1st Step to Complete Independence

A couple of things...

Okay I did it last night, I got dressed, got in my car, went to the door, paid my money to get in, walked down a long corridor, turned right, ended up in front of a stage (with drummer and congo man) walked around to the bar and saw 2 people I knew and met a host of others. I have always said when I get to the point where I can go out by myself I will be truly independent. And last night was the first step, I actually got invited to a hip hop night (like back in college (i hope)), so I may be venturing out again. I will however limit my going out (Sunday-Thursday) to one day cause I was struggling today at work. This only means I really need to get on a schedule and not waste time at work and at home and get adequate sleep during the week and not wait for the weekend. Just like I don't like doing chores on the weekend I need to get the same way about sleep.

I talked to my best friend today. I hope I didn't make her feel bad. I kept telling her how jealous and how much I hated her cause she was in Egypt. I really didn't mean it, I am truly happy for her and hopes she has the best time, plus work of course. She started to apologize for 'bragging' and I told her I was really happy for her and I meant it.

I spoke with Aaron today (I know, I know) I will say I do fancy him. That is so Reba McIntyre (never mind if you aren't into country). He asked me today what if I have the best time of my life when we go out. I told him I would definitely have to leave him alone. So this is my thought provoking thought for the evening, we all have insecurities, whats yours?

Okay not sure if many of you have seen Sex in the City the Movie but Charlotte says something in the movie to the effect "my life is so great I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop" (go see the movie and you will get a better understanding of the statement and the exact quote). I think one of my insecurities (and the only reason I have recognized it, is because I think my father suffers from it as well). I am afraid to be completely happy. I think as long as I have a piece of the puzzle (that is my life's happiness) missing I will actually always fell complete. crazy I know. I guess as long as something is going wrong I feel like things are going right.
I was talking to a friend (my traveling buddy) because we are so much alike so when I stuff she makes it make since. So I was telling her that I don't think I could be someones wife and/or mother. she said actually we can but we just say that. and I think its true. For me right now I am truly bless, I have a job that I enjoy, I have loving family, I have education, I have shelter, I have God, I am Blessed beyond measure. I however don't have anyone to share my blessings with. Like for example, I say how am jealous of my friend for being in Egypt, truth be told even if I were to go, I would have anyone to share it with other than friends and family. Now don't get me wrong that is always good but its not the same.
I have accomplished many things in my life and my friends and family have been there, but I can't think of the last time I had someone special to share, you know share with. Actually as I think back I think the last time that happened was two times (my 21st birthday and when I received an award for my leadership and diversity skills in college), my mom came down, actually she and my boyfriend got together and surprised me, cause I didn't know I was even getting the award. Dick Gregory presented to me and we plus my roommate went out to eat. And for my 21st birthday (which is big shit) this same boyfriend was there with me at midnight, okay blah blah blah you get the point.
I really think that's how its suppose to be, I mean I think people can have it all but I am truly afraid what if I do get it all. I am will be so susceptible to loosing so much.
So when Aaron said what if you had the best time of your life I thinking "RUN FREESPEECH RUN!!!"

Okay I am gonna eat and try to wrap up my daily reading (ie police reports), and get ready to go to Hip Hop night. I mean I did give my word to like 3 people that I would be there.