My insecurities....

Okay I spoke the other day about how the thought of Aaron makes a lot of my insecurities flare up. So lets see if I can flush this out with myself and address them. I told you all I am my own therapist.

Okay about me. Growing up I never thought about getting married, having kids or anything like that. I once met someone I loved? and thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I almost postponed my graduation for him so that we could graduate together, move to St. Louis so he could do grad school and I do whatever was needed to make the relationship work, if that meant go to grad school as well or work while he was in grad school or raise our family while he was in grad school. Now mind you we talked about marriage, but it was never my understanding that we were going as husband and wife but that we were going together. Well circumstances came about that ended our relationship. I found out that he was not completely loyal to me (not sure if he had sex with the girl or what actually happened between but whatever it was I found it wholely inappropriate if I was his girlfriend and the woman he was planning a future with). Well once I found that I lost my mind, I had decided that I was going to this chick residence and cut all of her hair off and mail it to him where he was. So I pack my bag with scissors and zip lock bag in tow, I go to her place of residence only to be told that she isn't there. I go back to her place and the door is open, I go in and take a seat. So I am sitting in this girls residence in the door in front of the door, so I am the first thing she sees when she walks in and turns on the light. Well, I can say it was nothing but the Grace of God, that had my friend suggest we run down stairs so she could check her email and come back before she gets back, cause she was tired of waiting. So we go check her email and as I am waiting she comes home. So I go back and ask her roommate to leave and go smooth off.... I can't really remember all I said to her, but I remember thinking she thinks this is a game. I told her that I would hang her from a tree, and I had figured that I would do it with the sheet from her bed at the tree outside her window. Well I didn't hang her but I did scare the life out of her. Had some questions to answer with the law and almost didn't graduate. But THANKS BE TO GOD, cause it was nothing but him, i was completely emotional and out of control.

So to my insecurities....

1.) I am afraid to ever care about someone so much that I lose myself. I am not sure if I can care or love someone again, because if I get hurt I am not sure how I will handle it. I never want to feel like that again. A hurt that goes to sleep with you, wakes up with you. Its almost like in the cartoons with the dark cloud that just follows you around. I mean I did everything to make it go away. I went to the gym, I drank, I fucked, I worked, I cried, I sought revenge, I did everything except drugs. I can honestly say that it wasn't until like within the last year that I was completely over it all. The love, the hurt, the circumstances that lead to the end of our relationship. I had suppressed and denied myself for so long that one day was like I am so done with this yeah like 7 years latter, talk about baggage.

2.) I am afraid of loosing control. I pride myself on controlling people and situations. I hold all the cards and ration them out as I see fit. and take them back as well. I would love to be the young naive chick I once was. Be able to submit to a man but now the thought of that makes me want to cry. I feel trapped and suffocating to even think about being in such a situation.

3.) Fear of abandonment. I have abandonment issues. I don't know if I can handle a relationship. I can't stand to be "neglected" for any period of time. I become neurotic, does he still like me, is he mad at me, does he want to stop seeing me? I then start playing our last conversations over in my mind wondering where I went wrong, critiquing everything analysing every statement to the point I am exhausted and want out because I don't want him to break it off with me first.

4.) The one issue I want blog about because I think its to personal.

5.) Fear of commitment. I am afraid that I am my father's child. My father hasn't been faithful to anyone that I have known him to be with. I am sure he has his spin on it but NO HE HASN'T. I am afraid that my father's, grandfather's and great grandfather's genes will kick in and I will either be like them or marry someone like them. And looking at my mother's mother I and my dad's mother I may be in trouble. I am afraid of my genes. I love my family be with the good comes the bad. I don't think I would intentionally hurt my mate, but I do believe I am susceptible to poor judgment here and there, which would destroy my current situations.

What else...
Well like I said I have never seen myself with husband and kids. However anyone that I get serious with must understand my relationship with my mother. She is my heart, my backbone, my support. We have a very "strange" relationship and you just have to accept it for what it is. She is the most important person on this earth to me and everyone else comes after. If you are lucky you can be the second most important person in my life. My mother has done so much for me, she has sacrificed so much so that I can have and it is my responsibility to make sure she has everything she wants, needs and desires. Now occasionally she gets a little out of hand and I have to lay down the law. I am an only child so when it gets to a point that she can't take care of herself it will be my responsibility, and there is no if ands buts about it. My mother doesn't want to be put in a nursing home and I will do my damnedest to make sure that never happens. So with that being said, about 2.5 years ago my mother and i (kinda) purchased a townhouse. While we were living together, I was able to pay off all my credit card and my car off. I was then in a position to help her attack this mortgage aggressively, but then I moved. So I have figured that if I get financially strick we can pay this mortgage off in 5 years, as well as both of our cars. So what has that meant I am not buying furniture for my current place, I don't plan on spending unnecessary monies. I am gonna budget, budget budget. I have not factored a man into my life, nor a long distant relationship, nor kids (they would need a budget all by themselves) nor a wedding and all those damn expenses.

With all that being said lets bring it home. I have been thinking about Aaron, only because he makes my insecurities flare up. I want to get to know him, but I can't invite him to my place- I don't have cable, I don't have furniture (I have a futon, a bed, a old TV with no remote, a DVD player, a breakfast nook with 2 stools; my clothes are in Tupperware tubs and luggage; not a picture on the wall; I don't cook nor buy like serious groceries, I mean I could go on) I live like a true pauper. Then he is in an area currently that is 7 hours (yes 7 hours) difference in time. This is only a recipe for tragedy. Then I think he may be interested in the person he knew, knew of in college. I am like 50+lbs. heavier, with baggage, poor communication skills, 10 years of life kicking my ass---- pretty much a horrible candidate to invest time, emotion and energy in. *I throw my hands up*
This is so not something I want to do......I just want to be left alone, I want to cancel, I want to cut all communication, I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I AM SO MY FATHER'S CHILD, I'm cursed this is my punishment for all, foul, ill, wrong shit I have done and my ancestors.............................................................................................................................................................

I am so not a match for anyone, this dude is so out of my league, what the hell am i thinking? I am gonna do nothing my aggravate, frustrate him and ruin the decent friendship we currently have.

Float Test

Okay this was a new concept to me until last night. I was talking to my best friend, yeah the secret agent. She was telling me how "stinky little boy" was ready for the FLOAT TEST and she was all excited. Okay think back to the days when I was a guppy and taking swimming lessons, all that entailed was getting in the pool and having your instructor help you lay on your back and you float. But obviously things have changed and they are training swimmers for the revolution...She proceeds to tell me about the NEW float test. What happens is they just throw your child in the pool, street clothes and all, they ask that you dress them in real shoes no flip flops and swim shoes, pretty much what ever they would wear to school. Once your child is thrown into the pool he must either float for five minutes or swim to the edge. WTF???? I don't know any adults that would take kindly to this test, yet alone a 3 year old. If you all ever met "stinky little boy" you would understand why I am concerned, he is gonna be full of attitude but then again he may surprise me, I hope it does well. Oh did I mention that the have to do this for 3 consecutive classes and they ask that each time your child is dressed in MORE clothes then the last time.

Well anyway that made me think, maybe I should implement the float test in my life. I mentioned to TV Junkie today about my "date" and her advise was don't worry about, don't think about the day of if nothing has been decided I have a plan. But no more talk, no more thoughts, no more stressing and no more worrying. It is what it is.

Okay I am suppose to be cleaning up and I done my room and my bathroom. I have the living room, front room and kitchen left I am moving so slow. I have another eventless weekend planned. I am thinking I will finish cleaning up, maybe pop in a movie and read some police reports. Saturday I think I will try and get up in the morning and finally make it to the market its like a block over and I haven't been since the day I moved into my apartment (yeah like March), pop in a couple of movies, read some police reports and get ready for church. Sunday go to church, then belly dancing, then wash my hair finish up my movie (yeah i got the max 7) and finish up my police reports and make sure I am ready for the week.

I have another blog that came to mind so I am gonna end this one and try to squeeze this one out.

He just made my day....

Okay so Aaron is off the list...yesterday I was having a pretty busy and overwhelming day at work. So I come to sit down at my desk like with 45 minutes left and guess who I have a message from. Seeing his message just make my day, yeah lame I know (i must stop this insanity) So I decided to go home and be a heathen and not go to the dry cleaners, vacation bible school, the grocery store and instead and go home and talk to him. OH SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!. So we talk about we are still trying to figure out what we are gonna do, I did tell him I didn't want to go to the movies cause that would be a waste of 2 hours not talking to him. Of course he had a smart ass response (I wasn't taking you to the movie anyhow) I just wanted to die. So then I tell him I find him scary cause....I don't. He tells me he likes me and what not and we talk about vulnerability and how I hate to feel weak. I wish I could just open up and stay what I felt and thought but its just so damn hard. I want to get to know him and see if my interest is just because its new or genuine, but I am to damn impatient. So we will see.

Today I have a Money matters seminar for my sorority and then I am suppose to go to a club tonight, but I really ain't feeling that, so I may skip it and go tomorrow night, I haven't decided. What else, I finally got my information for my class in yesterday, but i was so overwhelmed and tired I didn't get a chance to look at it. But hopefully I can get it out tomorrow for approval and have it in the mail but Thursday so it will be there timely.

This morning I woke up and read some emails, my old colleague from court sent me this funny as shit email about Baraknaphobia, so I sent it to people I knew, one being my ex. He emails me back and says "I am suppose you are still talking to me" my response, "ugh, why wouldn't i? What have you done, Now? we are good? whats been going on with you?" so we will see what his response will be. I so don't want to get sucked into that web, but I hope we can be friends, we've shared so much, LOL!!!

Back on Aaron---He scares me, we I think about him it triggers my insecurities. I have worked so hard to suppress them, mask them, camouflage them and just the thought of him makes them flare up. THIS DUDE MUST BE STOPPED!!! but i think I may like him.....somebody sedate me please, i can't do this......

My best friends a secret agent

Okay I am not sure if you all remember me telling you that my my best friend went to Egypt....totally cool. So yesterday I was talking with another good friend of mines that knows my best friends, we will call this friend TV junkie. I am not sure if I have talked about TV junkie on here, I think I have. Well TV junkie is my role model. She is the greatest. She was probably the first of my friends to get married and she now has 2 beautiful daughters, she's a stay at home mom, she knows something about everything, if I need to know something or get motivated to do something she's the person. I know I have talked about TV junkie she's the one with her husband that "kidnapped" me to go to this Gala right after I first moved back here. Well anyway she asked me what my BFF did, and I gave her some vague answer cause I know where she works, I know what she says she does but I promise you she does work, though she says otherwise. I joke that she is my Tommye (as in Tommye from Martin). Well Tv Junkie has another theory that I am pondering, she says my BFF is Jennifer Gardner from Alias. Now I haven't seen the show but I do know that its about a secret agent who has all of her friends thinking she is like some computer geek. Cause when I tell you my BFF takes amazing trips with this company and with her last company. So if I go M.I.A then you know some foreign government has taken me hostage for some ill shit that my BFF has done.

What else is going on. I stayed up until 2 a.m. talking to my best friend. We haven't done that shit in a long time. She was bitching about why people don't tell her stuff and I felt guilty cause I hadn't really told her about my potential date with Aaron. She was all excited and then when I told her my position on the lack of communication she was like you are being crazy. Then she proceeds to tell me I have to "play the game". for those that don't I am so against playing the game. I have my own approach, yeah she's married with kid and I am single. But I just don't want to be fake. I don't want to start something that I am not going to finish. I don't want him to meet my representative cause I don't want to meet his. Of course she got on my case because I am impatient and I just don't let things happen. We talked about what we were doing and I told her that honestly I don't want to do dinner and a movie cause if this is gonna be the only time I see him for a while, then I don't want to waste 2 hours sitting in a dark movie being quiet. I would rather go hang out. She was like what about pool or bowling, I was but I am not good at those things. I am not gonna go on a date and suck at something. I can't let him beat me, that would suck. Of course she threatened to slap me cause that sounded crazy. So I don't know what the deal is hell I hate this limbo shit, I just rather throw my hands up and surrender and be like "I'm Done, count me out" she's like just go and have fun. What kind of stupid shit is that....go and have fun. like its that damn easy. I don't know why she is acting like she just met me. She knows me and how I am so why would she say that to me. Cause it ain't happening. Oh well, think I am gonna end up screwing this up to, hopefully it want be to bad and he want wish he had never sent me the "message".

okay i think that's it for now.

My best friends a secret agent

So how's getting deleted

Alright for those who haven't participated in the game this is the first online episode. What normally happens is I get a "hair" in my ass and decided to delete people from my phone for random reasons. I take them to committee (me, myself and I) and we discuss why or why not they should be deleted. Well with the online episode I am actually sharing "somewhat" this is a family show (LOL) my reasons and then well they get the button (the erase button that is). So lets start the "games":


1. Gemini body- gets deleted because I know we only talk occasionally and before your work required you to travel alot. We have had our share of misunderstandings about the status of our friendship. But dude I drove to Dallas to surprise you and I can't get a nothing. You said and I quote "I am gonna make it my business to call you once a week to see how you're doing", of course I didn't believe you when you said it, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt but yet you proved me right. And to add insult to injury you haven't accepted my friendship on myspace (canceling that request as well)....transferring you to electronic address book, ERASED

2. okay we will but Aaron on standby until next Monday

3. Mr. PaPa you were never added back from the last time I deleted you, however you have been deleted from myspace and all your texts have been deleted as well. Gotta keep it moving.

4. LJ is getting deleted...I haven't really talked about him. This was my Law school scandal,he is being deleted because (1) we haven't talked in like a month and (2) the last time we talked you had to many damn questions about who i was associating with. ERASED

5. preacher nupe...hadn't really talked about him, we were good friends back in the cut,but I think his number has changed and we haven't talked since before I moved here...Erased

6. looks good in black and earth tones---you got to go too, cause this is more of the same bullshit from years past for me. you are too controversial, my friends hate you and actually i think one would "try" to "kill" me if she knew about you....plus you have to much going on and i just ain't for the sharing.

okay I think that is good for right now, we have some that are one deck and there activity will be monitored. thank you for you time and tune in next "week" for SO WHO'S GETTING DELETED.

Probaly why I was down in the dumps this weekend...

Okay a couple of things I was so down in the dumps this weekend. After I got off work I went home and went to bed. I then got up and did some cleaning and what not. I went to Wal-mart to pick up a few things plus I got Usher's new CD. (not sure how I feel about it, will keep you posted) I then finally went to bed around 3 a.m. to only have to get up for sorority meeting at 9:30 (actually breakfast is at 9:30 and then meeting at 10, but meeting didn't start till like 10:30ish) So I came home and wasted the rest of the day away, then my best friend called me to tell me all about her trip to Egypt (which actually was the highlight of my day) and then I went to bed. I woke up around 7ish and decided I wasn't going to church, so I slept in until like 9 and did some random things around the house. Then I went to belly dancing which was pretty cool, it got me out the house and doing something.

I figure why I was in such a funk...it was Father's Day weekend and I spent the entire time trying not to hate my father. I really don't want to hate him (cause I ain't trying to go to hell behind him, shit his contributions on earth have been pretty hellacious, really not just the effects they have had on me) In addition, I haven't talked to Aaron since Thursday and if you haven't figured it out I have abandonment issues. When people go M.I.A. on my I somewhat freak and and cut them off completely. So I am slowly cutting Aaron off. I did send him a text today and if I haven't heard from him by Friday of this week then I am done. I am canceling our "date" if that is even what it is and deleting him from my phone. Say what you want, but whatever.

So today a friend of Mr. Phuck around to phuck around comes by my job, to get some assistance. So later on today, I get a call from Mr. PaPa to say thanks for helping his boy out (not really sure what I did, but okay) so then he sensed that I was being short with him and I explained that I am pretty much done with him. He was like okay this is like the 6th or 7th time you have kicked me to the curb, can I at least have a reason. I told him cause I am not use to getting what I want. Which is part of the reason. I am tired, I am tired of the same ole shit in my life when it comes to men. I want something new, something different, something scandal free, potential drama free something that just feels right and this shit, this shit right here ain't it. Okay it is to a point but not what I am looking for. I can't explain what it is I am looking for, I think its more of a feeling. I have this feeling when I initially meet people and then it goes away (thus I loose interest in them). So I am looking for that feeling, I think that Aaron has the potential if he doesn't feed into my abandonment issues and I open up and be completely honest with him. Then again maybe not cause we are so damn far apart and I am not sure what he wants from me. Question- why would a guy tell you he had a crush on you in college (like 8 years ago, ask you about yourself and then suggest you all go you for dinner and a movie when he comes to town?) You can say it I read to much in to such, and yes I do. I will analyze something to death. So this is why I will probably be by myself. So back to Mr. PaPa. Its crazy, I can't commit to him cause i have commitment issues and he can commit to me cause he is already committed. And they are so damn happy, she just fucking lights up when he is in the room. (intelligence reports are a bitch) and then i think she lives in the same city as me. Ugh, yeah this is to much for me. Be my luck I run in to them all lovey dovey....talk about stab me in the heart and turn. So I am done....and if it takes lunch, dinner, drinks to actually say it and mean it to him then so be it. I am cleaning house around here bitches....

speaking of which, you know what time it is.......Delete motherfuckers time........so i will talk to you later.