Okay I woke up this morning with my mind on 2 things. One was black privilege and the other being love. Yeah I know pretty random.
Black Privilege
So yesterday was the last dialogue for the Dialogue on Race program that I am participating in. Actually in like 3 weeks we are getting together for a "dinner dialogue". Well so there is this lady in the dialogue that frustrates me to say the least. Our reading was about solutions in eliminating race, I will say I was optimistic but after yesterday I am not sure if we can ever eliminate racism. Well these are just some of the highlights from the evening. We usually open up with a recap from the prior dialogue and then our facilitator ask us if we have any observations to share. So "ole lady" I will call her starts off with 2 things the first being a clipping out of the newspaper that says something to the effect that we can't have serious discussion on race because everyone isn't honest and the second being a article she read out the Christian magazine regarding balls that are had in Mobile, AL where there is an all white ball and then an all black ball. Okay....So our reading where about steps to eliminate racism. One of the writers suggested that there be listening the part of white Americans that doesn't judge, debate, defend, solve or critique. Well "ole lady" says that she believes that listening has to be on both sides. Not that I disagree with her. However, I tried to convey that if I am sharing a story or struggle with you that I personally have experienced or that black people experience, for you to come back with a story in an effort to share/empathize/relate only devalues what I just said. Translation----you ain't listening to me, and if you ain't listening to me I sure as hell don't want to listen to you any more. So ole lady shared with us about her experience with a black man that came to her church (I think) he was an anti-racism educator, he made the statement to the effect that Black Americans felt oppressed. She told us that she responded with that her father was oppressed by the racism of his father, ie. as a child he was taken to a lynching and that scared him for life, however when she wanted to write the NAACP her father refused to allow her to write to such a communist organization. And I am sure you were as baffled as I by this sharing. I don't completely understand the correlation between the oppression felt by an entire race to the rearing of your father by your grandfather ie. being taken to a lynching and his response to the NAACP as a Communist organization. Just a random thought Wasn't the NAACP established way before the threat of Communism? Well that's not all folks. So we continue to discuss efforts to eliminate racism, I stated that we have seen efforts in legislation to remedy the effects of racism. Well the reading suggested 5 things that or 5 perspectives for dismantling racism. One was that we must start from an historical perspective and not just an individual perspective. With that and I quote "The United States was established as a white society, founded upon the near genocide of one race and the enslavement of another". Is there anyone out there that disagrees with that statement. Well ole lady did, not only did she disagree with the statement she goes on to state that the we should be happy with the 3/5 compromise,what? And my response was why is that, she says because it gave us the Constitution. My response was why would I be happy about a compromise regarding my humanity that yielded us a document that didn't even apply to me. She then says that the Constitution was so forward thinking, ie." all men are created equal" WTF? I had to remind her that it wasn't talking about me. Now don't get me wrong in the context of establishing a democracy or looking for a model for laws and bylaws, yes the Constitution is a great document. However, the context of race relations it was not until recent years (ie. the 60's) did the Constitution start to protect me or even acknowledge my relevance to society. But that's not all, a couple of weeks ago we talked about White privilege. We defined white privilege as a system that confers an invisible package of unearned assets for those of the white race. So ole lady goes on to say she believes that there is black privilege. And somebody asked her what is that, she proceeded to refer to her list. She says that blacks have the privilege of being sensitive and offended, they can talk about white people and not be called racist (ie. white people can't dance). Ugh yeah lets find the correlation the ability to walk into any store in America and buy hair products, skin colored band-aids, skin tone hosiery and make-up versus the ability to say white people can't dance, to be avoided by statements, to have a heighten level of sensitivity. Oh yeah those are the same (please take notice of my sarcasm). and oh yeah this translates into asset that allows me to navigate through society much better. And that was just yesterday. In the reading it suggested the one of the reason that blacks/African-Americans don't participate in such dialogues is that they get frustrated with the lack of "openness" from whites.....GUILTY!!!
So on to Love
As I sit here at 5 am listening to the Commodores sign sweet love.......Lionel *fanning myself*
Okay so I have been thinking that maybe its time to open myself up to love and relationships. Cause you know there once was (still is some days) a time when I believed that all I needed from a man I could buy, borrow or do it myself. Not that I was some bitter black woman, I was just indifferent. I knew that there were some GREAT Men out there, it just so happen that none of them were for me. Well anyway I for some reason woke up thinking about the last time I was in love, it was College 2000 (yeah 8 years ago). I thought about the last time my "love" and I shared an experience where I felt loved, support and confidence. I know sounds crazy but what I want from a significant other is love, support, encouragement and someone to share the good as well as the bad times with. Well my senior year in college I was awarded a the MLK Humanitarian award for my commitment to race relations (ugh I think that was the phrasing), I and another fellow. Well anyway it was somewhat of a big deal. I didn't know I was getting the award. I was on the Union Program Council at the University and I remember everyone asking me was I going and I told them I wasn't sure, because I had enrolled in a night class that ran the same time as the MLK program. In actuality my boyfriend and I had the class together. Well anyway we go to the class. We get out of class early because its the first day. So we are walking back to my apartment and as we come in past the McDonald's I run into my mother. I am so surprised, one because my mother never came to visit me, she would either be there to pick me up or drop me off. She isn't much of a driver, particularly on the high way, she had rented a car and driven to 3.5 hours by herself. Well come to find out my sponsor from UPC had contacted my mother and told her that I was getting this award, my mother in turn had called my boyfriend (how she got his number is still beyond me) and told him and they plotted together to surprise me not only with this award but with my mama being there. I can remember running back to my apartment to change clothes cause I couldn't accept an award from Dick Gregory in my normal class attire (tennis shoes, jeans, t-shirt, baseball cap and ponytail) not with my mama her and the rest of the world (LOL) watching. So I ran home threw on a suit with a scarf (cause that's what was in) applied some heat to the hair, put on some heels and came back to accept my award. With my mama on one side and my love on the other, and my roommate cheering me on I was on top of the world. My boyfriend's minister was there and I introduced my mother to my Student Government sponsors and other people "this my mama" and my boyfriends was there cheering me on telling how proud of me he was. Damn....that was a good moment, I think that's what I actually miss that love and support that your family can't give you, nor your girlfriends....its different not better not less just different. I can think about other special events in my life graduating from law school, passing the bar, my first trial, my first not guilty as a defense attorney, my first job as an attorney, and the list goes on. And I can remember that little empty feeling I had when everyone went home.
so its now 5:32 a.m. I really don't know what to do go back to sleep or get up and clean my house and get ready for work. I have a volunteer project tonight I will be on the local PBS channel answering the phone for there annual telethon, that should be fun. I will tell you about it later.
I must say the song now is Earth, Wind and Fire "would you mind" and now my radio has come on and its Cameo "Word Up!!" I am feeling pretty 80's today, I may break out the neon (LOL)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
So I got my results
Ladies and Gentleman I am sad (actually not really) to announce that your girl has metabolic syndrome.
What is that you may ask according to Wikepedia it is "a combination of medical disorders that increase the risk of developing cardiovascular disease and diabetes. It affects a great number of people, and prevalence increases with age"
What are the signs and symptoms well Wikepedia says " insulin resistance; High blood pressure;
Central obesity (also known as visceral, male-pattern or apple-shaped adiposity), overweight with fat deposits mainly around the waist; Decreased HDL cholesterol; Elevated triglycerides"
So what does this mean for the kid, well I have been given medication/prescription that is suppose to assist with my insulin resistance, and possible help me loose weight. I also been placed on a 1800 calorie diet, which along with the medication I will not be starting until the 14th. In addition to that i have to do at least three 30 minutes days of activity and I think with me doing an hour of belly dancing all I have to figure out is the other 30 minutes. I have to go back to check my "progress" in three months, yeah right before Thanksgiving. So we shall see.
So please bare with me if my next several blogs are about this lifestyle change I am going through. Or if for some reason I stop blogging that just means I lost all this weight and some MAN has swept me off my feet cause I am just to damn sexy for my blog......But hey one of my goals was to loose about 60 lbs, to get my BMI down and well what better reason to do than for you health/life.
Today is my last day of Dialogue on Race, I am gonna kinda miss that. But I think I am gonna have a enough to keep me busy coming up. Lets see (pulling out calendar) August is pretty busy start this new lifestyle change, my 30th birthday, I start training for to be a mentor/volunteer in a school. Then there is September, still teaching, start my mentoring, got to Houston for my BFF 30th birthday, go to Dallas for a wedding, go to Port City for my mom's birthday. So I think I will be busy for the next 2 months.
Lets see what else....I think other than that my life is pretty boring. Oh I am suppose to finally go see this Jazz singer that I have wanted to see all summer, my co-worker and I are going out Friday. So maybe that will be something worth blogging about. my other co-worker is having a party on Sunday. I don't think I will go but I did say I will consider it. These are my issues: first of all its an all white party. I think themed parties are lamed especially when it requires me to put for extra effort. Then its a party that is hosted by my co-worker who has invited a bunch of our colleagues, seriously I just ain't feeling'.
i just don't know
What is that you may ask according to Wikepedia it is "a combination of medical disorders that increase the risk of developing cardiovascular disease and diabetes. It affects a great number of people, and prevalence increases with age"
What are the signs and symptoms well Wikepedia says " insulin resistance; High blood pressure;
Central obesity (also known as visceral, male-pattern or apple-shaped adiposity), overweight with fat deposits mainly around the waist; Decreased HDL cholesterol; Elevated triglycerides"
So what does this mean for the kid, well I have been given medication/prescription that is suppose to assist with my insulin resistance, and possible help me loose weight. I also been placed on a 1800 calorie diet, which along with the medication I will not be starting until the 14th. In addition to that i have to do at least three 30 minutes days of activity and I think with me doing an hour of belly dancing all I have to figure out is the other 30 minutes. I have to go back to check my "progress" in three months, yeah right before Thanksgiving. So we shall see.
So please bare with me if my next several blogs are about this lifestyle change I am going through. Or if for some reason I stop blogging that just means I lost all this weight and some MAN has swept me off my feet cause I am just to damn sexy for my blog......But hey one of my goals was to loose about 60 lbs, to get my BMI down and well what better reason to do than for you health/life.
Today is my last day of Dialogue on Race, I am gonna kinda miss that. But I think I am gonna have a enough to keep me busy coming up. Lets see (pulling out calendar) August is pretty busy start this new lifestyle change, my 30th birthday, I start training for to be a mentor/volunteer in a school. Then there is September, still teaching, start my mentoring, got to Houston for my BFF 30th birthday, go to Dallas for a wedding, go to Port City for my mom's birthday. So I think I will be busy for the next 2 months.
Lets see what else....I think other than that my life is pretty boring. Oh I am suppose to finally go see this Jazz singer that I have wanted to see all summer, my co-worker and I are going out Friday. So maybe that will be something worth blogging about. my other co-worker is having a party on Sunday. I don't think I will go but I did say I will consider it. These are my issues: first of all its an all white party. I think themed parties are lamed especially when it requires me to put for extra effort. Then its a party that is hosted by my co-worker who has invited a bunch of our colleagues, seriously I just ain't feeling'.
i just don't know
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Don't Worry Be Happy!!!!
Okay so what is going on ? I am sitting in my bed at 3:30 a.m. thinking what the hell is going on.
I guess I will work my way back. Today was an okay day but I am beginning to think about my job and my salary. I believe I make decent money, yes my friends make more than me but hey I have a job with benefits, with this present state of the economy that is a blessing in itself. I was lying in bed thinking. I think I may be getting bored with my job. I took it for more trial experience, more money (thats relative) more courtroom expereince and something different. I currently feel like I am push paper, entertain judges, answer stupid questions and fight for trials. I mean have you ever heard of the judge trying to leave before the lawyers? I have expressed an interest in learning different things that people do, I know I haven't been there 6 months yet but "come on people", give me something. But I need to be careful what I ask for. I am suppose to start my online teaching this month so I am excited about that.
I have been going to my bellydancing classes and loving it.
(ugh yes, these are just random thoughts induced by insomia)
I have a hair appointment in the morning at 8:30 and then a wedding at 1:00, to be continued.
I went to my General Physician (first visit) and I think I love her. She told me that she believed that I may be pre-diabetic or have Insulin Resistance, which I think is the same thing. I want know for sure until the test come back. But I think I have it. I did some reading on it and the symptons I so have, This maybe a blessing, I said I wanted to lose weight and with this conditions I will have to change my diet and lifestyle, thus loose some weight. Which is what my Dr. said also. I mean I will have to say good bye to some of my favorite foods the first thing that comes to mind Mash potatoes (I heart M.P.) white gravy, brown gravy, it doesn't matter. I will have to cut back on my carbs. Pastas, white bread, cakes and stuff. I am gonna have to do it in moderation plus exercise.
Okay I will be back later with more randomness induced by insomia
I guess I will work my way back. Today was an okay day but I am beginning to think about my job and my salary. I believe I make decent money, yes my friends make more than me but hey I have a job with benefits, with this present state of the economy that is a blessing in itself. I was lying in bed thinking. I think I may be getting bored with my job. I took it for more trial experience, more money (thats relative) more courtroom expereince and something different. I currently feel like I am push paper, entertain judges, answer stupid questions and fight for trials. I mean have you ever heard of the judge trying to leave before the lawyers? I have expressed an interest in learning different things that people do, I know I haven't been there 6 months yet but "come on people", give me something. But I need to be careful what I ask for. I am suppose to start my online teaching this month so I am excited about that.
I have been going to my bellydancing classes and loving it.
(ugh yes, these are just random thoughts induced by insomia)
I have a hair appointment in the morning at 8:30 and then a wedding at 1:00, to be continued.
I went to my General Physician (first visit) and I think I love her. She told me that she believed that I may be pre-diabetic or have Insulin Resistance, which I think is the same thing. I want know for sure until the test come back. But I think I have it. I did some reading on it and the symptons I so have, This maybe a blessing, I said I wanted to lose weight and with this conditions I will have to change my diet and lifestyle, thus loose some weight. Which is what my Dr. said also. I mean I will have to say good bye to some of my favorite foods the first thing that comes to mind Mash potatoes (I heart M.P.) white gravy, brown gravy, it doesn't matter. I will have to cut back on my carbs. Pastas, white bread, cakes and stuff. I am gonna have to do it in moderation plus exercise.
Okay I will be back later with more randomness induced by insomia
Sunday, July 20, 2008
So you want a letter......
Ladie and Gentlemen I have an annoucement, I am a sucker, all day every day I am a sucker for love. So Friday I am sitting on the computer and guess who pops up, Aaron. So we are chatting and everything is going well. So he ask why do I keep deleting him, I tell him because I can't decide weather I want to talk to him or not. So then he says call me, I respond ugh can I have your number and then just randomly my phone rings. So we talk and he continues to apologize and tell me how he wanted to see me and blah blah blah. Then he says that I will just come and spend a weekend with you. I am like WHAT!!! Ugh, not sure I want that. So I like what weekend are you coming back and he says some random weekend in September. I am like whats the occassion, he is like ugh nothing. So we talk more and more adnI fall deeper and deeper for the ookie doak. Well so we finally get off the phone and I go to bed. So I am thinking and it comes to me what is going on that weeked, Homecoming and to add to that his fraternity is celebrating its 30th anniversary and there is suppose to be some sort of big reunion planed that weekend. So needless to say I am pissed.
Because this negro just lyed to me unprovoked and unsolicited. I have him an opportunity to say what was up and what does he do LIE. Well anyway I am online today and he is too, I speak and then I am typing and he sends me a message and says what are you typing, I am like how do you know I am typing he says cause it says you are, I say I am but not to you. He is like O, sorry. So then I ask, do you want me to write you a letter (in my mind a simple yes or no question) so he responds thats on you,I am like this is a simply yes/no question and apparently you don't which is fine cause if you had said yes I wouldn't have known what to say. So I get offline to wash my hair.
Well I am sitting hear thinking maybe I should write this letter, but I don't want him to keep my letter I want him to read it and give it back, because I don't want him to have "evidence" against me. so I figure I would write the letter here and then I would somewhat feel better.
Dear Aaron:
I must say I can't remeber the last time I wrote a letter and I sure as hell can remeber the last time I wrote a "note" to a guy. I do have couple of things on my mind. I don't even know where to start so I guess I will start from the begining. I can remeber so vididly the first day I met you and your boys, I can remeber going to teh "block party" in front of Power Hall. I rember feeling so stupid around you guys cause you all just kept coming with the jokes about me being from Arkansas and did I "bang in little rock" and everything. I can't say that I liked you then but I remeber thinking you were nice, but I had a boyfriend and I was in love with him. Well time went on and I remeber we had a class together and you became my study partner and I remeber thinking I am dropping this class and you may need to find a new partner cause as soon as you leave I am dropping this class. I think that night that you came over to work on an ISDS project I remeber thinking you gotta live, cause then I was seeing someone and it wasn't good that you were there, I could forsee myself getting in trouble. Well time passed and we would see each other occassionaly and campus, I remeber thinking you were attractive but that everytime I was around you and your friends I just felt stupid. So I would just speak and keep it moving, never engaging in anything more just a hello and thats it. I later learned that you took it as me acting "uppity" but in reality I was just shy and didn't know what to say to you without feeling stupid. I remeber you were the one that taught me how to pronounce Tchoupitoulas. Well any way school ran it course for me and so I graduated. Thinking I would never see you nor talk to you or ever find out anything else about you. Then one day 8 years later, you request me to be your friend on face book and on Saturday we talk all day and all night. You confess that you had a crush on me while in college but thought that I wouldn't be interested in you. I never tell you that I too had a crush on you but that everytime I saw you it was never a good time. I think you were dating someone when I wasn't and vice versa. Well anyway we talk and laughed and talked and laughed some more and it felt good. we would chat each other through out the day and chat. I guess you've figured out by now that I am a very gaurded person and I don't let people get close to me. I felt myself opening up to you and then I felt myself become indifferetn to you, which isn't a good thing cause the next step after indifference is dismissal. So we planned to have a date. The Sunday after July 4th, as the date got closer my indifference turned into annyoance, and anger. I was pissed that i agreed to this, even though I just wanted to lay/sit around and have some drinks and just talk until I feel asleep. I wanted to find out more about you and what made you tick, figure out how after all these years I could find myself still smitten with you. I even would have loved to listen to some good music, good food and good dranks and just TALK face to face. but then I wanted to call you and cancel and back out because I was scared, what if it went well then what and what if it went bad then what. So I was conflicted on this date we had set. I wanted to cancel but I didn't want to cancel, I was hopping you would change your mind and so I would be the "bad" person for canceling. So when you didn't call, I was worried because you were so adamant that you were not gonna cancel or stand me up, even when I joked with you about standing me up. So I called you and left a message just to make sure everything was okay. Nothing. Not a return phone call, email, text, instant message, post card NOTHING. I think thats what hurt the most that you didn't have the decency to contact me and cancel on me. So a week goes by and I am get nothing and finally you send me a message apologizing and I accept you apology but I wasn't sure if I wanted any thing else to do with you because you hurt me and disappointed me. However, even feeling that way I still wanted to talk to you, be around you, why I have no ideal Iwas still intrigued by you and was still smitten by you. I said that everything happens for a reason, well honestly you standing me up moved me from indifferent back to intrigued. Who is this motherfucker that stood me up? Why did he stand me up? Well so then we talked on Friday and I was once again smitten by you and even flattered by you wanted to spend a random weekend with me. But this is were it gets a little confusing for me.
You said that you stood me up because your nephew was in and out of the hospital. Okay!!
You said the the reason that you didn't contact me was because you didn't have my number programed in my phone and you couldn't/didn't get to sign on to your computer.
My thoughts on this is that you are full of shit. So what you are telling me is that even if you nephew hadn't been in and out of the hospital I would have been stood up any way because you didn't have access to my information. I have a problem with people who make me worry and people who I percieve to be inconsiderate. But I also have a problem with people who don't plan. Why haven't/didn't you program my number into your phone over the weeks that we talked and talked about going out when you came it never crossed you my number was worth programming into you phone. Just with the fact that you didn't think it important to program my number into your phone, did you ever have any intention of callingme when you got here......Iwould have to think NOT!!!
We now interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this moment from our sponsors: My male best friend says that there are types of women that he want ever talk about with me: (1) the ones not worth mentioning; (2) the ones not worth seeing and (3) the ones not worth meeting. Now back to the letter.
So okay you are a bad planner, I have been lumped into one of you not worth catergories. That fine, I can't be mad if you don't want to go out with me just have the fucking decency to tell me. Please don't be a punk bitch about. I am sorry to hear about you nephew but it seems based on what you have said that I was gonna get stood up anyway. and just another observation.....I called you and left you a message. So after that why didn't you have my number. I am begining to think some body is full of shit.
So with all that being said, I will say I still wasn't mad. I didn't want to completely be done with you. I was welling to forgive and move on. I mean after talking to you on Friday I was so smitten. Even though you feel asleep at the end, which I found kinda cute. But then you go and lie.
So I look at my calendar because I knew one weekend I was gonna be in Port City for my mom's birthday. Now I wasn't so smitten with you that I wanted to be held hostage with you for an entire weeked, but I was willing to may be spend some time with you but I wanted to make sure I was gonna be here before I committed and that I didn't have anything going on. As I am looking at my calendar I see that the weekend you mention, and correct me if I'm wrong is Homecoming and not just any homecoming for you its your fraternities 30th anniversary. Now I was feeling pretty played when I reallized this. I mean I asked you what was bringing you to Capitol City on this random (so I thought) weekend in September. what did you say nothing. Nothing? do i have stupid on my forehead? You know I am glad I told you that I wasn't sure I wanted to spend an entire weekend with you. Dude your game is weak, because if it had been me (putting on my ole' player hat) I would have said I am actually am coming for Homecoming/Reunion, but I would love to spend that time with you as well. i sure i would have declined the offer to be among you frat brothers both old and young, but I would have felt kinda special that you wanted me to come with you to the reunion. or hell you could have said I have planned to be at the reunion but i want to spend time with you while I am there. Would you consider making some time for me? but no you go off and volunteer a lie.
So now we have inconsiderate, unorganized and now lier. Damn Aaron why you have to go and lie. Not that i am keeping score but I think this makes the second time that you have hurt/disappointed me. I have my own issues already so now I have to add trust to them when dealing with you. No sir I don't think so I think what ever feelings/emotions I had/have toward you I am gonna have to let them go. I can't allow you to hurt/disappoint me a third time. I mean you have struck out twice and we haven't even come face to face, a date, a hug nothing. Dude we are still in the preliminary phases of this "situation" and you are already fucking up. I would be a fool to continue anything with you. So just call me a fool...cause even after all of this I would like for us to remain aquatiaces. But thats that's just the sucker in me.
As you all probaly know I want ever give him this letter but if I do I will let you know how it goes, but don't hold your breath.
Because this negro just lyed to me unprovoked and unsolicited. I have him an opportunity to say what was up and what does he do LIE. Well anyway I am online today and he is too, I speak and then I am typing and he sends me a message and says what are you typing, I am like how do you know I am typing he says cause it says you are, I say I am but not to you. He is like O, sorry. So then I ask, do you want me to write you a letter (in my mind a simple yes or no question) so he responds thats on you,I am like this is a simply yes/no question and apparently you don't which is fine cause if you had said yes I wouldn't have known what to say. So I get offline to wash my hair.
Well I am sitting hear thinking maybe I should write this letter, but I don't want him to keep my letter I want him to read it and give it back, because I don't want him to have "evidence" against me. so I figure I would write the letter here and then I would somewhat feel better.
Dear Aaron:
I must say I can't remeber the last time I wrote a letter and I sure as hell can remeber the last time I wrote a "note" to a guy. I do have couple of things on my mind. I don't even know where to start so I guess I will start from the begining. I can remeber so vididly the first day I met you and your boys, I can remeber going to teh "block party" in front of Power Hall. I rember feeling so stupid around you guys cause you all just kept coming with the jokes about me being from Arkansas and did I "bang in little rock" and everything. I can't say that I liked you then but I remeber thinking you were nice, but I had a boyfriend and I was in love with him. Well time went on and I remeber we had a class together and you became my study partner and I remeber thinking I am dropping this class and you may need to find a new partner cause as soon as you leave I am dropping this class. I think that night that you came over to work on an ISDS project I remeber thinking you gotta live, cause then I was seeing someone and it wasn't good that you were there, I could forsee myself getting in trouble. Well time passed and we would see each other occassionaly and campus, I remeber thinking you were attractive but that everytime I was around you and your friends I just felt stupid. So I would just speak and keep it moving, never engaging in anything more just a hello and thats it. I later learned that you took it as me acting "uppity" but in reality I was just shy and didn't know what to say to you without feeling stupid. I remeber you were the one that taught me how to pronounce Tchoupitoulas. Well any way school ran it course for me and so I graduated. Thinking I would never see you nor talk to you or ever find out anything else about you. Then one day 8 years later, you request me to be your friend on face book and on Saturday we talk all day and all night. You confess that you had a crush on me while in college but thought that I wouldn't be interested in you. I never tell you that I too had a crush on you but that everytime I saw you it was never a good time. I think you were dating someone when I wasn't and vice versa. Well anyway we talk and laughed and talked and laughed some more and it felt good. we would chat each other through out the day and chat. I guess you've figured out by now that I am a very gaurded person and I don't let people get close to me. I felt myself opening up to you and then I felt myself become indifferetn to you, which isn't a good thing cause the next step after indifference is dismissal. So we planned to have a date. The Sunday after July 4th, as the date got closer my indifference turned into annyoance, and anger. I was pissed that i agreed to this, even though I just wanted to lay/sit around and have some drinks and just talk until I feel asleep. I wanted to find out more about you and what made you tick, figure out how after all these years I could find myself still smitten with you. I even would have loved to listen to some good music, good food and good dranks and just TALK face to face. but then I wanted to call you and cancel and back out because I was scared, what if it went well then what and what if it went bad then what. So I was conflicted on this date we had set. I wanted to cancel but I didn't want to cancel, I was hopping you would change your mind and so I would be the "bad" person for canceling. So when you didn't call, I was worried because you were so adamant that you were not gonna cancel or stand me up, even when I joked with you about standing me up. So I called you and left a message just to make sure everything was okay. Nothing. Not a return phone call, email, text, instant message, post card NOTHING. I think thats what hurt the most that you didn't have the decency to contact me and cancel on me. So a week goes by and I am get nothing and finally you send me a message apologizing and I accept you apology but I wasn't sure if I wanted any thing else to do with you because you hurt me and disappointed me. However, even feeling that way I still wanted to talk to you, be around you, why I have no ideal Iwas still intrigued by you and was still smitten by you. I said that everything happens for a reason, well honestly you standing me up moved me from indifferent back to intrigued. Who is this motherfucker that stood me up? Why did he stand me up? Well so then we talked on Friday and I was once again smitten by you and even flattered by you wanted to spend a random weekend with me. But this is were it gets a little confusing for me.
You said that you stood me up because your nephew was in and out of the hospital. Okay!!
You said the the reason that you didn't contact me was because you didn't have my number programed in my phone and you couldn't/didn't get to sign on to your computer.
My thoughts on this is that you are full of shit. So what you are telling me is that even if you nephew hadn't been in and out of the hospital I would have been stood up any way because you didn't have access to my information. I have a problem with people who make me worry and people who I percieve to be inconsiderate. But I also have a problem with people who don't plan. Why haven't/didn't you program my number into your phone over the weeks that we talked and talked about going out when you came it never crossed you my number was worth programming into you phone. Just with the fact that you didn't think it important to program my number into your phone, did you ever have any intention of callingme when you got here......Iwould have to think NOT!!!
We now interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this moment from our sponsors: My male best friend says that there are types of women that he want ever talk about with me: (1) the ones not worth mentioning; (2) the ones not worth seeing and (3) the ones not worth meeting. Now back to the letter.
So okay you are a bad planner, I have been lumped into one of you not worth catergories. That fine, I can't be mad if you don't want to go out with me just have the fucking decency to tell me. Please don't be a punk bitch about. I am sorry to hear about you nephew but it seems based on what you have said that I was gonna get stood up anyway. and just another observation.....I called you and left you a message. So after that why didn't you have my number. I am begining to think some body is full of shit.
So with all that being said, I will say I still wasn't mad. I didn't want to completely be done with you. I was welling to forgive and move on. I mean after talking to you on Friday I was so smitten. Even though you feel asleep at the end, which I found kinda cute. But then you go and lie.
So I look at my calendar because I knew one weekend I was gonna be in Port City for my mom's birthday. Now I wasn't so smitten with you that I wanted to be held hostage with you for an entire weeked, but I was willing to may be spend some time with you but I wanted to make sure I was gonna be here before I committed and that I didn't have anything going on. As I am looking at my calendar I see that the weekend you mention, and correct me if I'm wrong is Homecoming and not just any homecoming for you its your fraternities 30th anniversary. Now I was feeling pretty played when I reallized this. I mean I asked you what was bringing you to Capitol City on this random (so I thought) weekend in September. what did you say nothing. Nothing? do i have stupid on my forehead? You know I am glad I told you that I wasn't sure I wanted to spend an entire weekend with you. Dude your game is weak, because if it had been me (putting on my ole' player hat) I would have said I am actually am coming for Homecoming/Reunion, but I would love to spend that time with you as well. i sure i would have declined the offer to be among you frat brothers both old and young, but I would have felt kinda special that you wanted me to come with you to the reunion. or hell you could have said I have planned to be at the reunion but i want to spend time with you while I am there. Would you consider making some time for me? but no you go off and volunteer a lie.
So now we have inconsiderate, unorganized and now lier. Damn Aaron why you have to go and lie. Not that i am keeping score but I think this makes the second time that you have hurt/disappointed me. I have my own issues already so now I have to add trust to them when dealing with you. No sir I don't think so I think what ever feelings/emotions I had/have toward you I am gonna have to let them go. I can't allow you to hurt/disappoint me a third time. I mean you have struck out twice and we haven't even come face to face, a date, a hug nothing. Dude we are still in the preliminary phases of this "situation" and you are already fucking up. I would be a fool to continue anything with you. So just call me a fool...cause even after all of this I would like for us to remain aquatiaces. But thats that's just the sucker in me.
As you all probaly know I want ever give him this letter but if I do I will let you know how it goes, but don't hold your breath.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Randomness.....
Is it wrong that I don't have an overwhelming desire to be married or have kids...I mean I want a wedding, actually not a wedding just a reception and as far as kids I just want to be pregnant and nurse, not trying to raise and enroll in school nothing major. Maybe I will just throw myself a big bash and be a surrogate mother. LOL!!
My two cents
Okay so a couple of things are on my mind.
Let’s start with last week. Last Saturday night I couldn’t sleep and hopped on the Internet, I checked my face book account and guess who was on Krush. I don’t know if you all remember Krush but he was the guy in Port City that I had a crush on and come to find out he had a girlfriend/fiancé. Well anyway I spoke just to see how he was doing, and his response was GREAT!!! Half joking/half serious I responded “dude, I need some of whatever you got” he was like “what do you mean” my response was “I am doing good but I need to have whatever you got that can move me to Great” Well any way we chatted for a while and this is what I am learned/already knew about myself.
Even though I say I don’t (and I don’t to some extent) really cares what people think about me. I have heard it all my life that I am different, weird, strange, crazy, and white whatever you name it because I don’t feed into the stereotypes, subscribe to traditional “black” thought or sometimes do things or respond to things differently. For example, even though there are several black people in my belly dancing class, I am taking belly dancing. I told Krush one of the things I had the biggest issue with was I refuse to be defined by what type of car I drive, the name brand suit I were (or don’t wear), the handbag I carry, the way my hair is done or any other stupid superficial bullshit. I hate people knowing what my profession/occupation I would be happy if people thought I was the clerk at the corner store. I mean when people find out you are an attorney they have these expectations that have nothing to do with the law whatsoever. I am me and I do me, whatever that means, there is nothing special about me I am no different than the next chick. I could have just as easily be statistical black women from a single parent home who pretty much had to raise herself. So Krush tells me that I shouldn’t be ashamed/embarrassed that of what I have achieved nor should I surround myself with people who can’t/don’t celebrate these things with me. He goes on to say I need to cut off toxic people. Now if you all haven’t learned anything about me, I am somewhat no confrontational, I don’t like drama and confusion. I would rather maintain a friendship than have to deal with the drama of ending one. So needless to say I have some interesting people I surround myself with. And I know part of the reason is because I have allowed this to happen/go on for so long. I don’t really go to my friends with the things that are truly on my mind/heart. I think the person I would go to the most is El (I think that is what I have called him) but anyway my male best friend.
Earlier this week there has been much controversy about the “New Yorker’s cover of Senator Obama and his wife. I will say I am still confused about my position on the cover. I will say at first blush I thought this was a bunch of bullshit, how dare the New Yorker post such a racist, inaccurate, offensive and irresponsible picture. But then I looked at it more and learned more about the magazine. I learned that this was done as a satire, that they do things like this all the time. So I began to think what was wrong with this: I think for those ignorant people this will only serve as conformation and fuel for their fire about why we can’t trust Obama (as if our past presidents and presidential candidates have me trustworthy). So then I began to think what is right with this, those people who will use this as ammunition against Obama and his candidacy we want and can’t change. So I began to think well if this is satire what satire is. My understanding of satire is that it takes something, usually political in nature, present the extreme representation of whatever the issue is, in this case our understanding of Obama and giving us a exaggerated image of these extreme representation so that me may see the silliness in such. I think this is a great opportunity for some dialogue. I think we have a teachable moment. With Obama potentially being the first black president there have to be some things put on the table. Does America really understand blacks, black women and their indignation with America, Black men and their struggle, who Obama really. So is the Muslim, does he follow Bin Laden, is his wife some Angela Davis type Black Panther Militant, are they proud Americans. Instead of have discussions about these and so many other things we are dismissing this opportunity and leaving the picture to speak for itself. Which in my opinion is the last thing we want to do, I don’t think the New Yorker’s depiction is wrong, maybe inappropriate but that’s what satire is, it’s not to be funny, factual or appropriate. It’s to get people talking. I don’t think all the discussion about Obama and his family needs to be had now, these are things that should have been discussed and nipped in the bud prior to his “nomination”, at this point we should be talking about the recession that we are/are not in, the price of gas, education, environment, and obesity….the issues. But apparently there are people who can’t get pass his name and his “background” so that we can get to the true issues. I mean we didn’t ask Bush about his “relationships” the Bin Laden. Question: Are Obama and McCain ever going to debate?
Let’s start with last week. Last Saturday night I couldn’t sleep and hopped on the Internet, I checked my face book account and guess who was on Krush. I don’t know if you all remember Krush but he was the guy in Port City that I had a crush on and come to find out he had a girlfriend/fiancé. Well anyway I spoke just to see how he was doing, and his response was GREAT!!! Half joking/half serious I responded “dude, I need some of whatever you got” he was like “what do you mean” my response was “I am doing good but I need to have whatever you got that can move me to Great” Well any way we chatted for a while and this is what I am learned/already knew about myself.
Even though I say I don’t (and I don’t to some extent) really cares what people think about me. I have heard it all my life that I am different, weird, strange, crazy, and white whatever you name it because I don’t feed into the stereotypes, subscribe to traditional “black” thought or sometimes do things or respond to things differently. For example, even though there are several black people in my belly dancing class, I am taking belly dancing. I told Krush one of the things I had the biggest issue with was I refuse to be defined by what type of car I drive, the name brand suit I were (or don’t wear), the handbag I carry, the way my hair is done or any other stupid superficial bullshit. I hate people knowing what my profession/occupation I would be happy if people thought I was the clerk at the corner store. I mean when people find out you are an attorney they have these expectations that have nothing to do with the law whatsoever. I am me and I do me, whatever that means, there is nothing special about me I am no different than the next chick. I could have just as easily be statistical black women from a single parent home who pretty much had to raise herself. So Krush tells me that I shouldn’t be ashamed/embarrassed that of what I have achieved nor should I surround myself with people who can’t/don’t celebrate these things with me. He goes on to say I need to cut off toxic people. Now if you all haven’t learned anything about me, I am somewhat no confrontational, I don’t like drama and confusion. I would rather maintain a friendship than have to deal with the drama of ending one. So needless to say I have some interesting people I surround myself with. And I know part of the reason is because I have allowed this to happen/go on for so long. I don’t really go to my friends with the things that are truly on my mind/heart. I think the person I would go to the most is El (I think that is what I have called him) but anyway my male best friend.
Earlier this week there has been much controversy about the “New Yorker’s cover of Senator Obama and his wife. I will say I am still confused about my position on the cover. I will say at first blush I thought this was a bunch of bullshit, how dare the New Yorker post such a racist, inaccurate, offensive and irresponsible picture. But then I looked at it more and learned more about the magazine. I learned that this was done as a satire, that they do things like this all the time. So I began to think what was wrong with this: I think for those ignorant people this will only serve as conformation and fuel for their fire about why we can’t trust Obama (as if our past presidents and presidential candidates have me trustworthy). So then I began to think what is right with this, those people who will use this as ammunition against Obama and his candidacy we want and can’t change. So I began to think well if this is satire what satire is. My understanding of satire is that it takes something, usually political in nature, present the extreme representation of whatever the issue is, in this case our understanding of Obama and giving us a exaggerated image of these extreme representation so that me may see the silliness in such. I think this is a great opportunity for some dialogue. I think we have a teachable moment. With Obama potentially being the first black president there have to be some things put on the table. Does America really understand blacks, black women and their indignation with America, Black men and their struggle, who Obama really. So is the Muslim, does he follow Bin Laden, is his wife some Angela Davis type Black Panther Militant, are they proud Americans. Instead of have discussions about these and so many other things we are dismissing this opportunity and leaving the picture to speak for itself. Which in my opinion is the last thing we want to do, I don’t think the New Yorker’s depiction is wrong, maybe inappropriate but that’s what satire is, it’s not to be funny, factual or appropriate. It’s to get people talking. I don’t think all the discussion about Obama and his family needs to be had now, these are things that should have been discussed and nipped in the bud prior to his “nomination”, at this point we should be talking about the recession that we are/are not in, the price of gas, education, environment, and obesity….the issues. But apparently there are people who can’t get pass his name and his “background” so that we can get to the true issues. I mean we didn’t ask Bush about his “relationships” the Bin Laden. Question: Are Obama and McCain ever going to debate?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Addedum to Goals
Just when I thought I had it going on, S23 challenges me with some questions. So I guess I better think more in depth about my goals. I think I should categorize them, which will help me in attaining them.
ON GOING GOALS- which mean that these goals are life long goals that I want to work towards them until my death.
Become truly active in church- right now I go to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday School after church and Bible Study on Tuesday; I want to find my ministry and grow in it.
Travel more
Do better when it comes to offerings at church- I tithes without thought, I can do 10%, but its offerings that get me. How much is enough, I know you are suppose to give from the heart, but how do you budget that?
Investigate and embrace a more holistic lifestyle
Cook more---how about Cook!!!
Exercise more---how about Exercise!!!
Control my weight (lose about 60 lbs. and maintain it)-
I have started making modifications in my eating habits, I take the stairs more at work, I drink more water, I pay more attention to the things I consume. I have set a goal to active start trying to loose weight beginning (1-4-09 and by 12-26-09 I figure I can lose 59 lbs.) I know that sounds crazy but I have a plan. Starting 1-4-09 I will do the master cleanser for 14 days from beginning to end. I will also begin my membership to the Y which will coincide with the cleanser. The last time I did it I didn’t exercise in conjunction and I lost 10 lbs, I have since gained it back but that’s a different story. Once that is completed I will go on a “diet” not your traditional diet, but one that eliminates bad “food” and add good “food” to cover 30 weeks, but I will actually do it for 49 weeks. I will also continue exercise.
Get back into dancing- tap, ballet, modern, jazz and belly- I have began belly dancing classes and want to continue them until the end of the year. I will take advantage of other dance courses in the following years that are offered by the local college and gym I am a member.
Get back into Yoga/Pilate's- part of my work out schedule for the upcoming years will include both classes that are offered at my gym.
Maintain relationship/contact with friends- I said for my 30th birthday I will began a complete phasing out of toxic people and work to maintain relationships with my “true” friends.
Financial- these are economic goals some have time lines while others don’t
Pay my Car off- I purchased my current car (12-2008), I have a low percentage rate but its for 5 years; I plan to pay it off (7-2011) which will be about 2 years and 7 months. (which will be within the 3 years that I wanted to pay it off)
Pay my Student Loans off (ugh… I don’t even know where to start with this one I fell like Sallie Mae will always be a part of my life; I have student loans that total over $70,000. I haven’t sat down to create an “attack plan” for this debt. As of right now I am scheduled to have them paid off by 8/14/2034…yes 2034 so we will sweep this under the rug for a bet longer.)
Pay my mom's house off (early) - I have a plan for that LOL!!! I want to have it paid off by 2014, we purchased it in 2006 and I think she has a 30-year mortgage, I haven’t really investigated because I know my mom she hates to talk finances with me and if I don’t have money to encourage her to open dialogue we are in trouble.
Build/Buy a home- I don’t have a plan for this yet, I know it will be after I pay my mom’s house off and once I get a plan for Sallie Mae. Right I figure I can stay in my current place for at least 5 more years, especially with the price of gas and I only live like less than a mile away and I love my neighborhood.
Give back to my Alma maters- I want to be financially relevant alum, I don’t have to have buildings named after me but a scholarship would be nice. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with this, if I am going to get some friends together and we sponsor this or if I am going to do this on my own. I did say I wanted to name one of my scholarships after my mother because it was because of her sacrifices that I accomplished what I have.
Save about $70,000- This is an ongoing thing. No deadline, but I want to do this before I purchase my first home. Now this isn’t just for my first home: $3,000 is for emergency cash that I can go to the ATM and just pull out whenever for whatever not earmarked for anything; $17,000 for living expenses, say I were to lose my job or get sick and tired and just up and quit this would be for about 6 months of living expenses; and $50,000 for a down payment on my home.
Furnish my place- no time line on this, but before I move into my “purchased” home. I want to accumulate investment pieces so that I want be spending money like crazy trying to furnish my new place, cause if I moved right now I would have jack shit…
PERSONAL PROJECTS…things I just want to do because.
Learn Spanish- I took 2 years of Spanish in college, I just want to learn a second language.
Learn Sign Language- in elementary school I check out a book on sign language and taught myself and some of my friends the alphabets, I just want to be able to sign.
Learn to Golf- I dated a guy who golfed/golf and ever since I met him I have always wanted to learn. I think I am going to check out what the local college is offering such classes.
Become a Massage Therapist- as if my current occupation isn’t enough, I just want to do it I have always wanted to do that since a child. And besides it’s always good to have a hobby you can make money in.
Go to the Kentucky Derby- even though I don’t talk to my dad, I do enjoy watching horse races and would love to go with some friends and live it up.
Learn how to play an instrument- which one I don’t know maybe the flute or guitar or piano.
Get my teaching career started- hopefully this will happen by the end of the year, if Human resources will get a move on it.
Pursue higher education ---L.LM, Masters, Ph.D—did you miss the part where I said I had over $70K in student loan debt, I don’t want to accumulate anymore, so hopefully if this teaching gig gets moving, I can maybe teach somewhere that would pay for me to get my degree(s).
Get organized
Go to the hill (Capitol Hill), I just want to work on the hill
Because I am a planner I can’t have to may things planned at once I think I have some things to take me to through years and as I accomplish things I will add a new thing.
ON GOING GOALS- which mean that these goals are life long goals that I want to work towards them until my death.
Become truly active in church- right now I go to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday School after church and Bible Study on Tuesday; I want to find my ministry and grow in it.
Travel more
Do better when it comes to offerings at church- I tithes without thought, I can do 10%, but its offerings that get me. How much is enough, I know you are suppose to give from the heart, but how do you budget that?
Investigate and embrace a more holistic lifestyle
Cook more---how about Cook!!!
Exercise more---how about Exercise!!!
Control my weight (lose about 60 lbs. and maintain it)-
I have started making modifications in my eating habits, I take the stairs more at work, I drink more water, I pay more attention to the things I consume. I have set a goal to active start trying to loose weight beginning (1-4-09 and by 12-26-09 I figure I can lose 59 lbs.) I know that sounds crazy but I have a plan. Starting 1-4-09 I will do the master cleanser for 14 days from beginning to end. I will also begin my membership to the Y which will coincide with the cleanser. The last time I did it I didn’t exercise in conjunction and I lost 10 lbs, I have since gained it back but that’s a different story. Once that is completed I will go on a “diet” not your traditional diet, but one that eliminates bad “food” and add good “food” to cover 30 weeks, but I will actually do it for 49 weeks. I will also continue exercise.
Get back into dancing- tap, ballet, modern, jazz and belly- I have began belly dancing classes and want to continue them until the end of the year. I will take advantage of other dance courses in the following years that are offered by the local college and gym I am a member.
Get back into Yoga/Pilate's- part of my work out schedule for the upcoming years will include both classes that are offered at my gym.
Maintain relationship/contact with friends- I said for my 30th birthday I will began a complete phasing out of toxic people and work to maintain relationships with my “true” friends.
Financial- these are economic goals some have time lines while others don’t
Pay my Car off- I purchased my current car (12-2008), I have a low percentage rate but its for 5 years; I plan to pay it off (7-2011) which will be about 2 years and 7 months. (which will be within the 3 years that I wanted to pay it off)
Pay my Student Loans off (ugh… I don’t even know where to start with this one I fell like Sallie Mae will always be a part of my life; I have student loans that total over $70,000. I haven’t sat down to create an “attack plan” for this debt. As of right now I am scheduled to have them paid off by 8/14/2034…yes 2034 so we will sweep this under the rug for a bet longer.)
Pay my mom's house off (early) - I have a plan for that LOL!!! I want to have it paid off by 2014, we purchased it in 2006 and I think she has a 30-year mortgage, I haven’t really investigated because I know my mom she hates to talk finances with me and if I don’t have money to encourage her to open dialogue we are in trouble.
Build/Buy a home- I don’t have a plan for this yet, I know it will be after I pay my mom’s house off and once I get a plan for Sallie Mae. Right I figure I can stay in my current place for at least 5 more years, especially with the price of gas and I only live like less than a mile away and I love my neighborhood.
Give back to my Alma maters- I want to be financially relevant alum, I don’t have to have buildings named after me but a scholarship would be nice. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with this, if I am going to get some friends together and we sponsor this or if I am going to do this on my own. I did say I wanted to name one of my scholarships after my mother because it was because of her sacrifices that I accomplished what I have.
Save about $70,000- This is an ongoing thing. No deadline, but I want to do this before I purchase my first home. Now this isn’t just for my first home: $3,000 is for emergency cash that I can go to the ATM and just pull out whenever for whatever not earmarked for anything; $17,000 for living expenses, say I were to lose my job or get sick and tired and just up and quit this would be for about 6 months of living expenses; and $50,000 for a down payment on my home.
Furnish my place- no time line on this, but before I move into my “purchased” home. I want to accumulate investment pieces so that I want be spending money like crazy trying to furnish my new place, cause if I moved right now I would have jack shit…
PERSONAL PROJECTS…things I just want to do because.
Learn Spanish- I took 2 years of Spanish in college, I just want to learn a second language.
Learn Sign Language- in elementary school I check out a book on sign language and taught myself and some of my friends the alphabets, I just want to be able to sign.
Learn to Golf- I dated a guy who golfed/golf and ever since I met him I have always wanted to learn. I think I am going to check out what the local college is offering such classes.
Become a Massage Therapist- as if my current occupation isn’t enough, I just want to do it I have always wanted to do that since a child. And besides it’s always good to have a hobby you can make money in.
Go to the Kentucky Derby- even though I don’t talk to my dad, I do enjoy watching horse races and would love to go with some friends and live it up.
Learn how to play an instrument- which one I don’t know maybe the flute or guitar or piano.
Get my teaching career started- hopefully this will happen by the end of the year, if Human resources will get a move on it.
Pursue higher education ---L.LM, Masters, Ph.D—did you miss the part where I said I had over $70K in student loan debt, I don’t want to accumulate anymore, so hopefully if this teaching gig gets moving, I can maybe teach somewhere that would pay for me to get my degree(s).
Get organized
Go to the hill (Capitol Hill), I just want to work on the hill
Because I am a planner I can’t have to may things planned at once I think I have some things to take me to through years and as I accomplish things I will add a new thing.
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