In love with my situation

I have an all-star cast of friends...I believe that friends and significant other are a reflection and extension of you and vice versus....I have a friend that I have known since the 5th grade. We are so much alike and one day we were having a conversation and I was asking her about her "new" friend. and she says to me I think he is in love with my situation not me....so lets ponder that...what she meant was she was a single black woman, no kids, i great job, an advance degree and wholly independent. And this guy was attracted to the fact that she has/is handling her business, but the same things that he found attracted also intimidated/scared him.

Today my line sister S23 wrote a post bout Permanent scars and it got me to thinking. I feel somewhat like S23 in that i refuse to be dependent on anyone. My last relationship my ex said the strangest thing to me, i was talking about a friend of mines that was needy and how I hope i didn't come off needy and he was like just the opposite, you never ask me for anything, which was true. He then goes on to say you are the kind of person if we just up and moved to south Dakota (yeah South Dakota) and while living there we broke up I wouldn't worry about you making it there on your own. (things that make you go hum...). I think the reason I have control issues, fear being weak and dependant is because of my paternals. My mom is SUPER INDEPENDENT she was the one who taught me how to check my oil (not that i do, hell that's what Firestone is for), i saw here make it work after my dad left. She made me clean, wash clothes, cut grass, fix shit. She taught me the difference between a flat head and a Philip screwdriver. Hell when I first moved to the Capitol city she bought me a car kit with jumper cables and what not and a tool box (only thing it didn't have was a hammer--cause you know i like to break shit). She taught me how to change a flat. so anyway my position on men was anything i need from a man i can buy, borrow or do it myself--- i have gone through life thinking that, but shit a girl gets tired. Being independent is hard work.

I think what changed my perspective was this guy I met...I met him in "graduate" school, my last year. When i met him i thought he was full of shit, i didn't feel like i could trust him and pretty much everything he was saying was a lie. Now mind you i had good reason to believe that but that is neither here nor there. Well after he graduated (he was a year behind me), we reconnected. We talked a little and then we feel off and then a couple months later after a fail relationship (yeah Mr. South Dakota) we reconnected. Well he made the check list---physical, emotional, intellectual and well the jury was still out about availability. Well he was perfect minus the question of availability, but initially I could not open up to him and give him a chance. Then one day he "got" me, it was like he completely understood what i needed. His position was I respect what you do during the day "saving the world and what not" but when you are around me I just want you to do you and let me do me" translation relax and let me worry about you. WTF!!! you mean release control and be at your will, nigga is you crazy---yes he was and I tried it and i liked it. I am no feminist nor am i at the opposite end....but the thought of not worrying about shit and being around someone I trusted, who i knew had the abilities to handle business as i would felt good. Though that situation didn't work out (cause i later learned he wasn't available) I know what I want. I want someone who CAN take care of me. He doesn't have to jump in and be bossy and authoritative, but he has to be strong and confident enough to let me be me and large enough to be him with me. I am not sure if that makes any sense. What I want (add it to the list) is a man who would be okay if I ruled the world but knows when i got home he was king and i was his queen and its his job to take care of me. No i am not talking gold digger talk I am saying that he give me what I need at home to handle the things i encounter outside the home (and yes I know that I have to provide the same support for him).

S23 mentioned about being a stay at home mom. I use to think that shit was for the birds, until one of my friends that I somewhat admire got married, got pregnant, had her kid and quit her job. Now my friend has a college degree from a prestigious school. We talk about 5 days a week and wow do i admire her. In the back of my head i am wondering if she has a plan B, but I see so many benefits to it. She does so much she manages her husband, the kids, the house, the social calender she does a lot. When i thought of housewives i thought of Peg Bundie from the show married with children. But when i hear about all the things she does with her girls i am like wow. I think the plan is once the youngest get in school she is going to go and get her masters and what not. I have so much respect for housewives and I wonder some days if i get married will I be able to do what i want to do.

I have a friend who is a mom, wife and corporate woman and i listen to her and how she had to cut back on her traveling how she has to cut back on her hours and I wonder can you give 150% to work AND 150% to my family?

So i guess in the mean damn time i will just do me until someone comes alone and requires me to make modification to my approach to life, meaning i have to consider others in my daily plans.