Androphobia- pre college

Androphobia is the fear of men and yes that was me. I know that sounds really crazy but lets open that up. I am my own therapist and each comment you provides goes into my own personal case file for later use, so please comment.

Well I as I posted earlier an old friend of mines accused me of being shy and scary. Which I have to admit, I once was. So less dissect this and try to bring closure.

My relationship history:

My first ever boyfriend was in kindergarten I remember his name and everything, last I heard he was in the NFL. Well we will call him Dr. Spock. He was the fastest boy in my P.E. class and it only seemed right that I be his girlfriend cause I was the fastest girl in the class. But little did he know once I finally beat him racing I would no longer want to be his girlfriend. I think I liked him cause he was faster than me and just as smart as me. Well needless to say that relationship didn't go far.

The next relationship I recall was in 8th grade I dated this guy we will call him Nino Brown. Nino was really sweet to me however he was a thug. My mom liked him because she knew his family some what and thought he was a nice young man. Little did she know. I can remember sitting on the phone and he would sing Shai "If I ever" (I am dying laughing at that memory) and the relationship was good until he wanted to take it further with sex. Talk about afraid of the DICK, I was deathly afraid of it. Actually I was afraid of being pregnant. So we broke up cause I wasn't putting out.

The next guy I dated was this in 8th grade and he was a transfer from (hell I don't remember) I remember him being 6'5 and playing basketball. Well I really liked him and he was nice just tall and awkward-like. We dated for a while and well one day the question came up about me putting out, actually it started with me questioning him about these red marks on his neck and his response was you want do it I had to find somebody else. So we discussed this situation and I came to the decision that maybe I WAS wasting him time cause I wasn't putting out and I didn't want to hinder his sex life any longer. Just a note a few months later he started dating a friend of mines and I don't think she put out either, at least that's what she said, you can never tell, people lie so.

Lets see the the next guy I remember dating was this guy who harassed so when we were in elementary. Hell I think he made me cry. I don't really remember much about this guy so I will move on to the next. He was this white boy (yes I dated a white boy, it was 9th grade). We will call him House of Pain (HOP). HOP was this cool ass white boy who, was down for the cause (LOL--translation he listen to Cypress Hill and House of Pain, hell he knew more rap songs than me) The reason this relationship stuck out in my mind was because we had to hide our relationship from both of our parents cause D'militant wasn't haven't it (my mother) and David Duke (his father) would die right there on the spot if he knew the sweet young lady that called his house all the time was a colored gurl. It was funny cause that's when Bodyguard had come out with Whitney Houston and Kevin Coastner we felt like we could so relate to that movie. LOL!!!

okay prior to this relationship I am about to introduce I never thought I loved somebody and then I dialed his number (of course calling for his older brother). My freshman year we had a guy come and sit in on our class from the high school (I think he was going to college or something) well anyway he was trying to holla and gave me his number and I called. Well the guy I was calling for wasn't there and his little brother answered and some how we began talking. We will call him "Could this be love-NO" (Could this). Could this was a year ahead of me and was at the high school and we talked and began dating. We dated most of my 9th grade year and went to my Freshman prom and all. Well went through a lot (death of his best friend, some emotional things from his past, etc.) we were close. I would meet up at the skating rink and make out. We broke up right before I went the high school but we still like each other. Not sure why we broke up, but we did. We were in Student Council together and eventually he became President. We dated off and on and other people in between. Well like I said we experienced alot, but the final deal breaker was my decision to lose my virginity to someone else (I know you all thought I was still a virgin to this day) and even though we tried to work through that and pass that I don't think he ever forgave me for sleeping with as he would say a "Random Nigga" (oh I forgot Nigga is dead...per the NAACP....R.I.P Nigga) I must say this was the first time that I actually was hurt by a relationship and shit I didn't like it. I also learned that honest ain't the best policy. Random and I were friends (sounds familiar, see blog on pops) and Could this knew we were friends, hell they even talked to one another, even realized they had messed with some of the same girls (not me.....LOL!!!! so one thought). but I night I felt the need to be honest and tell him what was really going on. Do you know the (the dead word) block all my calls. WTF????? see that's the kind of shit that will have me at your door in footie's and a housecoat (LOL, not really). Well I haven't heard from him nor about him.

I think this is where I made my wrong turn. RANDOM. He was this bothersome, wearisome ass brother who tried to holla at ever one. That's what he was known for. Every time you saw him he was up in some girls face trying to holla. he was not the cutest thing, he was dark as 6 midnights, had a high top fade that was high as hell, BUT He had a body like WHOA.... he was the quarterback at his high school and was funny as hell. So I entertained him and one thing lead to another and well....let me back up before one thing lead to another he told me he was going to break up with his girlfriend and be with me (now why did i think that cause i knew he was going to see her after he left me, cause he had to return her car) and I believed him. Well I learned a lot from him never trust a big dick and a smile plus a body like whoa you will get hurt every time. Of course he didn't break up with her, but he still wanted to have me around (SERIOUSLY??) I had to learn my game face (which he taught me). I had to muster up the strength with him on top of me naked as a jay bird to say these words (I AM NOT THAT IN TO YOU, THIS IS DOING NOTHING FOR ME COULD YOU PLEASE GET OFF OF ME I NEED TO GO IRON MY CLOTHES FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW). of course he looks at me with this dumb look and he responds don't be mad at me, stop playing i respond (I AM NOT PLAYIN" I AM SERIOUS) with my game face on and he moves and I proceed to go iron my clothes for school. He tries to talk to me and he realizes that he had created a monster, he acknowledge that I was no longer the shy gyrl he knew and that he was proud of me for not letting him play me and he wished me the best the luck. I will say at the time I was so confused but I have later resolved that what RANDOM was saying is game recognizes game and now you know what it feels like to be play'd never let it happen again. Till this day people see him and say that he asks about me (though he's married).

Now before I graduated from high school I encountered 3 interesting fellas: Shaft, Kwame' and his brother. Shaft was this guy I met not really sure how but my hometown was really small. Shaft had two older brothers, his oldest brother was my dance instructor (he taught Hip Hop) and he was best friends with this guy I occupied time with before Shaft. Now shaft and I had fun, he went to another school and a crazy ex sometimes current sometimes girlfriends. (now this girl had a brother who i used to talked to which was just crazy all around and she didn't like me from that cause she thought I was breaking up her brother and good friend, so needless to say she really didn't like me now that I was messing with her on/off boyfriend). But it wasn't my fault they came after me. Well anyway Shaft and I occupied time, and then his friend that I dated came home for holiday and they were together and it was really awkward. I didn't know they were close and his name never came up until that day. So I had to be honest and tell him how we knew each other. (who said honesty was the best policy) he eventually got over it, but he never looked at me the same and when we ended he told me that I would be back cause I was gonna get down there and get played and come back pregnant before I knew it. For some reason that just hit home and I vowed that would never happen to me that i would not give him the satisfaction of saying I TOLD YOU SO.
Now Kwame' and his brother were some progressive motherphuckers. I Kwame was a year or two older than me and his bother was like age I don't know but I can remember him always saying he could go to jail for phucking with me he was old enough to get alcohol (not sure legally or just on his looks). I initially started talking to the Kwame's brother and we would kick it even though he was to damn old for me. I would go by the house and hang out. Well I went by one day and the brother wasn't there so Kwame and I started talking and next thing I know his tongue is in my mouth WTF.....I don't fuck with brothers. So I guess Kwame saw the look on my face and was like I am so sorry. So by the time we move pass that the brother comes home and all is good well the brother and I just kinda fell off and I never heard from them again. Well the day before I left for college Kwame calls me and says I can't believe you are gonna leave without saying good bye. Well needless to say he came over and we said our good byes. How crazy is this, I was in a major city for a job interview and visiting with friends and I see brother out at a club and pretty much presented and opportunity for us to pick up where we lift off (dude seriously after like 5 years you just want to pick up) well and then just recently when I was on myspace I had both of them as my friend and we would talk and they would covertly suggest we hook up to catch up-----NO THANK YOU!!! and the last straw (okay I need to stop fronting in a sick and twisted way I was flattered) was when Kwame' sent me a message for my birthday saying that he has never forgotten me and the time we shared. For a brief minute I had gotten soft and then I had to come to myself.

Okay I think this is enough therapy for today....I will finish this blog later with my college and post college androphobia.

NOTE I AM NOT SURE HOW LONG THIS WILL STAY UP CAUSE IT IS TRULY SOME PERSONALLY SHIT.......