Here we go again......

So it's the Saturday before Labor Day and I am sitting at home ALONE!!!! That normally wouldn't be odd cause I do it often.....So what's been happening I know its been so long since I have blogged and I am sure this is going to be all over the place.

So I will try to cover major events....Well Aaron is/was back (I think that's what I called him, you know the guy last year that stood me up for 4th of July). Okay so let's talk about him.....Well I gues like a couple of weeks ago I saw him online and just sent a message to say hi, he mentioned that he was just headed back home from New Orleans and things weren't going well. I was like okay you know if you ever need to talk just call and I will listen. So we talked/chatted briefly and randomly he asked me "Do you want to see me" I was like okay/sure. Well I guess right before my birthday (8/23) I called him because he was on my mind and he didn't answer, well the next day he calls me and we talk and it was a cool conversation, so a week goes by and we don't talk and I get an email from him asking for my phone number, he was at work and he wanted to call me, I was like okay, so he calls me from work and he is like what are you doing Labor Day weekend? I am like nothing I do have something that Saturday form 3-6 but other than that nothing...I was like why...he was like I am trying to take a trip.....i was like where are you going...he was like I was trying to come and see you .....i was like O.--OKay...he was like but I am trying to figure out accomodations...i was like well----what do you want to do....he was like I can't say, I am at work.....I am like WTH are you trying to say....he was like not like that i am just at work and i don't want people in my business.....i was like o--okay, then i said well you are more than welcome to stay with me if you want (at that moment I had an outer body experience and was like HE IS???), so he says let me call you back.....so he calls me back and is like I am gonna fly in to BTR not NOLA i was like okay and i come in Friday night and leave early Monday morning. I was like okay, that was Wednesday night, so Thursday morning we talk and I check my email and he has forwarded me his itenitary. So we talk on/off for the past week, we last talk on Wednesday. His flight was suppose to get her Friday at 8:43, so at 6:49 p.m. I get this text message: "I'm so sorry about tis but I had to cancel my flight because I was gonna miss it do to work. I understand if u don't want to talk to me anymore. It was out of my hands" So I call him to see what's going onand he doesn't answer so I text him back "That's fine! Just call me when you get a chance" Well I handle like I ONLY KNOW how, I am numb, indifferent and kinda hurt. I call my friend that I normally met on Friday nights and tell her I ain't driving and i want to drown my sorows in alcohol. so I get drunk.. I of course drunk dial him and he doesn't answer and I send him a text message that he doesn't respond to. So I send him a IM saying "I am not mad at you" I don't hear from him all day today, so I BUZZ him on IM and then call him.....NOTHING!! So I delet him from everything cause I am so confused and don't know what has happened and could be on the crazy train....I JUST WANT DO IT!!!

So with all that being said I am so confused....A TEXT, really? I haven't heard from you at all, really? you stand me up A SECOND TIME? WTH? I don't even know how to feel, I have been attracted to this guy since I was 17 and everytime I talk to him I get butterflies...its just crazy and I don't even know what do/think/feel/etc. I wasn't mad at him for having something come up with work but I am aggravated by the lack of communication, especially when he "harps" on me opening up and that he wants to learn more about me.

Am I Bi-polar?

I really don't have time to be crazy. As a teenager I use to half joke with my friends about, I think I am bi-polar. You know one of my biggest fears is mental disease, I fear mental disease like I fear lizard and ya'll know a lizard will make me hurt myself. So what has made thought of bi-polar resurface.

I went home this weekend and of course my mother had alot of things recorded for me and one of them being Unsung, ya'll know I love "a where are they now type show" well one of the many I watch was about Phylis Hyhmen (I just murdered her name). She was so talented but suddenly (in her 30's mind you) she started havinng sudden and trastic mood swings. I have always been accussed of being moody and the truth is sometimes I will be in a good mood and someone will say something or do something and it jus sets me off.

For example, before I left to go home my mom and I were getting ready to go, she was doing something and I was trying to tell her where it was and for some reason she was acting like she didn't know what the hell I was saying, I just started screaming at her and then she did it and within 5 mins I was hugger her telling her I love her and I would call her when I get home. The week before the 4th I got up at 5:00 am and went walking, I was in a delightful mood and all was well I was strong about my position on HIM and accepting being alone and spending time with me and then I went to Shreveport and got all depressed and started to miss HIM, and so now he is back (I guess) in the picture. I feel so horrible. The list goes on, my with my erratic behavior.

I just don' t know whats wrong with me......in addition to I am not sleeping right combined with the hella amount of stress at my job(s) combined with not eating right and now i am back on the medication......will it ever stop?


I think thats enough for one sitting... I know I have been gone for a while and I want hit you to hard.

My crazy dream

As you know I am a bit crazy.....and for me to have a crazy dream is not that out of the ordinary. I know I haven't written in a very long time and that's been for so many reasons. You know how when you do/doing some dumb you don't really want to talk about it? Well anyway I will have to catch up on that bit by bit so be patient. I will say this, I deleted him from my phone, my facebook and myspace. But he called me on Saturday (the last time we talked) and pretty asked that add him back to facebook which I did but not really sure why, I guess I felt bad. Okay so to my dream.

When I was a kid my family lived really close to one another, my dad's oldest sister lived down the street and my dad's younger sister lived around the corner. As a kid I would walk down the street to my Aunt D's, my mom would watch me walk down and my aunt would stand on her porch and watch for me. My aunt had this second room, at one point she had a roommate, then before my grandmother died she stayed in that room, and then it was my cousin's room when he was born. Well anyway the room was set up like when my aunt had a roommate, which was before my cousin, before my grandmother, which had to be like the early 80's.

So yesterday I went for my annual visit with my Dr., the nurse hands me the normal gown and then she hands me some socks, this is new. So I am on the table and she pulls out the stirrups and I place my feet on them and I begin to feel a hot tingling sensation in my feet. I say to my Dr., doc. ugh is this thing heated cause if not we may have some more serious things to talk about, me having hot flashes at 30. She just starts to laugh and say yes its heated.

So with those three things come my dream. I dreamt that I was my aunts old house, it was set up just like it use to be in the 80's and what not, but I was an adult. HE was there with my roommate who was in the bathroom. I had just come there and he was there, apparently this was his first time because he was asking me which room was my mine and I said the one on the left (which use to be my aunts room) so he proceeds to go to my roommates room and "make it ready" in my dream I wasn't upset or angry, hell I was actually helping him find stuff. It was really weird, so right before I woke up I threw him a pair of socks which he missed catching and I was like they are by your feet, and he said "You sure are full of energy" and my response was and smirk and laugh while saying "only if you knew" and then I woke up.

One of the reason it was so weird was because the aunts roommate who lived in that room later died of Cancer and my grandmother who stayed in that room died of Cancer as well. I have no ideal what all this means. It was weird that I could hear my roommate talking but have no ideal who she was, in a way I think it was me but the voice I didn't recognize. Their are so many things running through my head on this one...anybody up for translating a dream?

Okay I am gonna try to take a 30 min. nap before I go walking with my neighbor. I will have to tell you all about my health woes in another blog.

You got to have a lil ass hole in you to hang with me....

Okay so I am trying to recover from my cold. I doped myself up last night and felt a bit better this morning. I still have a running nose and like coughing but I am feeling better I will drug up once again tonight and 2morrow night so hopefully I will be 100 for work on monday.

So HIM well its over for now. I am broken hearted but okay. So this is how it went down. Well Monday of this week I was just feeling really wierd. So when we talked I asked him "Dude are you gonna break my heart" he was like huh I was like are you going to hurt me. His response and I quote "What, are you in love with me?" I was like no not yet, but I do like you. Then he said "well if you feel like that then maybe you should take sometime away from me" I was like o, okay. So we chit chat some more and then he tells me that he isn't looking for a relationship, that he just got out of a 5 year off/on relationship and that he doesn't have time, that he has stuff that he want to do, etc., etc. So at this moment I am going to take a page from S23 and write him a letter.

Him ,

There is so much I want to say to you. First let me say I am hurt that this couldn't go any further. Like I explained to you it would make know since for me to hang around spinning my wheels if I know you are try to go where I am. You stated that you aren't looking for a relationship and didn't think I was either. You stated that you never meant to lead me on and that you were very carefully in not doing such. Let me say I never felt you were leading me own, and no initally I wasn't looking for a relationship. But the more I spent time with you the more I wanted to spend more time. Like I said I actually like you for you...I like the way you treated me, I like the things you did for me, I liked the things I learned from you. I mean even when I thought you were an asshole it was okay, when it wasn't okay I would tell you and we would move on. Now I didn't like the fact that I found you to be very guarded (i know the pot calling the kettle black) but now I understand why. You have done nothing wrong but be you, and you shouldn't feel bad because you aren't looking for a relationship. That's your position and I accept it. I am taking you advice and taking sometime away.

Readers I am tired of talking about this right now but I will keep you posted on the latest developments.. This cold is kicking my ass and I need to clean house and wash clothes.

I am okay a little sad but okay.

Making my reservation at heart break hotel

So I am not sure what I have done wrong!!!! This is why I don't get involved and/or attached to people. I think this may be coming to an end soon. A series of events is leading me to think this and I am planning my recovery plan. I haven't had my heart broken in a long time. My last relationship I was more pissed than anything, o and stunned cause it was just so random I didn't see it coming. The relationship before that the guy got married on me and I made him and his now ex-wife if freakin basket. But this one here I have already started crying and I DON'T CRY. I think its a bunch of things. For starters I normally bail on things before they get to this point but for some reason (and I know why) I am sticking it out until HE says its not working for him. I bailed on him like 9 years ago because I was starting to really like him and my close friend at the time was giving me so much grief about him, yes dumb I know, so this is my pay back.....HEART BREAK!!!!

So what has happened. let's see. I think the last time we spoke I was telling you about my abandonment issues. I hate feeling like I have been "left". Well so HE called and I went over and spent the night. I get up the next morning and shower and head to my mom's well before I leave he says "I think your tires are low" and so he pulls out a tire gauge and checks my tires and puts air in them.....okay so that was WONDERFUL...we don't really talk while I am gone to my moms just an occasional text here and there. so i come back that monday and we talk briefly. On Tuesday, I brought dinner because I told him my sorority was doing a fundraiser. This restaruant was given a percentage of the orders placed to one of our non-profits we were volunteering with. So we eat and played Wii and I go home. We talk Wednesday and Thursday we talked. It started Thursday we were talking and he brings up a that he dated a girl 7 years his junior. I ask what do you all have to talk about about and then I asked him when was this? His response was "NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS"... I am like stunned...WTF ??? Well I tell him that I don't appreciate that and how it hurts my feelings and some more stuff.

So now I think we have issues, we hung out friday and it was okay, we were really on the same page but i don't know. then sat. I don't talk to him all day and i ask to come by because i am on his side of town he says no and then i ask if i would see him sunday. he tells me that he hates having to tell me no when i ask to come over, so I say how about I not ask and just wait for you to invite me over, he says no how about you just (not ask so often, I can't remember how he put it but thats what he meant.) I was like okay.....in my mind I was like WHAT!!! Well anyway I talked to him briefly around 7 to see how his day was and thats it. I feel like I am a distraction/liability and this shit is going to be over soon and I don't want it to be.

I know this is a little crazy but sorry!!!!

Would this go under.....

I may have told this story before I am not sure....I had this advisor in college that told the funniest story. She had this cat and she would always talk about how crazy her cat was. So one one day she explained this bizzare behavior of her cat to the vet. She told the vet that when she comes back from being out of time or gone for a extended period of time when she got back the cat would just go bizerck and but after a day or two the cat would go back to normal. She would like almost freak out when she would come back. So the vet told her the cat isn't crazy it just thinks that when you are gone like that that you are dead so its starts it mourning and the you show up and it gets all freaked out. I share that story to say I think I am alot like that cat any unexplained absences from a significant other freaks me out. I think this goes under abandonment issues. So what's going through my mind, so after HE changed my oil yesterday we went our separate ways he went to his house and I went to mine. Well I mentioned that I wanted to stay the night tonight since we both were off. Now in my mind i was gonna stay the night and get up in the morning and head to my mom's, from there. Well we exchange text and I told him I would call when I leave and so I called his house and cell phone and no answer then i texted him no response. Okay i know i know i know....but I HATE WHEN I GET NO RESPONSE FROM PEOPLE......it makes me feel lonely, abandoned and ignored and it all reminds me of my dad.....

I can't say its insecurity because I don't the thought of him being with someone else is not a concern, hell if he was it would account for the NO response and for some crazy reason I would feel better knowing that. See this is why I don't do relationships because I have to much baggage. as i type this he is calling me.....and all of a sudden i feel better!!!

I CONFESS I AM CRAZY!!!!!

He's amazing.....

Okay I just have one thing to say.....he's amazing. Weekend before last I was fussing because I took my car to Firestone, where I always take it to have an oil change, I dropped it off and went to church and to eat with my family, 5 hours later when I got back they hadn't touched my car, in addition to that I had to drive back to Baton Rouge. So I mentioned it to HIM, (made a wrong turn back there) and he says don't worry about it I will change it for you. I said okay so the week went by and I was like I'll be damned if by the time I leave to go back home for Easter and my oil hadn't been change I will take care of it myself. Well we were talking and he was like I didn't know you were going home for Easter I was like yeah I am gonna leave Friday and come back Monday. So Sunday he invites me to go to Sam's with him because he knows I want to go and price TV's for my lil girl so while we are in there he picks up a case of oil, I am like what are you gonna do with all of that, he like its for our cars. Long story short....yo' gurl just got her oil changed. I bought the oil because my car takes a different kinda of oil than his and he changed it and even showed me stuff under my hood. I love a handy man........

I can't say I am in love but shit I do love the way he treats me and makes me feel....He's amazing!!!

So his birthday is coming up next month and I am trying to figure out what to get him/do for his birthday. I have some ideals but I need to sit on them for a minute and get back to you on them.