy, so she locked herself in the closet. By this point I thought this shit was just funny. (4) in the middle of summer she would get dressed to go out and but on some damn crush velvet pants (5) so this was the clincher...one Saturday, I come in from studying and she tells me that she is having company over and he is bringing a friend, i am like okay whatever, I will be nice. Now needless to say I have been studying all day, I look a hot mess but i am like whatever i am gonna be a roommate/friend. So I go down the hall for something and come back and she is wrapped in a towel and says they are downstairs will you go meet them, I am about to hop in the shower. I am like okay whatever. So i go downstairs and introduce myself as her roommate and say she just got out of the shower so I am here to entertain you until she gets here. WE laugh and joke, cause they are like what is she doing, I am like hell if i know. I just came back from the lab and she told me we were having company. So we sit downstairs and laugh and talk and get to know. I find out she just met this guy last night at the club, and he doesn't really know her. Well she finally comes down, all dressed to impress, I am think "Ain't this some shit" and so we start cracking jokes about how she's making a grand entrance and stuff and got me out here looking like bo bo the fool. Hair done, make up, daisy dukes, cute shirt, the whole nine. So we sit down stairs and talk well the 2 guys and I laugh and joke and what not, she just sits there and laughs loudly here and there. Well so the night draws to an end and they are like we are have a party at my house you guys want to come, so they give us the number and info and they leave. Well prior to this one of my ls call and ask if I want to go out. I tell her yeah but I have to meet these guys with my roommate and when they leave I will call her so we can go out. So when they mention pool party I am just being polite knowing full well, I ain't getting no swimsuit and I ain't coming to your house. So the guys leave and we go back to our room. So I start getting dressed to out out with my line sisters and she says something what are you wearing, I tell I don't know I am about to call my ls and see where we are going and then decide. She then says you aren't going to the pool party, I almost bust out laughing and say ugh no, those are your friends and you didn't seem to be in to them, why you wanna go. and she says YES!!! I am like fine I will call my LS and tell them to go without me. So I call my LS and she just laughs and says okay. So we go to the pool party. We get there and there are like 2 other chicks there and a couple of dudes. I am like oh we ain't gonna be here long. Well so we sit down and the chicks offer us something to drink. We decline the alcohol. So I started asking questions (to try to break the ice) come to find out one of the girls is the guy's (the one that was for my roommate) sister and the other girl was her best friend. Then they say the went to LSU and pledge AKA, which my roommate was. Now this silly broad. So they are asking her questions about advisors and programs and what not and she is like really cold and borderline rude to them. So I am still trying to ease the tension and chit chat with them. So then another girl comes in and she is my soror I see her she sees me and we just hug and greet and what not. (that's what you suppose to do when you meet a sorror, especially one from your chapter) She is like what are you doing here, I tell her my roommate met this guy and he invited her over and I just came with her. She was like are you drinking I was like know and she is like I AM and proceeds to the blender to whip up something. Well by this time the dude comes in and says ya'll wanna come outside, we are like okay. So we go outside with them and there friends and laugh and joke and what not. Well at some point the girls come out and start talking to my roommate and my soror starts talking to me. So I am headed over to them and my soror stops me and is like you don't want to go over there. Well they leave and she comes back and we hang out "ALL NITE" well afterwards we leave and I am thinking she is so not into this guy, whatever cause I got some digits out of this. So we leave and go to Krispy Kreme and come home. Well the next morning we get up for church and she is really salty with me. We go to church and she is acting a plum fool. So we get back and I am like I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but i don't do crazy and I am moving out TODAY!! I go to the Dorm Director and like I need out this bitch is crazy and I am afraid to sleep in the same room. So they find me a new room and by the time I get back she is on the phone and says here. I am looking at her like who the fuck is this.....It's her mom, she says roommate says you all are having some problems, I say no mama they have been resolved. I am moving out and they have found me a new room. She is like what is going on so I tell her about what her crazy daughter is doing. the tell everyone I'm dead, the turning the room into a hot box and what not. I even tell her about the night before how I canceled my plans to go with her to some random dudes house only to have her embarrass me but being rude, cold and stank. and her mother's response was "she said those girls were very nice to her" I said well when we first got there she was rude and cold to them (mind you in her house) and the girls did everything to make us feel welcome and so i guess they just had enough. I said and she has been acting crazy with me ever since, I said I didn't even want to go I had something planned already. This was her ideal and her ideal to stay all night. and this was when i knew her mother was crazy. "she says well she has been around white people all her life" and she's anaemic. WTF????? I said yes mama. then she says I wish you would rethink moving out, I will talk to her and you all want have anymore problems. So I stayed an we didn't have any other problems.
So fast forward to this weekend. I get a random instant message from her saying I will be in Capitol City, can I stay with you. I am like okay when are you coming. She was like I don't know I will let you know. So I tell her I don't have any thing plan, except Sat. I have a hair appt. at 8:30 and 3+ weeks of clothes to wash and Sunday I have church and belly dancing. So she says she is coming Saturday. I am like cool, i have to work late Friday, that will give me time to get a nap clean up and get some laundry done. Well on Thursday she im's me and says she is coming Friday. I am like ugh okay. She is like is that a problem, I'm like no I just haven't cleaned up and or anything. She was like don't worry about that. So Friday comes and i get off work. i call her around 5:30 to see what time she is coming. So I change clothes grab a snack and my neighbor comes over and invites me to a jazz concert at the university. I tell her that my friend is coming but I don't know why, but if she hasn't called by the time we leave o well... so i hope online to see if i could find out anything about this concert, I don't want to be completely stupid and low and behold its sold out. So I go over and tell her that its sold out and see what she wants to do. I get there and she is talking with another neighbor and is like lets go out to eat. So that what we do. So we drive all over town to find a place to eat only to end up at Copeland's. Well then i get home about 10 pm and she calls and says she is on her way and needs directions. So I give them to her and then she calls me back about 30 mins later and says she got a little distracted and she would be on her way later. I tell her to call me so i can let her in. So i am half sleeping waking up every other hour scared i missed her call, so i finally get up at 5:30 and go on to my hair appt. for 8:30. I don't hear back from her until 11 am damn near 12 hours later.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I think she shut me down....
Okay I told you all that I was starting this 6 week program "Dialogue on Race". Before I get started let me say I have taken part in numerous leadership seminars, several "programs" on race and what not. I think I have a pretty good understanding, I acknowledge that I have a different way of looking at things and can sometimes be closed-minded. With all that being said today I think one of my facilitators shut me down. I can be controversial and antagonistic, but this time I really wasn't. I said I wasn't gonna say anything but I just couldn't hold it. Okay so today the dialogue was about terms we would use in the class. I understand that we must lay a foundation so that we must be on the same page. Because occasionally people use words interchangeably and it can be confusion. So we were to go around the table and introduce ourselves and give our definition on racism. Well my definition was some like fear, misunderstanding, that its a learned behavior, nobody is born a bigot. Well so my first shut down was when I did my introduction I told who I was and a little about me and my definition of racism. So then I say "Why I'm taking this class" and the facilitator says "okay we don't have time for that we have to get to the other people". Okay I know we have a time schedule to keep and I wasn't going to tell my life story, but I found it interesting that we had time for everyone else but not for me. Okay I didn't take it personally. So then we got to discussing definitions.
Racial prejudice- a preconceived judgment or opinion; an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge. Racial prejudice is an irrational attitude or hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics.
Institutions- a society is composed of a great number of institutions. They may be either private or public, but all are interconnected through their common task of helping the society to function. Institutions give expression to the organized activities of a community and serve its various needs.....
Okay so we are given these definitions and then the facilitators says doesn't this sound a lot like individual prejudice? *thinking to myself is she telling us or asking us* so I ask do we have to accept them ? can we use both? she pretty much looks at me like i am stupid and I pretty much think what ever it is your definition and your class. So then we break.
and I began to think. if the formula for racism is Individual Prejudice + Institutional Power= Racism. Ugh that seems flawed, what if the person is the institution? What institution do you know that isn't comprised of individuals who bring there "issues" with them weather its political, racial or personal. I truly believe that this definition is flawed, it almost uses a word to define itself. I mean a institution can't stand on its on, its made up of people. I just couldn't move past it.
SO here's my dilemma, do i go back. I know that definitions are an essential part of this communication/dialogue and I ain't with the definitions.
Racial prejudice- a preconceived judgment or opinion; an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge. Racial prejudice is an irrational attitude or hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics.
Institutions- a society is composed of a great number of institutions. They may be either private or public, but all are interconnected through their common task of helping the society to function. Institutions give expression to the organized activities of a community and serve its various needs.....
Okay so we are given these definitions and then the facilitators says doesn't this sound a lot like individual prejudice? *thinking to myself is she telling us or asking us* so I ask do we have to accept them ? can we use both? she pretty much looks at me like i am stupid and I pretty much think what ever it is your definition and your class. So then we break.
and I began to think. if the formula for racism is Individual Prejudice + Institutional Power= Racism. Ugh that seems flawed, what if the person is the institution? What institution do you know that isn't comprised of individuals who bring there "issues" with them weather its political, racial or personal. I truly believe that this definition is flawed, it almost uses a word to define itself. I mean a institution can't stand on its on, its made up of people. I just couldn't move past it.
SO here's my dilemma, do i go back. I know that definitions are an essential part of this communication/dialogue and I ain't with the definitions.
Okay when I wrote this after my first class. I did go back and the second class was entirely different. It was better. I am glad I went back.
So far...
Okay I think the last time I wrote was Monday and I was telling you about my daily readings. What's been going on since then. Let's see. Monday afternoon I heard from Aaron, he just makes my day. I think I may be smitten but moving towards indifference, which is good. I figured out something, though I like attention, damn near love it, its affection that I really like. Yeah I know that's random and has nothing to do with Aaron, just something to file away. Well anyway we chatted a bit and afterwards I watched a movie, it sucked...I hate black and white movies, i can't think of a movie in black and white that i like. to make it even worse the movie had Geroge Clooney in it. I want my George in color!!!! Well after that i tried to go to bed, but couldn't sleep. talked to my best male friend, not sure if I have given him a name if I haven't I will call Eldrick (El). Well El sends me the funniest shit, the Shaq rap about Kode. I have a strong dislike for Kobe, no I don't know him but his image sucks in my opinion.. KOBE TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTE!!!!
Tuesday was pretty busy for me. I had court and got out early and had lunch with my one of my ole advisers from LSU. We talked and talked and talked and talked next thing I know it was 2 hours later. It felt really good to talk to her, she reminded me of many things and got things stirring in me. At one point of my life I was really active in school, name it i was a part of it. Student Government, Residential Life, Union Programing, Greek Life, Rotaract, I did it all and loved enjoyed every minute of it. I told you guys the story of my ex who I dated in college. Not sure I mentioned he tried to kill the Dean of Students, who I knew personally. Well, lets back up. One lesson that was truly hard to learn for me that I learned in college (should have already but...) not to put your eggs in one basket. Well I did and ended up with nothing. Well anyway the following semester is when all hell broke loose. I pretty much was phasing out or was phased out many of the things I had been involved in the past 3 years of college. I was focusing on graduating and getting my GPA up cause it was in the toilet. Well after my boyfriend tried to kill the Dean, who mind you was one of my advisers and knew we were dating, i went M.I.A, I pretty much went to class, to work and home, didn't really talk to anyone other than "The Crew", my roommates and my BFF (yeah the secret agent). I was trying to get out of college with "all deliberate speed". Well talking to my old advisor made me miss what I use to do, be active. I have slowly been moving toward becoming more active. I work with my sorority and things here and there. Man I will say the sorority is no joke, that want your time your money your all... but its good. So after I came back from my 2 hour lunch, I did a little work, went to pick up my dry cleaning (its bad when you take stuff to the cleaners and forget you owned this stuff), picked up my shoes (cause your girl was walking on nails) and went to the Delta house for 6 pm. I was with the Debutantes.They had a speaker there who talked about health and holistic living. YEP IT PEAKED MY INTEREST. I have been thinking lately about a lifestyle change, nothing drastic but something to get down to my (excuse my language) fucking weight. That's the weight you want to be at and have some one see you naked. cause right now your girl is a little fluffy. She talked about how we consume so many toxic, dairy and high fructose corn syrup. She also talked about 5 exercises that you can do for 5 days and lose 5 lbs in 5 weeks. 1.)lunges; 2.) squats; 3.) push ups; 4.) jump rope/ jumping jacks and 6.) walking. I she also gave an eating plan that is 30 weeks long. Nothing hard just adding things and subtracting things from your diet. I think I may try some different things. Like: drinking an 8 oz. class of water when I first wake up- she said that doing so replenishes your body because your body works its hardest while you are sleep digesting food (which is why it isn't good to eat late) and eating fruit up until noon and then after that eat regular food and then not eating meat and bread together (modification--as much).
Well anyway after she spoke the debs had to plan there culmination program. At some point in this all I was "nominated" to work with the debs next year and plan all of there 'programs', we will see. So I got home about 9pm and passed smooth out.
Today- I briefly chatted with Aaron, but like I said I am moving from smitten to indifferent, but that isn't bad (i don't think). Its probably good we didn't really talk, because i get all googoo gaga after we talk and I need to keep it together ( I WANT BE A SUCKER FOR LOVE). This evening I have my first "dialogue on race" this should be interesting, I will keep you all posted on that I have promised myself that I would listen much and speak little this day. We will see how that goes.
Oh How could i forget. My best friend, the secret agent her son pasted his first float test. I think there was some bribery involved, like BIG TOY FROM WAL-MART, but he passed it none the less. I was so worried not for him but for his mom. I think she would have be sad if he didn't pass. So i think he has 2 (maybe 3) more "test" to go and then he advances. GO STINK LITTLE BOY GO!!! We may have a Anthony Ervin in the making.
Tuesday was pretty busy for me. I had court and got out early and had lunch with my one of my ole advisers from LSU. We talked and talked and talked and talked next thing I know it was 2 hours later. It felt really good to talk to her, she reminded me of many things and got things stirring in me. At one point of my life I was really active in school, name it i was a part of it. Student Government, Residential Life, Union Programing, Greek Life, Rotaract, I did it all and loved enjoyed every minute of it. I told you guys the story of my ex who I dated in college. Not sure I mentioned he tried to kill the Dean of Students, who I knew personally. Well, lets back up. One lesson that was truly hard to learn for me that I learned in college (should have already but...) not to put your eggs in one basket. Well I did and ended up with nothing. Well anyway the following semester is when all hell broke loose. I pretty much was phasing out or was phased out many of the things I had been involved in the past 3 years of college. I was focusing on graduating and getting my GPA up cause it was in the toilet. Well after my boyfriend tried to kill the Dean, who mind you was one of my advisers and knew we were dating, i went M.I.A, I pretty much went to class, to work and home, didn't really talk to anyone other than "The Crew", my roommates and my BFF (yeah the secret agent). I was trying to get out of college with "all deliberate speed". Well talking to my old advisor made me miss what I use to do, be active. I have slowly been moving toward becoming more active. I work with my sorority and things here and there. Man I will say the sorority is no joke, that want your time your money your all... but its good. So after I came back from my 2 hour lunch, I did a little work, went to pick up my dry cleaning (its bad when you take stuff to the cleaners and forget you owned this stuff), picked up my shoes (cause your girl was walking on nails) and went to the Delta house for 6 pm. I was with the Debutantes.They had a speaker there who talked about health and holistic living. YEP IT PEAKED MY INTEREST. I have been thinking lately about a lifestyle change, nothing drastic but something to get down to my (excuse my language) fucking weight. That's the weight you want to be at and have some one see you naked. cause right now your girl is a little fluffy. She talked about how we consume so many toxic, dairy and high fructose corn syrup. She also talked about 5 exercises that you can do for 5 days and lose 5 lbs in 5 weeks. 1.)lunges; 2.) squats; 3.) push ups; 4.) jump rope/ jumping jacks and 6.) walking. I she also gave an eating plan that is 30 weeks long. Nothing hard just adding things and subtracting things from your diet. I think I may try some different things. Like: drinking an 8 oz. class of water when I first wake up- she said that doing so replenishes your body because your body works its hardest while you are sleep digesting food (which is why it isn't good to eat late) and eating fruit up until noon and then after that eat regular food and then not eating meat and bread together (modification--as much).
Well anyway after she spoke the debs had to plan there culmination program. At some point in this all I was "nominated" to work with the debs next year and plan all of there 'programs', we will see. So I got home about 9pm and passed smooth out.
Today- I briefly chatted with Aaron, but like I said I am moving from smitten to indifferent, but that isn't bad (i don't think). Its probably good we didn't really talk, because i get all googoo gaga after we talk and I need to keep it together ( I WANT BE A SUCKER FOR LOVE). This evening I have my first "dialogue on race" this should be interesting, I will keep you all posted on that I have promised myself that I would listen much and speak little this day. We will see how that goes.
Oh How could i forget. My best friend, the secret agent her son pasted his first float test. I think there was some bribery involved, like BIG TOY FROM WAL-MART, but he passed it none the less. I was so worried not for him but for his mom. I think she would have be sad if he didn't pass. So i think he has 2 (maybe 3) more "test" to go and then he advances. GO STINK LITTLE BOY GO!!! We may have a Anthony Ervin in the making.
Monday, June 23, 2008
My daily reading.....
Okay this weekend I was reading my daily readings, ie police reports.... and sometimes I have to just laugh cause this ish is ridiculous.
1.) Defendant is charged with improper use of 911- he called the police because he couldn't find his mother and he needed help to get in the house to get some of his clothes....okay this may have been an emergency if we were talking about a 4 year old who couldn't find his mother but we are talking about a grown A## man who can't find his mother so he can get in the house (Question: where is your key dude? Answer: Either you are to irresponsible to keep up with it or you don't have one which means she don't want you in your house.)
2.) Defendant is charged with Domestic Abuse Battery- he hit his baby mamma cause she was sitting outside with there child, so he takes the kid and hits her, why? Because he told her to come in the house and she wouldn't, and I quote "what else was I suppose to do, she she sitting outside with my baby knowing he can get Westnile".
Okay I know you all may not think this stuff is funny, but I read so much foolishness that I sometimes literally laugh out loud.
1.) Defendant is charged with improper use of 911- he called the police because he couldn't find his mother and he needed help to get in the house to get some of his clothes....okay this may have been an emergency if we were talking about a 4 year old who couldn't find his mother but we are talking about a grown A## man who can't find his mother so he can get in the house (Question: where is your key dude? Answer: Either you are to irresponsible to keep up with it or you don't have one which means she don't want you in your house.)
2.) Defendant is charged with Domestic Abuse Battery- he hit his baby mamma cause she was sitting outside with there child, so he takes the kid and hits her, why? Because he told her to come in the house and she wouldn't, and I quote "what else was I suppose to do, she she sitting outside with my baby knowing he can get Westnile".
Okay I know you all may not think this stuff is funny, but I read so much foolishness that I sometimes literally laugh out loud.
Friday, June 20, 2008
My insecurities....
Okay I spoke the other day about how the thought of Aaron makes a lot of my insecurities flare up. So lets see if I can flush this out with myself and address them. I told you all I am my own therapist.
Okay about me. Growing up I never thought about getting married, having kids or anything like that. I once met someone I loved? and thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I almost postponed my graduation for him so that we could graduate together, move to St. Louis so he could do grad school and I do whatever was needed to make the relationship work, if that meant go to grad school as well or work while he was in grad school or raise our family while he was in grad school. Now mind you we talked about marriage, but it was never my understanding that we were going as husband and wife but that we were going together. Well circumstances came about that ended our relationship. I found out that he was not completely loyal to me (not sure if he had sex with the girl or what actually happened between but whatever it was I found it wholely inappropriate if I was his girlfriend and the woman he was planning a future with). Well once I found that I lost my mind, I had decided that I was going to this chick residence and cut all of her hair off and mail it to him where he was. So I pack my bag with scissors and zip lock bag in tow, I go to her place of residence only to be told that she isn't there. I go back to her place and the door is open, I go in and take a seat. So I am sitting in this girls residence in the door in front of the door, so I am the first thing she sees when she walks in and turns on the light. Well, I can say it was nothing but the Grace of God, that had my friend suggest we run down stairs so she could check her email and come back before she gets back, cause she was tired of waiting. So we go check her email and as I am waiting she comes home. So I go back and ask her roommate to leave and go smooth off.... I can't really remember all I said to her, but I remember thinking she thinks this is a game. I told her that I would hang her from a tree, and I had figured that I would do it with the sheet from her bed at the tree outside her window. Well I didn't hang her but I did scare the life out of her. Had some questions to answer with the law and almost didn't graduate. But THANKS BE TO GOD, cause it was nothing but him, i was completely emotional and out of control.
So to my insecurities....
1.) I am afraid to ever care about someone so much that I lose myself. I am not sure if I can care or love someone again, because if I get hurt I am not sure how I will handle it. I never want to feel like that again. A hurt that goes to sleep with you, wakes up with you. Its almost like in the cartoons with the dark cloud that just follows you around. I mean I did everything to make it go away. I went to the gym, I drank, I fucked, I worked, I cried, I sought revenge, I did everything except drugs. I can honestly say that it wasn't until like within the last year that I was completely over it all. The love, the hurt, the circumstances that lead to the end of our relationship. I had suppressed and denied myself for so long that one day was like I am so done with this yeah like 7 years latter, talk about baggage.
2.) I am afraid of loosing control. I pride myself on controlling people and situations. I hold all the cards and ration them out as I see fit. and take them back as well. I would love to be the young naive chick I once was. Be able to submit to a man but now the thought of that makes me want to cry. I feel trapped and suffocating to even think about being in such a situation.
3.) Fear of abandonment. I have abandonment issues. I don't know if I can handle a relationship. I can't stand to be "neglected" for any period of time. I become neurotic, does he still like me, is he mad at me, does he want to stop seeing me? I then start playing our last conversations over in my mind wondering where I went wrong, critiquing everything analysing every statement to the point I am exhausted and want out because I don't want him to break it off with me first.
4.) The one issue I want blog about because I think its to personal.
5.) Fear of commitment. I am afraid that I am my father's child. My father hasn't been faithful to anyone that I have known him to be with. I am sure he has his spin on it but NO HE HASN'T. I am afraid that my father's, grandfather's and great grandfather's genes will kick in and I will either be like them or marry someone like them. And looking at my mother's mother I and my dad's mother I may be in trouble. I am afraid of my genes. I love my family be with the good comes the bad. I don't think I would intentionally hurt my mate, but I do believe I am susceptible to poor judgment here and there, which would destroy my current situations.
What else...
Well like I said I have never seen myself with husband and kids. However anyone that I get serious with must understand my relationship with my mother. She is my heart, my backbone, my support. We have a very "strange" relationship and you just have to accept it for what it is. She is the most important person on this earth to me and everyone else comes after. If you are lucky you can be the second most important person in my life. My mother has done so much for me, she has sacrificed so much so that I can have and it is my responsibility to make sure she has everything she wants, needs and desires. Now occasionally she gets a little out of hand and I have to lay down the law. I am an only child so when it gets to a point that she can't take care of herself it will be my responsibility, and there is no if ands buts about it. My mother doesn't want to be put in a nursing home and I will do my damnedest to make sure that never happens. So with that being said, about 2.5 years ago my mother and i (kinda) purchased a townhouse. While we were living together, I was able to pay off all my credit card and my car off. I was then in a position to help her attack this mortgage aggressively, but then I moved. So I have figured that if I get financially strick we can pay this mortgage off in 5 years, as well as both of our cars. So what has that meant I am not buying furniture for my current place, I don't plan on spending unnecessary monies. I am gonna budget, budget budget. I have not factored a man into my life, nor a long distant relationship, nor kids (they would need a budget all by themselves) nor a wedding and all those damn expenses.
With all that being said lets bring it home. I have been thinking about Aaron, only because he makes my insecurities flare up. I want to get to know him, but I can't invite him to my place- I don't have cable, I don't have furniture (I have a futon, a bed, a old TV with no remote, a DVD player, a breakfast nook with 2 stools; my clothes are in Tupperware tubs and luggage; not a picture on the wall; I don't cook nor buy like serious groceries, I mean I could go on) I live like a true pauper. Then he is in an area currently that is 7 hours (yes 7 hours) difference in time. This is only a recipe for tragedy. Then I think he may be interested in the person he knew, knew of in college. I am like 50+lbs. heavier, with baggage, poor communication skills, 10 years of life kicking my ass---- pretty much a horrible candidate to invest time, emotion and energy in. *I throw my hands up*
This is so not something I want to do......I just want to be left alone, I want to cancel, I want to cut all communication, I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I AM SO MY FATHER'S CHILD, I'm cursed this is my punishment for all, foul, ill, wrong shit I have done and my ancestors.............................................................................................................................................................
I am so not a match for anyone, this dude is so out of my league, what the hell am i thinking? I am gonna do nothing my aggravate, frustrate him and ruin the decent friendship we currently have.
Okay about me. Growing up I never thought about getting married, having kids or anything like that. I once met someone I loved? and thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I almost postponed my graduation for him so that we could graduate together, move to St. Louis so he could do grad school and I do whatever was needed to make the relationship work, if that meant go to grad school as well or work while he was in grad school or raise our family while he was in grad school. Now mind you we talked about marriage, but it was never my understanding that we were going as husband and wife but that we were going together. Well circumstances came about that ended our relationship. I found out that he was not completely loyal to me (not sure if he had sex with the girl or what actually happened between but whatever it was I found it wholely inappropriate if I was his girlfriend and the woman he was planning a future with). Well once I found that I lost my mind, I had decided that I was going to this chick residence and cut all of her hair off and mail it to him where he was. So I pack my bag with scissors and zip lock bag in tow, I go to her place of residence only to be told that she isn't there. I go back to her place and the door is open, I go in and take a seat. So I am sitting in this girls residence in the door in front of the door, so I am the first thing she sees when she walks in and turns on the light. Well, I can say it was nothing but the Grace of God, that had my friend suggest we run down stairs so she could check her email and come back before she gets back, cause she was tired of waiting. So we go check her email and as I am waiting she comes home. So I go back and ask her roommate to leave and go smooth off.... I can't really remember all I said to her, but I remember thinking she thinks this is a game. I told her that I would hang her from a tree, and I had figured that I would do it with the sheet from her bed at the tree outside her window. Well I didn't hang her but I did scare the life out of her. Had some questions to answer with the law and almost didn't graduate. But THANKS BE TO GOD, cause it was nothing but him, i was completely emotional and out of control.
So to my insecurities....
1.) I am afraid to ever care about someone so much that I lose myself. I am not sure if I can care or love someone again, because if I get hurt I am not sure how I will handle it. I never want to feel like that again. A hurt that goes to sleep with you, wakes up with you. Its almost like in the cartoons with the dark cloud that just follows you around. I mean I did everything to make it go away. I went to the gym, I drank, I fucked, I worked, I cried, I sought revenge, I did everything except drugs. I can honestly say that it wasn't until like within the last year that I was completely over it all. The love, the hurt, the circumstances that lead to the end of our relationship. I had suppressed and denied myself for so long that one day was like I am so done with this yeah like 7 years latter, talk about baggage.
2.) I am afraid of loosing control. I pride myself on controlling people and situations. I hold all the cards and ration them out as I see fit. and take them back as well. I would love to be the young naive chick I once was. Be able to submit to a man but now the thought of that makes me want to cry. I feel trapped and suffocating to even think about being in such a situation.
3.) Fear of abandonment. I have abandonment issues. I don't know if I can handle a relationship. I can't stand to be "neglected" for any period of time. I become neurotic, does he still like me, is he mad at me, does he want to stop seeing me? I then start playing our last conversations over in my mind wondering where I went wrong, critiquing everything analysing every statement to the point I am exhausted and want out because I don't want him to break it off with me first.
4.) The one issue I want blog about because I think its to personal.
5.) Fear of commitment. I am afraid that I am my father's child. My father hasn't been faithful to anyone that I have known him to be with. I am sure he has his spin on it but NO HE HASN'T. I am afraid that my father's, grandfather's and great grandfather's genes will kick in and I will either be like them or marry someone like them. And looking at my mother's mother I and my dad's mother I may be in trouble. I am afraid of my genes. I love my family be with the good comes the bad. I don't think I would intentionally hurt my mate, but I do believe I am susceptible to poor judgment here and there, which would destroy my current situations.
What else...
Well like I said I have never seen myself with husband and kids. However anyone that I get serious with must understand my relationship with my mother. She is my heart, my backbone, my support. We have a very "strange" relationship and you just have to accept it for what it is. She is the most important person on this earth to me and everyone else comes after. If you are lucky you can be the second most important person in my life. My mother has done so much for me, she has sacrificed so much so that I can have and it is my responsibility to make sure she has everything she wants, needs and desires. Now occasionally she gets a little out of hand and I have to lay down the law. I am an only child so when it gets to a point that she can't take care of herself it will be my responsibility, and there is no if ands buts about it. My mother doesn't want to be put in a nursing home and I will do my damnedest to make sure that never happens. So with that being said, about 2.5 years ago my mother and i (kinda) purchased a townhouse. While we were living together, I was able to pay off all my credit card and my car off. I was then in a position to help her attack this mortgage aggressively, but then I moved. So I have figured that if I get financially strick we can pay this mortgage off in 5 years, as well as both of our cars. So what has that meant I am not buying furniture for my current place, I don't plan on spending unnecessary monies. I am gonna budget, budget budget. I have not factored a man into my life, nor a long distant relationship, nor kids (they would need a budget all by themselves) nor a wedding and all those damn expenses.
With all that being said lets bring it home. I have been thinking about Aaron, only because he makes my insecurities flare up. I want to get to know him, but I can't invite him to my place- I don't have cable, I don't have furniture (I have a futon, a bed, a old TV with no remote, a DVD player, a breakfast nook with 2 stools; my clothes are in Tupperware tubs and luggage; not a picture on the wall; I don't cook nor buy like serious groceries, I mean I could go on) I live like a true pauper. Then he is in an area currently that is 7 hours (yes 7 hours) difference in time. This is only a recipe for tragedy. Then I think he may be interested in the person he knew, knew of in college. I am like 50+lbs. heavier, with baggage, poor communication skills, 10 years of life kicking my ass---- pretty much a horrible candidate to invest time, emotion and energy in. *I throw my hands up*
This is so not something I want to do......I just want to be left alone, I want to cancel, I want to cut all communication, I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I AM SO MY FATHER'S CHILD, I'm cursed this is my punishment for all, foul, ill, wrong shit I have done and my ancestors.............................................................................................................................................................
I am so not a match for anyone, this dude is so out of my league, what the hell am i thinking? I am gonna do nothing my aggravate, frustrate him and ruin the decent friendship we currently have.
Float Test
Okay this was a new concept to me until last night. I was talking to my best friend, yeah the secret agent. She was telling me how "stinky little boy" was ready for the FLOAT TEST and she was all excited. Okay think back to the days when I was a guppy and taking swimming lessons, all that entailed was getting in the pool and having your instructor help you lay on your back and you float. But obviously things have changed and they are training swimmers for the revolution...She proceeds to tell me about the NEW float test. What happens is they just throw your child in the pool, street clothes and all, they ask that you dress them in real shoes no flip flops and swim shoes, pretty much what ever they would wear to school. Once your child is thrown into the pool he must either float for five minutes or swim to the edge. WTF???? I don't know any adults that would take kindly to this test, yet alone a 3 year old. If you all ever met "stinky little boy" you would understand why I am concerned, he is gonna be full of attitude but then again he may surprise me, I hope it does well. Oh did I mention that the have to do this for 3 consecutive classes and they ask that each time your child is dressed in MORE clothes then the last time.
Well anyway that made me think, maybe I should implement the float test in my life. I mentioned to TV Junkie today about my "date" and her advise was don't worry about, don't think about the day of if nothing has been decided I have a plan. But no more talk, no more thoughts, no more stressing and no more worrying. It is what it is.
Okay I am suppose to be cleaning up and I done my room and my bathroom. I have the living room, front room and kitchen left I am moving so slow. I have another eventless weekend planned. I am thinking I will finish cleaning up, maybe pop in a movie and read some police reports. Saturday I think I will try and get up in the morning and finally make it to the market its like a block over and I haven't been since the day I moved into my apartment (yeah like March), pop in a couple of movies, read some police reports and get ready for church. Sunday go to church, then belly dancing, then wash my hair finish up my movie (yeah i got the max 7) and finish up my police reports and make sure I am ready for the week.
I have another blog that came to mind so I am gonna end this one and try to squeeze this one out.
Well anyway that made me think, maybe I should implement the float test in my life. I mentioned to TV Junkie today about my "date" and her advise was don't worry about, don't think about the day of if nothing has been decided I have a plan. But no more talk, no more thoughts, no more stressing and no more worrying. It is what it is.
Okay I am suppose to be cleaning up and I done my room and my bathroom. I have the living room, front room and kitchen left I am moving so slow. I have another eventless weekend planned. I am thinking I will finish cleaning up, maybe pop in a movie and read some police reports. Saturday I think I will try and get up in the morning and finally make it to the market its like a block over and I haven't been since the day I moved into my apartment (yeah like March), pop in a couple of movies, read some police reports and get ready for church. Sunday go to church, then belly dancing, then wash my hair finish up my movie (yeah i got the max 7) and finish up my police reports and make sure I am ready for the week.
I have another blog that came to mind so I am gonna end this one and try to squeeze this one out.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
He just made my day....
Okay so Aaron is off the list...yesterday I was having a pretty busy and overwhelming day at work. So I come to sit down at my desk like with 45 minutes left and guess who I have a message from. Seeing his message just make my day, yeah lame I know (i must stop this insanity) So I decided to go home and be a heathen and not go to the dry cleaners, vacation bible school, the grocery store and instead and go home and talk to him. OH SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!. So we talk about we are still trying to figure out what we are gonna do, I did tell him I didn't want to go to the movies cause that would be a waste of 2 hours not talking to him. Of course he had a smart ass response (I wasn't taking you to the movie anyhow) I just wanted to die. So then I tell him I find him scary cause....I don't. He tells me he likes me and what not and we talk about vulnerability and how I hate to feel weak. I wish I could just open up and stay what I felt and thought but its just so damn hard. I want to get to know him and see if my interest is just because its new or genuine, but I am to damn impatient. So we will see.
Today I have a Money matters seminar for my sorority and then I am suppose to go to a club tonight, but I really ain't feeling that, so I may skip it and go tomorrow night, I haven't decided. What else, I finally got my information for my class in yesterday, but i was so overwhelmed and tired I didn't get a chance to look at it. But hopefully I can get it out tomorrow for approval and have it in the mail but Thursday so it will be there timely.
This morning I woke up and read some emails, my old colleague from court sent me this funny as shit email about Baraknaphobia, so I sent it to people I knew, one being my ex. He emails me back and says "I am suppose you are still talking to me" my response, "ugh, why wouldn't i? What have you done, Now? we are good? whats been going on with you?" so we will see what his response will be. I so don't want to get sucked into that web, but I hope we can be friends, we've shared so much, LOL!!!
Back on Aaron---He scares me, we I think about him it triggers my insecurities. I have worked so hard to suppress them, mask them, camouflage them and just the thought of him makes them flare up. THIS DUDE MUST BE STOPPED!!! but i think I may like him.....somebody sedate me please, i can't do this......
Today I have a Money matters seminar for my sorority and then I am suppose to go to a club tonight, but I really ain't feeling that, so I may skip it and go tomorrow night, I haven't decided. What else, I finally got my information for my class in yesterday, but i was so overwhelmed and tired I didn't get a chance to look at it. But hopefully I can get it out tomorrow for approval and have it in the mail but Thursday so it will be there timely.
This morning I woke up and read some emails, my old colleague from court sent me this funny as shit email about Baraknaphobia, so I sent it to people I knew, one being my ex. He emails me back and says "I am suppose you are still talking to me" my response, "ugh, why wouldn't i? What have you done, Now? we are good? whats been going on with you?" so we will see what his response will be. I so don't want to get sucked into that web, but I hope we can be friends, we've shared so much, LOL!!!
Back on Aaron---He scares me, we I think about him it triggers my insecurities. I have worked so hard to suppress them, mask them, camouflage them and just the thought of him makes them flare up. THIS DUDE MUST BE STOPPED!!! but i think I may like him.....somebody sedate me please, i can't do this......
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
My best friends a secret agent
Okay I am not sure if you all remember me telling you that my my best friend went to Egypt....totally cool. So yesterday I was talking with another good friend of mines that knows my best friends, we will call this friend TV junkie. I am not sure if I have talked about TV junkie on here, I think I have. Well TV junkie is my role model. She is the greatest. She was probably the first of my friends to get married and she now has 2 beautiful daughters, she's a stay at home mom, she knows something about everything, if I need to know something or get motivated to do something she's the person. I know I have talked about TV junkie she's the one with her husband that "kidnapped" me to go to this Gala right after I first moved back here. Well anyway she asked me what my BFF did, and I gave her some vague answer cause I know where she works, I know what she says she does but I promise you she does work, though she says otherwise. I joke that she is my Tommye (as in Tommye from Martin). Well Tv Junkie has another theory that I am pondering, she says my BFF is Jennifer Gardner from Alias. Now I haven't seen the show but I do know that its about a secret agent who has all of her friends thinking she is like some computer geek. Cause when I tell you my BFF takes amazing trips with this company and with her last company. So if I go M.I.A then you know some foreign government has taken me hostage for some ill shit that my BFF has done.
What else is going on. I stayed up until 2 a.m. talking to my best friend. We haven't done that shit in a long time. She was bitching about why people don't tell her stuff and I felt guilty cause I hadn't really told her about my potential date with Aaron. She was all excited and then when I told her my position on the lack of communication she was like you are being crazy. Then she proceeds to tell me I have to "play the game". for those that don't I am so against playing the game. I have my own approach, yeah she's married with kid and I am single. But I just don't want to be fake. I don't want to start something that I am not going to finish. I don't want him to meet my representative cause I don't want to meet his. Of course she got on my case because I am impatient and I just don't let things happen. We talked about what we were doing and I told her that honestly I don't want to do dinner and a movie cause if this is gonna be the only time I see him for a while, then I don't want to waste 2 hours sitting in a dark movie being quiet. I would rather go hang out. She was like what about pool or bowling, I was but I am not good at those things. I am not gonna go on a date and suck at something. I can't let him beat me, that would suck. Of course she threatened to slap me cause that sounded crazy. So I don't know what the deal is hell I hate this limbo shit, I just rather throw my hands up and surrender and be like "I'm Done, count me out" she's like just go and have fun. What kind of stupid shit is that....go and have fun. like its that damn easy. I don't know why she is acting like she just met me. She knows me and how I am so why would she say that to me. Cause it ain't happening. Oh well, think I am gonna end up screwing this up to, hopefully it want be to bad and he want wish he had never sent me the "message".
okay i think that's it for now.
What else is going on. I stayed up until 2 a.m. talking to my best friend. We haven't done that shit in a long time. She was bitching about why people don't tell her stuff and I felt guilty cause I hadn't really told her about my potential date with Aaron. She was all excited and then when I told her my position on the lack of communication she was like you are being crazy. Then she proceeds to tell me I have to "play the game". for those that don't I am so against playing the game. I have my own approach, yeah she's married with kid and I am single. But I just don't want to be fake. I don't want to start something that I am not going to finish. I don't want him to meet my representative cause I don't want to meet his. Of course she got on my case because I am impatient and I just don't let things happen. We talked about what we were doing and I told her that honestly I don't want to do dinner and a movie cause if this is gonna be the only time I see him for a while, then I don't want to waste 2 hours sitting in a dark movie being quiet. I would rather go hang out. She was like what about pool or bowling, I was but I am not good at those things. I am not gonna go on a date and suck at something. I can't let him beat me, that would suck. Of course she threatened to slap me cause that sounded crazy. So I don't know what the deal is hell I hate this limbo shit, I just rather throw my hands up and surrender and be like "I'm Done, count me out" she's like just go and have fun. What kind of stupid shit is that....go and have fun. like its that damn easy. I don't know why she is acting like she just met me. She knows me and how I am so why would she say that to me. Cause it ain't happening. Oh well, think I am gonna end up screwing this up to, hopefully it want be to bad and he want wish he had never sent me the "message".
okay i think that's it for now.
Monday, June 16, 2008
So how's getting deleted
Alright for those who haven't participated in the game this is the first online episode. What normally happens is I get a "hair" in my ass and decided to delete people from my phone for random reasons. I take them to committee (me, myself and I) and we discuss why or why not they should be deleted. Well with the online episode I am actually sharing "somewhat" this is a family show (LOL) my reasons and then well they get the button (the erase button that is). So lets start the "games":
1. Gemini body- gets deleted because I know we only talk occasionally and before your work required you to travel alot. We have had our share of misunderstandings about the status of our friendship. But dude I drove to Dallas to surprise you and I can't get a nothing. You said and I quote "I am gonna make it my business to call you once a week to see how you're doing", of course I didn't believe you when you said it, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt but yet you proved me right. And to add insult to injury you haven't accepted my friendship on myspace (canceling that request as well)....transferring you to electronic address book, ERASED
2. okay we will but Aaron on standby until next Monday
3. Mr. PaPa you were never added back from the last time I deleted you, however you have been deleted from myspace and all your texts have been deleted as well. Gotta keep it moving.
4. LJ is getting deleted...I haven't really talked about him. This was my Law school scandal,he is being deleted because (1) we haven't talked in like a month and (2) the last time we talked you had to many damn questions about who i was associating with. ERASED
5. preacher nupe...hadn't really talked about him, we were good friends back in the cut,but I think his number has changed and we haven't talked since before I moved here...Erased
6. looks good in black and earth tones---you got to go too, cause this is more of the same bullshit from years past for me. you are too controversial, my friends hate you and actually i think one would "try" to "kill" me if she knew about you....plus you have to much going on and i just ain't for the sharing.
okay I think that is good for right now, we have some that are one deck and there activity will be monitored. thank you for you time and tune in next "week" for SO WHO'S GETTING DELETED.
1. Gemini body- gets deleted because I know we only talk occasionally and before your work required you to travel alot. We have had our share of misunderstandings about the status of our friendship. But dude I drove to Dallas to surprise you and I can't get a nothing. You said and I quote "I am gonna make it my business to call you once a week to see how you're doing", of course I didn't believe you when you said it, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt but yet you proved me right. And to add insult to injury you haven't accepted my friendship on myspace (canceling that request as well)....transferring you to electronic address book, ERASED
2. okay we will but Aaron on standby until next Monday
3. Mr. PaPa you were never added back from the last time I deleted you, however you have been deleted from myspace and all your texts have been deleted as well. Gotta keep it moving.
4. LJ is getting deleted...I haven't really talked about him. This was my Law school scandal,he is being deleted because (1) we haven't talked in like a month and (2) the last time we talked you had to many damn questions about who i was associating with. ERASED
5. preacher nupe...hadn't really talked about him, we were good friends back in the cut,but I think his number has changed and we haven't talked since before I moved here...Erased
6. looks good in black and earth tones---you got to go too, cause this is more of the same bullshit from years past for me. you are too controversial, my friends hate you and actually i think one would "try" to "kill" me if she knew about you....plus you have to much going on and i just ain't for the sharing.
okay I think that is good for right now, we have some that are one deck and there activity will be monitored. thank you for you time and tune in next "week" for SO WHO'S GETTING DELETED.
Probaly why I was down in the dumps this weekend...
Okay a couple of things I was so down in the dumps this weekend. After I got off work I went home and went to bed. I then got up and did some cleaning and what not. I went to Wal-mart to pick up a few things plus I got Usher's new CD. (not sure how I feel about it, will keep you posted) I then finally went to bed around 3 a.m. to only have to get up for sorority meeting at 9:30 (actually breakfast is at 9:30 and then meeting at 10, but meeting didn't start till like 10:30ish) So I came home and wasted the rest of the day away, then my best friend called me to tell me all about her trip to Egypt (which actually was the highlight of my day) and then I went to bed. I woke up around 7ish and decided I wasn't going to church, so I slept in until like 9 and did some random things around the house. Then I went to belly dancing which was pretty cool, it got me out the house and doing something.
I figure why I was in such a funk...it was Father's Day weekend and I spent the entire time trying not to hate my father. I really don't want to hate him (cause I ain't trying to go to hell behind him, shit his contributions on earth have been pretty hellacious, really not just the effects they have had on me) In addition, I haven't talked to Aaron since Thursday and if you haven't figured it out I have abandonment issues. When people go M.I.A. on my I somewhat freak and and cut them off completely. So I am slowly cutting Aaron off. I did send him a text today and if I haven't heard from him by Friday of this week then I am done. I am canceling our "date" if that is even what it is and deleting him from my phone. Say what you want, but whatever.
So today a friend of Mr. Phuck around to phuck around comes by my job, to get some assistance. So later on today, I get a call from Mr. PaPa to say thanks for helping his boy out (not really sure what I did, but okay) so then he sensed that I was being short with him and I explained that I am pretty much done with him. He was like okay this is like the 6th or 7th time you have kicked me to the curb, can I at least have a reason. I told him cause I am not use to getting what I want. Which is part of the reason. I am tired, I am tired of the same ole shit in my life when it comes to men. I want something new, something different, something scandal free, potential drama free something that just feels right and this shit, this shit right here ain't it. Okay it is to a point but not what I am looking for. I can't explain what it is I am looking for, I think its more of a feeling. I have this feeling when I initially meet people and then it goes away (thus I loose interest in them). So I am looking for that feeling, I think that Aaron has the potential if he doesn't feed into my abandonment issues and I open up and be completely honest with him. Then again maybe not cause we are so damn far apart and I am not sure what he wants from me. Question- why would a guy tell you he had a crush on you in college (like 8 years ago, ask you about yourself and then suggest you all go you for dinner and a movie when he comes to town?) You can say it I read to much in to such, and yes I do. I will analyze something to death. So this is why I will probably be by myself. So back to Mr. PaPa. Its crazy, I can't commit to him cause i have commitment issues and he can commit to me cause he is already committed. And they are so damn happy, she just fucking lights up when he is in the room. (intelligence reports are a bitch) and then i think she lives in the same city as me. Ugh, yeah this is to much for me. Be my luck I run in to them all lovey dovey....talk about stab me in the heart and turn. So I am done....and if it takes lunch, dinner, drinks to actually say it and mean it to him then so be it. I am cleaning house around here bitches....
speaking of which, you know what time it is.......Delete motherfuckers time........so i will talk to you later.
I figure why I was in such a funk...it was Father's Day weekend and I spent the entire time trying not to hate my father. I really don't want to hate him (cause I ain't trying to go to hell behind him, shit his contributions on earth have been pretty hellacious, really not just the effects they have had on me) In addition, I haven't talked to Aaron since Thursday and if you haven't figured it out I have abandonment issues. When people go M.I.A. on my I somewhat freak and and cut them off completely. So I am slowly cutting Aaron off. I did send him a text today and if I haven't heard from him by Friday of this week then I am done. I am canceling our "date" if that is even what it is and deleting him from my phone. Say what you want, but whatever.
So today a friend of Mr. Phuck around to phuck around comes by my job, to get some assistance. So later on today, I get a call from Mr. PaPa to say thanks for helping his boy out (not really sure what I did, but okay) so then he sensed that I was being short with him and I explained that I am pretty much done with him. He was like okay this is like the 6th or 7th time you have kicked me to the curb, can I at least have a reason. I told him cause I am not use to getting what I want. Which is part of the reason. I am tired, I am tired of the same ole shit in my life when it comes to men. I want something new, something different, something scandal free, potential drama free something that just feels right and this shit, this shit right here ain't it. Okay it is to a point but not what I am looking for. I can't explain what it is I am looking for, I think its more of a feeling. I have this feeling when I initially meet people and then it goes away (thus I loose interest in them). So I am looking for that feeling, I think that Aaron has the potential if he doesn't feed into my abandonment issues and I open up and be completely honest with him. Then again maybe not cause we are so damn far apart and I am not sure what he wants from me. Question- why would a guy tell you he had a crush on you in college (like 8 years ago, ask you about yourself and then suggest you all go you for dinner and a movie when he comes to town?) You can say it I read to much in to such, and yes I do. I will analyze something to death. So this is why I will probably be by myself. So back to Mr. PaPa. Its crazy, I can't commit to him cause i have commitment issues and he can commit to me cause he is already committed. And they are so damn happy, she just fucking lights up when he is in the room. (intelligence reports are a bitch) and then i think she lives in the same city as me. Ugh, yeah this is to much for me. Be my luck I run in to them all lovey dovey....talk about stab me in the heart and turn. So I am done....and if it takes lunch, dinner, drinks to actually say it and mean it to him then so be it. I am cleaning house around here bitches....
speaking of which, you know what time it is.......Delete motherfuckers time........so i will talk to you later.
Friday, June 13, 2008
oh yeah
I hate grown ass babified men.....you know the men who can't do nothing for themselves, they mamma always running to do for them. UGH!!!! bitchassness at its worse.
This sucks!!!!!!!!
Okay I am the last (insert job title here) in the office, why because I traded duty with somebody. I have about an hour left and I am sleepy as hell. So I guess I will tell you guys about last night. So I did go to the hip hop thing, it was nice. I think however, I have to be in a certain mind frame for it though. It did remind me a lot of a few college parties I went to but whatever. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a minute. Okay my observations:
1. I have realized that I am a private person. I like scandal but I hate drama. What does that mean. Okay I told you all about this girl I ran into at the jazz place on Wednesday, well I met her and her sister and her cousin at the hip hop night. Well there were some fine men there and a group in particular we were around. Now they were OBVIOUSLY flirting with these guys and I was just chillin in the cut drinking my beers (slowly getting drunk). At some point they started showing tattoos and naked pictures of themselves. All I could do was shake my head. Now let me say this. I have dated guys who strip, never while they were current strippers. I just have a problem (a) with sharing (b) with everyone knowing what I got and (c) I don't think my insecurities could handle a man who's job was to excite women (not just me) but every damn women he came into contact with. I personally like low profile brothers (add this to the list) Low Profile Brothers.
2. When I drink I get horny. Yeah I know I should know this about myself by now. Which would explain some of my bad decisions. So last night I feel like I am getting a little buzzed so I am like I need to get home before I can't drive. So I leave and by the time I got up my stairs I was in face numbing zone. The beer was sneaking up on me and I made it home just in time. So my intention was to come home and finish up my "daily reading" and then go to bed, maybe get things out for work but that would be pushing it. So I get on the comp. return a few emails and then it hits me. I NEED TO CAL (mr. looks good in black and brown) (I think that's the name I gave him earlier). Because of course I see him there. Well I knew he was still there so I shot him a text, saying "It was good seeing". Now mind you I we didn't really talk, we spoke and made eye contact a couple of times, he occasionally would bump into me, but it was just like I liked it no obvious connection or interaction. Well I think by the time I put my phone down, I was smooth passed out. Of course when I wake up this morning I have a response from him asking was I going to sleep. So I had to send him a text back saying sorry I pasted smooth out last night. I sure as hell hope he doesn't call me this weekend, cause I am so not gonna want to be bother. My windows are open for a short period of time and once it closes its closed. You just have to wait for the next come around.
3. I need to just say it...So we are standing around with these guys and one of them tries to holla at me. Okay I very rarely give my info out to people, cause you never know who you are dealing with, and to I really don't got out to meet men. I really would like to just meet one in the grocery store or some where else other than a club, but that's just my crazy. Well this dude catches my attention and says some like you are so gorgeous and I say thank you. Then he says can I have your number, my response was I am seeing someone (LIE). Now why did I lie to this man. Okay he was massive (like I like them) but he couldn't talk. I can't remember but oh yeah he could say mediocrity and he keep saying it wrong over and over and over again. He was trying to convenience me that I shouldn't settle for mediocrity (because I said my man is good to me) when I could have him, who would be great to me. (I was just waiting for him to say drop that zero and get with this hero). Then he proceeded to tell me that he was a coach and he travels a lot. (ugh this is were he put the nail in the coffin) then he says i have rings that other men don't have (huh...is he talking about a wedding ring, I hope this Bamma is talking about like championship rings, because if he is buying himself fucking rings WE HAVE A PROBLEM (that is gay)). Here is the sinker he says "you gonna wish you would have given me your number, cause you are gonna see me on TV and say he tried to holla at me." SERIOUSLY, I hate it I mean I HATE IT when fellas try to make you a gold digger. I have been approached by many different types of me who I have rejected there advances, I do occasionally wish I would have responded differently, but I know at the time I had my reasons. Now this fool thinks cause I see him on TV I am gonna wish I had. Ugh NOT!!!! cause apparently with a statement like that he is so not ready for me. And didn't I say the beer was slowly creeping up on me, so shit I probably want even remember his damn face, actually I don't.
So what do I have in store this weekend...for one i see a nap in my immediate future, cleaning up sometime after that, watching 2 random movies I have at the house, going to sorority meeting, going to church and going to belly dancing. After such an eventful weekend then back to work and a week of only God knows. I have decided that I am gonna limit my activities (late night especially) to 1 a night (Sunday - Thursday). cause your girl is tired and I got to get my rhythm.
1. I have realized that I am a private person. I like scandal but I hate drama. What does that mean. Okay I told you all about this girl I ran into at the jazz place on Wednesday, well I met her and her sister and her cousin at the hip hop night. Well there were some fine men there and a group in particular we were around. Now they were OBVIOUSLY flirting with these guys and I was just chillin in the cut drinking my beers (slowly getting drunk). At some point they started showing tattoos and naked pictures of themselves. All I could do was shake my head. Now let me say this. I have dated guys who strip, never while they were current strippers. I just have a problem (a) with sharing (b) with everyone knowing what I got and (c) I don't think my insecurities could handle a man who's job was to excite women (not just me) but every damn women he came into contact with. I personally like low profile brothers (add this to the list) Low Profile Brothers.
2. When I drink I get horny. Yeah I know I should know this about myself by now. Which would explain some of my bad decisions. So last night I feel like I am getting a little buzzed so I am like I need to get home before I can't drive. So I leave and by the time I got up my stairs I was in face numbing zone. The beer was sneaking up on me and I made it home just in time. So my intention was to come home and finish up my "daily reading" and then go to bed, maybe get things out for work but that would be pushing it. So I get on the comp. return a few emails and then it hits me. I NEED TO CAL (mr. looks good in black and brown) (I think that's the name I gave him earlier). Because of course I see him there. Well I knew he was still there so I shot him a text, saying "It was good seeing". Now mind you I we didn't really talk, we spoke and made eye contact a couple of times, he occasionally would bump into me, but it was just like I liked it no obvious connection or interaction. Well I think by the time I put my phone down, I was smooth passed out. Of course when I wake up this morning I have a response from him asking was I going to sleep. So I had to send him a text back saying sorry I pasted smooth out last night. I sure as hell hope he doesn't call me this weekend, cause I am so not gonna want to be bother. My windows are open for a short period of time and once it closes its closed. You just have to wait for the next come around.
3. I need to just say it...So we are standing around with these guys and one of them tries to holla at me. Okay I very rarely give my info out to people, cause you never know who you are dealing with, and to I really don't got out to meet men. I really would like to just meet one in the grocery store or some where else other than a club, but that's just my crazy. Well this dude catches my attention and says some like you are so gorgeous and I say thank you. Then he says can I have your number, my response was I am seeing someone (LIE). Now why did I lie to this man. Okay he was massive (like I like them) but he couldn't talk. I can't remember but oh yeah he could say mediocrity and he keep saying it wrong over and over and over again. He was trying to convenience me that I shouldn't settle for mediocrity (because I said my man is good to me) when I could have him, who would be great to me. (I was just waiting for him to say drop that zero and get with this hero). Then he proceeded to tell me that he was a coach and he travels a lot. (ugh this is were he put the nail in the coffin) then he says i have rings that other men don't have (huh...is he talking about a wedding ring, I hope this Bamma is talking about like championship rings, because if he is buying himself fucking rings WE HAVE A PROBLEM (that is gay)). Here is the sinker he says "you gonna wish you would have given me your number, cause you are gonna see me on TV and say he tried to holla at me." SERIOUSLY, I hate it I mean I HATE IT when fellas try to make you a gold digger. I have been approached by many different types of me who I have rejected there advances, I do occasionally wish I would have responded differently, but I know at the time I had my reasons. Now this fool thinks cause I see him on TV I am gonna wish I had. Ugh NOT!!!! cause apparently with a statement like that he is so not ready for me. And didn't I say the beer was slowly creeping up on me, so shit I probably want even remember his damn face, actually I don't.
So what do I have in store this weekend...for one i see a nap in my immediate future, cleaning up sometime after that, watching 2 random movies I have at the house, going to sorority meeting, going to church and going to belly dancing. After such an eventful weekend then back to work and a week of only God knows. I have decided that I am gonna limit my activities (late night especially) to 1 a night (Sunday - Thursday). cause your girl is tired and I got to get my rhythm.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
1st Step to Complete Independence
A couple of things...
Okay I did it last night, I got dressed, got in my car, went to the door, paid my money to get in, walked down a long corridor, turned right, ended up in front of a stage (with drummer and congo man) walked around to the bar and saw 2 people I knew and met a host of others. I have always said when I get to the point where I can go out by myself I will be truly independent. And last night was the first step, I actually got invited to a hip hop night (like back in college (i hope)), so I may be venturing out again. I will however limit my going out (Sunday-Thursday) to one day cause I was struggling today at work. This only means I really need to get on a schedule and not waste time at work and at home and get adequate sleep during the week and not wait for the weekend. Just like I don't like doing chores on the weekend I need to get the same way about sleep.
I talked to my best friend today. I hope I didn't make her feel bad. I kept telling her how jealous and how much I hated her cause she was in Egypt. I really didn't mean it, I am truly happy for her and hopes she has the best time, plus work of course. She started to apologize for 'bragging' and I told her I was really happy for her and I meant it.
I spoke with Aaron today (I know, I know) I will say I do fancy him. That is so Reba McIntyre (never mind if you aren't into country). He asked me today what if I have the best time of my life when we go out. I told him I would definitely have to leave him alone. So this is my thought provoking thought for the evening, we all have insecurities, whats yours?
Okay not sure if many of you have seen Sex in the City the Movie but Charlotte says something in the movie to the effect "my life is so great I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop" (go see the movie and you will get a better understanding of the statement and the exact quote). I think one of my insecurities (and the only reason I have recognized it, is because I think my father suffers from it as well). I am afraid to be completely happy. I think as long as I have a piece of the puzzle (that is my life's happiness) missing I will actually always fell complete. crazy I know. I guess as long as something is going wrong I feel like things are going right.
I was talking to a friend (my traveling buddy) because we are so much alike so when I stuff she makes it make since. So I was telling her that I don't think I could be someones wife and/or mother. she said actually we can but we just say that. and I think its true. For me right now I am truly bless, I have a job that I enjoy, I have loving family, I have education, I have shelter, I have God, I am Blessed beyond measure. I however don't have anyone to share my blessings with. Like for example, I say how am jealous of my friend for being in Egypt, truth be told even if I were to go, I would have anyone to share it with other than friends and family. Now don't get me wrong that is always good but its not the same.
I have accomplished many things in my life and my friends and family have been there, but I can't think of the last time I had someone special to share, you know share with. Actually as I think back I think the last time that happened was two times (my 21st birthday and when I received an award for my leadership and diversity skills in college), my mom came down, actually she and my boyfriend got together and surprised me, cause I didn't know I was even getting the award. Dick Gregory presented to me and we plus my roommate went out to eat. And for my 21st birthday (which is big shit) this same boyfriend was there with me at midnight, okay blah blah blah you get the point.
I really think that's how its suppose to be, I mean I think people can have it all but I am truly afraid what if I do get it all. I am will be so susceptible to loosing so much.
So when Aaron said what if you had the best time of your life I thinking "RUN FREESPEECH RUN!!!"
Okay I am gonna eat and try to wrap up my daily reading (ie police reports), and get ready to go to Hip Hop night. I mean I did give my word to like 3 people that I would be there.
Okay I did it last night, I got dressed, got in my car, went to the door, paid my money to get in, walked down a long corridor, turned right, ended up in front of a stage (with drummer and congo man) walked around to the bar and saw 2 people I knew and met a host of others. I have always said when I get to the point where I can go out by myself I will be truly independent. And last night was the first step, I actually got invited to a hip hop night (like back in college (i hope)), so I may be venturing out again. I will however limit my going out (Sunday-Thursday) to one day cause I was struggling today at work. This only means I really need to get on a schedule and not waste time at work and at home and get adequate sleep during the week and not wait for the weekend. Just like I don't like doing chores on the weekend I need to get the same way about sleep.
I talked to my best friend today. I hope I didn't make her feel bad. I kept telling her how jealous and how much I hated her cause she was in Egypt. I really didn't mean it, I am truly happy for her and hopes she has the best time, plus work of course. She started to apologize for 'bragging' and I told her I was really happy for her and I meant it.
I spoke with Aaron today (I know, I know) I will say I do fancy him. That is so Reba McIntyre (never mind if you aren't into country). He asked me today what if I have the best time of my life when we go out. I told him I would definitely have to leave him alone. So this is my thought provoking thought for the evening, we all have insecurities, whats yours?
Okay not sure if many of you have seen Sex in the City the Movie but Charlotte says something in the movie to the effect "my life is so great I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop" (go see the movie and you will get a better understanding of the statement and the exact quote). I think one of my insecurities (and the only reason I have recognized it, is because I think my father suffers from it as well). I am afraid to be completely happy. I think as long as I have a piece of the puzzle (that is my life's happiness) missing I will actually always fell complete. crazy I know. I guess as long as something is going wrong I feel like things are going right.
I was talking to a friend (my traveling buddy) because we are so much alike so when I stuff she makes it make since. So I was telling her that I don't think I could be someones wife and/or mother. she said actually we can but we just say that. and I think its true. For me right now I am truly bless, I have a job that I enjoy, I have loving family, I have education, I have shelter, I have God, I am Blessed beyond measure. I however don't have anyone to share my blessings with. Like for example, I say how am jealous of my friend for being in Egypt, truth be told even if I were to go, I would have anyone to share it with other than friends and family. Now don't get me wrong that is always good but its not the same.
I have accomplished many things in my life and my friends and family have been there, but I can't think of the last time I had someone special to share, you know share with. Actually as I think back I think the last time that happened was two times (my 21st birthday and when I received an award for my leadership and diversity skills in college), my mom came down, actually she and my boyfriend got together and surprised me, cause I didn't know I was even getting the award. Dick Gregory presented to me and we plus my roommate went out to eat. And for my 21st birthday (which is big shit) this same boyfriend was there with me at midnight, okay blah blah blah you get the point.
I really think that's how its suppose to be, I mean I think people can have it all but I am truly afraid what if I do get it all. I am will be so susceptible to loosing so much.
So when Aaron said what if you had the best time of your life I thinking "RUN FREESPEECH RUN!!!"
Okay I am gonna eat and try to wrap up my daily reading (ie police reports), and get ready to go to Hip Hop night. I mean I did give my word to like 3 people that I would be there.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Today was a pretty good day.....
I love my gynecologist....yeah I know to much information. But those that don't know I am somewhat neurotic and I need to have a good relationship with my health care providers. So far I love my dentist, I love my opthamologist and now i love my gynecologist. I will say I did fall asleep in waiting room. They were playing Regina Belle, there was no crying kids or anything like that it was truly peaceful and I didn't sleep the entire night, I woke up at like 4 am. Well anyway I have learned that its important to love your doctors and I am working on being a better consumer. My doctors back home work good and I liked them, but I didn't ask questions, I didn't really talk to them but learned I was doing myself a disservice so now its on. I should get the results of my test in like 3 weeks.
I even talked to her about getting a breast reduction. For those that don't know I so want to get the girls reduced. If I thought they would let me I would be a good A cup, but hey just to be able to buy my bras out of Victoria's Secret would be good. Well she told me that if I want to breast feed, which I do I needed to wait. So then I asked her if I get my reduction, can they grow back, she said yes if I were to become pregnant, it is possible that they could grow back. OH HELL NAW. So I have decided to wait until maybe 35 and just shut the warehouse down and get the girls reduced then. As I say that, I am going back and forth about it but 39 is it cause I don't want to be having kids at 40.
Okay I know I talked about this earlier and why I wasn't blogging more regularly over the past month. But I have advanced to the next level to be an online professor. I am so excited. My next phase is to teach 2 classes with a mentor. If that goes well I will be invited to become part of the faculty. I was looking at my course and I think I may be able to handle this. I will be teaching Criminal Procedure and the info is voluminous but I think I can do it. I am now just waiting on payroll to contact so I can get my money straight and then I have to set up when I will start "teaching". Hopefully I can start the first week of August. I signed up for a 6-week Dialogue on Race program and I really want to do it and I don't know when I will be able to do it once I start teaching.
Today, I spoke with Aaron. I was at my desk trying to get to Dr. office and he popped on my screen. So I told him I was headed out and asked if I could call him instead. So we talked a bit about his day and he was telling me that he was trying to get things straight with the airlines for his flight(s) back to the states and then NOLA. He was saying how ridiculous the prices were and what night. I will say and this does and doesn't happen often, I look forward to chatting with him. Nothing major, cause we all know I am so the hare in relationships and not the tortoise. So we will see how long he keeps me interested? That's the true challenge.
We were talking and he called me selfish, cause I didn't tell my best friend he said hello. I mean she is my best friend and not his. Why would I tell her that? Okay so I am a little selfish, but we are just friends, why do I have to share my friends with him? So not fair. Okay this is the kinda ish that makes me lose interest---sharing and shit. Next he is gonna want me to play nice with others, speaking of which he tells that if I am gonna be making flip comments to him, I better be prepared to get flip responses from him. WTF???? Ugh, we don't need to be bringing affirmative action in to this. I do what I want and you do what I like. You can't do what I do? Alright, sharing, playing nice, this shit is getting ridiculous.
Okay I am up, just had a nap, it wasn't all that good though. My plan is to clean up, do a little work, get dressed and head out. Yes sir, yes mam, I am gonna go out by myself. A true step towards my complete independence. I am going to see a live band. So I hope I don't chicken out.
If not I will tell you guys all about it.
I even talked to her about getting a breast reduction. For those that don't know I so want to get the girls reduced. If I thought they would let me I would be a good A cup, but hey just to be able to buy my bras out of Victoria's Secret would be good. Well she told me that if I want to breast feed, which I do I needed to wait. So then I asked her if I get my reduction, can they grow back, she said yes if I were to become pregnant, it is possible that they could grow back. OH HELL NAW. So I have decided to wait until maybe 35 and just shut the warehouse down and get the girls reduced then. As I say that, I am going back and forth about it but 39 is it cause I don't want to be having kids at 40.
Okay I know I talked about this earlier and why I wasn't blogging more regularly over the past month. But I have advanced to the next level to be an online professor. I am so excited. My next phase is to teach 2 classes with a mentor. If that goes well I will be invited to become part of the faculty. I was looking at my course and I think I may be able to handle this. I will be teaching Criminal Procedure and the info is voluminous but I think I can do it. I am now just waiting on payroll to contact so I can get my money straight and then I have to set up when I will start "teaching". Hopefully I can start the first week of August. I signed up for a 6-week Dialogue on Race program and I really want to do it and I don't know when I will be able to do it once I start teaching.
Today, I spoke with Aaron. I was at my desk trying to get to Dr. office and he popped on my screen. So I told him I was headed out and asked if I could call him instead. So we talked a bit about his day and he was telling me that he was trying to get things straight with the airlines for his flight(s) back to the states and then NOLA. He was saying how ridiculous the prices were and what night. I will say and this does and doesn't happen often, I look forward to chatting with him. Nothing major, cause we all know I am so the hare in relationships and not the tortoise. So we will see how long he keeps me interested? That's the true challenge.
We were talking and he called me selfish, cause I didn't tell my best friend he said hello. I mean she is my best friend and not his. Why would I tell her that? Okay so I am a little selfish, but we are just friends, why do I have to share my friends with him? So not fair. Okay this is the kinda ish that makes me lose interest---sharing and shit. Next he is gonna want me to play nice with others, speaking of which he tells that if I am gonna be making flip comments to him, I better be prepared to get flip responses from him. WTF???? Ugh, we don't need to be bringing affirmative action in to this. I do what I want and you do what I like. You can't do what I do? Alright, sharing, playing nice, this shit is getting ridiculous.
Okay I am up, just had a nap, it wasn't all that good though. My plan is to clean up, do a little work, get dressed and head out. Yes sir, yes mam, I am gonna go out by myself. A true step towards my complete independence. I am going to see a live band. So I hope I don't chicken out.
If not I will tell you guys all about it.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I'm so jealous
I have a best friend and I swore she is the luckiest bitch in the world. Today I send her a random email asking if she the husband and kid were coming here for Father's Day, she emails me back and says no she wasn't but husband and child were, that she had just landed in Cairo (yes you read it right, Cairo as in Egypt (not Egypt Texas)) but Egypt, like the mother land, pyramids, sphinx and shit......I say she is lucky because I swore she never does any work. I tell her she is like Tommy off of Martin, she says she has a job but I wonder all she does is travel. Before she got this job she had that allowed her to work from home, she would travel. I know she has been to Brazil, Russia, Italy, Ireland, India, Barbados, and the Cayman Islands (yeah all in the name of work). So she says. Okay I am know longer jealous, I am actually happy for her, I just live vicariously through, hell I don't even have a passport. Okay on to other things.
Today I had to apologize to some of my co-workers. Let me first say I don't have a problem working, but I do have a problem being the only person working and yesterday I was DONE!!! I just left work 2 hours early and went home and ate (hence the extra weight) and took a nap. Is it wrong to apologize but not want to hear the other person's response. Today while I was apologizing to the receptionist she started talking to me about the situation.....I wanted to say Damnnit I just apologize can't you just accept it and move on, but no she kept running her mouth, it almost made me want to take back my apology.
I think I may have a date 4th July weekend. I was online today and Aaron, IM'd me, to say he would be in the country in July and asked what I was doing. Honestly, I was gonna go see the family Thursday after work and come back either Saturday or Sunday. My dilemma was that I have my 2nd to last class for belly dancing that Sunday at noon and in order to make it I would have to leave my mom around 6 or 7 in the morning. If I did that I would miss church both here and with my family. I could leave Saturday, but then I wouldn't get to spend all of Saturday with my mom. If I went to church with my mom I would miss my class and get here late for my 'date' and that would put Aaron going back to NOLA late. So I think I may just come home Saturday night go to church and dance class and have an early 'date'. I tripping cause I can't remember the last 'date' I had?????
Well this week I am gonna work on my independence....I know you are thinking I thought you were wholly independent already...and yes/no. I have one thing that I just haven't been able to do and that's go out by myself. So I have 3 events this week. That will allow me to make the complete independent move....I will post about them later and hopefully I can say I have done them. Wish me luck!!!
I think that is enough for today.....
Today I had to apologize to some of my co-workers. Let me first say I don't have a problem working, but I do have a problem being the only person working and yesterday I was DONE!!! I just left work 2 hours early and went home and ate (hence the extra weight) and took a nap. Is it wrong to apologize but not want to hear the other person's response. Today while I was apologizing to the receptionist she started talking to me about the situation.....I wanted to say Damnnit I just apologize can't you just accept it and move on, but no she kept running her mouth, it almost made me want to take back my apology.
I think I may have a date 4th July weekend. I was online today and Aaron, IM'd me, to say he would be in the country in July and asked what I was doing. Honestly, I was gonna go see the family Thursday after work and come back either Saturday or Sunday. My dilemma was that I have my 2nd to last class for belly dancing that Sunday at noon and in order to make it I would have to leave my mom around 6 or 7 in the morning. If I did that I would miss church both here and with my family. I could leave Saturday, but then I wouldn't get to spend all of Saturday with my mom. If I went to church with my mom I would miss my class and get here late for my 'date' and that would put Aaron going back to NOLA late. So I think I may just come home Saturday night go to church and dance class and have an early 'date'. I tripping cause I can't remember the last 'date' I had?????
Well this week I am gonna work on my independence....I know you are thinking I thought you were wholly independent already...and yes/no. I have one thing that I just haven't been able to do and that's go out by myself. So I have 3 events this week. That will allow me to make the complete independent move....I will post about them later and hopefully I can say I have done them. Wish me luck!!!
I think that is enough for today.....
Monday, June 9, 2008
Today I laughed outloud
I think I have written before about the stuff that comes across my desk. Today I laughed out loud. The report read as follows: Officers responded to an anonymous complaint of a person on the bus stop bench. Dispacth advised that the person may be be dead. The defendant had numerous layers of clothing on, a wig, a ski cap and gloves on. He was sleeping on the bus stop bench. Something just came over me when I read that. Oh I forgot to tell you he had a bottle of Thunderbird and it was May.....
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Okay I am back...
I just completed my last entry on Friday for my online professor training. So now I will have to wait and see how I did. It was 4 weeks long and the past 3 weeks I have had favorable reviews, now I will say this last week was a Beast. So I hope its an overall assessment and my last exercise doesn't flush everything I have done down the toliet.
So what's been happening... (let's work back)
This weekend was perfect. The lazy azz in me could not have planned a better weekend. Today I got up and went to church, I actually stayed after and fellowshiped. I have decided Iam gonna go to Vacation Bible School and slowly move towards getting involved. I think this new found intererst was sparked by a conversation I had with an ole' classmate from college. I will get to that later. After church, I was a big girl and didn't take a nap, I did somethings around my house, mainly change clothes, eat, and sweep. So then it was off to bellydancing. Okay let me say this, I think I have an inner dancer that is just waiting to get out, but because I live a life of indifference and fear of failing I don't bother. I can remember being in Jr. High school and all the girls in 7th grade talked about all these dance lessons they were taking, Tap, Jazz, Ballet, Hip-Hop, Modern and how they were looking forward to trying out for cheerleading and dance team. I never even thought about these things, I did have friends at the rival jr. high school who had made cheerleading and I was practice in the yard with them, nothing serious though. I would just be there pretty much for a good laugh (I mean they laughing at me). So anyway we all try out that year and NOT AN EIGHTH Grader made it that year. So we all tried out for dance team and made it. Well anyway I was on the dance team and had never really dance in my life, but the routines were rather easy. hell when you don' t know what you're doing its all easy. I had never heard of Pas de bourrée, yet alone done it but when some body said "back-side-front" I had it. Well I made the "drill team" and it was on I started hanging out with a different group of people who exposed me to new and different things and one of those things were dance class. Yes I was the only black person, unless you count the hip-hop dance instructor with the purple contacts AJ. My mom enrolled me in Tap, Jazz, Ballet, Modern and Hip-Hop. I will say I was dancing with people who had been doing this since like 3 and I am was maybe 12 or 13. Well I got in and for some reason I started picking up things, shuffle step ball chain, leaps turns whatever, it was even to the point the owners told my mom I was a natural. Now I have to say though I had the moves I didn't have the technique. I also saw what "true" dancers were like and I just wasn't that serious about it. Okay I digress, I was talking about my bellydancing class. I went to my first class and it was fun, it was an hour and the time went by super fast. I even worked up a sweat, I have 5 more weeks of it and I am looking forward to that. So after bellydancing I came home and took a little nap, got up showered and went to a debutante tea. Now I never was a deb so I am not sure how this all works, but it was cool. I came home watch a movie and now I am here.
Saturday....was wonderful. I woke up around 11 am and played around on the computer. I did call a friend and tell her congrats on her new baby boy and said that I may come see her, but I didn't may do it this week she will be home. Now as I was on the Internet I get a message from an old classmate from college. This is his backstory....Aaron (not his real name) was one of the first people I met when I got to college, we were in a program together, I actually quit the program for some reason. Well anyway I met Aaron in the program the first week before classes started. He was from New Orleans and I thought his accent was cute, not to mention I found him attractive (but I had a boyfriend so it didn't matter). So some how discussion came up about this block party they were having across campus and he asked me if I were going. I don't remember my response, but some how I ended up going. I met some of his friends were from New Orleans and they gave me a hard time about being from Arkansas. College was a culture shock, I had not been at a school with some many people that looked like me. So we go to this block party and they are playing alot of local music, which was foreign to me. Well this one song came on by MC Nero "gota lotta respect" and he and his boys went crazy. Where I came from guys didn't really dance, but Aaron got down (that sounds so old), I just remember standing there in amazment. Well once classes got started we went our seperate ways. I think I did however end up being partners in a class with him, he came over to my dorm room (I think I was seeing somebody then) so we could work on a project. I remeber saying as we were working on this project, ugh you may want to find another partner, cause I am dropping this class. I remeber him trying to conveince me not to but it didn't happen.. Well anyway we graduated and NOTHING...until yesterday. I get an IM from him asking me whats up and we make small talk, he tells me he is in another country but lives in Maryland and then he tells me that he had a crush on me in college. I am like WOW. He then tells me how I got high society and seem to relish in the college life. I then questions me about a guy I dated and a guy I occupied time with while in college. When I tell you we talked the entire day we talked the entire day. We talked about everything. Well one of the things we talked about is my indifference to alot of things. IT WAS GREAT!!! Catching up and what not. Not sure if we will even talk again but it was great to just talk to someone about randomness. He did say one thing that will stick with me he said I had a "dynamic personality". Now I have been called alot of things crazy, wild, unpredictable, bitch, mean, insensitive, but this for some reason stuck with me.
Friday was okay. I went to work and left early. I did have an interesting trial. I had a woman accused of beating her boyfriend with a fan belt. Well she got on the stand and admited having had something to drink and not sleeping prior to coming to court. That was after should told me about her drinking and mixing prescription drug. So after that I went back to my office (oh she was found guilty of battery and disturbing the peace by intoxication) did a little work and went home and finished up my online training and went to sleep. I got up and washed clothes and caught up on Hereos until like 4:30 a.m.
I finally got to see the lost episode of the bondocks..it was great.
Okay, I guess I will go to bed now. I will have more catching up to do.
So what's been happening... (let's work back)
This weekend was perfect. The lazy azz in me could not have planned a better weekend. Today I got up and went to church, I actually stayed after and fellowshiped. I have decided Iam gonna go to Vacation Bible School and slowly move towards getting involved. I think this new found intererst was sparked by a conversation I had with an ole' classmate from college. I will get to that later. After church, I was a big girl and didn't take a nap, I did somethings around my house, mainly change clothes, eat, and sweep. So then it was off to bellydancing. Okay let me say this, I think I have an inner dancer that is just waiting to get out, but because I live a life of indifference and fear of failing I don't bother. I can remember being in Jr. High school and all the girls in 7th grade talked about all these dance lessons they were taking, Tap, Jazz, Ballet, Hip-Hop, Modern and how they were looking forward to trying out for cheerleading and dance team. I never even thought about these things, I did have friends at the rival jr. high school who had made cheerleading and I was practice in the yard with them, nothing serious though. I would just be there pretty much for a good laugh (I mean they laughing at me). So anyway we all try out that year and NOT AN EIGHTH Grader made it that year. So we all tried out for dance team and made it. Well anyway I was on the dance team and had never really dance in my life, but the routines were rather easy. hell when you don' t know what you're doing its all easy. I had never heard of Pas de bourrée, yet alone done it but when some body said "back-side-front" I had it. Well I made the "drill team" and it was on I started hanging out with a different group of people who exposed me to new and different things and one of those things were dance class. Yes I was the only black person, unless you count the hip-hop dance instructor with the purple contacts AJ. My mom enrolled me in Tap, Jazz, Ballet, Modern and Hip-Hop. I will say I was dancing with people who had been doing this since like 3 and I am was maybe 12 or 13. Well I got in and for some reason I started picking up things, shuffle step ball chain, leaps turns whatever, it was even to the point the owners told my mom I was a natural. Now I have to say though I had the moves I didn't have the technique. I also saw what "true" dancers were like and I just wasn't that serious about it. Okay I digress, I was talking about my bellydancing class. I went to my first class and it was fun, it was an hour and the time went by super fast. I even worked up a sweat, I have 5 more weeks of it and I am looking forward to that. So after bellydancing I came home and took a little nap, got up showered and went to a debutante tea. Now I never was a deb so I am not sure how this all works, but it was cool. I came home watch a movie and now I am here.
Saturday....was wonderful. I woke up around 11 am and played around on the computer. I did call a friend and tell her congrats on her new baby boy and said that I may come see her, but I didn't may do it this week she will be home. Now as I was on the Internet I get a message from an old classmate from college. This is his backstory....Aaron (not his real name) was one of the first people I met when I got to college, we were in a program together, I actually quit the program for some reason. Well anyway I met Aaron in the program the first week before classes started. He was from New Orleans and I thought his accent was cute, not to mention I found him attractive (but I had a boyfriend so it didn't matter). So some how discussion came up about this block party they were having across campus and he asked me if I were going. I don't remember my response, but some how I ended up going. I met some of his friends were from New Orleans and they gave me a hard time about being from Arkansas. College was a culture shock, I had not been at a school with some many people that looked like me. So we go to this block party and they are playing alot of local music, which was foreign to me. Well this one song came on by MC Nero "gota lotta respect" and he and his boys went crazy. Where I came from guys didn't really dance, but Aaron got down (that sounds so old), I just remember standing there in amazment. Well once classes got started we went our seperate ways. I think I did however end up being partners in a class with him, he came over to my dorm room (I think I was seeing somebody then) so we could work on a project. I remeber saying as we were working on this project, ugh you may want to find another partner, cause I am dropping this class. I remeber him trying to conveince me not to but it didn't happen.
Friday was okay. I went to work and left early. I did have an interesting trial. I had a woman accused of beating her boyfriend with a fan belt. Well she got on the stand and admited having had something to drink and not sleeping prior to coming to court. That was after should told me about her drinking and mixing prescription drug. So after that I went back to my office (oh she was found guilty of battery and disturbing the peace by intoxication) did a little work and went home and finished up my online training and went to sleep. I got up and washed clothes and caught up on Hereos until like 4:30 a.m.
I finally got to see the lost episode of the bondocks..it was great.
Okay, I guess I will go to bed now. I will have more catching up to do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
