My insecurities....

Okay I spoke the other day about how the thought of Aaron makes a lot of my insecurities flare up. So lets see if I can flush this out with myself and address them. I told you all I am my own therapist.

Okay about me. Growing up I never thought about getting married, having kids or anything like that. I once met someone I loved? and thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I almost postponed my graduation for him so that we could graduate together, move to St. Louis so he could do grad school and I do whatever was needed to make the relationship work, if that meant go to grad school as well or work while he was in grad school or raise our family while he was in grad school. Now mind you we talked about marriage, but it was never my understanding that we were going as husband and wife but that we were going together. Well circumstances came about that ended our relationship. I found out that he was not completely loyal to me (not sure if he had sex with the girl or what actually happened between but whatever it was I found it wholely inappropriate if I was his girlfriend and the woman he was planning a future with). Well once I found that I lost my mind, I had decided that I was going to this chick residence and cut all of her hair off and mail it to him where he was. So I pack my bag with scissors and zip lock bag in tow, I go to her place of residence only to be told that she isn't there. I go back to her place and the door is open, I go in and take a seat. So I am sitting in this girls residence in the door in front of the door, so I am the first thing she sees when she walks in and turns on the light. Well, I can say it was nothing but the Grace of God, that had my friend suggest we run down stairs so she could check her email and come back before she gets back, cause she was tired of waiting. So we go check her email and as I am waiting she comes home. So I go back and ask her roommate to leave and go smooth off.... I can't really remember all I said to her, but I remember thinking she thinks this is a game. I told her that I would hang her from a tree, and I had figured that I would do it with the sheet from her bed at the tree outside her window. Well I didn't hang her but I did scare the life out of her. Had some questions to answer with the law and almost didn't graduate. But THANKS BE TO GOD, cause it was nothing but him, i was completely emotional and out of control.

So to my insecurities....

1.) I am afraid to ever care about someone so much that I lose myself. I am not sure if I can care or love someone again, because if I get hurt I am not sure how I will handle it. I never want to feel like that again. A hurt that goes to sleep with you, wakes up with you. Its almost like in the cartoons with the dark cloud that just follows you around. I mean I did everything to make it go away. I went to the gym, I drank, I fucked, I worked, I cried, I sought revenge, I did everything except drugs. I can honestly say that it wasn't until like within the last year that I was completely over it all. The love, the hurt, the circumstances that lead to the end of our relationship. I had suppressed and denied myself for so long that one day was like I am so done with this yeah like 7 years latter, talk about baggage.

2.) I am afraid of loosing control. I pride myself on controlling people and situations. I hold all the cards and ration them out as I see fit. and take them back as well. I would love to be the young naive chick I once was. Be able to submit to a man but now the thought of that makes me want to cry. I feel trapped and suffocating to even think about being in such a situation.

3.) Fear of abandonment. I have abandonment issues. I don't know if I can handle a relationship. I can't stand to be "neglected" for any period of time. I become neurotic, does he still like me, is he mad at me, does he want to stop seeing me? I then start playing our last conversations over in my mind wondering where I went wrong, critiquing everything analysing every statement to the point I am exhausted and want out because I don't want him to break it off with me first.

4.) The one issue I want blog about because I think its to personal.

5.) Fear of commitment. I am afraid that I am my father's child. My father hasn't been faithful to anyone that I have known him to be with. I am sure he has his spin on it but NO HE HASN'T. I am afraid that my father's, grandfather's and great grandfather's genes will kick in and I will either be like them or marry someone like them. And looking at my mother's mother I and my dad's mother I may be in trouble. I am afraid of my genes. I love my family be with the good comes the bad. I don't think I would intentionally hurt my mate, but I do believe I am susceptible to poor judgment here and there, which would destroy my current situations.

What else...
Well like I said I have never seen myself with husband and kids. However anyone that I get serious with must understand my relationship with my mother. She is my heart, my backbone, my support. We have a very "strange" relationship and you just have to accept it for what it is. She is the most important person on this earth to me and everyone else comes after. If you are lucky you can be the second most important person in my life. My mother has done so much for me, she has sacrificed so much so that I can have and it is my responsibility to make sure she has everything she wants, needs and desires. Now occasionally she gets a little out of hand and I have to lay down the law. I am an only child so when it gets to a point that she can't take care of herself it will be my responsibility, and there is no if ands buts about it. My mother doesn't want to be put in a nursing home and I will do my damnedest to make sure that never happens. So with that being said, about 2.5 years ago my mother and i (kinda) purchased a townhouse. While we were living together, I was able to pay off all my credit card and my car off. I was then in a position to help her attack this mortgage aggressively, but then I moved. So I have figured that if I get financially strick we can pay this mortgage off in 5 years, as well as both of our cars. So what has that meant I am not buying furniture for my current place, I don't plan on spending unnecessary monies. I am gonna budget, budget budget. I have not factored a man into my life, nor a long distant relationship, nor kids (they would need a budget all by themselves) nor a wedding and all those damn expenses.

With all that being said lets bring it home. I have been thinking about Aaron, only because he makes my insecurities flare up. I want to get to know him, but I can't invite him to my place- I don't have cable, I don't have furniture (I have a futon, a bed, a old TV with no remote, a DVD player, a breakfast nook with 2 stools; my clothes are in Tupperware tubs and luggage; not a picture on the wall; I don't cook nor buy like serious groceries, I mean I could go on) I live like a true pauper. Then he is in an area currently that is 7 hours (yes 7 hours) difference in time. This is only a recipe for tragedy. Then I think he may be interested in the person he knew, knew of in college. I am like 50+lbs. heavier, with baggage, poor communication skills, 10 years of life kicking my ass---- pretty much a horrible candidate to invest time, emotion and energy in. *I throw my hands up*
This is so not something I want to do......I just want to be left alone, I want to cancel, I want to cut all communication, I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I AM SO MY FATHER'S CHILD, I'm cursed this is my punishment for all, foul, ill, wrong shit I have done and my ancestors.............................................................................................................................................................

I am so not a match for anyone, this dude is so out of my league, what the hell am i thinking? I am gonna do nothing my aggravate, frustrate him and ruin the decent friendship we currently have.