Domestic Duty

Well today was pretty productive and not so productive.

I got up this morning around 8 a.m. and took my car to Firestone to have it serviced and my oil changed. Damn near cost me $100 cause they don't do the package that I would always get. I then walked home and washed clothes followed by cleaning my house then going to get my car and going to Wal-mart to pick up my prescription and some other stuff. I then came home and put some crab cakes in the oven and some broccoli in the microwave for dinner. I then took my medication and laid down. I was suppose to go to church but wasn't up for it, then my mother called and another friend. So I am sitting my bed thinking about some things.

Last night I called an ole friend of mines. I am not sure if I ever talked about him on her, cause he is my best kept secret. I met him the summer after my first year in law school. He was everything I could want in someone except he was engaged. I tried my hardest to not get involved with him but I lost that battle. We occupied each others time for that summer, fall and spring. By the time spring came I was head over hells in love with him, and I couldn't stand the thought of being in love with somebodies elses man. I think after a while he took me serious about having to leave him alone. I think that came after I asked him to pick up something I needed for class. Well he came by and brought me what I needed, well we were sitting in my place I in my recliner and he on my sofa. He asked me why I was sitting so far from him and wanted me to come sit next to him. I initially refused but I couldn't tell him no. Well I moved over and he touched me and I just started crying. Yeah so not my mode of operation. I think he was taken back by it and I don't really recall what happened next but I don't recall him staying long. Well after we still talked but he gave me my distance. That summer (after my second year) I went home for the summer and worked and he got married. My last year of law school we still talked but not like before because he was married and I was respecting his marriage as was he. Well I graduated and we maintained contact but nothing serious. He would occasionally try to reminisce about days pass but I wasn't for it. I would come back to Baton Rouge and for some reason never seem to be able to see him while here. He came to Shreveport once and we went out to dinner and it was nice. I thought I was over him and that we could be friends. So we were staying our good byes and then he offers that I come back to his room. I took it as lets hook up but he meant lets continue this conversation no strings. I think the expression on my face said it all cause he quickly clarified what he meant, but I declined and went home. I must say as I was headed home I considered turning around and all those feelings that I thought were gone/controlled whatever came back. Well I had to distance myself from him again we would talk occasionally and one day he got me again. We were on the phone just shooting the shit and he tells me he misses me. I am like DAMN, something I wanted to hear but something I never wanted him to say. Well anyway we maintain our friendship till this day. When I moved back we went out for drinks with one of his former employers and his friend. I didn't drink but we talked that night and somewhat laid our boundaries. He really tries to make me a friend, he has invited me to his daughter birthday party and other stuff. I just don't feel comfortable being in his house, in his daughter or his wife for that matters face. Well I am saying all this to say. Today we talked. He was returning my call from yesterday. He gives me a hard time for all the sleeping I do, he was surprised that I was actually up when he called. I told him that I had gotten up to take my car for an oil change and new windshield wipers. He says he is gonna have to show me how to change my own windshield wipers so I don't have to pay for it, cause its to easy. So we talk about a few other things and we get off the phone. We always gives me shit about not washing my car, so I took my car through a car wash today and had to call him to report that I have washed my car, since it hasn't been washed since September if I had to guess. Well anyway he calls me back tonight while he is driving home and I tell him about how productive I was and I even slightly cooked. He makes the comment, look at you trying to be wifey material. So we start talking about why I haven't join this particular organization that he wants me to join and help "build" back up. In the process of his conversation he starts (what I perceived) fussing at me, and for the first time I felt like I had to put him in his place and correct him. I received it well and we moved on. I am typing all this to say I still love this dude, will I ever be able to shake that feeling. I don't want to do anything to disrespect his marriage and the fact that he has a daughter adds to that feeling. I have always said I will not be one of those women that my dad dealt with. I know how seeing your father in certain lights affects little girls and I don't ever want to contribute to that. I don't want to loose his friendship and I sure as hell can't say anything to him about it. I just want IT to go away and I be able to be platonic friends. UGH!!!

I mentioned that I went to pick up my prescription. I am not sure if I told you all that my last prescription was $45, and I told my doctor this was unacceptable. I couldn't afford to keep this up, but I wanted to stay on the medication until I got my fasting insulin under 10. So she offers me the generic. I am here to report the pharmaceutical company is a racket. Guess how much my prescription is now.....$3.88. I was just as shocked as you. How do people without insurance or on fixed incomes survive. Now mind you when I initially asked the pharmacist says there wasn't a generic. She is in on the racket too.

Oh my I also picked up some Zyrtec-D and do you know those bitches put me in the Federal Government's database. I hate that. I just want to fuckin breath and now I am in the Federal Government's database. I aint making Meth. I hate being in somebodies database. I HATE IT!!! Can't trust the government, I love Obama but you can't trust em'.

I also had another interesting conversation, with Aaron. He made the statement that he is trying to wife me and I told him that I know and that scared the shit out of me. Then he says we do what we want to do for those we want. I personally thought that was non responsive to the conversation we were having. So we talked or better yet he talked. I feel like such a punk when I talk to him, cause I for some reason can't say what I am thinking I usually just sit there and listen and not really say much.

I think I am decided that its easier to be alone than to try and navigate men. I do get lonely and what to share myself with someone but this is to much. I never thought you could have it all, something has to be sacrificed and my sacrificed is love, companionship, all those things that come with being in a relationship. I don't think I am equipped to be someones girlfriend or wife.
I wish I could reboot and get reprogrammed but that's not gonna happen so I am aborting relationships. I am not bitter, thinking there are any great men out there cause that's not true i know some wonderful men, however i they are right for me or aren't available.

I have missed 2 Tuesday and a Sunday of church. I am not sure why I don't want to go. I haven't been able to pray. I kinda don't want to talk to God, and I know why. I know I am not doing what he wants and I am shame. I feel like I have gotten off track. He has blessed me over and forgiven me over and over. But somewhere I fell off the wagon and I am just laying here. I know if I ask for his help he will help me but I want and I don't know why. Maybe its because I am lusting after some woman's husband or ................................