Freespeech22 organized chaos

Here we go again......

2009-09-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

So it's the Saturday before Labor Day and I am sitting at home ALONE!!!! That normally wouldn't be odd cause I do it often.....So what's been happening I know its been so long since I have blogged and I am sure this is going to be all over the place.

So I will try to cover major events....Well Aaron is/was back (I think that's what I called him, you know the guy last year that stood me up for 4th of July). Okay so let's talk about him.....Well I gues like a couple of weeks ago I saw him online and just sent a message to say hi, he mentioned that he was just headed back home from New Orleans and things weren't going well. I was like okay you know if you ever need to talk just call and I will listen. So we talked/chatted briefly and randomly he asked me "Do you want to see me" I was like okay/sure. Well I guess right before my birthday (8/23) I called him because he was on my mind and he didn't answer, well the next day he calls me and we talk and it was a cool conversation, so a week goes by and we don't talk and I get an email from him asking for my phone number, he was at work and he wanted to call me, I was like okay, so he calls me from work and he is like what are you doing Labor Day weekend? I am like nothing I do have something that Saturday form 3-6 but other than that nothing...I was like why...he was like I am trying to take a trip.....i was like where are you going...he was like I was trying to come and see you .....i was like O.--OKay...he was like but I am trying to figure out accomodations...i was like well----what do you want to do....he was like I can't say, I am at work.....I am like WTH are you trying to say....he was like not like that i am just at work and i don't want people in my business.....i was like o--okay, then i said well you are more than welcome to stay with me if you want (at that moment I had an outer body experience and was like HE IS???), so he says let me call you back.....so he calls me back and is like I am gonna fly in to BTR not NOLA i was like okay and i come in Friday night and leave early Monday morning. I was like okay, that was Wednesday night, so Thursday morning we talk and I check my email and he has forwarded me his itenitary. So we talk on/off for the past week, we last talk on Wednesday. His flight was suppose to get her Friday at 8:43, so at 6:49 p.m. I get this text message: "I'm so sorry about tis but I had to cancel my flight because I was gonna miss it do to work. I understand if u don't want to talk to me anymore. It was out of my hands" So I call him to see what's going onand he doesn't answer so I text him back "That's fine! Just call me when you get a chance" Well I handle like I ONLY KNOW how, I am numb, indifferent and kinda hurt. I call my friend that I normally met on Friday nights and tell her I ain't driving and i want to drown my sorows in alcohol. so I get drunk.. I of course drunk dial him and he doesn't answer and I send him a text message that he doesn't respond to. So I send him a IM saying "I am not mad at you" I don't hear from him all day today, so I BUZZ him on IM and then call him.....NOTHING!! So I delet him from everything cause I am so confused and don't know what has happened and could be on the crazy train....I JUST WANT DO IT!!!

So with all that being said I am so confused....A TEXT, really? I haven't heard from you at all, really? you stand me up A SECOND TIME? WTH? I don't even know how to feel, I have been attracted to this guy since I was 17 and everytime I talk to him I get butterflies...its just crazy and I don't even know what do/think/feel/etc. I wasn't mad at him for having something come up with work but I am aggravated by the lack of communication, especially when he "harps" on me opening up and that he wants to learn more about me.

Am I Bi-polar?

2009-07-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

I really don't have time to be crazy. As a teenager I use to half joke with my friends about, I think I am bi-polar. You know one of my biggest fears is mental disease, I fear mental disease like I fear lizard and ya'll know a lizard will make me hurt myself. So what has made thought of bi-polar resurface.

I went home this weekend and of course my mother had alot of things recorded for me and one of them being Unsung, ya'll know I love "a where are they now type show" well one of the many I watch was about Phylis Hyhmen (I just murdered her name). She was so talented but suddenly (in her 30's mind you) she started havinng sudden and trastic mood swings. I have always been accussed of being moody and the truth is sometimes I will be in a good mood and someone will say something or do something and it jus sets me off.

For example, before I left to go home my mom and I were getting ready to go, she was doing something and I was trying to tell her where it was and for some reason she was acting like she didn't know what the hell I was saying, I just started screaming at her and then she did it and within 5 mins I was hugger her telling her I love her and I would call her when I get home. The week before the 4th I got up at 5:00 am and went walking, I was in a delightful mood and all was well I was strong about my position on HIM and accepting being alone and spending time with me and then I went to Shreveport and got all depressed and started to miss HIM, and so now he is back (I guess) in the picture. I feel so horrible. The list goes on, my with my erratic behavior.

I just don' t know whats wrong with me......in addition to I am not sleeping right combined with the hella amount of stress at my job(s) combined with not eating right and now i am back on the medication......will it ever stop?

I think thats enough for one sitting... I know I have been gone for a while and I want hit you to hard.

My crazy dream

2009-06-25T02:28:00.001-07:00

As you know I am a bit crazy.....and for me to have a crazy dream is not that out of the ordinary. I know I haven't written in a very long time and that's been for so many reasons. You know how when you do/doing some dumb you don't really want to talk about it? Well anyway I will have to catch up on that bit by bit so be patient. I will say this, I deleted him from my phone, my facebook and myspace. But he called me on Saturday (the last time we talked) and pretty asked that add him back to facebook which I did but not really sure why, I guess I felt bad. Okay so to my dream.

When I was a kid my family lived really close to one another, my dad's oldest sister lived down the street and my dad's younger sister lived around the corner. As a kid I would walk down the street to my Aunt D's, my mom would watch me walk down and my aunt would stand on her porch and watch for me. My aunt had this second room, at one point she had a roommate, then before my grandmother died she stayed in that room, and then it was my cousin's room when he was born. Well anyway the room was set up like when my aunt had a roommate, which was before my cousin, before my grandmother, which had to be like the early 80's.

So yesterday I went for my annual visit with my Dr., the nurse hands me the normal gown and then she hands me some socks, this is new. So I am on the table and she pulls out the stirrups and I place my feet on them and I begin to feel a hot tingling sensation in my feet. I say to my Dr., doc. ugh is this thing heated cause if not we may have some more serious things to talk about, me having hot flashes at 30. She just starts to laugh and say yes its heated.

So with those three things come my dream. I dreamt that I was my aunts old house, it was set up just like it use to be in the 80's and what not, but I was an adult. HE was there with my roommate who was in the bathroom. I had just come there and he was there, apparently this was his first time because he was asking me which room was my mine and I said the one on the left (which use to be my aunts room) so he proceeds to go to my roommates room and "make it ready" in my dream I wasn't upset or angry, hell I was actually helping him find stuff. It was really weird, so right before I woke up I threw him a pair of socks which he missed catching and I was like they are by your feet, and he said "You sure are full of energy" and my response was and smirk and laugh while saying "only if you knew" and then I woke up.

One of the reason it was so weird was because the aunts roommate who lived in that room later died of Cancer and my grandmother who stayed in that room died of Cancer as well. I have no ideal what all this means. It was weird that I could hear my roommate talking but have no ideal who she was, in a way I think it was me but the voice I didn't recognize. Their are so many things running through my head on this one...anybody up for translating a dream?

Okay I am gonna try to take a 30 min. nap before I go walking with my neighbor. I will have to tell you all about my health woes in another blog.

You got to have a lil ass hole in you to hang with me....

2009-05-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

Okay so I am trying to recover from my cold. I doped myself up last night and felt a bit better this morning. I still have a running nose and like coughing but I am feeling better I will drug up once again tonight and 2morrow night so hopefully I will be 100 for work on monday.

So HIM well its over for now. I am broken hearted but okay. So this is how it went down. Well Monday of this week I was just feeling really wierd. So when we talked I asked him "Dude are you gonna break my heart" he was like huh I was like are you going to hurt me. His response and I quote "What, are you in love with me?" I was like no not yet, but I do like you. Then he said "well if you feel like that then maybe you should take sometime away from me" I was like o, okay. So we chit chat some more and then he tells me that he isn't looking for a relationship, that he just got out of a 5 year off/on relationship and that he doesn't have time, that he has stuff that he want to do, etc., etc. So at this moment I am going to take a page from S23 and write him a letter.

Him ,

There is so much I want to say to you. First let me say I am hurt that this couldn't go any further. Like I explained to you it would make know since for me to hang around spinning my wheels if I know you are try to go where I am. You stated that you aren't looking for a relationship and didn't think I was either. You stated that you never meant to lead me on and that you were very carefully in not doing such. Let me say I never felt you were leading me own, and no initally I wasn't looking for a relationship. But the more I spent time with you the more I wanted to spend more time. Like I said I actually like you for you...I like the way you treated me, I like the things you did for me, I liked the things I learned from you. I mean even when I thought you were an asshole it was okay, when it wasn't okay I would tell you and we would move on. Now I didn't like the fact that I found you to be very guarded (i know the pot calling the kettle black) but now I understand why. You have done nothing wrong but be you, and you shouldn't feel bad because you aren't looking for a relationship. That's your position and I accept it. I am taking you advice and taking sometime away.

Readers I am tired of talking about this right now but I will keep you posted on the latest developments.. This cold is kicking my ass and I need to clean house and wash clothes.

I am okay a little sad but okay.

Making my reservation at heart break hotel

2009-04-19T18:51:00.001-07:00

So I am not sure what I have done wrong!!!! This is why I don't get involved and/or attached to people. I think this may be coming to an end soon. A series of events is leading me to think this and I am planning my recovery plan. I haven't had my heart broken in a long time. My last relationship I was more pissed than anything, o and stunned cause it was just so random I didn't see it coming. The relationship before that the guy got married on me and I made him and his now ex-wife if freakin basket. But this one here I have already started crying and I DON'T CRY. I think its a bunch of things. For starters I normally bail on things before they get to this point but for some reason (and I know why) I am sticking it out until HE says its not working for him. I bailed on him like 9 years ago because I was starting to really like him and my close friend at the time was giving me so much grief about him, yes dumb I know, so this is my pay back.....HEART BREAK!!!!

So what has happened. let's see. I think the last time we spoke I was telling you about my abandonment issues. I hate feeling like I have been "left". Well so HE called and I went over and spent the night. I get up the next morning and shower and head to my mom's well before I leave he says "I think your tires are low" and so he pulls out a tire gauge and checks my tires and puts air in them.....okay so that was WONDERFUL...we don't really talk while I am gone to my moms just an occasional text here and there. so i come back that monday and we talk briefly. On Tuesday, I brought dinner because I told him my sorority was doing a fundraiser. This restaruant was given a percentage of the orders placed to one of our non-profits we were volunteering with. So we eat and played Wii and I go home. We talk Wednesday and Thursday we talked. It started Thursday we were talking and he brings up a that he dated a girl 7 years his junior. I ask what do you all have to talk about about and then I asked him when was this? His response was "NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS"... I am like stunned...WTF ??? Well I tell him that I don't appreciate that and how it hurts my feelings and some more stuff.

So now I think we have issues, we hung out friday and it was okay, we were really on the same page but i don't know. then sat. I don't talk to him all day and i ask to come by because i am on his side of town he says no and then i ask if i would see him sunday. he tells me that he hates having to tell me no when i ask to come over, so I say how about I not ask and just wait for you to invite me over, he says no how about you just (not ask so often, I can't remember how he put it but thats what he meant.) I was like okay.....in my mind I was like WHAT!!! Well anyway I talked to him briefly around 7 to see how his day was and thats it. I feel like I am a distraction/liability and this shit is going to be over soon and I don't want it to be.

I know this is a little crazy but sorry!!!!

Would this go under.....

2009-04-09T18:20:00.000-07:00

I may have told this story before I am not sure....I had this advisor in college that told the funniest story. She had this cat and she would always talk about how crazy her cat was. So one one day she explained this bizzare behavior of her cat to the vet. She told the vet that when she comes back from being out of time or gone for a extended period of time when she got back the cat would just go bizerck and but after a day or two the cat would go back to normal. She would like almost freak out when she would come back. So the vet told her the cat isn't crazy it just thinks that when you are gone like that that you are dead so its starts it mourning and the you show up and it gets all freaked out. I share that story to say I think I am alot like that cat any unexplained absences from a significant other freaks me out. I think this goes under abandonment issues. So what's going through my mind, so after HE changed my oil yesterday we went our separate ways he went to his house and I went to mine. Well I mentioned that I wanted to stay the night tonight since we both were off. Now in my mind i was gonna stay the night and get up in the morning and head to my mom's, from there. Well we exchange text and I told him I would call when I leave and so I called his house and cell phone and no answer then i texted him no response. Okay i know i know i know....but I HATE WHEN I GET NO RESPONSE FROM PEOPLE......it makes me feel lonely, abandoned and ignored and it all reminds me of my dad.....

I can't say its insecurity because I don't the thought of him being with someone else is not a concern, hell if he was it would account for the NO response and for some crazy reason I would feel better knowing that. See this is why I don't do relationships because I have to much baggage. as i type this he is calling me.....and all of a sudden i feel better!!!

I CONFESS I AM CRAZY!!!!!

He's amazing.....

2009-04-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

Okay I just have one thing to say.....he's amazing. Weekend before last I was fussing because I took my car to Firestone, where I always take it to have an oil change, I dropped it off and went to church and to eat with my family, 5 hours later when I got back they hadn't touched my car, in addition to that I had to drive back to Baton Rouge. So I mentioned it to HIM, (made a wrong turn back there) and he says don't worry about it I will change it for you. I said okay so the week went by and I was like I'll be damned if by the time I leave to go back home for Easter and my oil hadn't been change I will take care of it myself. Well we were talking and he was like I didn't know you were going home for Easter I was like yeah I am gonna leave Friday and come back Monday. So Sunday he invites me to go to Sam's with him because he knows I want to go and price TV's for my lil girl so while we are in there he picks up a case of oil, I am like what are you gonna do with all of that, he like its for our cars. Long story short....yo' gurl just got her oil changed. I bought the oil because my car takes a different kinda of oil than his and he changed it and even showed me stuff under my hood. I love a handy man........

I can't say I am in love but shit I do love the way he treats me and makes me feel....He's amazing!!!

So his birthday is coming up next month and I am trying to figure out what to get him/do for his birthday. I have some ideals but I need to sit on them for a minute and get back to you on them.

2 things that bugged me this morning....

2009-04-07T08:21:00.001-07:00

I have been meaning to tell you all about the candy man....there is this dude that stands in front of the courthouse everyday, he is there when I get to work (8:30 - 9:00) and is there when I leave for lunch (that time varies) My first annoyance is that all is sells is chocolate, yeah The world's finest, you know the school fundraiser candy, and who in the hell wants a damn candy bar at 8:30 a.m. can a sista get some fruits, a egg sandwich, a bowl of grits, hell its cold how about some hot chocolate. I mean really!!! I just want to scream when I see him in the morning, "I got candy bars for sale" I just want to say "WHY??" its not even snack time yet.

my second annoyance is ......okay my boss had this great ideal to move us to the 4th floor, which is the same floor and probation and parole and where they do drug testing ( i will have to tell you about my glorified typewriter later) well anyway, why do people think that when the come for a drug test they have to smell like drugs? I mean hell today I think I got a contact high.

okay I think that is it for now.....take care.

I know I know I have alot of pieces to put together for you, hopefully I will do that in time.

Not since Feb.

2009-04-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

I a sure by now I have lost all my readers (LOL, all three of you guys). I am so sorry but I will say I have be SUPER BUSY! Lets see I started a second part-time job and I met someone.

So let's talk about the part time gig, well you all know I am teaching online which is part of the reason I haven't been around but the second job is with an attorney working with. I haven't been getting out of there til around 6 pm and I have Delta advisor commitments and I have decided to join Jr. League. So with all that my head has been spinning.

Oh and last week I was rear ended.

Okay so to the Man, lets see we will call him "Wrong turn back there somewhere" (WTBTS). Okay he is amazing and he's and weird asshole. Okay I can't really explain the weird asshole part but I have to keep it balanced. He is amazing so let pray I don't fuck this up, again. I actually "dated" him in college but for my own crazy reasons I stopped talking to him. I have been pushing myself to say around and not run away and I must say just when I am thinking of running away I come back and he does something amazing. I am not really hard to please I love attention, affection (in private, not really comfortable with public display of affection) and thoughtfulness. Just yesterday, I deleted him from my phone, WHY? Because my insecurities got the best of me, but he texts me and wants to know if I want to go somewhere with him that I had mentioned earlier and I was all better.

Ladies and Gentleman I have a confession....Freespeech 22 has some insecurities when it comes to men. Speaking of my men in securities....my ex boyfriend is out of jail, I have not yet run into him. Thank you Father!!!! but a friend of mine has......

What else....nothing much March was just a busy month for me between my 1 full-time job, 2 part-time jobs, Delta and Jr. League out of my mind busy.

Renaissance Woman

2009-02-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

Today my boss called me a renaissance woman, it made me feel kinda good. I personally think I am pretty boring she would disagree. So what's going on you may ask well.

This weekend I went to see the "lil" girl. I got home Friday after picking up my cousin on the way. He, myself and my aunt wen to eat and chatted for a bit, afterwards I came back to her house and did some work followed by going home and catching up on some TV my mom had recorded for me. So my lil girl gets home and we talk a bit, watch a little TV and the go to bed. While I was away my lil girl bought me to pair of really cute shoes that I was eyeing while I was home for Christmas. Well my new (lazy) thing is that when I go home to not pack just take all my dirty clothes home and was and figure out something amongst what I have. With the shoes my mom bought me and the ones I had on something had to work. Well Saturday, I am awaken by my crazy ass BFF and we talk and what not, I then get up and start washing and watching TV. My youngest cousin on my mother's side had her baby shower so once my little girl got off work we did the family thing. Then we went back to the store where she bought my shoes just to look and I walked out with a $3 skirt, $9 skirt, $12 dress, and 2 pairs of $9 shoes. Talk about a sale and for those that know me know I am not a shopper but I couldn't leave them. I was so excited that I didn't even try on the shoes. Well I get home and try them on and low and be hold one of them was do small. For the longest i have worn a 7.5 or 8 shoe and now my foot wants to grow and be an 8 or 8.5..... Well after church I exchanged the7.5 for 8.5 and the 8 I just keep so i am packing up my car and something tells me to look at my shoes my mom bought me and try them on ugh one pair i wore to church and the other was TO SMALL...so I had to exchange them too.
So my cousin and I head back.

I signed up for this reading program at the library and the first book we are doing is a lessen before dying, well knew i wasn't gonna have time to read it while I was away and someone suggested i do books on CD...where has this been I did 6 of 7 CD going home and back and finished the last CD last night while cleaning. I am so ready because Ernest Gaines is coming to town to talk about the book and I finished it I know need to get started on the next one.

Random thought: I got paid Friday and looked at my vacation and noticed I was getting close to my maximum and started freaking out...cause once you get to the max you loose them and i was against loosing days...that like working for free. So I went through my calendar and decided I was gonna take some days if I didn't do anything but sit on my ass. LOL!!!

Okay i think that is all right now. will chat later

All the rage...

2009-02-03T03:32:00.000-08:00

Okay so I hang out on facebook and lately all the rage has been random 25 things about you so I did it but once I got started I couldn't stop so here are 31 randome things about me.

1.) People say growing up I was always smiling, my smile was referred to as a Kool-Aid smile (thanks Tonya)

2.) In college I thought I was going to go from Nikki to Dani, but some reason I am referred to as Danielle “Nikki” Brown by people who went to college with me (thanks Terri and Kenya)

3.) I love to dance but never stick with it…I am ballet drop-out, modern drop-out, jazz drop-out, tap drop-out and most recently a belly dance drop-out. ( I think my ballet teacher played some part in that, I have been scared ever since); I was even on an all-star dance team

4.) I was a cheerleading (9th -12th grade, Co-Capt. in 9th and 12th grade), those who know me now find that so hard to believe

5.) I love my little girl, my mother; at some point in my life the roles reversed and now I am the mother and she is the daughter; people say she is my twin

6.) I struggle everyday not to hate my father, about a year ago I came to peace with my daddy issues, now I just struggle not to hate him….oh and people say he is my twin when we are together (but I don’t for see that happening ever again)

7.) If I was not my mother’s daughter, I would have been a stripper in college and law school (hell Sallie Mae is kicking my ass) and would be tattooed up like it wasn’t anybodies business, however my mother whips out the Bible and turns to Leviticus every time I mention or she thinks I am thinking about getting inked.

8.) I have the strangest taste in men; you have to know me to know what I am talking about. It’s the craziest things that I find attractive, like calf muscles (Take the wheel Jesus); arms (there was this police officer that I just wanted to bit his arms they were just like large apples) okay TMI sorry.

9.) I haven’t had a drink of alcohol since July 08’, now if I can make it through Mardi Gras, I am officially DONE with the spirits

10.) Tuesday, January 25, 2000 was a day that changed my life, however I wouldn’t realize it until years later

11.) By the time I had gotten to college I wasn’t really interested in a lot of things people are while in college, hell I had done it all in high school……We must remember I enforce the law now….

12.) When I was in kindergarten I locked myself in the lockers trying to play a joke on my teacher, well the joke was on my…I think I had a nervous breakdown and have been claustorophic ever since.

13.) One of my biggest fears is to not have control

14.) When I see people who knew me growing up they always find it hysterical that I am a lawyer

15.) I am shy, I really don’t like people and social events or networking…..I feel like a prostitute, as if I am selling my soul…cause I would rather be at home

16.) I LOVE TO SLEEP

17.) I HATE BEING COLD

18.) Large crowds of people make me uncomfortable

19.) I have a secret desire to be pregnant….now let me clarify I want to be pregnant for 9 months, breast feed for another year and be done….and I also want a reception (not a wedding), my friends say it isn’t possible (don’t want to raise anybody, just be fluffy)

20.) I love history and old shit

21.) I have this secret fascination with Cuba, Afghanistan, Zaire (Lumumba, Mobutu) and Judaism and the whole Middle East conflict……unfortunately I don’t have the time or energy to feed my fancy

22.) I love being around people who I think are smarter than me….I am a parasite/sponge I love learning new things, stuff I didn’t know

23.) When I was in the 8th my Adv. Social Studies teacher showed this cartoon in class and it depicted black people black as tar, with big red lips….not really sure of its significance but every since then I hated being in Advanced or Pre-AP or AP classes….(the only people who thought this may have been offensive were (Kristy and John, thanks guys);

24.) In 6th grade, I decided that my table would accentuate the positive, meaning that the girl that was good at handwriting would do everyone’s handwriting, the girl that would good at math would do all the math, the girl that was good at spelling would do all the spelling and so forth…I was accused of cheating and now people pay/make good money for dividing up task…I still don’t like my 6th grade teacher to this day, that wasn’t the only time she accused me of cheating , she said I cheated on my science test (just cause I drew a fucking diagram of fission and fusion) BITCH…

25.) I am a neat freak/anal/straight to the point/Bitch

26.) I am on a roll now…..When I was younger I wanted to be: a lawyer, a politician, an archeologist, a sociologist, a pshycairist, a physiologist, a robotic engineer, Robin Given’s character from Boomerang, and just a random person that had a random job

27.) I am a horrible speller

28.) My last year or so of college, I was the “Commissioner of Fun”

29.) I have always worked, I had a job at 15…I have at major points in my life had 2 jobs, summer before my freshman year in college, while on line, after graduation from college, after graduation from law school….so I have zero tolerance for people who don’t work

30.) I have zero tolerance for people who use their upbringing as an excuse for why they commit crimes or are in jail….cause I know better.

31.) Okay this is the last one…I had the biggest crush on J.C. Watts, my BFF volunteer for the Republican Party in Hawaii and got me a nice size photo of him. I remember when she sent it to me I was in heaven….I mean Micheal Steele is nice but he ain’t got nothing on Julius Ceasar Watts.

100 Post

2009-02-03T03:31:00.000-08:00

I just logged in and realized I have posted 100 blog....wow!!!! This is a milestone, isn't it should I have a party or something?

This week

2009-01-31T17:51:00.000-08:00

This week was rather cool..Monday I felt like I was allover the place. But Tuesday was good i went to church, our pastor didn't lead Bible Study but an associate minister. One of the guys on the media ministry said something really interesting to me he said "you sure are hard on yourself". I never thought I was or that was true, but maybe it is . Is that a bad thing? Well anyway so on Wednesday I chilled nothing major happened. Thursday I went to a social and was actually social. I know you all want believe it, but I am a bit anti-social. I am on the volunteer committee for the local bar and we are trying to recruit new member well in talking with some of the old members I found out that we had more in common than just being lawyers. Friday was interesting, I left work and came home took a nap and did some work with the Delta's . Today I went to a Delta program and came home and rested did a little work and exercised. I have officially watched 2 whack moves "Deception" and "I know who killed me". I am gonna have a snack and go to be

A whole week later.....

2009-01-31T17:04:00.000-08:00

I know I said I was going to finish last weekend, so before I go into my week I will finish telling you aobut last weekend. So I told you all about Friday.

Saturday
Well Saturday I got up and went to an investiture of a judge that one district court here. She was a city court judge and I had to practice in front of her. I really never enjoyed practicing in front of her because she seemed to undermine the entire criminal justice system. I am going to try to write from her view point as well as mine. So her view point--- she believes she is helping people by not putting them in jail. All they really need is someone to take time with them and give them attention. Jail isn't the answer. If I only make a different in one persons life than my job here is done. i want to be there friend not there judge.
My viewpoint WHAT THE FUCK!!!! friend not judge, this is not a social club we have a courtroom full of people and pages of cases to handle. Basic lessons here people "leave other peoples stuff alone", "keep your hands off of each other" and just say no to drugs otherwise I am trying to put your ass in jail. I am not a social worker and I really don't care what HAD happened. You have a right to a lawyer (though it not my fault your lawyer is horrible).
Now I know it sounds harsh, but when I was a public defender we were SERIOUS about our job, yes mind you I dealt with felons and these are only misdemanors. I just think everyone should do there job. Whereas the judge thinks that since I know the PD is HORRIBLE I should take time and work with the people. BULLSHIT!!! the PD needs to be fired and somebody that is compatent should replace them, else shits gonna happen. I know you are thinking DAMN freespeech...but I hate people who don't take there job serious and don't challenge me. (YES its about me now) but seriously if I come with my A game I need you to come with your A game, not your Y game. Well anyway back to the investiture it was at the judges church and it began with an african dance troupe to usher in the spirit. It was amazing followed by speakers and presentations, it was nice I felt kind of bad seeing that I am somewhat indifferent to the fact that she is leaving City Court. Well anyway I came home and changed clothes and went grocery shopping and ran some other errands.

Sunday
I got up an went to church. I then went to a Roe v. Wade celebration. It was sponsored by Planned Parenthood and it was celebrating the 36th anniversary. It is something that Iwould have never done if I weren't invited. It was called voices, it was different woman speaking reading expercpt about other woman's expereiences with abortions. It was really interesting, I even ran into my Women and Gender Studies professor from college. I also ran into a lady who's campaign i worked on while in law school (actually she was the one who invited me.) Well before I left to go my neighbor called me and said she had something for me. I told her that I had somewhere to go and that I would call her when I get back. Well as I was driving back home, I saw her headed out for her walk and so she waited for me and we walked. So when we got back she had bought a picture at hobby lobby for me. I was kinda wierd but nice, I guess the fact that I hadn't done any decorating. So we put the picture up in my bedroom moved some furniture around in my front room and living room and not its looks like somebody may actually live here.

So that was my weekend...(last week)

Coming full circle

2009-01-27T15:25:00.002-08:00

I have been meaning to blog, especially about this past weekend.

So Friday I go see Angela Davis, Saturday I go to a investiture, Sunday I go to Roe v. Wade celebration, Monday I baked lasagna, and today I went to my bosses father's funeral. I think my approach to this blog will be day by day.

Friday
It was a busy day so I thought it would be, I planned on going to work, leaving work around 1:30 and going on campus to hear Angela Davis speak for MLK, picking up my dry cleaning and coming home wash my hair or wash clothes get up and go out (yes I said go out) and hear the New Birth Brass Band from New Orleans. Well instead my day went like this. I did go to work, I left around1:45 got to campus couldn't find a parking spot, made a parking spot and rushed in to hear Angela Davis speak. I remember thinking her speech was full circle she went from Barak to MLK, to the civil rights march really being the freedom march a killing that happened in Oakland, back to MLK's dream not being fulfilled by Obama and everything in between. While there I ended up standing next to one of my facilitators from the Race Dialogue. She asked if I could sign up for the advanced session that she was facilitating. Of course I said sure, even though I have already signed up for a course with the library that will be going on, on the same day. The advanced class is from 5:30- 7:30 and the library class is from 7-9, I have no ideal how I am going to work this out. But I want to do both. Well after I left campus I picked up my dry cleaning I spent over $50 on dry cleaning, I guess that isn't that bad since may be the 3rd or 2nd time I have been to the dry cleaners since I moved hear in March. After that I came home and decided I need to go to the bank. One thing about where I leaving I can pretty much walk anywhere. So I walked to a service center for my credit union (maybe a block or 2 away). I had to get some exercise in some way. I came home and decided I need a nap. Well that was that for going out cause once I got up I talked to my BFF all night and went back to bed. Oh, I forgot to mention I brought cheesecake to my job (2 that i made a plain one and a caramel one).

I will do another blog for Saturday.

Coming full circle

2009-01-27T15:25:00.001-08:00

My answers

2009-01-18T22:26:00.001-08:00

S23- had this post called the interview and these are the question she sent me and my response.

Sorry I am pretty boring.

1. Have you ever gone on a blind date? If so, how'd that turn out?

NO, I think my friends are afraid to hook me up with anyone, cause they know me.

2. Who's that "one that got away?"

UGH, I don’t know. A couple of people come to mind. 1.) Marques- but maybe that was for my own good. It has taken me forever to come that that realization. I didn’t realize until a long time after it was over how manipulative he was, I thought he was the one. We had planned our lives together; I was going to prolong my graduation for another semester, so we could graduate together. We were going to move to St. Louis so he could go to grad school and I would go to law school (I guess or support him while he did grad school). And I would live happily ever after- but then he lost his mind. 2.) Myles- he hasn’t gone anywhere and that’s part of the problem. As much as I love him, I can’t be with him because he doesn’t have follow through. I think he may have finally gotten it, but only time will tell. But he’s still my bestest friend. If I can find a man with his qualities minus the deal breakers it would be so ON. Actually, I think the answer is I haven’t met him, cause for the most part I have open lines of communication with most of the people I have occupied time with and though I may think about them occasionally, I get over it.

3. What hairstyle from the past are you most embarrassed about?

I am pretty conservative and my mother really wasn’t going for anything outrageous. I remember wanting a curl and she was against it. I didn’t get braids for the first time until I was in college. Hell and that’s the only time I have had weave. A freeze when I was in jr. high I had the freeze that was lifted for homecoming and I did finger waves once. Other than that it’s been pretty boring.

4. Who could "get it" anytime/anyplace? (famous or not)

Ugh, I am on The Wire fix right about now so---Stringer Bell, Avon Barksdale, Marlo, Cheese, Bodie, Daniels and the 2 other cops (black guys that worked with Daniels). Let’s just say if the Wire ever has a reunion show I am so the groupie for you.

5. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?
My father……..

In a weird place.....

2009-01-18T21:42:00.000-08:00

I am in a weird place right now....I just finished watching The Bucket list and of course I cried. Before that I watch The Perfect Holiday and I watch Kung Fu Panda and Season 4 of the wire. I am not sure whats going on with me. I am sad but at peace, if that makes any sense. I can't really explain it.

So I am sure you are wondering why I am at home this weekend. I was intially suppose to go to Austin to visit a friend from college, but one of the girls backed out and then I started feeling ill so I choose not to go. I no I said my New Years resolution was to do better and I really do plan on it. I said I am gonna fight my social anxiety and just go out by myself. I really don't have a problem being out by myself, cause I always seem to run into people I know, but gets me is without liquor. I really don't have a desire to drink, but when I think about going out I think of a nice drink in my hand listening to great music, guess I am gonna have to make that drink a shirley temple or pineapple juice with out the rum.

I have no ideal what I am doing for MLK, I really should do something productive. I mean other than stay in my house/bed and watch movies and grade papers or bill. I had a thought the other day that really came out of nowhere its gonna sound crazy but I don't remeber where I but I think I was driving and it just came to me"God is going to take care of it". Now what is it you may be asking. I am been stressing about money, what else is new. I just got my annual "raise" and I am fine. But I am not where I want to be, for some reason I can't save like I want. I want to save $60,000 in the next 3 years ($20,000) a year, how I have no earthly ideal. I thought about getting another part-time/night gig, but I don't have peace about that. And the last time I had a second job, will tell you about that latter. I am just on the is "freaked out" mode. I am like I need to have a "stash" cause I only have this one income, I need to be able to take care of myself when I get old in the event I can't work for a while or something happens and my mother can't work or etc. etc. I am like damn near neuotic.

I digress.....I was flipping to my pages of Jet and Steve Harvey is writing a book think like a man act like a woman. I am so guilty of not doing that. I think like a man, act like a man. We was talking about women who don' t allow men to be men, like paying for meals and things like that. I have been guilty of emasculating a man. I use to have this motto "anything I need from a man, I can buy, borrow or do myself". I have really tried not to think like that, but its so much easier to do that. I have never been that person wo saw themselves, better yet you guys remember the Robin Givens character from Boomerang, I saw wanted to be her. A super bitch.....

This pass week was pretty something. There was this guy, that I have admired from afar. He is good friends with a friend of mines husband. To tell you how long I have admired this guy, I remeber becoming fond of him at my friends daugthers' 1st birthday, I think this September her daughter will be 5. Well anyway I ran into him at an investuture for the ad hoc judge, I left all gitty (you know I didn't stay long) like a school girl. I called my friend to tell her and guess what she says "HE'S ENGAGED". You know the last krush I had got engaged. Well it appears that the days to come are gonna be busy.

S23 sent me a list of question I am suppose to answer, but I forgot the rules so let me do that before I get a not so "friendly reminder".

An empty testimonial experience....

2009-01-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

Okay that is just a phrase I heard in court yesterday and I liked it. So what's going on? It's a new year, happy new year to all. Today is my cousin's 20th birthday. So whats going on with me, nothing much. I am proud to say that I have done some activity in an effort to bring sexy back. On Sunday night I did some bedtime stretches, that Monday morning I walked a block in my neighborhood and that night I did some ab and baked fish with mash potatoes and carrot ( i know that sounds like a nasty combo) it was alright, I need to cook the carrots cause I had open the package already. Tuesday, I did some yoga after church, Wednesday I stayed in court all day, I didn't get out until like 6:30 (hence the title, it sums up my day) I was so tired when I got home I was in my bed for 8 pm. This morning I got up around 6 am and walked a block in my neighborhood and got to work early (actually its what time I should get here, but never do). Now I have eaten lunch and blogging. I have a hair appoint cause YO' GURL needs some chemicals.

Okay so how was every one's holiday. I think the last time we talked was around Christmas Eve. Well I left work around 11 am (cause my boss left and I didn't see the need in staying if the "the man" wasn't here). Hung out with my family, did church and a movie on Christmas. Saw 7 pounds, I am not really sure how I feel about it. For those that haven't seen it take some tissue and for those that have please let me know what you thought. My mother and I did somethings around the house pack up Christmas being one of the things, we donated somethings to the Providence House (shelter for the needy), put up a third bed in the spare room in the house, I cleaned up a bit, I even went through some boxes of stuff she had taken out of storage it was stuff from high school (like my old cheer leading uniform, which I didn't even attempt to try on), I ran across old photos, but the one that got me was one from Girls State. I so didn't look like myself, I was crackhead skinny. I had on some Adidas (the soccer style tennis), the big socks that were slouched down (cause I thought they made me looking kinda sporty) some jean shorts and a t-shirt and a hat (Girl State issued of course). It was to funny and kinda sad, not sure where all this body came from that i have now but YO' Gurl is working on it.

Well that Tuesday my mother came back "home" with me and we did a little shopping I needed to pick up somethings from wal-mart cause I told one of the guys at church that i would bake him a cake (sour cream pound cake) for Wednesday. I thought my church was having watch nite but they weren't so I ended up going to church on Tuesday for media ministry's hour of prayer (just for the record I don't sing or pray out loud), so i read the scripture and prayed to myself. On Wednesday I made an appearance at work and then had lunch with one of my colleagues so that she could meet my mother. It was great, after we went church that evening for testimony service and then to the house. I had a party that night, in my neighborhood. It was really cool, I LOVE MY NEIGHBORHOOD, hopefully one day the Lord will place me enough to by a place in my neighborhood. We had what is called a progressive party, hors d' oeuvres at on person's house, then main course at another house, then dessert at another and then to the Capitol to ring the bell to bring in the new year. I meet people in the neighborhood it was really good. We rang in the new year and I am happy to announce that it was all in walking distance and I did it alcohol free. I am happy to report I have not had a drink since July 08' now if I can only make it through mardi gras.

The next day we went out and did a little shopping, I am also happy to announce that YO' GURL can now purchase her bra's at Lane Bryant and not some random specialty shop. (plus they have sales and coupons). I bought my mother a digital camera and the portable printer and do you know what she had the nerve to say "I guess now I can start looking for my flat screen", ABSOLUTELY NOT. A flat screen is not in the current budget, I have a trip to Vegas that is the next major "purchase" in the budget. She better go sit down somewhere, and this is why I am not rushing on the kid front I have a grown ass child on my hands....my lil' girl.

Well as for my new year's resolutions I only made one and that is to "DO BETTER", which means I am gonna do better than I did last year and the first thing on my list is, I am going to Austin to visit a friend from college during MLK weekend (no its not in the budget but I will make it work----now if you all don't hear from me in a while you know they don' gon' and turnt my letric' off...LOL!! no but seriously. I am doing better.

I guess I will stop chatting with you on the man's time take care.

The down side of Government Employment

2008-12-24T08:20:00.000-08:00

Let me first say, I am truly thankful for my job. I enjoy what I do and the people I work with (for the most part).

So I am sitting at my desk planning my escape. Now there are some ups and downs of government employment, today would be the now...WHY IN THE HELL AM I AT WORK ON CHRISTMAS EVE...what productivity do they think is gonna happen today. So far i got to work late, paid my bills (cause they deposited my check early), feed my face, sign some affidavits and help one person with a ticket, ugh yeah and I have done that in like an hour. I mean I could actually do some more work, but WHY...its Christmas Eve and I am trying to get to my mama. (did i mention she is coming back with me).

So yesterday I left work supper early (perk of government employment), and went home and washed clothes, had a balanced meal (meatloaf, carrots, green beans and mash potatoes), cleaned my house (swept my floors and porch and stairs), washed the locks (now I have bouncing curls, we will see how long that lasts), packed and talked to my family on the phone. O I just thought about something I need to do. return some movies (I may not because they are in my car and if i go to my car i am leaving). So I just renewed them and i will return them when i get back. (yeah i know that's lazy).

What else as i was paying bills and writing checks I realized i am going home with only check I could run home and get some more and pay my rent and maybe even drop of these darn movies, but nope. my low fuel light is on and it says i can go like 43 more miles that's more than enough to get across the bridge and get some gas. Mind you I could walk to my house, but I ain't. I think i am going to go look at my boss and be like "do you need me"?

Other than that I am kinda excited about going home and being with my peeps. so i will talk to you all later....going to see if i can give my boss the look and see if he will send me home.

God Bless...Merry Christmas!!!!!

Christmas revisited.

2008-12-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

I really want to be consistent about my blogging but its just so hard. I have started teaching a new class but we have a 2 week winter break, good in that breaks are always good and bad in that this would have been only the second week and now the class will go into March. Today was a pretty good day. Guess what, my "lil girl" (my mother) is going to come and visit me. I know that sounds crazy but my mother doesn't travel. I think in college she only came when it was time to pick me up or time to drop me off. She did surprise me once when I was getting an award (another surprise) in college. She and my boyfriend at the time concocted this little scheme. Well the plan is for me to go home on Christmas Eve, I am going to take Monday and Tuesday off (half a day) that my payback for coming to work in the snow and she is gonna stay, Tuesday Wednesday and go to my progressive New Year's Eve party and to church with me, then Thursday who knows what we will do and Friday I have to work and then I am taking her back home. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I have been here since March and she has yet to visit me.

So back to Christmas. Aretha blogged about some of her Christmas memories. I have several but the 2 that stick out the most are one when I was little and my parents were still together, my grandparents (dad's parents) came over and brought me my first toy box it was red and white I remember piling that thing full of toys. I remember my aunts being, it was so good. My other memory was while I was in college. My mother had one of her employee staying with us that night because she and her son were going to Church with us. I remember she joined church and I stood up front with her. We then went to my play aunts house and open gifts and my mother even had gifts for the girl and her son. I just remember feeling so complete that Christmas, don't really remember what I got, but I just remember filling whole, like I had everything in the world, like if I had died then I would die happy. I think that is why I don't like Christmas, in addition to my mother is a bit overwhelming. I have never had the feeling since....maybe that's what I am in search for a feeling of completeness.

What else is going on. Its cold here and I don't like it, give me 80 degree weather little or no humidity (one can dream its the south humidity year round) and I am a happy camper. Why can't I wear shorts for Christmas (maybe cause I don't own any that should be worn outside the house). Its suppose to warm up to 65 tomorrow.

I am suppose to back a sour cream pound cake for one of the guys on the media ministry, I hope I don' t forget. Have I told you all that I joined the media ministry. The hot guy with the dreads, his schedule has changed so he has to work on Sunday and I haven't been making it consistently to church in the A.M.

Do you know last Friday I got to work at 8:15 and my body wasn't right all weekend. Speaking of the weekend, I went Christmas shopping. I was suppose buy my mother's gifts, and 4 others. I gave myself a talking to (this is all your fault, you know when Christmas is, it never changes 12/25 all the time, so no attitude just go and do your shopping). I was very productive I got my mother what she wanted plus some more Christmas crap, black angels ornaments, a black Santa cookie jar, i lil black girl Christmas singing and some other stuff. My mother believes in having stuff that look like us in the house and as much as a bitch about it, it makes her happy so that's why I do it. and now that i don't live with I am liberated from Christmas.

I think that is enough for now. sorry i didn't have a focus just some randomnesses from me

Happy Holidays if you don't hear from me before the new year.

M.A.B

2008-12-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

There are several people in my life that I call my BFF. There is T-Red, T-Bahn, and M-Ball. I have a friend I refer to as my Road Dawg and then there is my partner in crime-PNC. I have a few other people that I share certain aspects of my life and then there others that are around me that really don't know me. So who knows me the most....that would be M-Ball.
I met M-Ball my senior year in high school in Washington, D.C., we both were participating in Close-Up and we have been friends ever since. We have be through some STUFF. When we met back in 96' I feel in love with him and he the same. I just remember how he spoiled me with attention the week we were in D.C. together. I was so not urban then and he supplied the urban flavor I lacked. He was so 'cultured' he was the first black man I knew that golfed, his dad taught him how and he mother was an African-American history teacher in high school. Well we continued to converse him being (south) Texas and me being in (central) Arkansas. We grew to know one another talking damn near everyday on the phone. The summer after graduation he told his mom for his birthday that he wanted to fly me out to visit him before we both went off to school, he was to school in (north) Texas and I was going to school in (south) Louisiana. So at 17 my mom let me fly off to spend some time with my male friend and his family. It was so weird, it was my first step in my mother showing HOW MUCH she trusted me and my first step into adulthood. I must say that his family was smitten by me and I was smitten by them as well. His dad, his mom, his sister, his little brother, aunts and cousins, they were ALL GREAT!!! I would visit him once again, this time in (north) Texas before I went to college. We were a couple and we loved each other, now how this long distance relationship was gonna work we had no ideal. Well we did school and one day in October I called him and told him I can't do it. I was sure how i was going to miss this good thing up with all the temptations that surrounded me and I didn't want to hurt him that way. So we broke up and he was hurt and didn't want to talk to me. I told him he had X amount of time to get over the hurt but damnit he was going to be my friend. Well he did get over it and we became friends. Next moth it will be 13 years that we have known each other. In those 13 years our friendship has remained pure and intact. When ever i am in a funk i can call him and he makes me feel better. There are times i can call him and not tell him anything is wrong and he knows. We we dated we talked about being/getting married and even after we broke up we said if at 23 (cause in our minds that was old) we weren't married then we would get married, well at 23 we moved it to 30 and now at thirty i think we have moved it to 40. I love M-Ball with all my heart and I wish I could take aspects of our relationship and impose them into interactions I have with men. M-Ball understands me when i am being crazy, guarded whatever. He knows the why behind most of my actions and the response usually before i give it. It is my yang and I am his yin. He completes me and I complete him.
So why aren't we together you may ask. Since we have broken up we have never been ready for one another. I have so many issues and if you haven't figured it out, one of them is daddy issues. M-Ball reminds me a lot of my father and the just ain't cool. He is very laid back and nonchalant about things, he hardly gets worried or frazzled about anything and I am the polar opposite. We approach the business of life differently. I have always said that if I were to get married I would want to marry someone who could take care of me and handle my business. Not in a gold digger kind of way but in a way in which I would never have to worry or second guess. I know that he would try his damnest to do for me, but if the way in which he handles his life and business in any indication...NO DEAL!!! i would be in a nut house if i turned it all over to him.
Why am i talking about M-Ball today, we spent about 2 hours on the phone last night just talking and he reminded me of a lot of things and that next month would be 13 years of friendship. I can't think of a pair of shoes, jeans, car, shirt anything that I have kept for 13 years. I have friends that I have known longer but I can't say that each year that goes by we have become closer, for the most part our friendship only grows when we are around each other and lately I haven't been making time for my friends.
Lately I have been thinking about marriage/spending the rest of my life with someone/etc. I don't know if i can do it, if I have to patience to let a relationship grow like this one has. I think I would rush it, but to much pressure on it to be something that its not, demand compliance and be overbearing and not forthcoming with my feelings.

on another note Dr. Q has been deleted. I called him on several occasion prior to Thanksgiving to no avail, then the day before Thanksgiving I get a text saying not to think he is avoiding me he is having a personal crisis. I send him a message on Thanksgiving wishing him a happy thanksgiving. I called him the Sunday after Thanksgiving while i was driving back...no response. and yesterday I called him and he said that he would call me right back....I am still waiting on that call. So based on that he has been deleted. You all know I hate feeling neglected and abandoned (yeah another issue I have). So to end this on a positive note, I have just deleted him and if he wants to talk to me he'll have to call me or if he just randomly crosses my mind months from now I may check in on him but for right now....DELETED!!!

Fair vs. Consistent

2008-12-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

When I was in Girls' State back in high school, different girls who wanted to be elected for different position ran and were asked a couple of questions. (I was elected President Pro Tem) Who of the questions that always stuck out in my mind was "Is it more important to be fair or consistent". Thank goodness I was never asked this question. I initially thought they were one in the same but has I work in the Court I see that they are not. I truly believe that it is more important to be consistent. Who's surprised by that. I am such a black/white kinda person I don't do gray. I mean either it is or it isn't not a "well kinda". With my job, I ask people do you want to plead guilty or not guilty and they respond can I tell you what happen. That just burns me up, its so non-responsive to my question. So I tell them no, really at this point I don't care what happened I just want to know if you want to plead guilty or not guilty. If you want to tell your side of the story that's what trials are for. I can't make a decision on what you did, I wasn't there. If you want a trail then you would have to plead not guilty to and we will try to get all parties involved so that the judge can decide what happened. So what do you want to do. They usually look at me crazy after I say all that but in my mind its a simple question guilty/not guilty. Either you did it or didn't and if there are some things that need to be heard/said then lets try it.
I hate to hear people say the justice system is flawed. I am not gonna say its perfect but in my mind its the people that make it flawed. When you have judges that are elected, who get large contributions from attorney's its kinda hard to no believe that these judges once elected forget those who have invested in them. Even those individuals that aren't elected are "invested" in as well.
So back to fair vs. consistent. I think its more important to be consistent. Its the exceptions that get people in trouble. If everyone that treated the same regardless of reason than no one can complain that they weren't treated fairly. I remember when I was in college I was Commissioner of Elections for Student Government, which meant I ran all the elections in the spring and fall. This election I had to disqualify a number of people for failure to turn in expense reports. Some turned them in but they weren't on the forms provided, some just didn't turn them in all together. Well before I announced the results of the elections. I made an announcement that all expenditure reports needed to be submit, as per the election code on the forms provided and those who have not need to do so prior to announcing the results, which I would be doing in XX minutes if you need a new form we have some up front. Well some people complied but there were some who didn't and so I disqualified them. I remember one of the person disqualified was a guy who later became a "friend". He failed to turn his report in because he was sick and at home sleep from all the medication (over-the-counter) he had taken. I got so much flack for not making and exception for him but in my mind that's where the problems start when you make an exception for one person. He failed to turn his report in prior to the announcing of the results, just like those who decided they were going to make there own forms and submit them as a ticket, they all were disqualified. At first blush it may seem unfair or harsh, but it was consistent and no one can say I was showing favoritism or making exceptions for one and not the other.
And to this day I loose respect for those who aren't not consistent and who make decisions based on emotion and there perception of fairness. WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHATS FAIR?

I am sure you have already guessed that I must have had another shitty day at work.

Am I a bad person because I don't like Christmas?

2008-12-03T11:48:00.000-08:00

Me and Christmas...I don't know what it is about Christmas. Actually I take that back its a couple of things about Christmas. The first is my mother. She LOVES Christmas. Have you ever been around someone who loves something so much it becomes a couple turn off. Well that's one thing that makes he "ewh" about Christmas. She inundated me with everything Christmas from the day after Thanksgiving when I have to pull the tree(s) yes that is plural she has 3 Christmas trees to some day in January after we have done the after Christmas shopping for the next year.

PSA---sorry I am at work and I got interrupted with some bullshit.....Okay I get a call from a victim saying she wants to tell me what really happened. I pull the files (all 4 of them) and they are yellow which tells me they are domestic abuse battery. I look at the one from Christmas last year I look in the file and its not a domestic abuse battery its actually a battery on a police officer and 4 counts of resisting. So in actuality this mother fucker has only 3 domestic abuse battery. the silly hoe calls to tell me none of this happens...now this is the same bitch that told me in court it was a misunderstanding...how in the hell do you misunderstand getting choked, hit with a box and hit in the face to where you face is bruised? Well I go to my boss to tell him that I want to handle these and that he this jackass needs to got to jail. He's, I have been looking for these, XYZ attorney handles these and he has 2 files in district court that were just reduced to disturbing the peace and we are gonna probably work something out on these, I am like he needs to plead guilty to the one where he choked her, battery on the police officer and maybe the other one where he hit her in her face. You know with this mother fucker says...he'll get revoked if he does that...when in the hell did we start caring if people go to jail. If they commit a crime isn't that where they are suppose to be? I am to through...don't tell me that domestic abuse is something our office takes serious when you have a defendant that with 3 domestic abuse charges and 2 in district court and a battery on a police officer...this is bullshit.

I will have to tell you all about Christmas later....I am to mad.

My mind is running a mile a minute

2008-12-01T16:22:00.000-08:00

I am come to a realization, the reason I don't blog is because when I have something to say my mind is racing so that by the time I sit down to type it all out I am exhausted. But I will try and catch you all up on the ongoing. I will work back.

Right now I am sitting in my bed after taking a 3-4 hour nap, why you may ask. I am not sick, not medically anyway. I am sick of my job. Not really my job, just my work environment. So let me tell you what happened TODAY! Okay first of all I was late for work but that really didn't matter. Why because the "judge" didn't take the bench until 9:30ish. Well first of all I get to court about 10 mins late (9:10) the other attorney I work with was getting on the elevator as I was getting off. He was like the judge isn't on the bench yet. So I go into court to see if there is anything I can do, there isn't. So I remember that I need to fill out my time sheet since I took a day off. I go to our office manager and start filling the paper work out, as I am doing it people are all running to the window to see this 18-wheeler that has partially flipped over, and is being held up by a tree branch. Now here comes my first aggravation. Well one of the cars that was in potential of being crushed was this girl who works in the Clerk of Court's office. I first aggravation is that she shouldn't be parked there in the first place and she doesn't get tickets when her meter runs out WHY because her dad is a police officer. Now I wouldn't dare park at one of these meters, even though I can dismiss my own tickets (not that I would). How does this girl have all these breaks to go pay the meter every 2 hours and has never gotten a ticket. That's just not right to me. I am sure you are thinking why do I care, I don't know. Part of the reason is that I don't really care for her and I think the other reason its so hypocritical. When enforce traffic violations and this girl is getting over because right in front of the court house. I second aggravation came when I got in court. We were going through the docket and I will admit I am probably one of the "harder" prosecutors, which is why most defense attorney's don't want to discuss cases with me. My position is let's try it, fuck all this talking and back and forth, lets just try the damn thing. Hell, I wasn't there, you weren't there we don't know what happened, so that's why the judge gets paid the big bucks let them figure it out. Well that never really works because you have so many attorney's that don't try cases. Why, because it doesn't make money. Then the public defenders I work with are just plum ridiculous. I have this older gentleman that is so damn annoying who wants to try everything, then the rest of the staff is trying to get out of there. So as for today I have several cases (okay I normally don't talk law but today I am). In my court we have 1 year to prosecute cases once we have "file a bill of information" and we have 2 years to institute prosecution (which means "file a bill of information"). Now when a bench warrant is issued (usually because they have failed to come to court) the time stops and we get a year from the day the bench warrant is recalled. The same happens when the defendant asks for a continuance. However, when the court continues a case or when the city continues a case time continues to run. So the first jackass of the day. The jackass has 3 files, a possession of marijuana, domestic abuse battery and a simple battery. The marijuana was from 01' and he had 3 bench warrants, the domestic abuse battery from 02' and he had had 2 bench warrants and the simple battery from 08' not bench warrants. So the defense attorney tells me that on the simple battery (which I have a victim present) and the marijuana he is going to ask for a continuance and as to domestic abuse battery it would be a city continuance because our victim isn't present. So I call the matter up say the city is asking for its second continuance in the domestic violence matter and the defense wants to continue (oh I forgot he had a traffic ticket as well) all of his other matters. So the ad hoc judge says city second continuance denied, I ask that the Court take into consideration that the defendant has had 3 bench warrants. He says that our request is denied and he will grant the defense continuances. I say judge if that is the courts rational that these bench warrants are in fact defense continuances and you are not granting our continuances we would ask that you apply the same rationale to the defense request, he has had 2 bench warrants in that matter and this would be in essence another continuance at there request and as to the other matter we have a witness present and the defendant has a history of not coming to Court we ask that that continuance be denied as well, the city is prepared for trial. Well needless to say the ole bitch ass public defender got mad (he had previously made the statement that he didn't have time for trial cause he had things to do). So he takes all the files (the public defender) and goes and talks with the defendant, I in the meantime try and get my officers and dope together. He comes back and I ask him what is his client going to do, he responds in a bitch ass voice "I know where to find you". Well the matters (possession of marijuana, cause I will have to dismiss the domestic abuse battery because the victim isn't present and the simple battery is being continued) are in a posture for trial. Now I have our investigator and my colleague trying to get the officer to court, he's a no show. Today is his off day and he is no where to be found, so I have to dismiss the case now.
Asshole #2- he decides to represent himself, he has two files of Domestic Abuse battery. 1 from 2006 and the other from 2008. Asshole #2 enters into an agreement with our office and pleads guilty to one and we dismiss the other. Well at some point after pleading guilty he decides this isn't what he wants to do and the judge appoints him an attorney and sets the matter for hearing to determine if the guilty plea should be withdrawn. So we get to court today,no motion has been filed and the asshole says that the reason he wants to withdraw is plea is because he didn't know what he was pleading guilty to (now I already told you he had 2 of the same charges), now just so you know Domestic Abuse Battery is a mandatory 10 days in jail. Now his PD is saying he wasn't properly Boykin (explained his rights) and that our office denied him his right to an attorney because now he says he told our office that he wanted an attorney. Now I explained the time limitations to you. The file that we actually plead to was from 06' which means we have until 08' to prosecute and the one that was dismissed was from 08' however I am not sure if we can prosecute that one as well. So the "judge" initially said he wasn't going to grant it, then he said he was going to pass it then he in the end granted it. Now I was pissed, for many reasons (1) this asshole knew what he was doing, he just didn't want to go to jail; (2) no motion has been filed; (3) we can't prosecute this case (one of them at least) because time has run. Now about the prescription of the case the judge goes on to say that there is no prescription issuers and then ask the PD is there a prescription matter and if there is you will waive it. i was furious. because one you can't make such a BOLD statement, you can't waive prescription that is malpractice at its best, and its just inflammatory. I left work after we finished.
Now I am sure you are say F22 you are taking this to personal and maybe I am. I have come to realized that I can't stand laziness, incompetence, lack of structure, and the list goes on. I took this job for trial experience I hardly get any the bitch ass PD I was telling you about has yet to try a case, the old cantankerous man is the only person that will try is his antagonist ass. I took this job to prosecute defendant accused of crimes not to push Popper, reward them for having multiple files by offer plea deals, beg police offers to come to court, and the list goes on. I need a work environment that is structure with consequences/repercussions, bosses/supervisor who support/mentor/evaluate your performance. I want to be surrounded by competent individuals that push me to be on top of my game. I mean right now I have no shame in coming to work late leaving early or whatever. I just hate all this damn loosey goosey shit. I am gonna end on this note.

you'll know my nerves get bad

2008-11-24T17:23:00.000-08:00

okay I have been trying to write for a while but you'll know my nerves get bad...ok i am crazy. Well its Monday and I am fighting a cold. Let me say I am so happy for my BFF she and her family finally joined a church. This pass weekend was pretty interesting. Friday I went to the oyster bar with some friends and had a blast. I then met Dr. Q at this cigar bar. It was okay but it was smoky and I don't like smoke, my hair, my clothes, my car, everything smelled like smoke. It was even more interesting since I don't drink nor smoke. I had a diet coke when I got there he was drinking and then all of a sudden he ordered a coke and smoked his cigar. I told him he could drink it wouldn't bother me. So we talked about absolutely nothing but it was good. Well at some point the smoke started to bother his eyes and I was pretty happy to leave all the smoke. It was cold outside and we hugged and said good nite, I called him to let him know I made it safely per his request. Let me say one thing...I love the way he hugs/holds me, I felt teeny tiny.

So the next day I slept until noon, which is a little later than normal but I didn't think much of it , since I haven't really been sleeping well during the week. Well lover boy (boy toy) can't remember what I called him sent me a text saying "so you aren't returning texts" and I responded "so you aren't returning phone calls" and then about an hour later I called him to see what the hell he was talking about. So he tells me blah blah blah and says he wants to see me and come over i was like "HELL NAW" cause I had shit all over my house dirty dishes it didn't even look like my place, not that he hasn't seen it in a state of emergency before but I didn't feel like entertaining company. SO I told him I would call him back in about an hour and come over and hang out with him. So I go over and we hang out we watch a movie fall asleep and talk and what not. So I come home and clean up and watch a movie and go to bed.

I briefly spoke with Dr. Q. My intention was not to bother him because he was suppose to be working. I briefly shoot him a text to see how its going and this negro is at the mall. WTF????? So I tell him I am disappointed that he isn't being productive and what not. He blows me off and says he plans to spend the rest of the weekend and part of the week before the holidays working on his paper (which he wants to have published) and grade exams, etc.

Well Sunday I wake up to go to church. I am laying there trying to get the energy to get up and realize I ain't gonna make it. I sleep in and at about 9:30 10 I get a call about the Delta's and there program and realize I need to get up and get dressed. The Delta's were having a program/walk for Aids. I go and hear the speaker but I didn't take the test. you'll already know how i feel about being in a database. I have so many issues with taking an Aids test. Now I currently don't engage in high risk activity and I have no reason that I know of that I need to immediately get tested. However, I learned that you can go 20 years without any signs or symptoms. So with that being said I could stand to present a swab, but I will have to do that with my personal physician. I have some questions: how is this going to look on my insurance, what reporting obligations do they have, etc. Well after that I came home and laid down and watched some more (like 3 movies). My throat began to get scratchy, my head felt like it was about to explode, my stomach felt icky. And there it was I was getting sick.

So i went to work and after court came home took a long nap, washed clothes, cooked and here i am waiting for my last load to dry.

Now I am gonna back to Saturday night. I was talking to Dr. Q and a while back he asked me a question "what do I want/what was i looking for" I really didn't know or have an answer. I know part of my response was I want to find someone who can 'handle' me and that I feel comfortable being around but I really don't know. I never got to ask him the same question, so on Saturday while we talked I asked him, he was on his way into Wal-mart (still not being productive) I told him that he didn't have to answer me now that he could answer me later. He was like cool, I will call you back when I get out. So why is it Monday and I still don't know? I am not going to bring it up but if I don't get an answer and one I like I am gonna be so DONE....You'll know my nerves get bad.

Is this a second chance to get it right?

2008-11-20T18:55:00.001-08:00

Okay let me say I think boy toy is going to be retired, I will be deleting him from my phone and moving him to my electronic black book. With that I think I may have a new character in my life.
We will call him....Dr. Q, not really original at all. Okay Dr. Q and I met like my freshman year in college, he was taking classes at LSU as well as SU. He worked at LSU and asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Well we talked for a while, I remember him coming to visit me in my dorm and he was so NY undercover, not actually but he had just moved here from Connecticut and he rocked the timbs and what not. He was supper nice but I don't recall why I stopped talking to him, but we did. He says that I blew him off, which is possible but I don't recall. Well over the past years he says he has seen me, while I was in law school and at church. I remember seeing his sister, but I don't recall him introducing us, maybe I do vaguely. His sister is a member of the same Alumnae Sorority I just joined. Well anyway this past Saturday I was advising the undergrads at homecoming tailgate and he walked by me and I said "If you walk past me and don't even speak my feelings will be hurt" and we started talking. We talked off/on at the tailgate, we exchanged numbers again and talked later that night. I am not sure if I am interested in him, but I will say he has been on my mind. The past week, we talked on Saturday for a while on the phone after I left the tailgate, didn't talk to him on Sunday, I wake up Monday morning to a text from him that says "Happy bday quez". WTF??? So I think on this for a minute and thinking didn't we talk about me not being a morning person and why would he send this to ME? So I figured maybe this was a hint and later that day I sent him a text that said "Happy Birthday". And later on that night I called him. Well he didn't answer. So Tuesday comes and I go to court and come back to find I have a missed call from him, I call him back and get no response. Well Tuesday comes and goes and Wednesday I have a pretty shitty day at work, and so I get home I call him to see what is going on, he answers and talks my head off. He tells me he got my call but he was in Mississippi, where he goes to school (he is working on his PhD) and that he leaves there early in the morning to come back for work. I tell him I didn't want anything just to give him hard time about sending me a text for Que's, was this some hint and he says YES!!! Well we talk and I tell him about my shitty day and we talk and we get off the phone. Well this morning I wake up at like some random time in the morning toss and turn in my bed go to the kitchen and her my phone ring, I have a text. I look at my clock and its 4:39 in the a.m. now normally I would be dead to the world but i am up. So I send him a message back saying "how did you know I was up" he responds "I listen and pay attention". I thought that was really weird. So I don't know about this guy. I think he still thinks of me as the sweet little girl from college, I don't know if I am even that person anymore. I mentioned earlier that he talks, this dude talks my head off. But its good cause I don't have to say much but I am not sure if its okay because I listen to people all day.

When being good is bad....

2008-11-20T18:41:00.000-08:00

I am come to realized the gooder (yes I said gooder) you are at something the badder things get. What do I mean? Yesterday, I was at work doing my job and what not. I get an email from my boss who got an email from his boss. The email was informing me that I would be handle our new illegal sign enforcement. You know those random signs you see on the street corner, not just the campaign ones but the ones for daycare, nail shops, tree trimmers, etc. Well apparently they are illegal, haven't read the ordinance on it but will as soon as somebody gets it for me. This may sound cool and excited and half me is excited. However, I am tired. Right now I am in court 5 out of 5 days, on Wednesday I am expected to be in the office until 5:00 p.m. answering calls and addressing people who just walk in, on a rotation of Fridays (like every 4th Friday) I am expected to do this as well, in addition I am have to bill (charge people after reading police reports) 100 cases per week, now I am going to be in charge of new enforcement of these signs. I can just hear the assholes calling me now. I am excited that they trust me to give me more responsibility but shit I am tired. Right now we are one full-time attorney short (and rumor has it that it may not be until January, cause they are waiting for this girl---if that is true all i got to say is this bitch better be spectacular when she gets here), one part-time attorney short, and as of next Tuesday 3 support persons short. So needless to say we are stretched. I want even start talking about the characters that are there (not all of them are bad).
So to add to this my supervisor says to me I mention to the boss that your appeals brief was really good. Oh if they put another appeal on my desk you all may see smoke. Now let me say I love being good at what I do, however I want to be compensated and I want everyone else to be held accountable for there work. Now I know that sounds crazy, because i know these same people will bitch about me not being to work timely--consistently. But if my boss laid the law down and said Freespeech22 you need to get to work at XX time I would be on top of it, but until then I will get there when I get there, with my goal being to beat the judge on the bench. So to some it all up I LOVE MY JOB, just hate the bull shit.

Domestic Duty

2008-11-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

Well today was pretty productive and not so productive.

I got up this morning around 8 a.m. and took my car to Firestone to have it serviced and my oil changed. Damn near cost me $100 cause they don't do the package that I would always get. I then walked home and washed clothes followed by cleaning my house then going to get my car and going to Wal-mart to pick up my prescription and some other stuff. I then came home and put some crab cakes in the oven and some broccoli in the microwave for dinner. I then took my medication and laid down. I was suppose to go to church but wasn't up for it, then my mother called and another friend. So I am sitting my bed thinking about some things.

Last night I called an ole friend of mines. I am not sure if I ever talked about him on her, cause he is my best kept secret. I met him the summer after my first year in law school. He was everything I could want in someone except he was engaged. I tried my hardest to not get involved with him but I lost that battle. We occupied each others time for that summer, fall and spring. By the time spring came I was head over hells in love with him, and I couldn't stand the thought of being in love with somebodies elses man. I think after a while he took me serious about having to leave him alone. I think that came after I asked him to pick up something I needed for class. Well he came by and brought me what I needed, well we were sitting in my place I in my recliner and he on my sofa. He asked me why I was sitting so far from him and wanted me to come sit next to him. I initially refused but I couldn't tell him no. Well I moved over and he touched me and I just started crying. Yeah so not my mode of operation. I think he was taken back by it and I don't really recall what happened next but I don't recall him staying long. Well after we still talked but he gave me my distance. That summer (after my second year) I went home for the summer and worked and he got married. My last year of law school we still talked but not like before because he was married and I was respecting his marriage as was he. Well I graduated and we maintained contact but nothing serious. He would occasionally try to reminisce about days pass but I wasn't for it. I would come back to Baton Rouge and for some reason never seem to be able to see him while here. He came to Shreveport once and we went out to dinner and it was nice. I thought I was over him and that we could be friends. So we were staying our good byes and then he offers that I come back to his room. I took it as lets hook up but he meant lets continue this conversation no strings. I think the expression on my face said it all cause he quickly clarified what he meant, but I declined and went home. I must say as I was headed home I considered turning around and all those feelings that I thought were gone/controlled whatever came back. Well I had to distance myself from him again we would talk occasionally and one day he got me again. We were on the phone just shooting the shit and he tells me he misses me. I am like DAMN, something I wanted to hear but something I never wanted him to say. Well anyway we maintain our friendship till this day. When I moved back we went out for drinks with one of his former employers and his friend. I didn't drink but we talked that night and somewhat laid our boundaries. He really tries to make me a friend, he has invited me to his daughter birthday party and other stuff. I just don't feel comfortable being in his house, in his daughter or his wife for that matters face. Well I am saying all this to say. Today we talked. He was returning my call from yesterday. He gives me a hard time for all the sleeping I do, he was surprised that I was actually up when he called. I told him that I had gotten up to take my car for an oil change and new windshield wipers. He says he is gonna have to show me how to change my own windshield wipers so I don't have to pay for it, cause its to easy. So we talk about a few other things and we get off the phone. We always gives me shit about not washing my car, so I took my car through a car wash today and had to call him to report that I have washed my car, since it hasn't been washed since September if I had to guess. Well anyway he calls me back tonight while he is driving home and I tell him about how productive I was and I even slightly cooked. He makes the comment, look at you trying to be wifey material. So we start talking about why I haven't join this particular organization that he wants me to join and help "build" back up. In the process of his conversation he starts (what I perceived) fussing at me, and for the first time I felt like I had to put him in his place and correct him. I received it well and we moved on. I am typing all this to say I still love this dude, will I ever be able to shake that feeling. I don't want to do anything to disrespect his marriage and the fact that he has a daughter adds to that feeling. I have always said I will not be one of those women that my dad dealt with. I know how seeing your father in certain lights affects little girls and I don't ever want to contribute to that. I don't want to loose his friendship and I sure as hell can't say anything to him about it. I just want IT to go away and I be able to be platonic friends. UGH!!!

I mentioned that I went to pick up my prescription. I am not sure if I told you all that my last prescription was $45, and I told my doctor this was unacceptable. I couldn't afford to keep this up, but I wanted to stay on the medication until I got my fasting insulin under 10. So she offers me the generic. I am here to report the pharmaceutical company is a racket. Guess how much my prescription is now.....$3.88. I was just as shocked as you. How do people without insurance or on fixed incomes survive. Now mind you when I initially asked the pharmacist says there wasn't a generic. She is in on the racket too.

Oh my I also picked up some Zyrtec-D and do you know those bitches put me in the Federal Government's database. I hate that. I just want to fuckin breath and now I am in the Federal Government's database. I aint making Meth. I hate being in somebodies database. I HATE IT!!! Can't trust the government, I love Obama but you can't trust em'.

I also had another interesting conversation, with Aaron. He made the statement that he is trying to wife me and I told him that I know and that scared the shit out of me. Then he says we do what we want to do for those we want. I personally thought that was non responsive to the conversation we were having. So we talked or better yet he talked. I feel like such a punk when I talk to him, cause I for some reason can't say what I am thinking I usually just sit there and listen and not really say much.

I think I am decided that its easier to be alone than to try and navigate men. I do get lonely and what to share myself with someone but this is to much. I never thought you could have it all, something has to be sacrificed and my sacrificed is love, companionship, all those things that come with being in a relationship. I don't think I am equipped to be someones girlfriend or wife.
I wish I could reboot and get reprogrammed but that's not gonna happen so I am aborting relationships. I am not bitter, thinking there are any great men out there cause that's not true i know some wonderful men, however i they are right for me or aren't available.

I have missed 2 Tuesday and a Sunday of church. I am not sure why I don't want to go. I haven't been able to pray. I kinda don't want to talk to God, and I know why. I know I am not doing what he wants and I am shame. I feel like I have gotten off track. He has blessed me over and forgiven me over and over. But somewhere I fell off the wagon and I am just laying here. I know if I ask for his help he will help me but I want and I don't know why. Maybe its because I am lusting after some woman's husband or ................................

I really need to be sleep...

2008-11-10T23:33:00.000-08:00

So I am sitting here doing absolutely nothing and I should be sleep because tomorrow I am off and I really need to be productive, but I have a few things on my mind.

The first thing is the number of things I need to accomplish tomorrow: I have a shit load of laundry to do, then clean up then pack, cause I am doing an overnight in Houston Thursday-Friday for Delta. I need to get my oil changed and my car serviced. I need to go to Wal-mart and pick up some drugs. I need to do some billing for work so I want be behind. Plus I need to rest. I know funny.

Well lets talk about my visit to my doctor. A couple of months ago, like July I went to the Dr. for a check up and just maintenance on the body. My doctor was concerned about my resting insulin level. Well I was placed on medication, told to exercise 30 minutes 3 days a week, reduce my caloric intake to 1500 calories a day. Well I took the medication, changed my eating habits (cooking more, drinking more water, minimizing the fried foods, no "prepared meals"), and well the exercising didn't really make the cut. So I went today for my check up and well I lost 5lbs. my resting insulin level is down about 3 points (Good) so I have been moved to the generic brand of my prescription (cause brand was like $45) and generic is like $10 (so I am told) and I will be on it until February. I think I am going to extend my no alcohol until February and if I do well I will be ready for Mardi Gras drinks in hand. So I am pretty excited, maybe I will exercise (don't hold your breath)

I completed my training and have been asked to be apart of faculty with the University of Phoenix-Axia College. I will be teaching Criminal Procedure for individuals seeking there associate degree. I have already signed up for my "1st Class), it suppose to start 12/15 and go until 3/1/09 with 2 weeks off for the holidays. Hopefully this time I will manage my time a bit better.

And lastly on my mind MEN!!! But before I get to that let me tell a story. I had this advisor in college who had this cat. My advisor did a moderate amount of travel and would have to leave her cat at times, but every time she (my advisor) would return the cat would act all crazy. She went to the vet to find out what was the deal with her cat. The vet told her that when she would leave for and extended (a couple of days) period of time the cat would go into mourning and then when she would show back up the cat would be a bit confused because she (the cat) thought my advisor was dead and now she had to readjust to her being there.
I tell that to say I think I am this cat when it comes to men. I don't do men, I don't date, I am pretty much a loner/homebody. So when there is a man in my life (in whatever capacity) and he goes away (for whatever reason) and then returns I get all crazy. Example- I met this guy (Lover Boy) about a week or two ago, and we saw each other for a couple of days straight, then we both got busy and I haven't seen him since Wednesday (it's Monday) we have talked and texted each other, he has now gone to Atlanta, with him being gone and not ever present I feel like I am getting a little crazy. As you all may remember I told you all I have abandonment issues, so when people are gone for any period of time I kinda freak out. I start getting a little self conscious, thinking did I do some or say something wrong, are they coming back, have they found my replacement before I found there's and the list goes on. LoverBoy has joked (at least I think he is joking) about staying and not coming back. My response in my controlled crazy state was I would understand, I would miss you and then I would get over it. I must say I don't like the thought of that, not becuase I am in love with him or anything. I just hate people leaving. Crazy I know but hey its my blog and i can be crazy if I want. I will say this, at least I know it sounds crazy.

Random thought: is it wrong that I have no desire to be near D.C. for inauguration, that I would rather watch it on TV? Speaking of TV I got my converter coupon, no I don't have cable, we are in a recession and I need to watch my expenses and attempt to save some money.

HOW RUDE!!!

2008-11-04T17:28:00.000-08:00

I promise, I am so done!!!! I am not sure if you guys remember me telling you about my college roommate who came to stay with me a few months back well anyway she came back. I am convinced that I am to nice.

So she comes on Friday, no problem, goes to her events on Saturday, no problem, well Sunday came and well this is what happened.

Okay let me go back. My roommate from college (one of them) was coming down for the weekend to celebrate her chapter (AKA) 35 years. So I didn't really expect to see much of her but that was cool. So now to Sunday.

I get go to church for 7:15 and leave her at my house sleep. She says they have some prayer breakfast that day. Well I go and get back from church and she isn't at my house. Cool!! Well I am milling around trying to decide if I am going to take a nap or not. She gets here and lays back down. Cool!!! So I get back in my bed ( wrap my hair, change my clothes, the whole nine). Well the next thing I know I hear her on the phone and then she ask me about directions to my house from some random place. I eventually get on the phone and give the person on the other end directions. I am like what the hell, how she gonna invite somebody to my house and I am in my bed. Well the person get here and she leaves, not big deal. I go on about my evening and get back home around 9 pm and her stuff is still here. So I get ready to head to bed and finally call her to see when she is leaving and she tells me on Monday. What? This is my first hearing of this. I am like oh okay I didn't know that. So Monday comes and I am getting ready for work and she hasn't made a move. So I ask her what time was she headed out cause I needed to figure out how I was going to get my key back and lock up my house. She hesitates, as she thinks about what time she is going to leave. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! So finally after I walk away, get dressed talk with my family on the phone she says NOON. WHAT!!! I mean hello people I am going to work and I will be in court. I am pissed!!! how inconsiderate. If I were staying at someones house until Monday and they had to go to work, I would be rolling out with them when they left. Okay I have to got this rant short because I have to go advise.

Okay so I am back....

2008-11-02T13:01:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, so much has happened since we last spoke. A hurricane, I finished my class, people have quit at my job, o so much.

Let see right now I am sitting in my house listening to the men on the roof sing Spanish songs and they bang and hammer and staple (sounds like they have a huge staple gun). I have a meeting with undergraduate chapter that I have been recruited to advise. They keep me relevant. It's never a dull moment with them.

After that I guess I will come on and get ready for work and watch my movie. My college roomate is here for the weekend. It has been pretty uneventful, but I will tell you about it.

Okay lets go back to Tuesday of this week, I had a revelation...I think I have lost my MOJO. My life is pretty boring and the ability to charm/flirt/hell garner any attention from a man has pretty much gone to the dogs. So I call my BFF and she is not available then I call my road dawg and she is like WHAT, are you okay, do I have to make a flight down and we have a HO intervention.

Okay let me put a disclaimer on the rest of the conversation...I know its going to be hard not to get the wrong impression by some of these statements, please don't judge or ask questions. My friends and I have a strange way of expressing ourselves and you just have to be there to undersgtand. I will try to help you but I promise it is not as bad as it sounds.

I tell her no I will be okay, I finish grading final exams for my class and get those submitted on Thursday. I was pretty much stressed about getting them in before Halloween cause I didn' t want any delays in my money... PAY ME WHAT YOU OWE ME!!!! Well anyway I finish them Thursday nite and I am so excited. I decide for the supper club/halloween party I was gonna make pumpkin bars. So Friday I go to work and then have lunch with a classmate and afterwards venture to Wal-mart and buy ingredients and supplys for this. Afterwards I slave in the kitchen baking my heart out. I then meet up with my neighbor and we go to the "party". The events that followed I want blog about just know that in the course of the evening, I eat, take a nap, meet a man, witness a fight, get dropped in the middle of the street, witness a car accident, observed crazy white people dancin in nothing but suspenders and boxers to a moving grocery cart that plays music and I don't get home until 8 a.m. What a night?????

Needless to say Saturday was more lazy than normal.

I guess I will stop there for now, I am sure I will have more to type about later.

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programs.

2008-10-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post a PSA for my readers (all 3 of you) LOL!!! Sunday ends the final week of my class, I will spend the next few days finishing up grading hopefully have grades posted by Thursday, October 30, 2008 and hopefully I will have finished the appeal that has been haunting me since the hurricane in September. I plan is to come back with more randomness from my life and get back on track. Thank you for your patience with me, this was my first class and my organization wasn't at its best and with the hurricane I just go completely off track. Less than a week away and I should be back on track.

Stay strong---Be encouraged.

2 months.....

2008-10-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

Okay its the 2:26 a.m. and I just wanted to say I am getting back on schedule and plan to be back with a blog. I didn't realize it had been 2 months but it has. I will say part of it was the hurricanes but the other part is pure laziness on my part. I think I need a snack and then I am going back to sleep. I will catch all up on the boring life I lead.

Black Privilege and Love

2008-08-07T02:34:00.000-07:00

Okay I woke up this morning with my mind on 2 things. One was black privilege and the other being love. Yeah I know pretty random.

Black Privilege
So yesterday was the last dialogue for the Dialogue on Race program that I am participating in. Actually in like 3 weeks we are getting together for a "dinner dialogue". Well so there is this lady in the dialogue that frustrates me to say the least. Our reading was about solutions in eliminating race, I will say I was optimistic but after yesterday I am not sure if we can ever eliminate racism. Well these are just some of the highlights from the evening. We usually open up with a recap from the prior dialogue and then our facilitator ask us if we have any observations to share. So "ole lady" I will call her starts off with 2 things the first being a clipping out of the newspaper that says something to the effect that we can't have serious discussion on race because everyone isn't honest and the second being a article she read out the Christian magazine regarding balls that are had in Mobile, AL where there is an all white ball and then an all black ball. Okay....So our reading where about steps to eliminate racism. One of the writers suggested that there be listening the part of white Americans that doesn't judge, debate, defend, solve or critique. Well "ole lady" says that she believes that listening has to be on both sides. Not that I disagree with her. However, I tried to convey that if I am sharing a story or struggle with you that I personally have experienced or that black people experience, for you to come back with a story in an effort to share/empathize/relate only devalues what I just said. Translation----you ain't listening to me, and if you ain't listening to me I sure as hell don't want to listen to you any more. So ole lady shared with us about her experience with a black man that came to her church (I think) he was an anti-racism educator, he made the statement to the effect that Black Americans felt oppressed. She told us that she responded with that her father was oppressed by the racism of his father, ie. as a child he was taken to a lynching and that scared him for life, however when she wanted to write the NAACP her father refused to allow her to write to such a communist organization. And I am sure you were as baffled as I by this sharing. I don't completely understand the correlation between the oppression felt by an entire race to the rearing of your father by your grandfather ie. being taken to a lynching and his response to the NAACP as a Communist organization. Just a random thought Wasn't the NAACP established way before the threat of Communism? Well that's not all folks. So we continue to discuss efforts to eliminate racism, I stated that we have seen efforts in legislation to remedy the effects of racism. Well the reading suggested 5 things that or 5 perspectives for dismantling racism. One was that we must start from an historical perspective and not just an individual perspective. With that and I quote "The United States was established as a white society, founded upon the near genocide of one race and the enslavement of another". Is there anyone out there that disagrees with that statement. Well ole lady did, not only did she disagree with the statement she goes on to state that the we should be happy with the 3/5 compromise,what? And my response was why is that, she says because it gave us the Constitution. My response was why would I be happy about a compromise regarding my humanity that yielded us a document that didn't even apply to me. She then says that the Constitution was so forward thinking, ie." all men are created equal" WTF? I had to remind her that it wasn't talking about me. Now don't get me wrong in the context of establishing a democracy or looking for a model for laws and bylaws, yes the Constitution is a great document. However, the context of race relations it was not until recent years (ie. the 60's) did the Constitution start to protect me or even acknowledge my relevance to society. But that's not all, a couple of weeks ago we talked about White privilege. We defined white privilege as a system that confers an invisible package of unearned assets for those of the white race. So ole lady goes on to say she believes that there is black privilege. And somebody asked her what is that, she proceeded to refer to her list. She says that blacks have the privilege of being sensitive and offended, they can talk about white people and not be called racist (ie. white people can't dance). Ugh yeah lets find the correlation the ability to walk into any store in America and buy hair products, skin colored band-aids, skin tone hosiery and make-up versus the ability to say white people can't dance, to be avoided by statements, to have a heighten level of sensitivity. Oh yeah those are the same (please take notice of my sarcasm). and oh yeah this translates into asset that allows me to navigate through society much better. And that was just yesterday. In the reading it suggested the one of the reason that blacks/African-Americans don't participate in such dialogues is that they get frustrated with the lack of "openness" from whites.....GUILTY!!!

So on to Love
As I sit here at 5 am listening to the Commodores sign sweet love.......Lionel *fanning myself*
Okay so I have been thinking that maybe its time to open myself up to love and relationships. Cause you know there once was (still is some days) a time when I believed that all I needed from a man I could buy, borrow or do it myself. Not that I was some bitter black woman, I was just indifferent. I knew that there were some GREAT Men out there, it just so happen that none of them were for me. Well anyway I for some reason woke up thinking about the last time I was in love, it was College 2000 (yeah 8 years ago). I thought about the last time my "love" and I shared an experience where I felt loved, support and confidence. I know sounds crazy but what I want from a significant other is love, support, encouragement and someone to share the good as well as the bad times with. Well my senior year in college I was awarded a the MLK Humanitarian award for my commitment to race relations (ugh I think that was the phrasing), I and another fellow. Well anyway it was somewhat of a big deal. I didn't know I was getting the award. I was on the Union Program Council at the University and I remember everyone asking me was I going and I told them I wasn't sure, because I had enrolled in a night class that ran the same time as the MLK program. In actuality my boyfriend and I had the class together. Well anyway we go to the class. We get out of class early because its the first day. So we are walking back to my apartment and as we come in past the McDonald's I run into my mother. I am so surprised, one because my mother never came to visit me, she would either be there to pick me up or drop me off. She isn't much of a driver, particularly on the high way, she had rented a car and driven to 3.5 hours by herself. Well come to find out my sponsor from UPC had contacted my mother and told her that I was getting this award, my mother in turn had called my boyfriend (how she got his number is still beyond me) and told him and they plotted together to surprise me not only with this award but with my mama being there. I can remember running back to my apartment to change clothes cause I couldn't accept an award from Dick Gregory in my normal class attire (tennis shoes, jeans, t-shirt, baseball cap and ponytail) not with my mama her and the rest of the world (LOL) watching. So I ran home threw on a suit with a scarf (cause that's what was in) applied some heat to the hair, put on some heels and came back to accept my award. With my mama on one side and my love on the other, and my roommate cheering me on I was on top of the world. My boyfriend's minister was there and I introduced my mother to my Student Government sponsors and other people "this my mama" and my boyfriends was there cheering me on telling how proud of me he was. Damn....that was a good moment, I think that's what I actually miss that love and support that your family can't give you, nor your girlfriends....its different not better not less just different. I can think about other special events in my life graduating from law school, passing the bar, my first trial, my first not guilty as a defense attorney, my first job as an attorney, and the list goes on. And I can remember that little empty feeling I had when everyone went home.

so its now 5:32 a.m. I really don't know what to do go back to sleep or get up and clean my house and get ready for work. I have a volunteer project tonight I will be on the local PBS channel answering the phone for there annual telethon, that should be fun. I will tell you about it later.

I must say the song now is Earth, Wind and Fire "would you mind" and now my radio has come on and its Cameo "Word Up!!" I am feeling pretty 80's today, I may break out the neon (LOL)

So I got my results

2008-08-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman I am sad (actually not really) to announce that your girl has metabolic syndrome.
What is that you may ask according to Wikepedia it is "a combination of medical disorders that increase the risk of developing cardiovascular disease and diabetes. It affects a great number of people, and prevalence increases with age"
What are the signs and symptoms well Wikepedia says " insulin resistance; High blood pressure;
Central obesity (also known as visceral, male-pattern or apple-shaped adiposity), overweight with fat deposits mainly around the waist; Decreased HDL cholesterol; Elevated triglycerides"

So what does this mean for the kid, well I have been given medication/prescription that is suppose to assist with my insulin resistance, and possible help me loose weight. I also been placed on a 1800 calorie diet, which along with the medication I will not be starting until the 14th. In addition to that i have to do at least three 30 minutes days of activity and I think with me doing an hour of belly dancing all I have to figure out is the other 30 minutes. I have to go back to check my "progress" in three months, yeah right before Thanksgiving. So we shall see.

So please bare with me if my next several blogs are about this lifestyle change I am going through. Or if for some reason I stop blogging that just means I lost all this weight and some MAN has swept me off my feet cause I am just to damn sexy for my blog......But hey one of my goals was to loose about 60 lbs, to get my BMI down and well what better reason to do than for you health/life.

Today is my last day of Dialogue on Race, I am gonna kinda miss that. But I think I am gonna have a enough to keep me busy coming up. Lets see (pulling out calendar) August is pretty busy start this new lifestyle change, my 30th birthday, I start training for to be a mentor/volunteer in a school. Then there is September, still teaching, start my mentoring, got to Houston for my BFF 30th birthday, go to Dallas for a wedding, go to Port City for my mom's birthday. So I think I will be busy for the next 2 months.

Lets see what else....I think other than that my life is pretty boring. Oh I am suppose to finally go see this Jazz singer that I have wanted to see all summer, my co-worker and I are going out Friday. So maybe that will be something worth blogging about. my other co-worker is having a party on Sunday. I don't think I will go but I did say I will consider it. These are my issues: first of all its an all white party. I think themed parties are lamed especially when it requires me to put for extra effort. Then its a party that is hosted by my co-worker who has invited a bunch of our colleagues, seriously I just ain't feeling'.

i just don't know

Don't Worry Be Happy!!!!

2008-08-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

Okay so what is going on ? I am sitting in my bed at 3:30 a.m. thinking what the hell is going on.
I guess I will work my way back. Today was an okay day but I am beginning to think about my job and my salary. I believe I make decent money, yes my friends make more than me but hey I have a job with benefits, with this present state of the economy that is a blessing in itself. I was lying in bed thinking. I think I may be getting bored with my job. I took it for more trial experience, more money (thats relative) more courtroom expereince and something different. I currently feel like I am push paper, entertain judges, answer stupid questions and fight for trials. I mean have you ever heard of the judge trying to leave before the lawyers? I have expressed an interest in learning different things that people do, I know I haven't been there 6 months yet but "come on people", give me something. But I need to be careful what I ask for. I am suppose to start my online teaching this month so I am excited about that.

I have been going to my bellydancing classes and loving it.

(ugh yes, these are just random thoughts induced by insomia)

I have a hair appointment in the morning at 8:30 and then a wedding at 1:00, to be continued.

I went to my General Physician (first visit) and I think I love her. She told me that she believed that I may be pre-diabetic or have Insulin Resistance, which I think is the same thing. I want know for sure until the test come back. But I think I have it. I did some reading on it and the symptons I so have, This maybe a blessing, I said I wanted to lose weight and with this conditions I will have to change my diet and lifestyle, thus loose some weight. Which is what my Dr. said also. I mean I will have to say good bye to some of my favorite foods the first thing that comes to mind Mash potatoes (I heart M.P.) white gravy, brown gravy, it doesn't matter. I will have to cut back on my carbs. Pastas, white bread, cakes and stuff. I am gonna have to do it in moderation plus exercise.

Okay I will be back later with more randomness induced by insomia

So you want a letter......

2008-07-20T18:29:00.000-07:00

Ladie and Gentlemen I have an annoucement, I am a sucker, all day every day I am a sucker for love. So Friday I am sitting on the computer and guess who pops up, Aaron. So we are chatting and everything is going well. So he ask why do I keep deleting him, I tell him because I can't decide weather I want to talk to him or not. So then he says call me, I respond ugh can I have your number and then just randomly my phone rings. So we talk and he continues to apologize and tell me how he wanted to see me and blah blah blah. Then he says that I will just come and spend a weekend with you. I am like WHAT!!! Ugh, not sure I want that. So I like what weekend are you coming back and he says some random weekend in September. I am like whats the occassion, he is like ugh nothing. So we talk more and more adnI fall deeper and deeper for the ookie doak. Well so we finally get off the phone and I go to bed. So I am thinking and it comes to me what is going on that weeked, Homecoming and to add to that his fraternity is celebrating its 30th anniversary and there is suppose to be some sort of big reunion planed that weekend. So needless to say I am pissed.

Because this negro just lyed to me unprovoked and unsolicited. I have him an opportunity to say what was up and what does he do LIE. Well anyway I am online today and he is too, I speak and then I am typing and he sends me a message and says what are you typing, I am like how do you know I am typing he says cause it says you are, I say I am but not to you. He is like O, sorry. So then I ask, do you want me to write you a letter (in my mind a simple yes or no question) so he responds thats on you,I am like this is a simply yes/no question and apparently you don't which is fine cause if you had said yes I wouldn't have known what to say. So I get offline to wash my hair.

Well I am sitting hear thinking maybe I should write this letter, but I don't want him to keep my letter I want him to read it and give it back, because I don't want him to have "evidence" against me. so I figure I would write the letter here and then I would somewhat feel better.

Dear Aaron:

I must say I can't remeber the last time I wrote a letter and I sure as hell can remeber the last time I wrote a "note" to a guy. I do have couple of things on my mind. I don't even know where to start so I guess I will start from the begining. I can remeber so vididly the first day I met you and your boys, I can remeber going to teh "block party" in front of Power Hall. I rember feeling so stupid around you guys cause you all just kept coming with the jokes about me being from Arkansas and did I "bang in little rock" and everything. I can't say that I liked you then but I remeber thinking you were nice, but I had a boyfriend and I was in love with him. Well time went on and I remeber we had a class together and you became my study partner and I remeber thinking I am dropping this class and you may need to find a new partner cause as soon as you leave I am dropping this class. I think that night that you came over to work on an ISDS project I remeber thinking you gotta live, cause then I was seeing someone and it wasn't good that you were there, I could forsee myself getting in trouble. Well time passed and we would see each other occassionaly and campus, I remeber thinking you were attractive but that everytime I was around you and your friends I just felt stupid. So I would just speak and keep it moving, never engaging in anything more just a hello and thats it. I later learned that you took it as me acting "uppity" but in reality I was just shy and didn't know what to say to you without feeling stupid. I remeber you were the one that taught me how to pronounce Tchoupitoulas. Well any way school ran it course for me and so I graduated. Thinking I would never see you nor talk to you or ever find out anything else about you. Then one day 8 years later, you request me to be your friend on face book and on Saturday we talk all day and all night. You confess that you had a crush on me while in college but thought that I wouldn't be interested in you. I never tell you that I too had a crush on you but that everytime I saw you it was never a good time. I think you were dating someone when I wasn't and vice versa. Well anyway we talk and laughed and talked and laughed some more and it felt good. we would chat each other through out the day and chat. I guess you've figured out by now that I am a very gaurded person and I don't let people get close to me. I felt myself opening up to you and then I felt myself become indifferetn to you, which isn't a good thing cause the next step after indifference is dismissal. So we planned to have a date. The Sunday after July 4th, as the date got closer my indifference turned into annyoance, and anger. I was pissed that i agreed to this, even though I just wanted to lay/sit around and have some drinks and just talk until I feel asleep. I wanted to find out more about you and what made you tick, figure out how after all these years I could find myself still smitten with you. I even would have loved to listen to some good music, good food and good dranks and just TALK face to face. but then I wanted to call you and cancel and back out because I was scared, what if it went well then what and what if it went bad then what. So I was conflicted on this date we had set. I wanted to cancel but I didn't want to cancel, I was hopping you would change your mind and so I would be the "bad" person for canceling. So when you didn't call, I was worried because you were so adamant that you were not gonna cancel or stand me up, even when I joked with you about standing me up. So I called you and left a message just to make sure everything was okay. Nothing. Not a return phone call, email, text, instant message, post card NOTHING. I think thats what hurt the most that you didn't have the decency to contact me and cancel on me. So a week goes by and I am get nothing and finally you send me a message apologizing and I accept you apology but I wasn't sure if I wanted any thing else to do with you because you hurt me and disappointed me. However, even feeling that way I still wanted to talk to you, be around you, why I have no ideal Iwas still intrigued by you and was still smitten by you. I said that everything happens for a reason, well honestly you standing me up moved me from indifferent back to intrigued. Who is this motherfucker that stood me up? Why did he stand me up? Well so then we talked on Friday and I was once again smitten by you and even flattered by you wanted to spend a random weekend with me. But this is were it gets a little confusing for me.

You said that you stood me up because your nephew was in and out of the hospital. Okay!!
You said the the reason that you didn't contact me was because you didn't have my number programed in my phone and you couldn't/didn't get to sign on to your computer.
My thoughts on this is that you are full of shit. So what you are telling me is that even if you nephew hadn't been in and out of the hospital I would have been stood up any way because you didn't have access to my information. I have a problem with people who make me worry and people who I percieve to be inconsiderate. But I also have a problem with people who don't plan. Why haven't/didn't you program my number into your phone over the weeks that we talked and talked about going out when you came it never crossed you my number was worth programming into you phone. Just with the fact that you didn't think it important to program my number into your phone, did you ever have any intention of callingme when you got here......Iwould have to think NOT!!!

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this moment from our sponsors: My male best friend says that there are types of women that he want ever talk about with me: (1) the ones not worth mentioning; (2) the ones not worth seeing and (3) the ones not worth meeting. Now back to the letter.

So okay you are a bad planner, I have been lumped into one of you not worth catergories. That fine, I can't be mad if you don't want to go out with me just have the fucking decency to tell me. Please don't be a punk bitch about. I am sorry to hear about you nephew but it seems based on what you have said that I was gonna get stood up anyway. and just another observation.....I called you and left you a message. So after that why didn't you have my number. I am begining to think some body is full of shit.

So with all that being said, I will say I still wasn't mad. I didn't want to completely be done with you. I was welling to forgive and move on. I mean after talking to you on Friday I was so smitten. Even though you feel asleep at the end, which I found kinda cute. But then you go and lie.

So I look at my calendar because I knew one weekend I was gonna be in Port City for my mom's birthday. Now I wasn't so smitten with you that I wanted to be held hostage with you for an entire weeked, but I was willing to may be spend some time with you but I wanted to make sure I was gonna be here before I committed and that I didn't have anything going on. As I am looking at my calendar I see that the weekend you mention, and correct me if I'm wrong is Homecoming and not just any homecoming for you its your fraternities 30th anniversary. Now I was feeling pretty played when I reallized this. I mean I asked you what was bringing you to Capitol City on this random (so I thought) weekend in September. what did you say nothing. Nothing? do i have stupid on my forehead? You know I am glad I told you that I wasn't sure I wanted to spend an entire weekend with you. Dude your game is weak, because if it had been me (putting on my ole' player hat) I would have said I am actually am coming for Homecoming/Reunion, but I would love to spend that time with you as well. i sure i would have declined the offer to be among you frat brothers both old and young, but I would have felt kinda special that you wanted me to come with you to the reunion. or hell you could have said I have planned to be at the reunion but i want to spend time with you while I am there. Would you consider making some time for me? but no you go off and volunteer a lie.

So now we have inconsiderate, unorganized and now lier. Damn Aaron why you have to go and lie. Not that i am keeping score but I think this makes the second time that you have hurt/disappointed me. I have my own issues already so now I have to add trust to them when dealing with you. No sir I don't think so I think what ever feelings/emotions I had/have toward you I am gonna have to let them go. I can't allow you to hurt/disappoint me a third time. I mean you have struck out twice and we haven't even come face to face, a date, a hug nothing. Dude we are still in the preliminary phases of this "situation" and you are already fucking up. I would be a fool to continue anything with you. So just call me a fool...cause even after all of this I would like for us to remain aquatiaces. But thats that's just the sucker in me.

As you all probaly know I want ever give him this letter but if I do I will let you know how it goes, but don't hold your breath.

Randomness.....

2008-07-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong that I don't have an overwhelming desire to be married or have kids...I mean I want a wedding, actually not a wedding just a reception and as far as kids I just want to be pregnant and nurse, not trying to raise and enroll in school nothing major. Maybe I will just throw myself a big bash and be a surrogate mother. LOL!!

My two cents

2008-07-19T09:40:00.001-07:00

Okay so a couple of things are on my mind.
Let’s start with last week. Last Saturday night I couldn’t sleep and hopped on the Internet, I checked my face book account and guess who was on Krush. I don’t know if you all remember Krush but he was the guy in Port City that I had a crush on and come to find out he had a girlfriend/fiancé. Well anyway I spoke just to see how he was doing, and his response was GREAT!!! Half joking/half serious I responded “dude, I need some of whatever you got” he was like “what do you mean” my response was “I am doing good but I need to have whatever you got that can move me to Great” Well any way we chatted for a while and this is what I am learned/already knew about myself.
Even though I say I don’t (and I don’t to some extent) really cares what people think about me. I have heard it all my life that I am different, weird, strange, crazy, and white whatever you name it because I don’t feed into the stereotypes, subscribe to traditional “black” thought or sometimes do things or respond to things differently. For example, even though there are several black people in my belly dancing class, I am taking belly dancing. I told Krush one of the things I had the biggest issue with was I refuse to be defined by what type of car I drive, the name brand suit I were (or don’t wear), the handbag I carry, the way my hair is done or any other stupid superficial bullshit. I hate people knowing what my profession/occupation I would be happy if people thought I was the clerk at the corner store. I mean when people find out you are an attorney they have these expectations that have nothing to do with the law whatsoever. I am me and I do me, whatever that means, there is nothing special about me I am no different than the next chick. I could have just as easily be statistical black women from a single parent home who pretty much had to raise herself. So Krush tells me that I shouldn’t be ashamed/embarrassed that of what I have achieved nor should I surround myself with people who can’t/don’t celebrate these things with me. He goes on to say I need to cut off toxic people. Now if you all haven’t learned anything about me, I am somewhat no confrontational, I don’t like drama and confusion. I would rather maintain a friendship than have to deal with the drama of ending one. So needless to say I have some interesting people I surround myself with. And I know part of the reason is because I have allowed this to happen/go on for so long. I don’t really go to my friends with the things that are truly on my mind/heart. I think the person I would go to the most is El (I think that is what I have called him) but anyway my male best friend.

Earlier this week there has been much controversy about the “New Yorker’s cover of Senator Obama and his wife. I will say I am still confused about my position on the cover. I will say at first blush I thought this was a bunch of bullshit, how dare the New Yorker post such a racist, inaccurate, offensive and irresponsible picture. But then I looked at it more and learned more about the magazine. I learned that this was done as a satire, that they do things like this all the time. So I began to think what was wrong with this: I think for those ignorant people this will only serve as conformation and fuel for their fire about why we can’t trust Obama (as if our past presidents and presidential candidates have me trustworthy). So then I began to think what is right with this, those people who will use this as ammunition against Obama and his candidacy we want and can’t change. So I began to think well if this is satire what satire is. My understanding of satire is that it takes something, usually political in nature, present the extreme representation of whatever the issue is, in this case our understanding of Obama and giving us a exaggerated image of these extreme representation so that me may see the silliness in such. I think this is a great opportunity for some dialogue. I think we have a teachable moment. With Obama potentially being the first black president there have to be some things put on the table. Does America really understand blacks, black women and their indignation with America, Black men and their struggle, who Obama really. So is the Muslim, does he follow Bin Laden, is his wife some Angela Davis type Black Panther Militant, are they proud Americans. Instead of have discussions about these and so many other things we are dismissing this opportunity and leaving the picture to speak for itself. Which in my opinion is the last thing we want to do, I don’t think the New Yorker’s depiction is wrong, maybe inappropriate but that’s what satire is, it’s not to be funny, factual or appropriate. It’s to get people talking. I don’t think all the discussion about Obama and his family needs to be had now, these are things that should have been discussed and nipped in the bud prior to his “nomination”, at this point we should be talking about the recession that we are/are not in, the price of gas, education, environment, and obesity….the issues. But apparently there are people who can’t get pass his name and his “background” so that we can get to the true issues. I mean we didn’t ask Bush about his “relationships” the Bin Laden. Question: Are Obama and McCain ever going to debate?

Addedum to Goals

2008-07-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I had it going on, S23 challenges me with some questions. So I guess I better think more in depth about my goals. I think I should categorize them, which will help me in attaining them.

ON GOING GOALS- which mean that these goals are life long goals that I want to work towards them until my death.
Become truly active in church- right now I go to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday School after church and Bible Study on Tuesday; I want to find my ministry and grow in it.
Travel more
Do better when it comes to offerings at church- I tithes without thought, I can do 10%, but its offerings that get me. How much is enough, I know you are suppose to give from the heart, but how do you budget that?
Investigate and embrace a more holistic lifestyle
Cook more---how about Cook!!!
Exercise more---how about Exercise!!!
Control my weight (lose about 60 lbs. and maintain it)-
I have started making modifications in my eating habits, I take the stairs more at work, I drink more water, I pay more attention to the things I consume. I have set a goal to active start trying to loose weight beginning (1-4-09 and by 12-26-09 I figure I can lose 59 lbs.) I know that sounds crazy but I have a plan. Starting 1-4-09 I will do the master cleanser for 14 days from beginning to end. I will also begin my membership to the Y which will coincide with the cleanser. The last time I did it I didn’t exercise in conjunction and I lost 10 lbs, I have since gained it back but that’s a different story. Once that is completed I will go on a “diet” not your traditional diet, but one that eliminates bad “food” and add good “food” to cover 30 weeks, but I will actually do it for 49 weeks. I will also continue exercise.
Get back into dancing- tap, ballet, modern, jazz and belly- I have began belly dancing classes and want to continue them until the end of the year. I will take advantage of other dance courses in the following years that are offered by the local college and gym I am a member.
Get back into Yoga/Pilate's- part of my work out schedule for the upcoming years will include both classes that are offered at my gym.
Maintain relationship/contact with friends- I said for my 30th birthday I will began a complete phasing out of toxic people and work to maintain relationships with my “true” friends.

Financial- these are economic goals some have time lines while others don’t

Pay my Car off- I purchased my current car (12-2008), I have a low percentage rate but its for 5 years; I plan to pay it off (7-2011) which will be about 2 years and 7 months. (which will be within the 3 years that I wanted to pay it off)
Pay my Student Loans off (ugh… I don’t even know where to start with this one I fell like Sallie Mae will always be a part of my life; I have student loans that total over $70,000. I haven’t sat down to create an “attack plan” for this debt. As of right now I am scheduled to have them paid off by 8/14/2034…yes 2034 so we will sweep this under the rug for a bet longer.)
Pay my mom's house off (early) - I have a plan for that LOL!!! I want to have it paid off by 2014, we purchased it in 2006 and I think she has a 30-year mortgage, I haven’t really investigated because I know my mom she hates to talk finances with me and if I don’t have money to encourage her to open dialogue we are in trouble.
Build/Buy a home- I don’t have a plan for this yet, I know it will be after I pay my mom’s house off and once I get a plan for Sallie Mae. Right I figure I can stay in my current place for at least 5 more years, especially with the price of gas and I only live like less than a mile away and I love my neighborhood.
Give back to my Alma maters- I want to be financially relevant alum, I don’t have to have buildings named after me but a scholarship would be nice. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with this, if I am going to get some friends together and we sponsor this or if I am going to do this on my own. I did say I wanted to name one of my scholarships after my mother because it was because of her sacrifices that I accomplished what I have.
Save about $70,000- This is an ongoing thing. No deadline, but I want to do this before I purchase my first home. Now this isn’t just for my first home: $3,000 is for emergency cash that I can go to the ATM and just pull out whenever for whatever not earmarked for anything; $17,000 for living expenses, say I were to lose my job or get sick and tired and just up and quit this would be for about 6 months of living expenses; and $50,000 for a down payment on my home.
Furnish my place- no time line on this, but before I move into my “purchased” home. I want to accumulate investment pieces so that I want be spending money like crazy trying to furnish my new place, cause if I moved right now I would have jack shit…
PERSONAL PROJECTS…things I just want to do because.
Learn Spanish- I took 2 years of Spanish in college, I just want to learn a second language.
Learn Sign Language- in elementary school I check out a book on sign language and taught myself and some of my friends the alphabets, I just want to be able to sign.
Learn to Golf- I dated a guy who golfed/golf and ever since I met him I have always wanted to learn. I think I am going to check out what the local college is offering such classes.
Become a Massage Therapist- as if my current occupation isn’t enough, I just want to do it I have always wanted to do that since a child. And besides it’s always good to have a hobby you can make money in.
Go to the Kentucky Derby- even though I don’t talk to my dad, I do enjoy watching horse races and would love to go with some friends and live it up.
Learn how to play an instrument- which one I don’t know maybe the flute or guitar or piano.
Get my teaching career started- hopefully this will happen by the end of the year, if Human resources will get a move on it.
Pursue higher education ---L.LM, Masters, Ph.D—did you miss the part where I said I had over $70K in student loan debt, I don’t want to accumulate anymore, so hopefully if this teaching gig gets moving, I can maybe teach somewhere that would pay for me to get my degree(s).
Get organized
Go to the hill (Capitol Hill), I just want to work on the hill

Because I am a planner I can’t have to may things planned at once I think I have some things to take me to through years and as I accomplish things I will add a new thing.

Goals

2008-07-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

When I moved back to Port City after graduation I was sitting outside my beauticians shop, waiting for her, of course, I decided to make a list of things. Well yesterday it was interesting to see the things I could scratch off. So here is my revised list:

1. Become truly active in church.

2. Pay my Student Loans off

3. Pay my Car off

4. Travel more

5. Do better when it comes to offerings at church

6. Learn Spanish

7. Learn Sign Language

8. Get back into dancing- tap, ballet, modern, jazz and belly

9. Get back into Yoga/Pilate's

10. Learn to Golf

11. Become a Massage Therapist

12. Investigate and embrace a more holistic lifestyle

13. Control my weight (lose about 60 lbs. and maintain it)

14. Cook more---how about Cook!!!

15. Exercise more---how about Exercise!!!

16. Go to the Kentucky Derby

17. Pay my mom's house off (early)

18. Pursue higher education ---L.LM, Masters, Ph.D

19. Build/Buy a home

20. Get organized

21. Go to the hill (Capitol Hill), I just want to work on the hill

22. Maintain relationship/contact with friends

23. Learn how to play an instrument

24. Give back to my Alma maters

25. Get my teaching career started

26. Save about $70,000

27. Furnish my place

So these are the things I will be working on in the upcoming years

Why I never played the "dozens"

2008-07-15T13:15:00.001-07:00

For those that don't know I am an only child. Growing I was the poster kid for "latch key" kids. I spent many days at home by myself with the phone and cable all to myself. I wasn't suppose to have anyone in/at the house. When I got home from school I was suppose to check the mail, call my mom when I got home and do my homework and get ready for the next day. For the most part I didn't really see my mom that much, I would see her in the morning when before school and work (for her) and if I stayed up late enough I would see her when she got home. Now I should be (but I am not ) ashamed to say I sleep (yes as in present tense) with my mom. I don't do it as much now since I am older and we live in separate houses. But growing up I did it like it was the thing to do. At first I did it because we only had one bed (long story), but once I got my own bed I never really wanted to sleep in it. Now if I was mad or something I would sleep in my own bed (as punishment). Well even into my adulthood I would come home from school and hop in my mama bet and go in to a deep comma like state. Well anyway, I say all that to say growing up I had many surrogate families. One in particular were the "twins" home.

The Twins
Now I met the twins through there niece. When we moved to Arkansas my mom found a beautician and as any black women knows. when you move to a knew place its important to find someone who knows where the "kitchen" is and what to do when its nappy. Heat or Chemicals!!! Well anyway my mom found someone who ended up inviting us to church. Well I get there and ended up sitting next to this girl who ended up inviting me to her grandparents house. Guess what it was my new beauticians home. My mom let me go, I put on some of her clothes to play in and it was on. Well "niece" stayed with her grandmother, who had two daughters (who were a year older than me) cause "niece" was a year younger than me, and a son who was a couple of years older than me. Well when I got to there house, I thought they were rich, why because they had a Nintendo and a Sega and I didn't have either, plus they had all these games. Well they were playing between to the and cracking jokes and I am just sitting there in amazement. Well the twins' family take me in, I mean I went on family vacations, was at there house like "ALL THE TIME" now they would great jokes, buss raps on one another. But I tried my hardest not to get caught up cause. I know me, I am that person that gets mad and wants to fight. When I come back I am coming back to SHUT YOU DOWN!!! I am going for a main artery, no superficial wounds here. I want a one hit quitter.

So the reason I don't play the dozens is cause i can't "play" saying "mean" things to people, cause when i say them I mean them and it ain't know coming back. I am "hard core" at least in my mind I am.

I say all that to come back to my something (2) people have brought to my attention. It has to do with my inability to communicate with people. I don't think people are really ready to hear how I feel and I don't think I am really ready to share it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I don't want to be down right mean to anyone. For example: Aaron- Well I heard from him. Saturday before I went to market, I sat down at my computer and he Im'd me apologizing, I told him that his apology was accepted and that I was mad. Which was true. I wasn't, I was disappoint, hurt and annoyed, but Mad I wasn't. But I didn't say any of those things. I just toyed with it in my head and "deleted" him from my IM list. I was sitting at my computer yesterday at work and was getting ready to head home and up pops him. saying something to the effect that I must be acting funny cause I haven't spoken to him. Honestly, I didn't know he was online and I didn't really have anything to say. Now my response was "what are you talking about" but in my mind I wanted to say:
Just because I have accepted your apology doesn't mean that everything is going back to how it was before you stood me up. Now I am not mad about you "standing me up" because I understand things come up and when family's involved you have a tendency to loose track of time and responsibilities. I am sorry to here that your nephew was in and out of the hospital while you were here and I am not mad that I didn't get to see you while you were in town. However, I think it is fucking cowardly and bullshit that it took you 1 whole fucking week to initiate any form of communication with me regarding the change in plans, ie "you standing me up". I mean a text, email, phone call, hell something shit anything would have been better than 7 whole days wondering what the fuck just happened. Now as to me not speaking to you online, it wasn't acting funny I just didn't realize you were online, because I thought about it and decided to stand by my initial position in deleting your inconsiderate ass. At this point I have nothing to say to you but "Best of Luck". I have now room for people in my life that are to busy to be considerate. If you would have been fortunate to really get to know me you would know I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE ME WORRY, that is part of the reason my father and I don't talk now, inconsiderate is on my list of things not to do if you want to be my friend and see what can develop naturally from that.....inconsiderate is the pesticide to my garden,it kills everything. But with all that being said I hope you enjoyed your trip home and everyone else was doing fine, that you got to see your God son and he and family are doing fine. I have no desire to be your enemy, however I think we may need to return to our status prior to us reconnecting.
Now you can't just type something like that and expect no type of response and if I got no type of response I would be pissed, yes its a double edge sword no winning.

As I think back over my relationships I can't think of getting into arguments with any of them. Cause usually I just walk away, because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings or say something that would burn a bridge---i just suck it up and move alone.

I am planning on going to church today. I really need to go since I didn't go Sunday.

I will do a second post, yes a Double Header, cause S23 has been truly motivating. so on to the second post.

Why is closure so important to me....

2008-07-12T16:42:00.000-07:00

So today was rather interesting. I said on Thursday that I didn't want to do so much on the weekends. I know S23 says I do more cleaning up than anyone, actually I "clean up" on a weekly basis. That includes dust mopping, washing dishes, putting up clothes and shoes. Every other week I wash clothes. I really want to be on a schedule, because I feel so much better when I know what I am suppose to be doing and am doing it. Well Thursday I cleaned up, cleaned bathroom, and what not. I said that on Friday I would come home from work and separate clothes and make a grocery list and relax and watch movies. Which I did. I said on Saturday I would finally go to market and wash clothes which I did. On Sunday I would go to church, belly dancing and grocery shopping which I plan to do.

So today was a rather interesting day. I work up around 7/7:30 for market which was opens at 8 a.m. I hope online just to do my normal thing and guess how pops me a message. Aaron!!! Yeah the one who stood me up. He says I know you are mad, but I want to apologize for not contacting you or attempting to contact you. My response: Apology accepted!! He says: my nephew was in and out of the hospital. My response: how is he His response: he's okay he had Jaundice my response was: okay then he posted the definition of jaundice and my response was: I know what jaundice is his response: oh okay So then I say hey I am about to go talk to you later.

So the question remains, why is closure so important to me. I just can't walk away from things. Like this situation I (oh I forgot, when he popped up on my screen I added him back and he asked if I had deleted him, I told I only removed him from my list) I really want to just walk away. I will admit he did spark my interest but now I am like whatever to him, but I want to know WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!!! I know your nephew was in the hospital and all but you mean to tell me you didn't have one fucking minute to pick up your phone and say "hey, I can't talk long I am at the hospital with my family my nephew is sick i am gonna have to cancel, I'll call you when I get a chance" you mean to tell me its a been damn near a week and you just found the fuckin time to send me a message, I mean shit you could have sent an email, text, hell even a post card would have gotten here in less than 7 days.

So you are thinking why didn't I say these things to him. I don't know, because I am a shitty communicator. and lately I am talking bad too. I don't know why closure is so important to me if I refuse to be honest with people.

Well anyway my day was pretty good. I went to market and bought milk (whole milk WTF), peaches and Lasagna. I know crazy combo. I will definitely be back. So afterwards I cam home to wash clothes, while I was doing that, I ended up talking with my neighbor. She was like what are you doing up so early. So we talk for a bit and she tells me about some of the ladies in the neighborhood who get together and stuff. well today they are having a pool party. and she invites me. Ugh....I don't even own a swimsuit. I think the last swimsuit I owned was in high school. Yeah high school. I tell her that I will come but that I need to go shop for a ball gown. Yes I said it, a ball gown. After I finished washing clothes I trekked to the mall, yes the mall.

Anyone who knows me, knows I hate shopping for clothes and of all articles I hate a formal gown. Why cause it is so difficult to find one to accommodate all this body. Well I went to Dillards, Macy's, Sears and JCPenny and still know damn dress. I saw some cute things but nothing I could take home. Well while I was in there i had to get a corn dog, I hadn't had a mall corn dog in a minute. Probably the last time i went to the mall. Well afterwards, I head home to first stop at the grocery store to pick up a fruit tray. I got home and felt a little nauseated. So I laid down and found my old friend "power nap". I actually think I was over headed from outside, my car said it was 108 degrees and I don't think it got under 97 and I don't do outside. Well I got up and went to meet my neighbor who had invited me so we could go to the pool party. I must say I have never been to an adult (all ladies mind you) pool party. So i get there and a bunch of older ladies sitting under a tent "big tent" and eating and talking.
So I get home and unwind, pop in a movie "Daddy Day Camp".

My oh my...

2008-07-08T11:48:00.000-07:00

Okay so its the Tuesday after the fourth, I did go home to see my mamma. Let me just say that its expensive as hell to go home. I know I spent at least $100 in gas. I said I was coming home for my Birthday in August, my mom's birthday in September, I may skip October (unless I can figure how i can absentee vote), November Thanksgiving and December Christmas. but i may have to make some adjustments to that schedule. So what happened.

I spoke with a friend of mines who was gonna be in Port City as well. I told him that I wanted to see him while there so call me so we can figure out something. Well Friday I called him and have yet to hear from him. I told you guys about Aaron who I was freaking out about going on a date with, well he stood me up. I haven't heard from him till this day and we were suppose to go out Sunday. I will say I am a bit indifferent. I was having reservation about going out and was hoping he would cancel, then I was pissed that he didn't have the decency to call and cancel. But as of today I am WHATEVER.

I am enjoying my dialogue on race. Even though one of my "peers" just went on with it. I told her I am gonna bring my whistle and flag cause she was out of control. "Flag on the play". I am so glad I went back. I facilitator that I had concerns about turns out to be pretty cool.

Yesterday, I finally got an invite to my co-workers book club. I am pretty excited, they (notice I say they) are reading a book called passion marks, its about a gay dude in an abusive relationship, I may go pick it up but not sure yet or i may go online and order it for really cheap. So I will have to tell you all about that.

I am back on my movie kick I watched some really good ones last nite, Spanglish and Ultimate gifts. They were really good movies you should check them out. Tonight I don't have church so I think I am gonna watch the Golden Compass and Caveman Valentine.

I am trying to get my rhythm back, so needless to say my blogs maybe pretty boring for a while. what else..I think I may go to a "concert" this week or next. there's a new artist that will be performing, that I am liking. check her out. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=33428961 She is playing her and that may be my "adventure" for the week, I am still trying to make it to the market so hopefully i will get around to doing that.

I deserve whatever I get...

2008-06-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

I think I have spoken about a friend of mines, Looks good in black brown and earth tones. Well one night we were talking and I was telling him about my Misadventures at the club and this particular character I met. Well the guy was a complete loser, and I was completely bored. So I am going on about this loser with no redeeming characteristics and "...Earth tones" tells me, you know what you deserve whatever you get. It was harsh but true. So I say all that to say when dealing with my friends, and I use that term loosely, the same theory applies. I deserve whatever I get, why cause I know them and nothing they do should surprise me.

Well this weekend is no exception. One of my college roommates came to town for the weekend. Okay back story: The summer after my second year in college I went to summer school. I didn't have a particular roommate assign, so it was pretty much the luck of the draw. Well my draw was some random white chick. I have nothing against white people, but I didn't know this girl from Sam. Well anyway a friend of mines was in summer school too and she didn't have a roommate. So I switched rooms. Well my aunt went up with me and met her and what not. Well before she left she told me its something about her I don't trust. I said okay cause I have known her for a 2 years now she is cool. Well s0 we are roommates. Her normal roommate was the sweetest girl every and she was from the port city, the reason they weren't roommates was because she was in a summer program. I don't really remember when the craziness started but all i know it was alive and well that summer. (1) now anyone who knows me knows I am not really interested in being cold, i just like to be comfortable, now in south Louisiana it gets hot, well it would be like 90 degrees inside and i would come back to the room and the thermostat would be on like 90, now who in the hell wants to come in from hot ass outside to a hot ass dorm room. I mentioned this to her and her was response was i don't like to be cold i am thinking its cooler outside than in the room and i know you're crazy ass ain't gonna sit outside. (2) she would shower at night and get fully dressed (daisy dukes, tank top and all) and go straight to bed. (3) one day she told me to tell everyone that called that she was dead, my response was okay even your mother, she said no don't tell her that, I don't her I need her to make up her mind either she was dead or not, I ain't telling some people you dead and others you're not, I need some consistency, well that didn't make her to happy, so she locked herself in the closet. By this point I thought this shit was just funny. (4) in the middle of summer she would get dressed to go out and but on some damn crush velvet pants (5) so this was the clincher...one Saturday, I come in from studying and she tells me that she is having company over and he is bringing a friend, i am like okay whatever, I will be nice. Now needless to say I have been studying all day, I look a hot mess but i am like whatever i am gonna be a roommate/friend. So I go down the hall for something and come back and she is wrapped in a towel and says they are downstairs will you go meet them, I am about to hop in the shower. I am like okay whatever. So i go downstairs and introduce myself as her roommate and say she just got out of the shower so I am here to entertain you until she gets here. WE laugh and joke, cause they are like what is she doing, I am like hell if i know. I just came back from the lab and she told me we were having company. So we sit downstairs and laugh and talk and get to know. I find out she just met this guy last night at the club, and he doesn't really know her. Well she finally comes down, all dressed to impress, I am think "Ain't this some shit" and so we start cracking jokes about how she's making a grand entrance and stuff and got me out here looking like bo bo the fool. Hair done, make up, daisy dukes, cute shirt, the whole nine. So we sit down stairs and talk well the 2 guys and I laugh and joke and what not, she just sits there and laughs loudly here and there. Well so the night draws to an end and they are like we are have a party at my house you guys want to come, so they give us the number and info and they leave. Well prior to this one of my ls call and ask if I want to go out. I tell her yeah but I have to meet these guys with my roommate and when they leave I will call her so we can go out. So when they mention pool party I am just being polite knowing full well, I ain't getting no swimsuit and I ain't coming to your house. So the guys leave and we go back to our room. So I start getting dressed to out out with my line sisters and she says something what are you wearing, I tell I don't know I am about to call my ls and see where we are going and then decide. She then says you aren't going to the pool party, I almost bust out laughing and say ugh no, those are your friends and you didn't seem to be in to them, why you wanna go. and she says YES!!! I am like fine I will call my LS and tell them to go without me. So I call my LS and she just laughs and says okay. So we go to the pool party. We get there and there are like 2 other chicks there and a couple of dudes. I am like oh we ain't gonna be here long. Well so we sit down and the chicks offer us something to drink. We decline the alcohol. So I started asking questions (to try to break the ice) come to find out one of the girls is the guy's (the one that was for my roommate) sister and the other girl was her best friend. Then they say the went to LSU and pledge AKA, which my roommate was. Now this silly broad. So they are asking her questions about advisors and programs and what not and she is like really cold and borderline rude to them. So I am still trying to ease the tension and chit chat with them. So then another girl comes in and she is my soror I see her she sees me and we just hug and greet and what not. (that's what you suppose to do when you meet a sorror, especially one from your chapter) She is like what are you doing here, I tell her my roommate met this guy and he invited her over and I just came with her. She was like are you drinking I was like know and she is like I AM and proceeds to the blender to whip up something. Well by this time the dude comes in and says ya'll wanna come outside, we are like okay. So we go outside with them and there friends and laugh and joke and what not. Well at some point the girls come out and start talking to my roommate and my soror starts talking to me. So I am headed over to them and my soror stops me and is like you don't want to go over there. Well they leave and she comes back and we hang out "ALL NITE" well afterwards we leave and I am thinking she is so not into this guy, whatever cause I got some digits out of this. So we leave and go to Krispy Kreme and come home. Well the next morning we get up for church and she is really salty with me. We go to church and she is acting a plum fool. So we get back and I am like I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but i don't do crazy and I am moving out TODAY!! I go to the Dorm Director and like I need out this bitch is crazy and I am afraid to sleep in the same room. So they find me a new room and by the time I get back she is on the phone and says here. I am looking at her like who the fuck is this.....It's her mom, she says roommate says you all are having some problems, I say no mama they have been resolved. I am moving out and they have found me a new room. She is like what is going on so I tell her about what her crazy daughter is doing. the tell everyone I'm dead, the turning the room into a hot box and what not. I even tell her about the night before how I canceled my plans to go with her to some random dudes house only to have her embarrass me but being rude, cold and stank. and her mother's response was "she said those girls were very nice to her" I said well when we first got there she was rude and cold to them (mind you in her house) and the girls did everything to make us feel welcome and so i guess they just had enough. I said and she has been acting crazy with me ever since, I said I didn't even want to go I had something planned already. This was her ideal and her ideal to stay all night. and this was when i knew her mother was crazy. "she says well she has been around white people all her life" and she's anaemic. WTF????? I said yes mama. then she says I wish you would rethink moving out, I will talk to her and you all want have anymore problems. So I stayed an we didn't have any other problems.

So fast forward to this weekend. I get a random instant message from her saying I will be in Capitol City, can I stay with you. I am like okay when are you coming. She was like I don't know I will let you know. So I tell her I don't have any thing plan, except Sat. I have a hair appt. at 8:30 and 3+ weeks of clothes to wash and Sunday I have church and belly dancing. So she says she is coming Saturday. I am like cool, i have to work late Friday, that will give me time to get a nap clean up and get some laundry done. Well on Thursday she im's me and says she is coming Friday. I am like ugh okay. She is like is that a problem, I'm like no I just haven't cleaned up and or anything. She was like don't worry about that. So Friday comes and i get off work. i call her around 5:30 to see what time she is coming. So I change clothes grab a snack and my neighbor comes over and invites me to a jazz concert at the university. I tell her that my friend is coming but I don't know why, but if she hasn't called by the time we leave o well... so i hope online to see if i could find out anything about this concert, I don't want to be completely stupid and low and behold its sold out. So I go over and tell her that its sold out and see what she wants to do. I get there and she is talking with another neighbor and is like lets go out to eat. So that what we do. So we drive all over town to find a place to eat only to end up at Copeland's. Well then i get home about 10 pm and she calls and says she is on her way and needs directions. So I give them to her and then she calls me back about 30 mins later and says she got a little distracted and she would be on her way later. I tell her to call me so i can let her in. So i am half sleeping waking up every other hour scared i missed her call, so i finally get up at 5:30 and go on to my hair appt. for 8:30. I don't hear back from her until 11 am damn near 12 hours later.

I think she shut me down....

2008-06-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

Okay I told you all that I was starting this 6 week program "Dialogue on Race". Before I get started let me say I have taken part in numerous leadership seminars, several "programs" on race and what not. I think I have a pretty good understanding, I acknowledge that I have a different way of looking at things and can sometimes be closed-minded. With all that being said today I think one of my facilitators shut me down. I can be controversial and antagonistic, but this time I really wasn't. I said I wasn't gonna say anything but I just couldn't hold it. Okay so today the dialogue was about terms we would use in the class. I understand that we must lay a foundation so that we must be on the same page. Because occasionally people use words interchangeably and it can be confusion. So we were to go around the table and introduce ourselves and give our definition on racism. Well my definition was some like fear, misunderstanding, that its a learned behavior, nobody is born a bigot. Well so my first shut down was when I did my introduction I told who I was and a little about me and my definition of racism. So then I say "Why I'm taking this class" and the facilitator says "okay we don't have time for that we have to get to the other people". Okay I know we have a time schedule to keep and I wasn't going to tell my life story, but I found it interesting that we had time for everyone else but not for me. Okay I didn't take it personally. So then we got to discussing definitions.

Racial prejudice- a preconceived judgment or opinion; an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge. Racial prejudice is an irrational attitude or hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics.

Institutions- a society is composed of a great number of institutions. They may be either private or public, but all are interconnected through their common task of helping the society to function. Institutions give expression to the organized activities of a community and serve its various needs.....

Okay so we are given these definitions and then the facilitators says doesn't this sound a lot like individual prejudice? *thinking to myself is she telling us or asking us* so I ask do we have to accept them ? can we use both? she pretty much looks at me like i am stupid and I pretty much think what ever it is your definition and your class. So then we break.

and I began to think. if the formula for racism is Individual Prejudice + Institutional Power= Racism. Ugh that seems flawed, what if the person is the institution? What institution do you know that isn't comprised of individuals who bring there "issues" with them weather its political, racial or personal. I truly believe that this definition is flawed, it almost uses a word to define itself. I mean a institution can't stand on its on, its made up of people. I just couldn't move past it.

SO here's my dilemma, do i go back. I know that definitions are an essential part of this communication/dialogue and I ain't with the definitions.

Okay when I wrote this after my first class. I did go back and the second class was entirely different. It was better. I am glad I went back.

So far...

2008-06-25T09:26:00.001-07:00

Okay I think the last time I wrote was Monday and I was telling you about my daily readings. What's been going on since then. Let's see. Monday afternoon I heard from Aaron, he just makes my day. I think I may be smitten but moving towards indifference, which is good. I figured out something, though I like attention, damn near love it, its affection that I really like. Yeah I know that's random and has nothing to do with Aaron, just something to file away. Well anyway we chatted a bit and afterwards I watched a movie, it sucked...I hate black and white movies, i can't think of a movie in black and white that i like. to make it even worse the movie had Geroge Clooney in it. I want my George in color!!!! Well after that i tried to go to bed, but couldn't sleep. talked to my best male friend, not sure if I have given him a name if I haven't I will call Eldrick (El). Well El sends me the funniest shit, the Shaq rap about Kode. I have a strong dislike for Kobe, no I don't know him but his image sucks in my opinion.. KOBE TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTE!!!!

Tuesday was pretty busy for me. I had court and got out early and had lunch with my one of my ole advisers from LSU. We talked and talked and talked and talked next thing I know it was 2 hours later. It felt really good to talk to her, she reminded me of many things and got things stirring in me. At one point of my life I was really active in school, name it i was a part of it. Student Government, Residential Life, Union Programing, Greek Life, Rotaract, I did it all and loved enjoyed every minute of it. I told you guys the story of my ex who I dated in college. Not sure I mentioned he tried to kill the Dean of Students, who I knew personally. Well, lets back up. One lesson that was truly hard to learn for me that I learned in college (should have already but...) not to put your eggs in one basket. Well I did and ended up with nothing. Well anyway the following semester is when all hell broke loose. I pretty much was phasing out or was phased out many of the things I had been involved in the past 3 years of college. I was focusing on graduating and getting my GPA up cause it was in the toilet. Well after my boyfriend tried to kill the Dean, who mind you was one of my advisers and knew we were dating, i went M.I.A, I pretty much went to class, to work and home, didn't really talk to anyone other than "The Crew", my roommates and my BFF (yeah the secret agent). I was trying to get out of college with "all deliberate speed". Well talking to my old advisor made me miss what I use to do, be active. I have slowly been moving toward becoming more active. I work with my sorority and things here and there. Man I will say the sorority is no joke, that want your time your money your all... but its good. So after I came back from my 2 hour lunch, I did a little work, went to pick up my dry cleaning (its bad when you take stuff to the cleaners and forget you owned this stuff), picked up my shoes (cause your girl was walking on nails) and went to the Delta house for 6 pm. I was with the Debutantes.They had a speaker there who talked about health and holistic living. YEP IT PEAKED MY INTEREST. I have been thinking lately about a lifestyle change, nothing drastic but something to get down to my (excuse my language) fucking weight. That's the weight you want to be at and have some one see you naked. cause right now your girl is a little fluffy. She talked about how we consume so many toxic, dairy and high fructose corn syrup. She also talked about 5 exercises that you can do for 5 days and lose 5 lbs in 5 weeks. 1.)lunges; 2.) squats; 3.) push ups; 4.) jump rope/ jumping jacks and 6.) walking. I she also gave an eating plan that is 30 weeks long. Nothing hard just adding things and subtracting things from your diet. I think I may try some different things. Like: drinking an 8 oz. class of water when I first wake up- she said that doing so replenishes your body because your body works its hardest while you are sleep digesting food (which is why it isn't good to eat late) and eating fruit up until noon and then after that eat regular food and then not eating meat and bread together (modification--as much).
Well anyway after she spoke the debs had to plan there culmination program. At some point in this all I was "nominated" to work with the debs next year and plan all of there 'programs', we will see. So I got home about 9pm and passed smooth out.

Today- I briefly chatted with Aaron, but like I said I am moving from smitten to indifferent, but that isn't bad (i don't think). Its probably good we didn't really talk, because i get all googoo gaga after we talk and I need to keep it together ( I WANT BE A SUCKER FOR LOVE). This evening I have my first "dialogue on race" this should be interesting, I will keep you all posted on that I have promised myself that I would listen much and speak little this day. We will see how that goes.

Oh How could i forget. My best friend, the secret agent her son pasted his first float test. I think there was some bribery involved, like BIG TOY FROM WAL-MART, but he passed it none the less. I was so worried not for him but for his mom. I think she would have be sad if he didn't pass. So i think he has 2 (maybe 3) more "test" to go and then he advances. GO STINK LITTLE BOY GO!!! We may have a Anthony Ervin in the making.

My daily reading.....

2008-06-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

Okay this weekend I was reading my daily readings, ie police reports.... and sometimes I have to just laugh cause this ish is ridiculous.

1.) Defendant is charged with improper use of 911- he called the police because he couldn't find his mother and he needed help to get in the house to get some of his clothes....okay this may have been an emergency if we were talking about a 4 year old who couldn't find his mother but we are talking about a grown A## man who can't find his mother so he can get in the house (Question: where is your key dude? Answer: Either you are to irresponsible to keep up with it or you don't have one which means she don't want you in your house.)

2.) Defendant is charged with Domestic Abuse Battery- he hit his baby mamma cause she was sitting outside with there child, so he takes the kid and hits her, why? Because he told her to come in the house and she wouldn't, and I quote "what else was I suppose to do, she she sitting outside with my baby knowing he can get Westnile".

Okay I know you all may not think this stuff is funny, but I read so much foolishness that I sometimes literally laugh out loud.

My insecurities....

2008-06-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

Okay I spoke the other day about how the thought of Aaron makes a lot of my insecurities flare up. So lets see if I can flush this out with myself and address them. I told you all I am my own therapist.

Okay about me. Growing up I never thought about getting married, having kids or anything like that. I once met someone I loved? and thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I almost postponed my graduation for him so that we could graduate together, move to St. Louis so he could do grad school and I do whatever was needed to make the relationship work, if that meant go to grad school as well or work while he was in grad school or raise our family while he was in grad school. Now mind you we talked about marriage, but it was never my understanding that we were going as husband and wife but that we were going together. Well circumstances came about that ended our relationship. I found out that he was not completely loyal to me (not sure if he had sex with the girl or what actually happened between but whatever it was I found it wholely inappropriate if I was his girlfriend and the woman he was planning a future with). Well once I found that I lost my mind, I had decided that I was going to this chick residence and cut all of her hair off and mail it to him where he was. So I pack my bag with scissors and zip lock bag in tow, I go to her place of residence only to be told that she isn't there. I go back to her place and the door is open, I go in and take a seat. So I am sitting in this girls residence in the door in front of the door, so I am the first thing she sees when she walks in and turns on the light. Well, I can say it was nothing but the Grace of God, that had my friend suggest we run down stairs so she could check her email and come back before she gets back, cause she was tired of waiting. So we go check her email and as I am waiting she comes home. So I go back and ask her roommate to leave and go smooth off.... I can't really remember all I said to her, but I remember thinking she thinks this is a game. I told her that I would hang her from a tree, and I had figured that I would do it with the sheet from her bed at the tree outside her window. Well I didn't hang her but I did scare the life out of her. Had some questions to answer with the law and almost didn't graduate. But THANKS BE TO GOD, cause it was nothing but him, i was completely emotional and out of control.

So to my insecurities....

1.) I am afraid to ever care about someone so much that I lose myself. I am not sure if I can care or love someone again, because if I get hurt I am not sure how I will handle it. I never want to feel like that again. A hurt that goes to sleep with you, wakes up with you. Its almost like in the cartoons with the dark cloud that just follows you around. I mean I did everything to make it go away. I went to the gym, I drank, I fucked, I worked, I cried, I sought revenge, I did everything except drugs. I can honestly say that it wasn't until like within the last year that I was completely over it all. The love, the hurt, the circumstances that lead to the end of our relationship. I had suppressed and denied myself for so long that one day was like I am so done with this yeah like 7 years latter, talk about baggage.

2.) I am afraid of loosing control. I pride myself on controlling people and situations. I hold all the cards and ration them out as I see fit. and take them back as well. I would love to be the young naive chick I once was. Be able to submit to a man but now the thought of that makes me want to cry. I feel trapped and suffocating to even think about being in such a situation.

3.) Fear of abandonment. I have abandonment issues. I don't know if I can handle a relationship. I can't stand to be "neglected" for any period of time. I become neurotic, does he still like me, is he mad at me, does he want to stop seeing me? I then start playing our last conversations over in my mind wondering where I went wrong, critiquing everything analysing every statement to the point I am exhausted and want out because I don't want him to break it off with me first.

4.) The one issue I want blog about because I think its to personal.

5.) Fear of commitment. I am afraid that I am my father's child. My father hasn't been faithful to anyone that I have known him to be with. I am sure he has his spin on it but NO HE HASN'T. I am afraid that my father's, grandfather's and great grandfather's genes will kick in and I will either be like them or marry someone like them. And looking at my mother's mother I and my dad's mother I may be in trouble. I am afraid of my genes. I love my family be with the good comes the bad. I don't think I would intentionally hurt my mate, but I do believe I am susceptible to poor judgment here and there, which would destroy my current situations.

What else...
Well like I said I have never seen myself with husband and kids. However anyone that I get serious with must understand my relationship with my mother. She is my heart, my backbone, my support. We have a very "strange" relationship and you just have to accept it for what it is. She is the most important person on this earth to me and everyone else comes after. If you are lucky you can be the second most important person in my life. My mother has done so much for me, she has sacrificed so much so that I can have and it is my responsibility to make sure she has everything she wants, needs and desires. Now occasionally she gets a little out of hand and I have to lay down the law. I am an only child so when it gets to a point that she can't take care of herself it will be my responsibility, and there is no if ands buts about it. My mother doesn't want to be put in a nursing home and I will do my damnedest to make sure that never happens. So with that being said, about 2.5 years ago my mother and i (kinda) purchased a townhouse. While we were living together, I was able to pay off all my credit card and my car off. I was then in a position to help her attack this mortgage aggressively, but then I moved. So I have figured that if I get financially strick we can pay this mortgage off in 5 years, as well as both of our cars. So what has that meant I am not buying furniture for my current place, I don't plan on spending unnecessary monies. I am gonna budget, budget budget. I have not factored a man into my life, nor a long distant relationship, nor kids (they would need a budget all by themselves) nor a wedding and all those damn expenses.

With all that being said lets bring it home. I have been thinking about Aaron, only because he makes my insecurities flare up. I want to get to know him, but I can't invite him to my place- I don't have cable, I don't have furniture (I have a futon, a bed, a old TV with no remote, a DVD player, a breakfast nook with 2 stools; my clothes are in Tupperware tubs and luggage; not a picture on the wall; I don't cook nor buy like serious groceries, I mean I could go on) I live like a true pauper. Then he is in an area currently that is 7 hours (yes 7 hours) difference in time. This is only a recipe for tragedy. Then I think he may be interested in the person he knew, knew of in college. I am like 50+lbs. heavier, with baggage, poor communication skills, 10 years of life kicking my ass---- pretty much a horrible candidate to invest time, emotion and energy in. *I throw my hands up*
This is so not something I want to do......I just want to be left alone, I want to cancel, I want to cut all communication, I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I AM SO MY FATHER'S CHILD, I'm cursed this is my punishment for all, foul, ill, wrong shit I have done and my ancestors.............................................................................................................................................................

I am so not a match for anyone, this dude is so out of my league, what the hell am i thinking? I am gonna do nothing my aggravate, frustrate him and ruin the decent friendship we currently have.

Float Test

2008-06-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

Okay this was a new concept to me until last night. I was talking to my best friend, yeah the secret agent. She was telling me how "stinky little boy" was ready for the FLOAT TEST and she was all excited. Okay think back to the days when I was a guppy and taking swimming lessons, all that entailed was getting in the pool and having your instructor help you lay on your back and you float. But obviously things have changed and they are training swimmers for the revolution...She proceeds to tell me about the NEW float test. What happens is they just throw your child in the pool, street clothes and all, they ask that you dress them in real shoes no flip flops and swim shoes, pretty much what ever they would wear to school. Once your child is thrown into the pool he must either float for five minutes or swim to the edge. WTF???? I don't know any adults that would take kindly to this test, yet alone a 3 year old. If you all ever met "stinky little boy" you would understand why I am concerned, he is gonna be full of attitude but then again he may surprise me, I hope it does well. Oh did I mention that the have to do this for 3 consecutive classes and they ask that each time your child is dressed in MORE clothes then the last time.

Well anyway that made me think, maybe I should implement the float test in my life. I mentioned to TV Junkie today about my "date" and her advise was don't worry about, don't think about the day of if nothing has been decided I have a plan. But no more talk, no more thoughts, no more stressing and no more worrying. It is what it is.

Okay I am suppose to be cleaning up and I done my room and my bathroom. I have the living room, front room and kitchen left I am moving so slow. I have another eventless weekend planned. I am thinking I will finish cleaning up, maybe pop in a movie and read some police reports. Saturday I think I will try and get up in the morning and finally make it to the market its like a block over and I haven't been since the day I moved into my apartment (yeah like March), pop in a couple of movies, read some police reports and get ready for church. Sunday go to church, then belly dancing, then wash my hair finish up my movie (yeah i got the max 7) and finish up my police reports and make sure I am ready for the week.

I have another blog that came to mind so I am gonna end this one and try to squeeze this one out.

He just made my day....

2008-06-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

Okay so Aaron is off the list...yesterday I was having a pretty busy and overwhelming day at work. So I come to sit down at my desk like with 45 minutes left and guess who I have a message from. Seeing his message just make my day, yeah lame I know (i must stop this insanity) So I decided to go home and be a heathen and not go to the dry cleaners, vacation bible school, the grocery store and instead and go home and talk to him. OH SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!. So we talk about we are still trying to figure out what we are gonna do, I did tell him I didn't want to go to the movies cause that would be a waste of 2 hours not talking to him. Of course he had a smart ass response (I wasn't taking you to the movie anyhow) I just wanted to die. So then I tell him I find him scary cause....I don't. He tells me he likes me and what not and we talk about vulnerability and how I hate to feel weak. I wish I could just open up and stay what I felt and thought but its just so damn hard. I want to get to know him and see if my interest is just because its new or genuine, but I am to damn impatient. So we will see.

Today I have a Money matters seminar for my sorority and then I am suppose to go to a club tonight, but I really ain't feeling that, so I may skip it and go tomorrow night, I haven't decided. What else, I finally got my information for my class in yesterday, but i was so overwhelmed and tired I didn't get a chance to look at it. But hopefully I can get it out tomorrow for approval and have it in the mail but Thursday so it will be there timely.

This morning I woke up and read some emails, my old colleague from court sent me this funny as shit email about Baraknaphobia, so I sent it to people I knew, one being my ex. He emails me back and says "I am suppose you are still talking to me" my response, "ugh, why wouldn't i? What have you done, Now? we are good? whats been going on with you?" so we will see what his response will be. I so don't want to get sucked into that web, but I hope we can be friends, we've shared so much, LOL!!!

Back on Aaron---He scares me, we I think about him it triggers my insecurities. I have worked so hard to suppress them, mask them, camouflage them and just the thought of him makes them flare up. THIS DUDE MUST BE STOPPED!!! but i think I may like him.....somebody sedate me please, i can't do this......

My best friends a secret agent

2008-06-17T18:00:00.002-07:00

Okay I am not sure if you all remember me telling you that my my best friend went to Egypt....totally cool. So yesterday I was talking with another good friend of mines that knows my best friends, we will call this friend TV junkie. I am not sure if I have talked about TV junkie on here, I think I have. Well TV junkie is my role model. She is the greatest. She was probably the first of my friends to get married and she now has 2 beautiful daughters, she's a stay at home mom, she knows something about everything, if I need to know something or get motivated to do something she's the person. I know I have talked about TV junkie she's the one with her husband that "kidnapped" me to go to this Gala right after I first moved back here. Well anyway she asked me what my BFF did, and I gave her some vague answer cause I know where she works, I know what she says she does but I promise you she does work, though she says otherwise. I joke that she is my Tommye (as in Tommye from Martin). Well Tv Junkie has another theory that I am pondering, she says my BFF is Jennifer Gardner from Alias. Now I haven't seen the show but I do know that its about a secret agent who has all of her friends thinking she is like some computer geek. Cause when I tell you my BFF takes amazing trips with this company and with her last company. So if I go M.I.A then you know some foreign government has taken me hostage for some ill shit that my BFF has done.

What else is going on. I stayed up until 2 a.m. talking to my best friend. We haven't done that shit in a long time. She was bitching about why people don't tell her stuff and I felt guilty cause I hadn't really told her about my potential date with Aaron. She was all excited and then when I told her my position on the lack of communication she was like you are being crazy. Then she proceeds to tell me I have to "play the game". for those that don't I am so against playing the game. I have my own approach, yeah she's married with kid and I am single. But I just don't want to be fake. I don't want to start something that I am not going to finish. I don't want him to meet my representative cause I don't want to meet his. Of course she got on my case because I am impatient and I just don't let things happen. We talked about what we were doing and I told her that honestly I don't want to do dinner and a movie cause if this is gonna be the only time I see him for a while, then I don't want to waste 2 hours sitting in a dark movie being quiet. I would rather go hang out. She was like what about pool or bowling, I was but I am not good at those things. I am not gonna go on a date and suck at something. I can't let him beat me, that would suck. Of course she threatened to slap me cause that sounded crazy. So I don't know what the deal is hell I hate this limbo shit, I just rather throw my hands up and surrender and be like "I'm Done, count me out" she's like just go and have fun. What kind of stupid shit is that....go and have fun. like its that damn easy. I don't know why she is acting like she just met me. She knows me and how I am so why would she say that to me. Cause it ain't happening. Oh well, think I am gonna end up screwing this up to, hopefully it want be to bad and he want wish he had never sent me the "message".

okay i think that's it for now.

My best friends a secret agent

2008-06-17T18:00:00.001-07:00

So how's getting deleted

2008-06-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

Alright for those who haven't participated in the game this is the first online episode. What normally happens is I get a "hair" in my ass and decided to delete people from my phone for random reasons. I take them to committee (me, myself and I) and we discuss why or why not they should be deleted. Well with the online episode I am actually sharing "somewhat" this is a family show (LOL) my reasons and then well they get the button (the erase button that is). So lets start the "games":

1. Gemini body- gets deleted because I know we only talk occasionally and before your work required you to travel alot. We have had our share of misunderstandings about the status of our friendship. But dude I drove to Dallas to surprise you and I can't get a nothing. You said and I quote "I am gonna make it my business to call you once a week to see how you're doing", of course I didn't believe you when you said it, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt but yet you proved me right. And to add insult to injury you haven't accepted my friendship on myspace (canceling that request as well)....transferring you to electronic address book, ERASED

2. okay we will but Aaron on standby until next Monday

3. Mr. PaPa you were never added back from the last time I deleted you, however you have been deleted from myspace and all your texts have been deleted as well. Gotta keep it moving.

4. LJ is getting deleted...I haven't really talked about him. This was my Law school scandal,he is being deleted because (1) we haven't talked in like a month and (2) the last time we talked you had to many damn questions about who i was associating with. ERASED

5. preacher nupe...hadn't really talked about him, we were good friends back in the cut,but I think his number has changed and we haven't talked since before I moved here...Erased

6. looks good in black and earth tones---you got to go too, cause this is more of the same bullshit from years past for me. you are too controversial, my friends hate you and actually i think one would "try" to "kill" me if she knew about you....plus you have to much going on and i just ain't for the sharing.

okay I think that is good for right now, we have some that are one deck and there activity will be monitored. thank you for you time and tune in next "week" for SO WHO'S GETTING DELETED.

Probaly why I was down in the dumps this weekend...

2008-06-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

Okay a couple of things I was so down in the dumps this weekend. After I got off work I went home and went to bed. I then got up and did some cleaning and what not. I went to Wal-mart to pick up a few things plus I got Usher's new CD. (not sure how I feel about it, will keep you posted) I then finally went to bed around 3 a.m. to only have to get up for sorority meeting at 9:30 (actually breakfast is at 9:30 and then meeting at 10, but meeting didn't start till like 10:30ish) So I came home and wasted the rest of the day away, then my best friend called me to tell me all about her trip to Egypt (which actually was the highlight of my day) and then I went to bed. I woke up around 7ish and decided I wasn't going to church, so I slept in until like 9 and did some random things around the house. Then I went to belly dancing which was pretty cool, it got me out the house and doing something.

I figure why I was in such a funk...it was Father's Day weekend and I spent the entire time trying not to hate my father. I really don't want to hate him (cause I ain't trying to go to hell behind him, shit his contributions on earth have been pretty hellacious, really not just the effects they have had on me) In addition, I haven't talked to Aaron since Thursday and if you haven't figured it out I have abandonment issues. When people go M.I.A. on my I somewhat freak and and cut them off completely. So I am slowly cutting Aaron off. I did send him a text today and if I haven't heard from him by Friday of this week then I am done. I am canceling our "date" if that is even what it is and deleting him from my phone. Say what you want, but whatever.

So today a friend of Mr. Phuck around to phuck around comes by my job, to get some assistance. So later on today, I get a call from Mr. PaPa to say thanks for helping his boy out (not really sure what I did, but okay) so then he sensed that I was being short with him and I explained that I am pretty much done with him. He was like okay this is like the 6th or 7th time you have kicked me to the curb, can I at least have a reason. I told him cause I am not use to getting what I want. Which is part of the reason. I am tired, I am tired of the same ole shit in my life when it comes to men. I want something new, something different, something scandal free, potential drama free something that just feels right and this shit, this shit right here ain't it. Okay it is to a point but not what I am looking for. I can't explain what it is I am looking for, I think its more of a feeling. I have this feeling when I initially meet people and then it goes away (thus I loose interest in them). So I am looking for that feeling, I think that Aaron has the potential if he doesn't feed into my abandonment issues and I open up and be completely honest with him. Then again maybe not cause we are so damn far apart and I am not sure what he wants from me. Question- why would a guy tell you he had a crush on you in college (like 8 years ago, ask you about yourself and then suggest you all go you for dinner and a movie when he comes to town?) You can say it I read to much in to such, and yes I do. I will analyze something to death. So this is why I will probably be by myself. So back to Mr. PaPa. Its crazy, I can't commit to him cause i have commitment issues and he can commit to me cause he is already committed. And they are so damn happy, she just fucking lights up when he is in the room. (intelligence reports are a bitch) and then i think she lives in the same city as me. Ugh, yeah this is to much for me. Be my luck I run in to them all lovey dovey....talk about stab me in the heart and turn. So I am done....and if it takes lunch, dinner, drinks to actually say it and mean it to him then so be it. I am cleaning house around here bitches....

speaking of which, you know what time it is.......Delete motherfuckers time........so i will talk to you later.

oh yeah

2008-06-13T14:44:00.001-07:00

I hate grown ass babified men.....you know the men who can't do nothing for themselves, they mamma always running to do for them. UGH!!!! bitchassness at its worse.

This sucks!!!!!!!!

2008-06-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

Okay I am the last (insert job title here) in the office, why because I traded duty with somebody. I have about an hour left and I am sleepy as hell. So I guess I will tell you guys about last night. So I did go to the hip hop thing, it was nice. I think however, I have to be in a certain mind frame for it though. It did remind me a lot of a few college parties I went to but whatever. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a minute. Okay my observations:

1. I have realized that I am a private person. I like scandal but I hate drama. What does that mean. Okay I told you all about this girl I ran into at the jazz place on Wednesday, well I met her and her sister and her cousin at the hip hop night. Well there were some fine men there and a group in particular we were around. Now they were OBVIOUSLY flirting with these guys and I was just chillin in the cut drinking my beers (slowly getting drunk). At some point they started showing tattoos and naked pictures of themselves. All I could do was shake my head. Now let me say this. I have dated guys who strip, never while they were current strippers. I just have a problem (a) with sharing (b) with everyone knowing what I got and (c) I don't think my insecurities could handle a man who's job was to excite women (not just me) but every damn women he came into contact with. I personally like low profile brothers (add this to the list) Low Profile Brothers.

2. When I drink I get horny. Yeah I know I should know this about myself by now. Which would explain some of my bad decisions. So last night I feel like I am getting a little buzzed so I am like I need to get home before I can't drive. So I leave and by the time I got up my stairs I was in face numbing zone. The beer was sneaking up on me and I made it home just in time. So my intention was to come home and finish up my "daily reading" and then go to bed, maybe get things out for work but that would be pushing it. So I get on the comp. return a few emails and then it hits me. I NEED TO CAL (mr. looks good in black and brown) (I think that's the name I gave him earlier). Because of course I see him there. Well I knew he was still there so I shot him a text, saying "It was good seeing". Now mind you I we didn't really talk, we spoke and made eye contact a couple of times, he occasionally would bump into me, but it was just like I liked it no obvious connection or interaction. Well I think by the time I put my phone down, I was smooth passed out. Of course when I wake up this morning I have a response from him asking was I going to sleep. So I had to send him a text back saying sorry I pasted smooth out last night. I sure as hell hope he doesn't call me this weekend, cause I am so not gonna want to be bother. My windows are open for a short period of time and once it closes its closed. You just have to wait for the next come around.

3. I need to just say it...So we are standing around with these guys and one of them tries to holla at me. Okay I very rarely give my info out to people, cause you never know who you are dealing with, and to I really don't got out to meet men. I really would like to just meet one in the grocery store or some where else other than a club, but that's just my crazy. Well this dude catches my attention and says some like you are so gorgeous and I say thank you. Then he says can I have your number, my response was I am seeing someone (LIE). Now why did I lie to this man. Okay he was massive (like I like them) but he couldn't talk. I can't remember but oh yeah he could say mediocrity and he keep saying it wrong over and over and over again. He was trying to convenience me that I shouldn't settle for mediocrity (because I said my man is good to me) when I could have him, who would be great to me. (I was just waiting for him to say drop that zero and get with this hero). Then he proceeded to tell me that he was a coach and he travels a lot. (ugh this is were he put the nail in the coffin) then he says i have rings that other men don't have (huh...is he talking about a wedding ring, I hope this Bamma is talking about like championship rings, because if he is buying himself fucking rings WE HAVE A PROBLEM (that is gay)). Here is the sinker he says "you gonna wish you would have given me your number, cause you are gonna see me on TV and say he tried to holla at me." SERIOUSLY, I hate it I mean I HATE IT when fellas try to make you a gold digger. I have been approached by many different types of me who I have rejected there advances, I do occasionally wish I would have responded differently, but I know at the time I had my reasons. Now this fool thinks cause I see him on TV I am gonna wish I had. Ugh NOT!!!! cause apparently with a statement like that he is so not ready for me. And didn't I say the beer was slowly creeping up on me, so shit I probably want even remember his damn face, actually I don't.

So what do I have in store this weekend...for one i see a nap in my immediate future, cleaning up sometime after that, watching 2 random movies I have at the house, going to sorority meeting, going to church and going to belly dancing. After such an eventful weekend then back to work and a week of only God knows. I have decided that I am gonna limit my activities (late night especially) to 1 a night (Sunday - Thursday). cause your girl is tired and I got to get my rhythm.

1st Step to Complete Independence

2008-06-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

A couple of things...

Okay I did it last night, I got dressed, got in my car, went to the door, paid my money to get in, walked down a long corridor, turned right, ended up in front of a stage (with drummer and congo man) walked around to the bar and saw 2 people I knew and met a host of others. I have always said when I get to the point where I can go out by myself I will be truly independent. And last night was the first step, I actually got invited to a hip hop night (like back in college (i hope)), so I may be venturing out again. I will however limit my going out (Sunday-Thursday) to one day cause I was struggling today at work. This only means I really need to get on a schedule and not waste time at work and at home and get adequate sleep during the week and not wait for the weekend. Just like I don't like doing chores on the weekend I need to get the same way about sleep.

I talked to my best friend today. I hope I didn't make her feel bad. I kept telling her how jealous and how much I hated her cause she was in Egypt. I really didn't mean it, I am truly happy for her and hopes she has the best time, plus work of course. She started to apologize for 'bragging' and I told her I was really happy for her and I meant it.

I spoke with Aaron today (I know, I know) I will say I do fancy him. That is so Reba McIntyre (never mind if you aren't into country). He asked me today what if I have the best time of my life when we go out. I told him I would definitely have to leave him alone. So this is my thought provoking thought for the evening, we all have insecurities, whats yours?

Okay not sure if many of you have seen Sex in the City the Movie but Charlotte says something in the movie to the effect "my life is so great I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop" (go see the movie and you will get a better understanding of the statement and the exact quote). I think one of my insecurities (and the only reason I have recognized it, is because I think my father suffers from it as well). I am afraid to be completely happy. I think as long as I have a piece of the puzzle (that is my life's happiness) missing I will actually always fell complete. crazy I know. I guess as long as something is going wrong I feel like things are going right.
I was talking to a friend (my traveling buddy) because we are so much alike so when I stuff she makes it make since. So I was telling her that I don't think I could be someones wife and/or mother. she said actually we can but we just say that. and I think its true. For me right now I am truly bless, I have a job that I enjoy, I have loving family, I have education, I have shelter, I have God, I am Blessed beyond measure. I however don't have anyone to share my blessings with. Like for example, I say how am jealous of my friend for being in Egypt, truth be told even if I were to go, I would have anyone to share it with other than friends and family. Now don't get me wrong that is always good but its not the same.
I have accomplished many things in my life and my friends and family have been there, but I can't think of the last time I had someone special to share, you know share with. Actually as I think back I think the last time that happened was two times (my 21st birthday and when I received an award for my leadership and diversity skills in college), my mom came down, actually she and my boyfriend got together and surprised me, cause I didn't know I was even getting the award. Dick Gregory presented to me and we plus my roommate went out to eat. And for my 21st birthday (which is big shit) this same boyfriend was there with me at midnight, okay blah blah blah you get the point.
I really think that's how its suppose to be, I mean I think people can have it all but I am truly afraid what if I do get it all. I am will be so susceptible to loosing so much.
So when Aaron said what if you had the best time of your life I thinking "RUN FREESPEECH RUN!!!"

Okay I am gonna eat and try to wrap up my daily reading (ie police reports), and get ready to go to Hip Hop night. I mean I did give my word to like 3 people that I would be there.

Today was a pretty good day.....

2008-06-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

I love my gynecologist....yeah I know to much information. But those that don't know I am somewhat neurotic and I need to have a good relationship with my health care providers. So far I love my dentist, I love my opthamologist and now i love my gynecologist. I will say I did fall asleep in waiting room. They were playing Regina Belle, there was no crying kids or anything like that it was truly peaceful and I didn't sleep the entire night, I woke up at like 4 am. Well anyway I have learned that its important to love your doctors and I am working on being a better consumer. My doctors back home work good and I liked them, but I didn't ask questions, I didn't really talk to them but learned I was doing myself a disservice so now its on. I should get the results of my test in like 3 weeks.

I even talked to her about getting a breast reduction. For those that don't know I so want to get the girls reduced. If I thought they would let me I would be a good A cup, but hey just to be able to buy my bras out of Victoria's Secret would be good. Well she told me that if I want to breast feed, which I do I needed to wait. So then I asked her if I get my reduction, can they grow back, she said yes if I were to become pregnant, it is possible that they could grow back. OH HELL NAW. So I have decided to wait until maybe 35 and just shut the warehouse down and get the girls reduced then. As I say that, I am going back and forth about it but 39 is it cause I don't want to be having kids at 40.

Okay I know I talked about this earlier and why I wasn't blogging more regularly over the past month. But I have advanced to the next level to be an online professor. I am so excited. My next phase is to teach 2 classes with a mentor. If that goes well I will be invited to become part of the faculty. I was looking at my course and I think I may be able to handle this. I will be teaching Criminal Procedure and the info is voluminous but I think I can do it. I am now just waiting on payroll to contact so I can get my money straight and then I have to set up when I will start "teaching". Hopefully I can start the first week of August. I signed up for a 6-week Dialogue on Race program and I really want to do it and I don't know when I will be able to do it once I start teaching.

Today, I spoke with Aaron. I was at my desk trying to get to Dr. office and he popped on my screen. So I told him I was headed out and asked if I could call him instead. So we talked a bit about his day and he was telling me that he was trying to get things straight with the airlines for his flight(s) back to the states and then NOLA. He was saying how ridiculous the prices were and what night. I will say and this does and doesn't happen often, I look forward to chatting with him. Nothing major, cause we all know I am so the hare in relationships and not the tortoise. So we will see how long he keeps me interested? That's the true challenge.

We were talking and he called me selfish, cause I didn't tell my best friend he said hello. I mean she is my best friend and not his. Why would I tell her that? Okay so I am a little selfish, but we are just friends, why do I have to share my friends with him? So not fair. Okay this is the kinda ish that makes me lose interest---sharing and shit. Next he is gonna want me to play nice with others, speaking of which he tells that if I am gonna be making flip comments to him, I better be prepared to get flip responses from him. WTF???? Ugh, we don't need to be bringing affirmative action in to this. I do what I want and you do what I like. You can't do what I do? Alright, sharing, playing nice, this shit is getting ridiculous.

Okay I am up, just had a nap, it wasn't all that good though. My plan is to clean up, do a little work, get dressed and head out. Yes sir, yes mam, I am gonna go out by myself. A true step towards my complete independence. I am going to see a live band. So I hope I don't chicken out.

If not I will tell you guys all about it.

I'm so jealous

2008-06-10T13:36:00.001-07:00

I have a best friend and I swore she is the luckiest bitch in the world. Today I send her a random email asking if she the husband and kid were coming here for Father's Day, she emails me back and says no she wasn't but husband and child were, that she had just landed in Cairo (yes you read it right, Cairo as in Egypt (not Egypt Texas)) but Egypt, like the mother land, pyramids, sphinx and shit......I say she is lucky because I swore she never does any work. I tell her she is like Tommy off of Martin, she says she has a job but I wonder all she does is travel. Before she got this job she had that allowed her to work from home, she would travel. I know she has been to Brazil, Russia, Italy, Ireland, India, Barbados, and the Cayman Islands (yeah all in the name of work). So she says. Okay I am know longer jealous, I am actually happy for her, I just live vicariously through, hell I don't even have a passport. Okay on to other things.

Today I had to apologize to some of my co-workers. Let me first say I don't have a problem working, but I do have a problem being the only person working and yesterday I was DONE!!! I just left work 2 hours early and went home and ate (hence the extra weight) and took a nap. Is it wrong to apologize but not want to hear the other person's response. Today while I was apologizing to the receptionist she started talking to me about the situation.....I wanted to say Damnnit I just apologize can't you just accept it and move on, but no she kept running her mouth, it almost made me want to take back my apology.

I think I may have a date 4th July weekend. I was online today and Aaron, IM'd me, to say he would be in the country in July and asked what I was doing. Honestly, I was gonna go see the family Thursday after work and come back either Saturday or Sunday. My dilemma was that I have my 2nd to last class for belly dancing that Sunday at noon and in order to make it I would have to leave my mom around 6 or 7 in the morning. If I did that I would miss church both here and with my family. I could leave Saturday, but then I wouldn't get to spend all of Saturday with my mom. If I went to church with my mom I would miss my class and get here late for my 'date' and that would put Aaron going back to NOLA late. So I think I may just come home Saturday night go to church and dance class and have an early 'date'. I tripping cause I can't remember the last 'date' I had?????

Well this week I am gonna work on my independence....I know you are thinking I thought you were wholly independent already...and yes/no. I have one thing that I just haven't been able to do and that's go out by myself. So I have 3 events this week. That will allow me to make the complete independent move....I will post about them later and hopefully I can say I have done them. Wish me luck!!!

I think that is enough for today.....

Today I laughed outloud

2008-06-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

I think I have written before about the stuff that comes across my desk. Today I laughed out loud. The report read as follows: Officers responded to an anonymous complaint of a person on the bus stop bench. Dispacth advised that the person may be be dead. The defendant had numerous layers of clothing on, a wig, a ski cap and gloves on. He was sleeping on the bus stop bench. Something just came over me when I read that. Oh I forgot to tell you he had a bottle of Thunderbird and it was May.....

Okay I am back...

2008-06-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

I just completed my last entry on Friday for my online professor training. So now I will have to wait and see how I did. It was 4 weeks long and the past 3 weeks I have had favorable reviews, now I will say this last week was a Beast. So I hope its an overall assessment and my last exercise doesn't flush everything I have done down the toliet.

So what's been happening... (let's work back)

This weekend was perfect. The lazy azz in me could not have planned a better weekend. Today I got up and went to church, I actually stayed after and fellowshiped. I have decided Iam gonna go to Vacation Bible School and slowly move towards getting involved. I think this new found intererst was sparked by a conversation I had with an ole' classmate from college. I will get to that later. After church, I was a big girl and didn't take a nap, I did somethings around my house, mainly change clothes, eat, and sweep. So then it was off to bellydancing. Okay let me say this, I think I have an inner dancer that is just waiting to get out, but because I live a life of indifference and fear of failing I don't bother. I can remember being in Jr. High school and all the girls in 7th grade talked about all these dance lessons they were taking, Tap, Jazz, Ballet, Hip-Hop, Modern and how they were looking forward to trying out for cheerleading and dance team. I never even thought about these things, I did have friends at the rival jr. high school who had made cheerleading and I was practice in the yard with them, nothing serious though. I would just be there pretty much for a good laugh (I mean they laughing at me). So anyway we all try out that year and NOT AN EIGHTH Grader made it that year. So we all tried out for dance team and made it. Well anyway I was on the dance team and had never really dance in my life, but the routines were rather easy. hell when you don' t know what you're doing its all easy. I had never heard of Pas de bourrée, yet alone done it but when some body said "back-side-front" I had it. Well I made the "drill team" and it was on I started hanging out with a different group of people who exposed me to new and different things and one of those things were dance class. Yes I was the only black person, unless you count the hip-hop dance instructor with the purple contacts AJ. My mom enrolled me in Tap, Jazz, Ballet, Modern and Hip-Hop. I will say I was dancing with people who had been doing this since like 3 and I am was maybe 12 or 13. Well I got in and for some reason I started picking up things, shuffle step ball chain, leaps turns whatever, it was even to the point the owners told my mom I was a natural. Now I have to say though I had the moves I didn't have the technique. I also saw what "true" dancers were like and I just wasn't that serious about it. Okay I digress, I was talking about my bellydancing class. I went to my first class and it was fun, it was an hour and the time went by super fast. I even worked up a sweat, I have 5 more weeks of it and I am looking forward to that. So after bellydancing I came home and took a little nap, got up showered and went to a debutante tea. Now I never was a deb so I am not sure how this all works, but it was cool. I came home watch a movie and now I am here.

Saturday....was wonderful. I woke up around 11 am and played around on the computer. I did call a friend and tell her congrats on her new baby boy and said that I may come see her, but I didn't may do it this week she will be home. Now as I was on the Internet I get a message from an old classmate from college. This is his backstory....Aaron (not his real name) was one of the first people I met when I got to college, we were in a program together, I actually quit the program for some reason. Well anyway I met Aaron in the program the first week before classes started. He was from New Orleans and I thought his accent was cute, not to mention I found him attractive (but I had a boyfriend so it didn't matter). So some how discussion came up about this block party they were having across campus and he asked me if I were going. I don't remember my response, but some how I ended up going. I met some of his friends were from New Orleans and they gave me a hard time about being from Arkansas. College was a culture shock, I had not been at a school with some many people that looked like me. So we go to this block party and they are playing alot of local music, which was foreign to me. Well this one song came on by MC Nero "gota lotta respect" and he and his boys went crazy. Where I came from guys didn't really dance, but Aaron got down (that sounds so old), I just remember standing there in amazment. Well once classes got started we went our seperate ways. I think I did however end up being partners in a class with him, he came over to my dorm room (I think I was seeing somebody then) so we could work on a project. I remeber saying as we were working on this project, ugh you may want to find another partner, cause I am dropping this class. I remeber him trying to conveince me not to but it didn't happen. . Well anyway we graduated and NOTHING...until yesterday. I get an IM from him asking me whats up and we make small talk, he tells me he is in another country but lives in Maryland and then he tells me that he had a crush on me in college. I am like WOW. He then tells me how I got high society and seem to relish in the college life. I then questions me about a guy I dated and a guy I occupied time with while in college. When I tell you we talked the entire day we talked the entire day. We talked about everything. Well one of the things we talked about is my indifference to alot of things. IT WAS GREAT!!! Catching up and what not. Not sure if we will even talk again but it was great to just talk to someone about randomness. He did say one thing that will stick with me he said I had a "dynamic personality". Now I have been called alot of things crazy, wild, unpredictable, bitch, mean, insensitive, but this for some reason stuck with me.

Friday was okay. I went to work and left early. I did have an interesting trial. I had a woman accused of beating her boyfriend with a fan belt. Well she got on the stand and admited having had something to drink and not sleeping prior to coming to court. That was after should told me about her drinking and mixing prescription drug. So after that I went back to my office (oh she was found guilty of battery and disturbing the peace by intoxication) did a little work and went home and finished up my online training and went to sleep. I got up and washed clothes and caught up on Hereos until like 4:30 a.m.

I finally got to see the lost episode of the bondocks..it was great.
Okay, I guess I will go to bed now. I will have more catching up to do.

The last thing your kid needs.....

2008-05-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

I will try to keep this brief....I have several friends with kids and they send me invites for the birthday which i really don't have a problem with. But I have decided (though i have been guilty of it) is the last thing you kid needs is clothes or some toys. Like I said I have been guilty of it but i try to if i buy toys to buys toys that are educational, but that to is out of the question....I am giving savings bonds. I just sent my first savings bond on the year. So check out Treasury Direct.gov and sign up and alert your friends and family that the last thing Asa (my imaginary child, though if my husband--who to is imaginary, let me i will name our first born) needs is a damn toy or clothes but an investment in there future.

I want my kids (if God sees fit) and my friends kids to be better financially than we were so make investment, true investments in there future (Ed Hardy jeans, jordans are not investments).

There is a reason

2008-05-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

I just wanted everyone to know there is a reason I haven't been posting....I am in my first week of online traing to be an online professor and between this and my job and my bestfriend being in time I can't blog like I use to. I have another week of this, then a week off and then 2 weeks agai. I will try to post tidbits but can promise anything lenghty.

Okay this is hard work......

2008-05-13T12:54:00.000-07:00

I think I mentioned that I was considering online teaching......well today is my first day of training and I think this ish is going to be hard....or at least challenging cause i have some thing to do everyday..... and i am such a neurotic that i keep thinking that i have forgotten something and i need to do this or that or whatever....i feel like i am in school all over again.

Umm.....lets see!!!

2008-05-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

Not much has been happening for me just chillin. I am debating wither i am going home to the port city this weekend or next. i thinking i will go this weekend so for Memorial Day I can just be SUPER LAZY. My weekend was pretty uneventful.... Friday my mom left to go back to the port city, she seems to be doing well without me though i did get a little sad when she left but i was strong, i was a big girl, so all i did after they left was get in the bed and have a beautiful nap. Saturday i went to sorority meeting which wasn't all that bad this time around, we elected new officers so this should make for an interesting 2 years not that i know the people really. and Sunday i went to church....Why do people wish non-mothers Happy mother's day?

I do have a confession...On Sunday the Pastor preached about "potential" the potential that we have and God's plan for us....I truly believed there is "something" for me not sure what it is and not really sure how to prepare for if i can....i do however fear whatever it is. not like i am afraid of it but like..... I do believe to whom much is given much is expected, so i think i am afraid of the responsibility that will come with it....lately more than lately like the past8 years I have been dreading the thought of responsibility and commitment. i don't want to be responsible for anything other than me and commit to anyone or anything other than me and maybe my family (and that's limited). I think i am afraid of disappointing people.....not sure what that is about but now that i have identified it i will work on it..... will try to write more later...

Wide leg trousers versus skinny jeans.....

2008-05-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

Okay let me say I am a fan of wide leg trousers for myself cause skinny jeans on my ain't nothing but denim tights and i got to much body for denim tights...... but actually i am not speaking for myself I am speaking of men.....My friend and i were talking yesterday and she was telling me that she hates to see men in wide leg pants, at first i thought she meant like boot cut jeans but she didn't she meant like wide leg trousers that women wear....I wasn't sure what my position was on wide leg trousers for me so I decided as i was celebrating Cinco de Mayo that I would see such individuals. Well I didn't but what i did see was even worse grown men in skinny jeans WTF!! okay a few post ago i told you all that i like massive men so the site of a man in some skinny jeans just turned my stomach. So while out festivaling i text my friend and tell her about my discover with the skinny jeans and she says she actually likes them. WTF!!! Ugh I guess we are gonna have to agree to disagree on this one because i think i may be a fan of men in wide leg trousers cause it leads me to believe that they may have huge legs underneath and everyone knows i am a sucker for large legs, especially calves.

I did have fun yesterday for cinco de mayo, i met up with a classmate from college and we had a blast. i am ashamed to report that we had 32oz. buckets (yes buckets) of margaritas and i couldn't finish it and fell okay driving....i had to pour it out after i added ice to it to water it down. and once i got home i felt so guilty and hypocritical about drinking and driving. but thank GOD i got home safely and my friend did too.

the ish that comes across my desk...

2008-05-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

I was stationed near the Easter Bunny Photo Stage when I observed approximately three males engages in a fistic encounter. What the hell what grown ass men are fighting in the mall near the Easter Bunny........

Black Panthers, Girlfriends, Genocide (or acts of Genocide), Lumumba and Mint Julips

2008-05-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

Ugh yeah that was pretty much my weekend......For those that don't know I love movies and i love history..... SO lets start with the easy...Girlfriends... I have now finished season 1 and 2 of the TV show girlfriends it was pretty good, its a shame i didn't watch the show faithfully while it was on air.

BLACK PANTHERS

I must say I am fascinated by the Black Panther Party for Self-Defense. Not because i am a revolutionary but I am a quasi-anthropologist. I love to learn more about people and different things in addition to being a history dork. A couple of things i found interesting that 2 major figures in the Black panther party have roots in Louisiana, Huey P. Newton (who was named after Huey P. Long) and Fred Hampton (Deputy Chairman of the Illinois party). I also found it interesting that Bobby Rush (Deputy Minister of Defense for the Black Panther Party in Illinois) is now the representative in the U.S. House of Representatives. The movie(s) I watched was the Murder of Fred Hampton and some news reels from the Oakland BPP with interviews of Newton and Cleaver.

Genocide- i am sorry i mean acts of genocide

i watched sometimes in April with was an HBO movie about the Rwanda and the genocide, I sorry acts of Genocide in 1994. Why do i say say genocide, acts of genocide. because in 100 days nearly 800,000 people were killed because of there "ethic" background or there support of a particular "ethnic" background but the UN refused to use the work genocide because if that word was used they would have to intervene and offer aid. So 100 days pasted and bureaucrats argue over a word and who to send the bill to and it was a the people themselves that saved themselves. But I am no scholar just my assessment after watching a few movies on the subject.

LUMUMBA

yeah random i know but i am gonna try to bring it full circle. Lumumba was the first prime minister of the Congo (Zaire as it was later named) but returned to Congo Republic after Mobutu was overthrown. Who was assassinated.

After watching both of these movies i began to wonder with both of these country being so close together i bet they have something in common. So i watched extra features and did a little research on the Internet just to pacify my curiosity. What I found was that both countries were once colonies of Belgium and after the Congo "declared" independence in t 1960's they elected Lumumba Prime minister and he was later assassinated at the hands of Mobutu who lead the country for over 30 years was overthrown with the help of the Tutsis, which was the group of people in Rwanda that were victims of the genocide who ended the 100 days of killing in Rwanda. Well I JUST LOVE HISTORY!!!!

MINT JULIPS

Okay I went to my first derby day party and it was a great experience though it ended on a sad note the first Philly in like 9 years to run in the Kentucky Derby and she came in second place only to have broken her front ankles and be euthanized on the track. I the winner was Big Brown but to me that wasn't the real story since the trainer had talked so much smack it his

horses ability and it didn't help that the horse came from the 20 post to win. I must say i have never watch horse racing on TV, especially the Derby those horses are moving. I have been to the track cause that's one of my father's favorite places. In addition to big hats and mint Juleps are the staple drink and i can now say i have had one. I think i am creating a list of things i want to do before turning 40 and i believe the Kentucky Derby is something i want to do, yes i will wear the big hat and all. I was talking with a friend and i hear the "boxes" aren't all that expensive especially if we split it and make it like a girls weekend.

Just something to think about I know this has been a random blog, its just been random thoughts about my weekend and all that happened. I did go to church but didn't stay after to meet with the pastor but i enjoyed church no the less. i don't think i am gonna make the new member orientation this Tuesday i have a reception to go to and i may be a little late.

I will keep you posted on the latest developments. I meeting a girl i went to college with for drinks for Cinco De Mayo, so this should be interesting.

a little overwhelmed...

2008-05-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

Man I am tired as hell and my weekend doesn't seem to offer any relief.... Tonight I am going a jewelry/fun party that one of my classmates is hosting then tomorrow i have been invited to a derby day party and a gala and Sunday is church....speaking of church let me vent some about my church experience yesterday.

I have been visiting the same church since I moved back to the Capitol City. Which has been about 2 months now. I go to bible study on Tuesday and church on Sunday (depending on the day i may got to the 5 o'clock service as well). Now I have been in church all my life, I know Jesus as my personal Saviour, I believed that he was born of a virgin, walked the earth teaching and preach, was crucified and resurrected. I also know the "business" of the church and how church people can be. I have been that overly active/passionate person and i know how church people can hurt your feelings and steal your passion and joy. So with that being said, yesterday I decided i was going to join this church. I knew I wasn't gonna do it when the "open the doors of the church" I just wanted to stop by let them know i wanted to be a member give them my contact info and be done. yes i know this is a very nontraditional approach but hey I figure i am old enough to determine how I am going to experience church and I want strictly teaching and preaching and i will contributed when i can. i ain't joining no ministry, i ain't joining no committee, i ain't coming to no meeting, i ain't volunteering for nothing. I just want to work on me, i want to be taught the word of God and i want to learn with treasures the bible holds....that's it. Now with that being said if you need something call me if i can do i will if i can't i will tell you. but i ain't coming to a meeting for you to discuss who is gonna bring what and do XYZ, just call me and say Sister Freespeech we need 3 cases of water for the kids lock-in on Friday and my response will be I can't help you this time or I will drop off 1-3 cases Friday during my lunch break, BUT a whole meeting to discuss who bring what and doing what I WILL PASS.
Well anyway I decide to stop by the church (unannounced) to see if i can join church. When i get there the church secretary (I guess that's who she was) comes to the door. I say "Can I join church?" She says you don't want to do it on Sunday? my soliloquy- now if i was in need of true salvation, i didn't know the Lord and be out in the street running a muck, do you really want to turn me away and suggest i come back on SUNDAY????I think not. So I shake my head no and she says have you ever attended the church. now most people would have been offended by this statement but i wasn't cause i keep to myself i slide in and i slide out. church starts at 8 a.m. and i am usually home and out of my clothes in my bed and on my way to deep comma like state by 10 am. I am usually on e of the first people to leave the parking lot on Sunday. I respond yes I have been visiting since i moved back here in March. Then she says well I am not sure if you can do that do you have minute to wait, cause the Pastor has someone in his office. I say sure I have time. So i wait and then she comes back and hands me a new member's form to fill out (okay now we are getting somewhere) and then she says you may have to meet with a Deacon...I am looking real crazy and thinking WHY???? so then she tells me that i have to attend new member orientation...once again i am looking crazy and thinking WHY??? So i ask her how long the classes are she says it four sessions and she comes back with the booklet, i then ask her is it like New Christian class or New member. She says new member so that you can become familiar with the church and what we do..now i am thinking hell if you'll are doing anything unGodly or against the Bible you need to tell me now, i have been here for the past two months and everything seems to be on the up and up, i mean what if i attend this class if you guys are doing something i don' t like can i change my mind? then she says the classes are about 10 mins after Sunday service (so here she goes trying to get me to stay after church) so i give her the crazy look again and she says well or you can come on Tuesday at 6 before bible study, so i am thinking now if its 4 classes in 10 minutes i think i can kill this in one class and cover all 4 sessions in an hour. So then she says have you ever been to Bible Study i tell her yes...now at some point she asks me my name and says that name sounds familiar probably cause i just paid my tithes and my check has my port city addy, she then as me if i know some people in the port city i tell her yes and so i wait. Okay in addition to being unfriendly and anti-social i am impatient. But because I just showed up i knew i wouldn't be seen right away but 45 mins later i couldn't take it (i was trying to give it an hour but i couldn't do it cause in my mind i just wanted my name on the "church roll" and be done with it. I didn't have to introduce myself to the Pastor (cause you know i have been avoiding him for the past two months) this was to be effortless, a little paperwork, a hand shake and I'm out. so I tell the secretary that i am leaving and that i can come back another day, she response you can just catch him after church and you can meet with him and a deacon, my response was what are we gonna do pray or something. her response was why are you so uptight, I told her that i am one of the first people of the parking lot, i am back home and in bed by 10 am......Seriously, why is the woman trying to get me to stay after church, not only that and wait on the pastor, that means after he shakes hands, kiss babies and fellowship with the congregation----UGH!!! NO!! I just tell her that I will come back another time. So she takes my number and i leave. Now you'll know I am through, Tuesday i am gonna go to new member orientation and see what this is about let the lady know i am here, i ain't joining nothing i just want to come to Sunday service and bible study and i have set a goal to attend 7 a.m Sunday School (that's gonna hurt) but the up side is that I will have a parking spot if i can do that.

In love with my situation

2008-04-30T09:42:00.001-07:00

I have an all-star cast of friends...I believe that friends and significant other are a reflection and extension of you and vice versus....I have a friend that I have known since the 5th grade. We are so much alike and one day we were having a conversation and I was asking her about her "new" friend. and she says to me I think he is in love with my situation not me....so lets ponder that...what she meant was she was a single black woman, no kids, i great job, an advance degree and wholly independent. And this guy was attracted to the fact that she has/is handling her business, but the same things that he found attracted also intimidated/scared him.

Today my line sister S23 wrote a post bout Permanent scars and it got me to thinking. I feel somewhat like S23 in that i refuse to be dependent on anyone. My last relationship my ex said the strangest thing to me, i was talking about a friend of mines that was needy and how I hope i didn't come off needy and he was like just the opposite, you never ask me for anything, which was true. He then goes on to say you are the kind of person if we just up and moved to south Dakota (yeah South Dakota) and while living there we broke up I wouldn't worry about you making it there on your own. (things that make you go hum...). I think the reason I have control issues, fear being weak and dependant is because of my paternals. My mom is SUPER INDEPENDENT she was the one who taught me how to check my oil (not that i do, hell that's what Firestone is for), i saw here make it work after my dad left. She made me clean, wash clothes, cut grass, fix shit. She taught me the difference between a flat head and a Philip screwdriver. Hell when I first moved to the Capitol city she bought me a car kit with jumper cables and what not and a tool box (only thing it didn't have was a hammer--cause you know i like to break shit). She taught me how to change a flat. so anyway my position on men was anything i need from a man i can buy, borrow or do it myself--- i have gone through life thinking that, but shit a girl gets tired. Being independent is hard work.

I think what changed my perspective was this guy I met...I met him in "graduate" school, my last year. When i met him i thought he was full of shit, i didn't feel like i could trust him and pretty much everything he was saying was a lie. Now mind you i had good reason to believe that but that is neither here nor there. Well after he graduated (he was a year behind me), we reconnected. We talked a little and then we feel off and then a couple months later after a fail relationship (yeah Mr. South Dakota) we reconnected. Well he made the check list---physical, emotional, intellectual and well the jury was still out about availability. Well he was perfect minus the question of availability, but initially I could not open up to him and give him a chance. Then one day he "got" me, it was like he completely understood what i needed. His position was I respect what you do during the day "saving the world and what not" but when you are around me I just want you to do you and let me do me" translation relax and let me worry about you. WTF!!! you mean release control and be at your will, nigga is you crazy---yes he was and I tried it and i liked it. I am no feminist nor am i at the opposite end....but the thought of not worrying about shit and being around someone I trusted, who i knew had the abilities to handle business as i would felt good. Though that situation didn't work out (cause i later learned he wasn't available) I know what I want. I want someone who CAN take care of me. He doesn't have to jump in and be bossy and authoritative, but he has to be strong and confident enough to let me be me and large enough to be him with me. I am not sure if that makes any sense. What I want (add it to the list) is a man who would be okay if I ruled the world but knows when i got home he was king and i was his queen and its his job to take care of me. No i am not talking gold digger talk I am saying that he give me what I need at home to handle the things i encounter outside the home (and yes I know that I have to provide the same support for him).

S23 mentioned about being a stay at home mom. I use to think that shit was for the birds, until one of my friends that I somewhat admire got married, got pregnant, had her kid and quit her job. Now my friend has a college degree from a prestigious school. We talk about 5 days a week and wow do i admire her. In the back of my head i am wondering if she has a plan B, but I see so many benefits to it. She does so much she manages her husband, the kids, the house, the social calender she does a lot. When i thought of housewives i thought of Peg Bundie from the show married with children. But when i hear about all the things she does with her girls i am like wow. I think the plan is once the youngest get in school she is going to go and get her masters and what not. I have so much respect for housewives and I wonder some days if i get married will I be able to do what i want to do.

I have a friend who is a mom, wife and corporate woman and i listen to her and how she had to cut back on her traveling how she has to cut back on her hours and I wonder can you give 150% to work AND 150% to my family?

So i guess in the mean damn time i will just do me until someone comes alone and requires me to make modification to my approach to life, meaning i have to consider others in my daily plans.

12 hours of sleep

2008-04-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Man I haven't done that since like high school....everyone has there thing. some people like shopping, some people like reading, some like cooking my thing is sleeping. I truly enjoy it and loath anyone who comes between it on a continous basis. When i was in high school i functioned on 10 hours of sleep..no discussion and if i went to many days in a row with out my 10 hours there was hell to pay. in college i was the queen of naps and power naps if i had a hour of free time trust me i was naping. even my college boyfriend new about me and naps i told him this was bonding. We both worked on campus and would be done about 5 he would come over to my place and he would watch the news while holding me and i would be good and sleep. Around 7 we would eat and do homework and what not and go to bed and start our day over again. in graduate school for lunch i would go home eat lunch and take a power nap. I use to me occupy time with this guy in grad school and he new the ropes we would talk a little and i would pass out and get up and study and do things i needed to do. He said i slept like a pregnant woman what ever. Well one summer I did get checked because there would be mornings i could not get out of bed i just couldn't move. My mother is severly anemic so I had some blood work done and lo and behold the reason i sleep so much is medical i have thalsemia trait, nothing serious but i do have to make sure i eat more green vegetables to insure my iron intake. Well any that is not what my blog to be about.

This weekend I went to Houston to visit my best friend from college. Her husbands fraternity were celebrating 25 years...and they were hosting the bbq. so i went and had a ball. so my blog is based on my observations of two my my good friends relationships.

this week and last week.

LAST WEEK- i was hijacked (not kidnapped but hijacked)- my friend among my friends she is our role model, she is just "perfect" we so want to be like her when we grow up. She was the first of my friends to get married and so i some what saw this relationship develop. Well anyway her husband and I are in the same profession and the local black professionals were having a gala, which she invited me to and i told her i WAS NOT going. so i thought that was the end of our discussion. well she lives about an 1.5 away from me and she calls me and says my husband are i are on our way to the gala and we will pick you up at 8.WTF!!!! so i throw somethign together and i get picked up. Now i use to think that when people get married they lose themselves and become a shell of who they use to be. And i never wanted to lose my identity and what makes me me so marriage was not for me. Well watching them its like tag team (yes i use to be a WWF fan) it like magic. They work off each other, its like a well orcherstrated plan. so we get there and of course we are late and we get to our table. the husband grabs up drinks and after he brings up drinks we "break" he goes and visits the people he knows and she mingles wiht the other wives and people she knows. he would occasionally come and check on us but not in a hovering or sufficating manner. but htey are both working the room. so as the people leave and the night comes to an end they reconverge he with a man and she with his wife and believe it or not they have worked the entire room. so they had some goals (which i want disscuss) and as we are back in the limo they 'debrief' and have accomplished what they set out to do.

THIS WEEK
I went to visit my best friend. I have known this girl since my freshman year in college and when i say we have been through alot i mean ALOT. I remember when she first saw her husband and i remember there first date all of it so to see them tag team was like poetry. My best friend is the hostest with the mostest anyway but with her husband in tow they are AMAZING. now prior to the Bbq she planned it to the T. and issued out assignments for some reason the kid even fell into place. so he is on the grill she's in the house and they are wowing the guest. At the end of the party everyone is happy, drunk and full. and they have just pulled off another great event......TAG TEAM BACK AGAIN

okay i know you are like FREESPEECH 22 wtf...i am believing that you can be you 100% and your mate and be them at 100% and it all works well together. that's what i want someone who completes me and i complete them (J.maquire)

okay i am hungry i am going to lunch now.

make it stop

2008-04-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

today was a busy day in court i was left by myself for a while and it seemed like everyone wanted a piece of me.....i just wanted to scream stop.....in addition to that i have taken on the challenge of teaching online so i have to get my paper(online)work done, i have to buy a new computer, i have to do this, and do that.....i just want to cry but if it wasn't hectic i would be complaining....I am going to Houston this weekend to hang out with my best friend and her family they are sponsoring a BBQ for his fraternity and they want everyone to wear paraphnaelia....so i have to go and represent in my Crimson and Cream...i have never driven to Houston so i hope its a good drive looking at about 5 hrs on the road so hopefully i can get out of court and off work in a timely fashion, i need to pack, clean, get a pedicure and buy a baby shower gift before i leave....oh the humanity.....

I LOVE IT!!!!

High as a kite on crazy glue

2008-04-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

yes you read that right. as i sit in my office trying to think about what organized chaos i could give you today i smell the familiar sents of crazy glue or some type of glue that has me feeling light headed....and now he has followed it with this loud ass machine that he calls a "router" I just don't believe this is OSHA compliant.

So I am back on my movie kick even though i have only watch one movie since Monday (the good shepard) I was left confused by this cinemia it was okay but i wanted more and i just didn't get. I started Surf's up (i have to stay current so i can keep up with my friends and there kids) but i got sleepy and i was gonna do Evan Almighty but it just didn't happened. Last nite i was feeling all nostoglic, you know how you start thinking about past beau and what could have been. But then i remembered they were ex's for a reason. I guess thats what i get for skipping church, but i was like a kids "talent show" and i just wasnt for it.

I may come back with more interesting things later but if not 3 days in a row.......yeah me.

do you all have any suggestions....

ain't nothing going on but the rent.....

2008-04-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

dude do you all remember that song....it had the line "you gotta have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me" well anyway not sure why that song is in my head. my day is going rather well no one has really pissed me off and I am gonna try and get some work done....I have set a daily goal for some things in the office that i need to try to complete and well needless to say i am moving super slow on them.

One of the things I wanted to do when i moved to the capitol city was figure out what i wanted in a man cause i haven't seriously dated anyone in a year and that was a long distant relationship and before that I at situation but nothing i could hang my hat on and say he was my boyfriend and i was his girlfriend. Well i realized that 4 thing must come into play: (1) i must be physically attracted to you; (2) I must be intellectually stimulated by you; (3) I must be emotionally connected to you and (4) you got to be available.

Physical
I have realized that i am attracted to massive men. when i say massive that can mean many things from tall like a basketball play wide like a middle linebacker whichever it is you have to be bigger than me and I am a fluffy girl so little men need not apply. I am also attracted to men with great calf muscles or huge arms. I am not really into pretty boys cause I think that is borderline gay for a man to spend more time and money than me on maintenance. You don't have to be a gym junkie cause I am not gonna ask of you what I may not be willing to do. what else let see i thinks that it for the physical just be massive and you get extra points for nice "guns" and/or calves.

Intellectual
I love a man that i can just listen to and learn from....I am a sponge when it comes to being exposed to something new and different. I love a man that is smart, not like Albert Einstein so damn smart he cant tie his shoe and not condescending smart where i just want to slap him in the mouth when ever he speaks cause that's just lame. Ex. When I was in college there was this upperclassman who I just loved to hear talk, it was almost therapeutic to hear him speak. He was so informative, he knew a little bit about everything. I think I may be attracted to older men just because they are "wiser". I am attracted to somebody who I can just lay on the couch with and just talk wither its about sports, politics, movies shit cooking and gardening it matters not and feel like you respect my opinion and want to share with me everything you know about this subject. Not to sound crazy (not that i can sound any crazier than i already have) but if I think i am smarter than you then i so turned off. no i am not a Mensa candidate but if you can't admit that you don't know or if you try to belittle me to feel better about yourself or sound like one of those jackass the news always seems to find to express the opinion of the people then you need not apply, i need someone who can stimulate not only my body but my mind as well. I have to think long term what are we gonna do 20 years from now if we cant talk?

Emotional
this is probably the hardest one to master,because I am such a guarded person, I don't let people get to really know me because i refuse to be in a position where i am weak. I have control issues and i know this and opening up and letting emotions dictate the day requires to much letting go and i just don't do that, cause that's how you get hurt. not many people get here because usually they say something really ignorant and i dismiss them on the spot.

Available
now i know some wonderful guys but for some reason they just aren't available to me. What do i mean. Either they want an "OPEN" relationship, don't want commitment, have someone.

now that I have said all of that I forgot the most important thing they must be patient......cause if they aren't it just not gonna work.

I read somewhere probably S23's blog about knowing what you want in a man and so far i have come up with 4 things.

(1) Someone who I find physically attractive----MASSIVE
(2) Someone who I find intellectually stimulating---TEACHER
(3) Someone who I am emotionally connected to-----PATIENT
(4) Someone who is----AVAILABLE

so to some it up i want a patient massive man who i can learn from and who is available. IS THAT ASKING TO MUCH???

oh and based on my last office visit someone who doesn't hit woman or is crazy (certifiable)

oh i forgot the best part

2008-04-21T09:00:00.001-07:00

after my father kicks me out of his hospital room he tells me to put his stuff out. So i take the day off from work and threw all of his shit out the house and some how it mysteraly got wet in the processs.....so now my father is back in San Diego with his silly hoe and my mother and i are just fine without him and all his damn drama and ghetto lifestyle

Let's see....

2008-04-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

I think the last time I blogged i was living in the port city and I just bought my new car. Well a lot has happen since December. (1) I have moved, (2) my father lost his mind and well I think between those two I think that's enough.

Well as you may remember my father was staying with my mother and I, because he wanted a fresh start (yeah at49 my father is still trying to get his life together) but for some reason he could leave this woman completely alone. Now let me say i have never liked her. My first impression of her was that she was loud, ghetto and so damn inappropriate but whatever I didn't have to leave with her I was just visiting and would be back home in less than a week. But now that he was here its a little different. Well after Christmas I let me dad use my car with the understanding that he would pay the insurance and any maintenance. however, it did need some work so the first service i would split half with him. So we get the car fixed and the next weekend he is going to Dallas so he can fly out and go see her (needless to say I haven't seen a dime). well he get back and all is well so I think and then the weekend of super bowl comes. Well that Saturday we are just have a gay ole' time we chat and talk about what he is gonna do for the super bowl, so I go to the grocery store and when i get back he is no where around no big deal. So Sunday my mom and i get up to go to church and we see him and we leave. We get back from church and he is nowhere around (no big deal) it is super bowl Sunday. So i go to bingo and come home around 9 or 10 no sight of my father okay. so Monday morning comes and still no sight of my father. Well I get home from work on Monday and his jobs number is on our caller id.... I get a little worried and so I call him and he returns my call Tuesday morning and is like oh i am just hanging out....(what the hell I haven't seen you since Sunday its 2 days later and your job called her and what this is why i don't have kids.....) So i express my concern thinking okay he is gonna show is black ass up today....and nothing so Wednesday comes around and 7:00 am his job calls all frantic about him not being at work and there being a big accident on the interstate and what way does he come to work...(now in my head I am think that I can't tell these people my father is home and i haven't seen him since Sunday and I have no earthly idea what is going on with him. So my mother and I are calling him and calling him trying to figure out what the hell is going. so he calls my mom back and is like I am in the hospital. WTF!!! and Yvette is here: Now this is where I provide my list of reasons why I don't like here:
1.) like I said when i met her i thought she was loud inappropriate and ghetto.
2.) she has AIDS (not that i hate people with AIDS)- hell i think i can say this cause if you go on Oprah it ain't no secret
3.) she is a silly hoe- she allowed my father to put one of her daughters out of there home because he said that she disrespected him (i think any woman who chooses a man over her kids is a silly hoe)
4.) she is irresponsible- ghetto lifestyle like here daughter has gold (yes i said gold) braces but she is getting evicted from every place she lives
5.) she has a bench warrant
6.) she disrespected my mother and I
So I think that is a good start. So no my father is sitting up in the hospital (mind you the same damn hospital he works in) nobody has been contacted (now i did tell silly hoe she couldn't call our house ever again) not even his sister who lives/works around the corner from this hospital, his best friend. These dumb ass mother fuckers are sitting up in the hospital not gonna say a damn thing. and this silly hoe doesn't think to call a sole. So i call him and express my disappointment so I get up there and she is there looking all stupid. So i ask for my car keys and he is like how am i gonna get home. my response is call me I will come and get you (cause what the hell do you need a car for you are in Critical Care and it makes no sense to have my vehicle just sitting up here and when you get out you want be in any condition to drive and I know this bitch isn't driving my car). So then he tells me that my car has issues WTF!!! it didn't when i saw you on Sunday what happened.....So I get my car key and take the car and leave my new car. So I finally get both cars home and go to visit him..... Now by this time my aunt is there and she is worried about him. So the nurse is checking on him and is asking about his wife and i am looking real stupid cause his wife is back in California and what not. So i am pissed again cause you good and damn well that this woman is not your wife and don't be putting me in the middle of this shit and i sure as hell ain't lying for you. So I get home and I call his wife just to let her know that he is in the hospital but that the silly toxic hoe is here. Cause she was gonna come but when i told her that she was like i don't do drama. I was like i don't think coming would be a great ideal, but i just wanted you to know. so Thursday comes and goes and I don't go see him cause i am still disgusted by the situation. so my mom tells me that he wants his mail so Friday i go take him his mail before i go to work and to see how he is doing. so we are sitting there and i am asking him questions and he is really short with me so silly hoe comes in and he lights up like a damn Christmas tree. now to demonstrate how silly this hoe is my father is in critical care with pneumonia, he has half a lung and is on breathing treatments. What does she show up with got damn pollen infested flowers and a stuffed animal...hell she may have just brought in some ragweed and mold...so i leave and stop by the nurses station to find out who the contact person is because his wife has been asking about his status. So the nurse is so thankful because this could be a potential liability issue if they don't contact the appropriate people regarding his health. So as i am leaving i call my mom who isn't answering. so i get to my car and she calls me back and in that motherly you in trouble voice she says...."WHAT ARE YOU UP THERE DOING, YOUR DAD JUST CALLED AND SAID THAT YOU ARE MAKING HIS LIFE A LIVING HELL". SO i am pissed and i go back to his room and cuss him out and tell him about some of my issues with him from when i was a child and what not. he kicks me out of his room the nurse ask me to leave and that's the last time i speak to my sperm donor....well a few days later i get a call offer me a job in the Capitol city and i jump on it. I moved here the beginning of march and moved into my place about 2 weeks later so far so good. I will have to blog more cause i need the therapy.

I got to do better....

2007-12-19T11:42:00.001-08:00

Okay I am not sure what I wrote about last but lets catch up... I am in the process of buying a new car, actually if nobody pisses me off I am gonna have a brand new Ford Fusion.......

The process as been somewhat interesting.... (1) was the financing I went to my credit union first and they said they could only finance 90% of the purchase.....WTF!!! that's the craziest shit I had ever heard. So then I went to my insurance company and they said they could do it but for 7.89% (somewhat high, I know) but it was cool I was paying the car off early and wasn't gonna use the max. amount I was approved for. (2) find the vehicle, now I must tell you that I pretty much have been stalking the market since last year. My initial choices were between Camry, Accord, Grand Prix, Fusion. I breifly got distracted by the Audi, Volvo and Saab. I mentioned to my S23 that I was gonna purchase a new car and she suggested I read Millionaire next door, which I did and that's when I decided I was not going to spend more than a millionare spends on a car the average millionare spends about $23,000 on a vehilce, so those were my price range was going to be $23,000 but not to exceed $25,000 after tax title and license. I wanted a 2007 Ford Fusion with a V6 engine and a moon roof. As I looked more I decided that i wanted leather seating...Now for those that don't know I am driving a 2001 Ford Escort with manual windows, manual looks, radio with tape deck, no special options, but I love Ziggy. But I felt I have worked hard, been financially responsible and I deserved some perks.....So I went online and I emailed all the dealership in the state that had the vehicle with the options I wanted. I waited impatently for them to respond. Some did and others did, and ohters probably should not have. I intially did not provide my full name just my first initial and last name, they thought I was a man until i mistakenly sent a email back with my full name. Well as we are talking one dealer ask for my address so he can compute the taxes. okay for thouse that don't know if dealers have to vital "points" of information on you they can pull your information and decide how much you should pay (at least that's my theory), so I politely emailed him back as why he needed my full address s0 he could do a tax watch, I googled tax watch and found nothing in relationship to purchasing a vehicle, I told him that all the other dealers just needed my parish of residency why does he need my full addy and what is a tax watch, I a still waiting for his answer. Well last week I narrowed my searh down to 5 and did a drive by at the 2 lots that had these vehicles, at which point i narrowed it down to 2 one at each lot. Now one had a navigation system it was really nice but they didn't want to sell it to me in my price range. The other was like okay we can do this, after I explained to them I was aware of the invoice price, and laught and the suggestion that I was going to pay the MSRP for a vehicle and for a vehicle at teh end of the year. Now the invoice price was really easy to get I just to Edmunds and built the car based on the window sticker from the dealers website. Well so the my first choice the black one fell through and so on Monday I called the #2 Dealer and said I want to buy my car today, I have filled out my credit application online so if you can beat my current intrest rate you can finance me. Now I had spoken with my insurance company and told them that I was purcasing my car and I needed a check (it was about 3:50) and they closed at 5:00 so I told the dealer to fax the information over so they would have it, plus I need to go pay my insurance on my new vehicle and drop full coverage on my old vehicle all before 5pm. I get to the dealership at 4pm and this is were i started to get pissed. She sits me down in her office, we exchange pleasantries (because this is our first meeting, we have only communicated by internet and one phone call before i came) and then she starts asking me question, my name, my address, how much money do I make. I am like WTF, she says we have to fill the application out because she needs a hard copy (even though i have been approved already online) all i wanted to know was the interest rate. So I start to get pissed then she hands me a HIPPA form which pretty much says that they are gonna sell my information (HELLFUCKNO) then she goes to teh sales manager as he plays with his co-workers and takes his sweetasstime. oh I am steaming.....cause i thought I was gonna get there and find out the interest rate and say yeah or nay and sign some papers and get the fuck out. So I sit there, and she can see that iam boiling

I am started this earlier last week but i decided to just post it.

Its been a while

2007-12-10T06:55:00.000-08:00

I was looking at my last post which was dated November 19....damn its almost been a month since I have exposed you to this nonsense I call my life. Lets see....

As of right now I am tired and overwhelmed. Okay let me first say I am a control freak, I have difficulties letting go and sharing responsibility with others. I fell like its my job to do everything and think after a while my family buys into the notice that F22 will do it, F22 will take care of it and I usually bitch and complain and then take care of it.

Right now I am in the process of purchasing a new car and the mfs are pissing me off. I really don't want to go to the dealership until i am picking up my car but i think I m gonna have to take my angry black women skit to the dealership cause they are fucking with me. I have secured my financing and email 5 dealerships who have the car with options that I want and I don't feel like they are taking me serious. When I sent the emails per there website I didn't provide any identifying information other than my first initial and last name and a email address. I made the mistake when responding to one dealership of leaving my full name on the email (automatic signature) and he emailed me back saying he need my full address because he need to do a tax watch. this is my response to that and his response to me.

What's a tax watch? I have never heard of that, the other dealers that I have been communicating with only need the parish or city to determine the taxes. HIS RESPONSE:
well they are shooting from the hip i don't do that i will not loose your business over price but i like to have all my ducks in a row

Now when I got this response i was pissed, I felt like he was fucking with me. He did not answer my question which led me to believe he was full of shit. I am gonna give him until Thursday/Friday to figure out that he never answered my question and until he does we can't move forward. NOW WHY WANT I GIVE HIM MY ADDY-its my understanding that once they have to vital points of information they can pull your information. like when you give them your DL before you test drive a vehicle (they are researching you) while you are taking the car for a spend and I don't want them to research me and determine what they think I should pay for this car or any other car for that matter....

Another dealership that I am dealing with the woman sent me a quote for the most expensive vehicle that is on the lot that fit my specs. how do I know cause I searched the inventory and asked her was this the only vehicle that met my specs and she said no, when can you come into the dealership to look at them. I got pissed once again because I am thinking if i had time to come in would i be communicating with you through the Internet. NO... so i responded by saying that I really don't have time to come and spent with her at the dealership, that when I come in it will be to purchase a vehicle not to look and browse. I am still waiting for her response.

Another dealership I has been sending me emails about trade-in and why i should choose them.

This is a nightmare.....I said I was gonna wait until Thursday afternoon and send all 5 dealerships a nice letter stating my frustration and my desire to find someone else to sell me a vehicle, whether at there dealership or somewhere else.

What else......Return of the EX.....
Okay a guy that I dated several years is back in my life and he is phucking my world up. Okay who is this man. I have known this man all my life he is actually my cousin's cousin. We are not related. Growing up we always were attracted to one another, he has lived in Ohio and I lived in either Arkansas or Louisiana. Well when we graduated from high school he went to the navy and i went to college and some point he got out and went back to Ohio and I graduated and went back to school. Now we would see each other occasionally when he would come to visit his family and we would hang out but nothing serious. Well my first year of law school we were talking a lot and he breaks the news to me that he is moving to Louisiana, i am like WTF....Excited scared all of the above. So he comes to visit me like in November and we have a GREAT TIME!!!! He tells me that he is moving down in December and that he will be staying like 3 hrs away from where i am living but he will be traveling the state so he will always be in south LA when I am down and can be in North LA when I am up there. Well we date and its good, he makes me sick and but I love the way he makes me fell. We have issues but never really talk about them, we just take time away from each other and start back up. Well we were having "problems" and were in one of our time out phases and I met someone and we start "talking" but HE comes back and we hang out and I tell the new guy about it and he is really pissed and we stop talking well HE and I start back up and then we have one another time out well this time was a little longer than normal, he is in town and stays with me however there is hella tension and he goes his way and we don't talk. Well one day I get a call, like a month or so later and he tells me he is getting married. WTF!!! MARRIED. YOUR ASS WAS JUST IN MY BED A MONTH AGO (though nothing happened). When did all of this take place. So I say Congratulation whens the date, where. He tells me that its sometime in July in Ohio and we get off the phone. of course i call my girls and tell them and they are like do we need to make a trip I am like no I am okay, which i really was, yes i was hurt but figured obviously she makes him happy oh well...My friends are not understanding my response to this they think i should be violently mad. well anyway I decide to give him a gift, so I call to find out where they are registered and he says no where WTF????? and then he tell me that his wife doesn't drink WTF?? so I make him a basket, yes i tap into my domestic side and make him this beautiful basket with rose petals and stuff for them LOL!!! once again my family and friends are not understanding my response to this and neither is he. But I meet him at his hotel when he was south LA and give it to him and wish him luck and that's the last time i talk to him. Well I hear about his wife and what not from our mutual family and how they never see him and what not. Surprisingly I never run into him. Well a couple of months later I get a call from him and he wants to talk (I am so not in the mood for this shit) He tells me he is getting a divorce (after less than a year). So listen with a tentative ear and sarcastic mouth about the woes of his failed marriage and he says something to the effect that he wants to see me and I am like hell no. Well over the next years or so we don't talk/talk cause I refuse to go there with him. So the Christmas before last. (now he has moved to Atlanta) He came to visit and we hung out. Initially I was guarded and cold to him and then we started talking about and stuff and it felt good damn good to be with him again and thank God he took his ass back to ATL. Well last Christmas I was in a relationship and made it my business not to see his ass while he was here (and he to was in a relationship) ironically enough i was back with the guy from law school who he jacked things up with before. So we didn't see each other. Fast Forward to last month.... I get an email saying make no plans for Christmas because HE wants to see and HE isn't taking no for an answer. Of course I laugh and call him and ask WTF? We talk and he tells me how he loves and cares for me and wants another chance..... I am think ( i should say that we are friends now and we get alone fine). When I think of him I think of a lot of things, I think of a life long friend who I can drink and try new restaurants with, have a good time doing absolutely NOTADAMNTHING with, GREAT AMAZING MIND BLOWING SEX and when I think of my current status the negatives seem like small stuff. I told him I don't know about us getting back together because for one he lives 8 hrs away and that to long distant for me, and then I am not sure how i feel about him whether I love him or just love the way I feel when I am around him.

Wow!!!

2007-11-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

Its been almost a week since I last posted something. Not really has happened since I've last written. I will say I have eaten breakfast with my dad a couple of mornings, though I'm not a morning person and we don't really talk as much, I do enjoy it. Lets see I not really sure what I want to talk about. I am at work early (8 am.) suppose to be here for 9 but court doesn't start until 10 so I am so early, how productive will i be, time will only tell.

I am not really sure what I want to talk about today, nothing really has crossed my mind. What does everyone have planned for the holiday. Me nothing really, lately I have been so tired and haven't really wanted to do anything but sleep and eat and speaking of which I got on the scale last night and it said I weigh 200 lbs. (I am only publishing this so that I will be motivated to to do something about it) I am not sure why i am so surprise all I do is eat and sleep and hardly ever go work out and besides last Thanksgiving I was at 200 lbs. I must do something about this cause I want to bring sexy back for 30 and I have 9 months to get it together. My goal is to lose about 40-50 lbs. When I graduated from high school I was 150 so if I can get around that weight I will be so excited and if its true that every 10lbs is one dress size that's like 4-5 dress sizes (which would put me in a 10 or 8). You all do know if I get down to a size 10 or 8 for my 30th birthday you want be able to tell me a damn thing.

My plan:

Go to the gym 3-5 a week

Get on a schedule, which would only 8 hours of sleep, going to bed at the same time--10:30 and getting up at the same time (6:30 a.m)

Not eating after 8:30, eating less (cookies, ice cream, etc.)

Not eating out as much, trying to eat more meals at home

I do have a question does anyone know how to loose breast weight?

Other things I need to do:

1.) Purchase a new car (plan to do that next month)
2.) Finish my book that S23 recommended, its in my purse but I never pull it out to read it when I have free time
3.) Apply to my L.LM programs
4.) Get serious about my budget and investments
hold on i have list in my purse lets see what on it
okay that's another blog.....I will get to that later.....

Okay I guess I will work through some files before i go to court.

Thats all I can think of right now,

Pros

2007-11-13T13:19:00.000-08:00

I was thinking hell I would know more about him than any random guy that I met at the club, in the mall, at church. Since I represent him I have access to all of his personal information. I know more about him where he lives, where he works, where he has worked, his criminal history or lack there of, if he has gotten any speeding tickets, ever been stopped by the police, if there are any liens on his property, how much money he makes. Hell other than his credit score and blood type (actually I think I have access to that to). what would be so bad......OH I COULD LOSE MY LICENSE THAT WORKED SO HARD FOR!!!

CASE CLOSED!!!!

Staying on the straight and narrow

2007-11-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

Okay so yesterday I had the day off and I just didn't feel like blogging, but you all didn't miss anything from this thing I call my life. What did I do on my off day. I got up and took my dad to work and we ate breakfast together. Then I went to the Elementary school where I am doing Jr. Achievement this week, followed by a stop by the office ( you know I couldn't stay away) I stayed about 2 hrs., which is good for me. I then went home ate a bowl of cereal and got in the bed and had a delicious nap. I then got up, cleaned up and went through my closets and drawers and took out things that I can't wear or haven't worn and put them in a stack. Then I went to pick my dad up from work and dropped him off at the house and then I went to the gym. I did abs and cardio (now I haven't been back to class since like June maybe and my last day was boot camp day and guess what we had a mini boot camp when i came back that damn D). So then I came home, ate watched a little TV and bath and got ready for bed. I couldn't not have planned it better.

So today I wake up sore, my stomach, my arms, my back, my legs shit I am sore. But it feels good.

What I really want to talk about is my client that asked (kinda) me to dinner today. Now if want to know where the fine brothers are come to court, some are in orange, yellow and red. Some are in criminal court or domestic court (child support and divorce). Some are the police that come to testify or they work for the sheriff office. I must say I am surrounded by an abundance of fine black men. now I am just talking about the physical, now weather they are sane or not or have many other issues is a different question. Well I am representing this guy for Unauthorized Entry of an Inhabited Dwelling, what did he do he went to his girlfriends house and saw another man there, kicked in the door and got into a fight with the other guy who he says gave him a run for his money. I had been noticing him looking at me but I didn't pay him any mind. Well today I am talking to him about his case and he says "I guess asking you to dinner is out of the question as long as I am a convict." my response was "YES". Now besides it being unethical for me to date any of my clients while I represent him. I pose this question would it be so crazy to date somebody I have represented? Okay I have to go back to court but I will come back with my thoughts.

I guess I will finish fear of the black man Part II

2007-11-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

So off to college I go with a boyfriend in tow that is in school in DFW and I in BTR and I see so many men. But I was in love and faithful. Needless to say I broke up with him that October of my first semester. I am glad to report that he is one of my bestest and closest friends today.

Okay the men I met in college. When I first got to college I had a job on campus in the Engineering department. I met this upperclassman who was an Alpha. I was so afraid of him, cause he was older, greek and fertile (he had a son). He didn't make any moves on me initially we just talked and he would give me rides home after work and we just chilled. Oh I forgot to mention I think his baby mamma went to school with us as well. So we talked and were friends my first year in college. He was a true friend. Well let me go back. At the beginning of my second semester my classes got purged because I forgot to return my fee bill stub, I didn't owe anything but I forgot to return it and my classes got purged. Well he was very instrumental helping me get classes and everything straight so we still talked during my 2nd semester mind you I would never go out with him or doing anything other than maybe kiss him. I was so afraid of him. I was like 18 and he had to have been like 23 0r older. Well anyway after I come back after the summer we hung out a little bit but we ended cause i was so afraid of him till it was ridiculous. In college i didn't really date people (i would occupy time and then move on) until I met LeMar. When I first met LeMar I really wasn't all that interested in, I was actually interested in his friend. Come to find out they weren't even friends they were just cool. LeMar wore me down he chased me for about 1 year. He was a year behind me in college and he would call me to see how I was doing, if I was sick he would meet me in front of the Union (unplanned of course) and bring me OJ and walk with me to class. I personally thought this dude was Ultra-Lame. He would bring me plastic flowers and say he wanted them to last forever. WTF!!! If I didn't say it i met him 1st semester of my Sophomore Year. Like I said he wore me down, I really wasn't interested in him, actually found him to be annoying. I was somewhat mean to him and rude as hell. Well the 2nd semester of my Junior year (yeah a whole year later) we started hanging out more and he didn't annoy me as much. Well we were watching a movie in my room before I was getting ready to go out and right before he left he kissed me. When I tell you I got chills and had butterflies in my chest. It was the weirdest thing I had ever experienced. Well after that we started dating and later he became my boyfriend. It was wonderful. We never argued we never fought. It was pretty much whatever I wanted. We dated through the summer. During the summer he would come over and sleep with me and nothing would happen. He would just hold me and we would sleep. Well one weekend my roommates and I had a party, why who knows. back then you didn't need a reason. So the week before we wiped up some tonic and let it sit (fermate) in the refrigerator for about a week. we had our party. Now LeMar didn't drink and I drank like a fish. So he came over and just stayed in my room the whole nite work on stuff (school work---what a dork LOL) we had jello shots and all. My friends thought this was a little weird for him to stay in my room the whole night, while me and his friends/roommates my friends/roommates partied. Well I figured since he didn't drink he didn't want to be around drunk. Well that night I was face numbing drunk and I am not sure what happened once i passed out, all I remember was coming to and he was on top of me and I was freaking out. I didn't know who/why this man was laying on top of me and then I passed out again. I woke up the next morning and he was gone. I called him and was like whats going on with you. He was like you freaked me out last night. I was like what are you talking about. He wouldn't tell me and that's when we had the talk. We decided that it would be best if we waited before having sex and that we should get to know each other a lot better. I was cool with that cause by this time I was on year 3 of celibacy so i wasn't missing anything. So we continued to date and he would stay with me I stay with him sometimes. I partied hard and he remained a home body. He got alone with my roommates for the most part, though he would annoy the shit out of Takia and I wold tell him to leave her alone. Well you know how people say hindsight is 20/20 I understand. One night after partying with my friends, actually it was homecoming and my friends from NOLA came down. Now we had talked about this I told him they were coming and that i was gonna stay with him and let my friend have my room, that I would come over after we got in that it may be late. Now we get in and i have been drinking (hell what else is new) and I call him and he answers the phone in half sleep. I am like open your door I am on my way over. He is like NO....WTF (I only use this word in this relationship) I am like what are you talking about. He was like I have a friend over and I am like and you have three roommates plus the nigga that sleeps on the couch sometimes stop playing. He was like they are in my bed. I am thinking wake the nigga up shit, its late stop playing. I was like I tell you what I am about to hope in the shower and change clothes when i get dressed I am coming over. Was like okay I am gonna take them home and call you when I get back. I am like cool do what you got to do, if I bet you to your place i will probably be sleep. love ya bye. So no problems. So I get there and pass out. I didn't think anything odd about it at all. So about a couple of months later I went out again and got shit face drunk and called him when I got in and he was like i am gonna stay here tonight I was like okay I am coming over. Well after I should my natural black (drunk) ass he gave me my way. Not really sure why we had to go through all of that cause he always gave me my way. Now let me tell you about LeMar. He was a year behind me but I was 4 months older than him. He was a religious studies/ philosophy major. He wanted to move to St. Louis and get his master and become a minister. The thought of being a minister's wife was funny as hell to me and all of my friends. I met him mother, father and younger brother would go and eat with the family, go to church with him and the whole 9. He even acknowledge that i would be his worse parishioners, I told him I wasn't going to go to his church he was AME and I was Baptist so he didn't have to worry about "leading" me and he was like see what i mean. Well anyway there use to be this lil girl who would always be at his house. Now mind you there were always people at his house. He voluntarily told me that this young lady was there for his roommate, who had a girlfriend. I felt sorry for the lil girl cause when the girlfriend finds out she was going to loss her mind. The lil girl was so nice to me, she would ask me what party's i was going to, speak to me all the time when i saw her (i was like she ain't got to kiss my ass she is cool with me, I wasn't sure if she was kissing my ass cause she wanted to be a Delta or because she thought I knew her secret) either way cut that shit out. And she had a cousin who went to school with us and we were cool as hell. So i just thought this shit was wild. Well the semester was coming to an end and i was going home. Well we got in our first tiff, it was nothing major but it was strange. before I left we were talking about grades and i asked him about his and he went smooth off. I was like damn (you always do better than me so whats the big deal) all you do is read the bible and talk "shit" I deal with programing and shit you can't compare the two. So we make up and I go home. He was suppose to come visit but he didn't, he told me that he was growing his hair out he wanted to go with the Cornel West look, which I was totally against. and told him if he was gonna come to visit he better tame that shit. Before I get to the end of the relationship I have to tell you so other factoids about LaMar. LaMar actually met my family:my mom, my aunt, my dad, my cousin and my step mom. In addition he celebrated my 21st Bday with me, we talked about marriage and spending the rest of our life together. since he was a year behind me i was going to postpone my graduation date so that we could graduate together. I was looking for grad schools in St. Louis so that after we graduated and moved to St. Louis, yeah I had planned my life with this man....I love this man unlike I had loved anyone I had dated before, I felt he respected me because he had a sex less relationship even when there were times I suggest we change that. WELL all good things must come to an end. Well on Friday night we went out to get something to eat and came back, we picked up smoothing for my roommate and when we got back he started annoying the shit out of my roommate as usual and she went off and kicked him out of the apartment. I personally thought the shit was funny as hell because I had been telling him for the past year to leave her alone but he wouldn't listen to me. So she kicks him out and I tell him I think that he should go and that I would talk to him later. (thinking they need time to cool off) Well the next day he had stuff to do with his brother and so we don't talk. That Sunday I wash my hair and I have all these damn rollers in it when he comes over, he is like I am not staying tonight and I am like whatever, my hair is wet and I ain't coming out like this. Oh let me back up that Saturday afternoon he comes over and we watch a movie, and in the movie there is scene were the guy calls his girlfriend from jail and he is asking all these damn questions and he turns to me and says that's what you would do, I am like no. So Monday morning I get up and go to class and go to work, nothing out of the ordinary. At work I decide that I should cook, now mind you in all the time we had dated I had never cook for him, but i figured after this crazy weekend I would. So I call him to see what was up and no answer. Usually we would both get off work and he would come over and we would watch the news and take a nap. Actually he would watch the news and I would nap. So 5pm comes and goes and then 6pm. Nothing. I start getting random calls from people asking me about LeMar and I am like I haven't talked to him, hell people I didn't like call me. Well so around 6:30 7pm I get a call from LeMar and he is like hey, I was like hey where are you he was like "in jail" I am thinking this nigga is playing so i play along, he proceeds to tell me that he and one of his professors got into and argument and that's why he is in jail, but that he would be home later. I was like okay I will see you then, talk to you later. We hang up. Now I didn't think anything of it cause I was like he got jokes and if he did get into an argument with his professor (who was the acting Dean of Students) it was probably some philosophy debate that got heated. Whatever!!! So I didn't tell anyone and just figured i would see him in the morning. So the next day i got up and went to class like nothing and on my way back from class I pick up a school a paper and on the front page it reads "DEAN OF STUDENTS ATTACKED AT HOME" I am thinking damn Dean had a shitty day, so I am walking and reading says that the dean was coming out of his home and was approached by a young black man impersonating a FBI agent and then the get in to a physical struggle when the young black man pulls a knife and the suspect is LEMAR....WTF!!!! So I am freaking the fuck out....I got to my classes skip work and go home. I get home and have numerous messages and one from the dean telling me that he wants to see me. i am freaking out (now the dean is actually my advisor for Student Government, so we actually know each other). He calls me into his office and tells me that he is concerned about me, he shows me the huge ass scar that goes around his neck that he says Lemar did and he tells me how dangerous my boyfriend is and that I need to pretty much get out of the relationship. I am stunned because he has never displayed any acts of violence. Well I go home for a couple of days to sort things out, cause people are calling me left and right. i come back and try to get back on track with the situation dealt to me and find out this motherfucker was cheating and I go smooth off.....who was he cheating with yes that lil girl that i said was kissing my ass, she didn't care where the party was she just wanted to know if i was gonna be out or not. Well I can't really go into details about my response to this information but lets just say the chick was deathly and i mean DEATHLY afraid of me. Hell her cousin who i was cool with and still was even stopped talking to me. I went on a fucking warpath i almost didn't graduate. and this is were we lift up our hands and thank the LORD for grace and mercy cause if I had gotten what I deserved i would be serving time just like Lemar.
I can only imagine how long this blog is I will do part 3 in another blog.

I am sure I left so much out but I think you get the point.

Just when I was about to go off....

2007-11-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

Okay I guess this is as good as time as any to introduce you to LADY RAGE....she is an extension of me and she occasionally graces others with her presence about every four weeks and if she doesn't OH HELL....so needless to say I am hormonal, emotional and just not myself. Lady Rage has entered the building..

okay today was going okay, it started with me getting up early as hell and getting my car to the lube for an oil change. I also had a few errands to run and then i came home and watched a little TV before getting ready for work. I get a strange phone call, a number i didn't recognize thought maybe it was the lube telling me my car was ready. So i answer and i hear a strangely familiar voice say HEY!! so I say Hey back and we make small chat and I am like who is this and he says kwash, I'm like hey what been up. So who is kwash- this guy i meet with my realtor about 2 or 3 years ago, we were all just shooting the shit and making chit chat in the parking lot of Kinkos. Well so we all go our separate ways and one afternoon my realtor calls me in the middle of my nap and says kwash has been asking me about you and he wants me to give you this number to call him. So I do and we talk but its almost like, it was really weird when we talked cause it was almost like he didn't want to talk to me but he was being nice and I was thinking shit i was calling you to be nice cause my realtor said you had been asking about me. Whatever to we go back and forth talking, not talking, playing phone tag and what not. He works at a high school and one Friday night he invites me to a talent show that one of his "clubs" is sponsoring and so i go with my high school aged cousin I sit through this adolescent foolishness and was like okay I am out. NOW, I saw him when first came in, I had to pay FULL PRICE, and he said bye when I left WTF!!!! you invited me to this I have no business at anybodies high school talent show on a Friday nite. I after its over I am like what are you doing, he was like I am going to a birthday party i will catch up with you later.....once again WTF!!! So the next time I called him he was like who is this I was like Oh hell this shit is whack and I am out. So needless to say I had deleted his number from my phone and had no idea who he was when he called. So we make chit chat and he tells me he has taken the day off (from all 16 jobs, okay like 3 or 4) and ask me what I am doing today and around lunch. So he says he will call me around lunch. now something that really bothers me is when I have to tell people stuff over and over and over again. I have told this man on numerous occasions that i don't work for the DA's office, I am not a prosecutor but for some reason he can't get through his thick skull that I am a defense attorney and there is a different. Now this man went to morehouse, has a master from like Hampton and a PhD from some other HBCU and is an Omega. Now if I said he went to like Clark, got his master from Howard and went to Tulane for his PHD and heaven forbid I thought he was a Kappa or Alpha he would be so offended. so damn how hard is it to remember i am a defense attorney hell if its that complicated how about just say i am a lawyer. I told you'll lady rage was back. Well anyway I am in the mist of work and i look up and its 12:20 and I haven't heard from him, uh its lunch time and if you are gonna be a no show at least send a text. so i call him from work and like dude are we doing something for lunch no answer, then i call when i leaving to run errands and he answers and its like he had no idea who i was and was like let me call you back....I HATE PEOPLE WHO WASTE MY TIME AND PEOPLE WHO CANT PLAN WANT PLAN OR ACKNOWLEDGE THEY AREN'T PLANNERS CAUSE I AM.....thank goodness i brought my lunch because i would have been as hot as fish grease if i didn't bring my lunch and thought we were going and we didn't needless to say he has been deleted again (actually i just cleaned out my inbox, outbox and miss calls)

okay well i had to go see my periodontist and pay on my account I was prepared to write out a check and the lady goes let me fix something and change this and talk with your insurance company to see if you we can get a better payment from them so hold off on writing the check and lets see what happens.....OKAY!!!! just when my day was going back

LAST NIGHT: we had our singles ministry class which was in conjunction with the marriage enrichment class. Our assignment was to go see the Tyler Perry why did I get married movie. We talk about the different relationships and the problems in those relationships we talked about for the married why they got married and for the single why i want to be married and or me why i don't want to be married. It was really good and interesting and funny I one day i will do an in depth blog about why i don't want to be married, yeah right after i finish my blog on fear of men I haven't forgotten just haven felt like doing it

okay i guess i will go now

should have just taken my ass to Seattle

2007-11-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

While in law school I went to Seattle and interviewed with several "firms" and was offered a job for the State of Washington. More than likely I would have ended up in (50%) Olympia and a (50%) chance I would have been some where else across the state. The decision was so hard I didn't have any other offers at the them but had done much interviewing and was just playing the waiting game. Well I sent my fax to Ms. Natamura declining the opportunity to move to the great state of Washington and work for the State with there Attorney General office. My friends were so mad at me cause now they didn't have a new place to visit and how dare I deny them the chance to see Puget Sound and Jimi Hendrix grave or experience the culture of Seattle (now it wasn't gauranteed I would be in Seattle) i could have been in Port orchard or Bainbridge Island or Yakima and that may have really SUCKED!!!!

Well needless to say everything worked out, so why am I think that I should have gone. Well last night I did something that needed to be done but I really didn't want to nor/or was I truly ready to do.

I think I have talked about Mr. Phuck around to Phuck around (PAPA). Well I have been distancing myself, not calling him when I want to or everytime I think about him. well last night he text me and was like "what are you doing" my response was "why?" he says "I wanted to see you" I was like "you coming to (import my city)". NO response.....So I call him and was like whats going on, he said he was trying to find something to do and wanted to see me but he need to take this call, but he might be my way if so he will call me. So I get off the phone and go to sleep only to be awaken my a phone call of no substance and can't go back to sleep. I began to think hell I could go see him (then I thought WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT). Well one of the reasons I have been distancing myself is because I came to the realization that "HE JUST ISN'T THAT IN TO ME" so I need to move on. Well anyway I text him about "what did you decide to do" he responds "stay at home" so I call him and we talk. The first thing he says is that I have missed you, I wanted to be around you. does this motherfucker have timing or what. Now you all have somewhat read about my week. and I usually call him and he knows just what to say to make me feel all better, but like I said I have been distancing myself. So we talk a real talk (of course not what i signed up for when i called i really just wanted to hear his voice and hell after hearing it and him saying he missed me and wanted to be around me I could have hung up and and been satisfied but no I am greedy). Well anyway we have one of our real convos and I tell him that I think this will be the last time we talk and he was like I wish we could have had this in person. I'm like I'm glad we didn't.....So why is was this our last convo.
I am a a selfish controlling guarded bitch who isn't open to changing or compromising. However I met this man who I want, like really really want and would be willing to change (okay modify) and he isn't all that in to me. I think he likes me, he likes being around me but he just isn't willing to give me what I want. His response is that I can't handle what I want, I am afraid of commitment, and that I would get scared freeze up and bail out. Now I must admit this would be my normal mode of operation but with him I don't think it would, I can't promise but I feel differently about him. I (how fuckin appropriate Quincy Jones Everything Must Change just came on). This guy is everything I want in a man....he is funny, smart, real, says all the right things, he challenges me, makes me think, however its done in a way that makes me want to be a better person, be the person he sees. I can say being around him is like being on another planet. I don't worry about a thing, its about him being in control and making the decisions, the weight of the world that i carry daily is checked in when i cross his threshold. SO I WOULD BE EASY TO JUST COMPLETELY LET GO however I will not do it for someone who just isn't that in to me and want give me what I want. Call me a baby but yes I am packing up my shit and leaving. I am at a different point in my life where I want to be the center of attention, the #1 person and in order to move forward I can't continue to make the same decisions I once did, hoping that I will eventually get what I want. He has made it clear I can't have what I want NOW so I have to leave the situation. END OF STORY

So it back to my original position on men and relationship.
WHAT EVER I NEED FROM A MAN I CAN BUY, BORROW OR DO MYSELF. no I am not bitter, I am just real. Some people will have the husband, 2.5 kids etc. etc. I on the other hand probably want, so I need to worry and take care of me. A man is not a plan. I believe there are some great available men out there, however I will not waste my time looking, searching or pondering over there existence in my life. I say again there are some wonderful men out there I have met them, however I just am not compatible with them so I take my hat out of the ring and let the other women have at it.

So what am I doing......Serenity suggested I read the Millionaire next door. So I have purchased the book and have been reading. So I figure i will build wealth and when I die a rich ole bitch i can leave my wealth and riches to my pet cat Bubbles (note I don't have a cat, animals make me sneeze so this is a joke.)
But I can invest in other future, but first i must build my wealth. so off to building wealth (first step keep my job and be prepared for this Aggravated Battery trial I have on Monday.)

Tears in the office....

2007-10-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

Today I cried at work....I know how unprofessional. I had a client today that I was fighting for his release and I don't think the judge is going to let him go. Now he is crazy as the day is long and the Dr. say (though I question that) he is a danger to himself and others. Now this guy is homeless, no family, no criminal history, now he is crazy not question about that. but i just had a hard time letting it go just because he is crazy. I don't it just really got to me cause I fight for ass holes everyday to go home only to come back a month or so later with another charge. My co-worker said he will be getting the help he needs if he is civilly committed because otherwise he will be out in the street with no treatment, home and could end up hurting someone or getting hurt. I guess that's true but i just don't think its fair just because he is crazy who am i to see he shouldn't be out if I believe that state is illegally holding him.

Sometimes I hate my job and sometimes I love it. Sometimes I feel so elitist, for example yesterday I met with a woman who has 9 kids, numerous baby daddy's, no job, living on government assistance. She says she has 2 kids that are grown and the others range from high school age to toddler. She is charged with Cruelty to Juvenile. My first thought was if you had a job maybe you wouldn't have all these damn kids, then I was like hell that should be cruelty in itself 7 kids that you can't support. I promise the more I talked to her the more exhausted I became, hell I had to come home and take a nap. I felt bad for judging this lady but I was so annoyed by her situation. And then read some of the allegation, how she would have her hair and nails done and her kids would look a shitty mess (literally). I was so irritated. Sometimes i feel so guilty for my quasi-bourgeois attitude. Cause there really isn't anything that damn special about me. I could go on, but I will stop.

I guess today my job really got to me. I have about (let's see) 250 open cases and I would say that probably 200 of the people (80%) are black and of those I would guess that 175 are men. you hear that all the black men are in prison and it is so true. If I want to see a multitude of brothers the jail is the spot. they are there for stupid shit. poor decision making, lack of self control, disrespect of others property, etc. then there are so many of them that need some help. many of my clients are the crack babies from the 80's they have so many challenges. Its just heart breaking.

Question: How do you keep up the good fight when the people you are fighting for are throwing in the towel?

Happiness

2007-10-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

The other day I was talking with our court reporter. She is probably in her 40's (maybe 50's) but lately she has been doing a lot of traveling with her hunnie. I asked when did she start enjoying life. She said probably in her 40's. She said during her 20's she was married and had a kid, once he got out of school, she sold her house moved into an apartment and has been traveling to and fro.

The reason I asked this was because a friend of mines told me that I need to enjoy life more. I really don't think its time to enjoy life. I feel like my 20's were the boot camp of life. My 20's have been filled with life lesson, bumping my head (sometimes over and over and over again). My friends look at me crazy when I say I am ready for the 30's. In some ways that is true. As far as whatever it is life has to offer I am so ready (cause I just want to believe its got to get better) not to say my life is so bad now but I pray this isn't it (I hope I didn't make a wrong turn back there somewhere). When I think about my health I am so not ready for 30's cause I am so out of shape so unhealthy and i lack true motivation to change. In my spiritual life I am not sure. Its like I know better but sometimes I don't do better. I have known God and Jesus as my personal savior (okay let me open that up cause I need some help. I have known that Jesus was my personal savior since i was like 4 or 5 years old. I have known God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe that the Holy Spirit Dwells in me, but for some reason I feel that since I have known this "family" for so long I shouldn't be experiences some things or as I type I am thinking maybe I should.
You ever hear people give testimonies and they say how they were in the world and they did this that and another and how God brought them a mighty long way. I think of this song (not really a song just a testimony on record) About this lady who sang for Chaka Khan and want not met a guy that became her drug dealing boyfriend and how she had a praying grandmother. She passed out from doing drugs and the Lord spoke to her, etc. I can honestly say I have never experienced a low like that and people who have talk about there lives then and now and they have this conviction in there heart and voice about the glory and power of God.
Not that I am saying I need a life changing experience to appreciate God, but somedays I think I (I know) take him for granite. Because he has protected me, so somedays I just don't feel like talking to him. I know that sounds crazy but I don't know what to do. I know you are thinking what does this have to do with happiness.
Well right now I am in a phunk and I can't seem to get out. I just feel numb, indifferent, tired, unhappy. But then I start feeling bad because I know that I am blessed and there are people who wish they were in my position, but I just still feel melancholy.
Not sure what that is about. I feel like I have so much that needs to be done and I just don't know where to start. I want to get organize but for some reason I just don't feel like doing it. Like at the end of the day I feel like I have not accomplished a thing. I use to every night write out my to do list and throughout the day scratch off the things I did and see what I actually did. Now the thought of that just makes me want to go to bed. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!

I so want to have a schedule and be organized more and accomplish more but the thought of sitting down and starting the process seems so daunting.

I started off talking about happiness then moved into God and now I am talking about time management...believe it or not this is how my mind works. I do worry to much and put to much on myself but that's me and how i function.

QUESTION: Are you truly enjoying life, if not when do you think you will start?

White Boots and open Toe Suede shoes???????

2007-10-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

Okay the last time we talked I was debating what to do for my mentally defective client, well I decided to go for it, so I just finished my "motions" and what not on his behalf. I took it to my secretary and told her I needed it filed. Now when I walked over there she was reading a magazine and she says, can I file it tomorrow. I say yes cause its really not due until Monday but I wanted the judge to get it so he could (not that he would) look it over the weekend. I GROWL.

I have a question for all the fashionistas out there: something that has always bugged me was white boots and open toe suede (or any other winter material) shoes. I also don't understand "winter shorts" but you don't see people doing that to often. I am I just crazy or what?

I met with one of the attorneys I talked about who wanted me to help her with some of her Personal Injury work. I went to talk to her and she is walking me through a file and what not, so I ask her about payment for my services. Now I will be the first to admit that I am not sure of my worth, but when she said half I bout fell out of my chair. Let's say she get a settlement for $10,000 and she takes 30%, which would be about $3,000 I would get $1,500. Ballin' out of control......am I selling myself cheap, we will see we are getting together Saturday to work on a few files that need to be done by December (no whammies no whammies----Christmas $$$$$$)

What else.....I need to finish my series on Fear of men but I just don't feel like it.

The great State has some new elected officials, some I voted for, some I didn't some I couldn't and wouldn't but I am happy to say the number of commercials on TV will dramatically decrease, cause I am so sick of those damn commercial. Some dude (usually old white man) with a dress shirt on, sleeves rolled up, having mindless chit chat (we are to believe his leading) with an attentive audience and then they roll the fluff. "He will change things, he will make a difference, blah blah blah"" Like anyone is gonna say I am running for XYZ cause I hate my current job, I think the current XYZ is an idiot, I am gonna give perks to all my friends and supports and have a complicated matrix-like phone system so I can never hear your concerns (like I was gonna do anything anyway) SO VOTE FOR ME.....

What else.....I guess that's it cause I have gotten Bridal Shower invite and a Baby Shower invite and I need to stalk there registry to see what they have the I am gonna by.
QUESTION: The bridal shower I am invited to is themed "Around the Clock" and each person has a different time, my time is 7:00 p.m and we are suppose to bring something that the bride can use during that time I was thinking that was dinner time so I was gonna look for something for the kitchen. Any thoughts on anything else?

Oh what shall I do.....

2007-10-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

Things have been kinda......I don't know interesting? My weekend was pretty boring, I spent it getting ready for Jury Trials, which of course none of them went. Just day I kinda felt like a real lawyer...what do I mean, some days I feel like I just show up and stuff happens and other days I don't know. Well I got a sex offender a sweet deal, now before you go and get all up in arms about how could I represent a sex offender. Let me say what I was representing him on was his failure to register. Here S.O have to register for 10 years with the city, parish and state and my guy only registered with the state and had registered with the parish (not sure if he had to register with the city cause not sure if he lived within the limits) since 99'. Now he hasn't gotten in any more trouble or anything like that. The state was trying to give him a minimum of 2 years and I just thought that was ridiculous this man was on probation during some of the time he was to register and nobody said anything now 7 years later its a problem. Seriously???? I hate when the STATE tries to screw people over for there on personal reasons. Well anyway I got him a misdemeanor and probation.

Now right now I am dealing with something that I don't know what to do.....how do you do the right thing and the right thing. I have a guy who needs to be released from custody but I know he may pose a danger to society. But the reason he should get released is because the STATE was fucking around and didn't do there job....(to busy trying to prosecute silly shit)So I don't know what to do. Actually I do but I just don't want this ass hole showing up at my door in a couple of days.....

Its been pretty slow around these parts I am trying to get back on track with things and all. I am getting ready to buy a new car and Christmas shop. (I hate spending money...I growl).

I hope all is going well for everyone. I am gonna head home its getting cold down here and I kinda want some hot cocoa.

PSA

2007-10-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMS FOR THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT........THE BITCH HAS LOST HER MIND.

I was suppose to finish my blog on fear of men and bring it all to a close but I have to tell you all about this before I can move on to any other blogs.

Yesterday morning my dad's girlfriend finally left our house and as I was getting ready for work what the hell do I see....she has displayed a picture of her and my dad in our extra bedroom. Okay now let me tell you a little background about this photo. On Saturday I first noticed this picture and politely took it down with no drama. I bring it to my dad's attention on Sunday and ask him is this something that we need to address and he tells me no. I explain to him how I think it is entirely inappropriate for her to display pictures in our house especially of you two. WTF!!! I go on to say that I am sure that she doesn't have photos of my dad and my mom (just the 2 of them) up displayed in her home, nor does she have photos of my dad and his current wife displayed in her home, so why did she think it was okay do display photos of them in our home. He tells me he hadn't even seen the picture up and did know what I was talking about initially. He says that she brought the picture with her and he just put it to the side and she must have put it up. But no we did not need to address this matter because obviously he could see I was in rare form.

So Monday goes by and she hangs out with my aunt (which was funny all by itself) and then my dad drops her off at the house and goes and checks on a friend that had just gotten out the of the hospital. So when we get home we are down stairs watching TV and she is upstairs the entire time. We almost forgot she was up there. So its like 3 or 4 hours later and my mom and I are going to get something to eat and I ask her if she was hungry and she says no she ate left overs from when she was with my aunt. (now you know I had already gotten the skinny from my aunt about there "quality" time) My aunt tells me that she didn't move the entire time she was there (she didn't eat, she didn't piss, she stayed in the same spot the entire time). So I know even if she had eaten her left over it wasn't much and she should be hungry by now. So I call my dad and say "are you gonna be hungry when you get home", he like no, I am like you sure and he is like yes, then he tells me that his friend was cooking so he would eat over there. Then he says that El hetto may be though, I say I asked her and she said she wasn't and I know she hadn't eaten all day, he was like she's a grown ass women if she say she ain't hungry then she ain't hungry. COOL so me and moms get some Popeye's and its on.

Well Tuesday she stays at the house with my mother and my mother says she didn't make a move, not a word not a pep. She stayed in the extra room watching TV and on the computer (note to self check the computer to make sure everything is on the up and up). But once my dad got home he cook and she finally ate (cause she didn't eat since like 6 am and he got home around 4pm). So they are in the extra room all night with the door closed. They were suppose to be leaving for Dallas early Wednesday morning around 3am so my mom calls around 2:45 a.m and they are still sleep OH HELL NAW SHE AINT MISSING HER PLANE and so my dad hops up and makes coffee and gets dress she hops in the shower and gets ready they pack up the car and then she walks back in the living room where my mom and I are sitting up watching DVR stuff (cause we were gonna make sure the got out the house in a timely fashion) and she stands in front of us and says some half hearted thank you and we just look at her and say okay your welcome and then there was a awkward moment and she left. I think she wanted us to get up and hug her, surely she didn't think that. Well any way we go back to sleep and I get up to get ready for work and that's when I see the picture up AGAIN!!! I AM LIVID

I search for her number but couldn't find it I got to work in a shitty mode cause I just know this bitch just disrespect my mother in her own house and me to. So it rains at work and I have to walk back to the office from court in the rain so my anger is building. Fast Forward

I finally get home and locate her work and cell number. I call her on her cell and she says that she is at work. I tell her that I am glad that she got back safely, I tell her I know it was an awkward situation but I hope she felt welcomed and comfortable and she says she does and then I asked her why she thought it was appropriate to display a picture of she and my dad in my mothers house.....the phone goes dead. So I count to 3 and locate her work number cause I know she didn't just hang up on me. So I call her at work and she answers and she says that her phone died and that she didn't have our number to call back (LIE #1- when i called her the first time she said you scared me cause it came up your dad's name and i just got off the phone with him and i thought something was wrong) and then she said my phone's batter is dead and my chargers in the car so I could call you back (LIE#2- cause she said when i called her at work that I just left your dad a message on his phone telling him to tell you to not to think I hung up on you WTF) so I open up with my question again. WHY DID YOU THINK IT WAS APPROPRIATE TO DISPLAY A PHOTO OF YOU AND MY DAD IN MY MOTHER'S HOUSE? She plays dumb like what are you talking about? and then she finally remembers and says I didn't put it up. WTF? Then she says that she just brought a bunch of stuff for my dad and he put it up (LIE#3), then i explained to her that I spoke with my dad about it and told him how I felt. She said nothing was said to her. Then she finally admitted that she did put it up a second time but it was not to disrespect my mother and all she was doing was straightening up (LIE #4) now I told you they were pushed for time when they left, she didn't have time straighten up before they left and if she wanted to straighten up or something why the hell didn't she clean the damn kitchen after my dad cooked (cause i did that once I got home from work). and my other question why did she wait until she left to put it back up. Well I told I was just calling to make sure we were on the same page and that she understood that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WAS SHE EVER WELCOMED TO OUR HOME, DON'T CALL, WRITE STOP BY NOTHING. YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED IN OUR HOME.

so we will see what happens next, my dad hasn't said anything to me yet.....

Androphobia- pre college

2007-10-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

Androphobia is the fear of men and yes that was me. I know that sounds really crazy but lets open that up. I am my own therapist and each comment you provides goes into my own personal case file for later use, so please comment.

Well I as I posted earlier an old friend of mines accused me of being shy and scary. Which I have to admit, I once was. So less dissect this and try to bring closure.

My relationship history:

My first ever boyfriend was in kindergarten I remember his name and everything, last I heard he was in the NFL. Well we will call him Dr. Spock. He was the fastest boy in my P.E. class and it only seemed right that I be his girlfriend cause I was the fastest girl in the class. But little did he know once I finally beat him racing I would no longer want to be his girlfriend. I think I liked him cause he was faster than me and just as smart as me. Well needless to say that relationship didn't go far.

The next relationship I recall was in 8th grade I dated this guy we will call him Nino Brown. Nino was really sweet to me however he was a thug. My mom liked him because she knew his family some what and thought he was a nice young man. Little did she know. I can remember sitting on the phone and he would sing Shai "If I ever" (I am dying laughing at that memory) and the relationship was good until he wanted to take it further with sex. Talk about afraid of the DICK, I was deathly afraid of it. Actually I was afraid of being pregnant. So we broke up cause I wasn't putting out.

The next guy I dated was this in 8th grade and he was a transfer from (hell I don't remember) I remember him being 6'5 and playing basketball. Well I really liked him and he was nice just tall and awkward-like. We dated for a while and well one day the question came up about me putting out, actually it started with me questioning him about these red marks on his neck and his response was you want do it I had to find somebody else. So we discussed this situation and I came to the decision that maybe I WAS wasting him time cause I wasn't putting out and I didn't want to hinder his sex life any longer. Just a note a few months later he started dating a friend of mines and I don't think she put out either, at least that's what she said, you can never tell, people lie so.

Lets see the the next guy I remember dating was this guy who harassed so when we were in elementary. Hell I think he made me cry. I don't really remember much about this guy so I will move on to the next. He was this white boy (yes I dated a white boy, it was 9th grade). We will call him House of Pain (HOP). HOP was this cool ass white boy who, was down for the cause (LOL--translation he listen to Cypress Hill and House of Pain, hell he knew more rap songs than me) The reason this relationship stuck out in my mind was because we had to hide our relationship from both of our parents cause D'militant wasn't haven't it (my mother) and David Duke (his father) would die right there on the spot if he knew the sweet young lady that called his house all the time was a colored gurl. It was funny cause that's when Bodyguard had come out with Whitney Houston and Kevin Coastner we felt like we could so relate to that movie. LOL!!!

okay prior to this relationship I am about to introduce I never thought I loved somebody and then I dialed his number (of course calling for his older brother). My freshman year we had a guy come and sit in on our class from the high school (I think he was going to college or something) well anyway he was trying to holla and gave me his number and I called. Well the guy I was calling for wasn't there and his little brother answered and some how we began talking. We will call him "Could this be love-NO" (Could this). Could this was a year ahead of me and was at the high school and we talked and began dating. We dated most of my 9th grade year and went to my Freshman prom and all. Well went through a lot (death of his best friend, some emotional things from his past, etc.) we were close. I would meet up at the skating rink and make out. We broke up right before I went the high school but we still like each other. Not sure why we broke up, but we did. We were in Student Council together and eventually he became President. We dated off and on and other people in between. Well like I said we experienced alot, but the final deal breaker was my decision to lose my virginity to someone else (I know you all thought I was still a virgin to this day) and even though we tried to work through that and pass that I don't think he ever forgave me for sleeping with as he would say a "Random Nigga" (oh I forgot Nigga is dead...per the NAACP....R.I.P Nigga) I must say this was the first time that I actually was hurt by a relationship and shit I didn't like it. I also learned that honest ain't the best policy. Random and I were friends (sounds familiar, see blog on pops) and Could this knew we were friends, hell they even talked to one another, even realized they had messed with some of the same girls (not me.....LOL!!!! so one thought). but I night I felt the need to be honest and tell him what was really going on. Do you know the (the dead word) block all my calls. WTF????? see that's the kind of shit that will have me at your door in footie's and a housecoat (LOL, not really). Well I haven't heard from him nor about him.

I think this is where I made my wrong turn. RANDOM. He was this bothersome, wearisome ass brother who tried to holla at ever one. That's what he was known for. Every time you saw him he was up in some girls face trying to holla. he was not the cutest thing, he was dark as 6 midnights, had a high top fade that was high as hell, BUT He had a body like WHOA.... he was the quarterback at his high school and was funny as hell. So I entertained him and one thing lead to another and well....let me back up before one thing lead to another he told me he was going to break up with his girlfriend and be with me (now why did i think that cause i knew he was going to see her after he left me, cause he had to return her car) and I believed him. Well I learned a lot from him never trust a big dick and a smile plus a body like whoa you will get hurt every time. Of course he didn't break up with her, but he still wanted to have me around (SERIOUSLY??) I had to learn my game face (which he taught me). I had to muster up the strength with him on top of me naked as a jay bird to say these words (I AM NOT THAT IN TO YOU, THIS IS DOING NOTHING FOR ME COULD YOU PLEASE GET OFF OF ME I NEED TO GO IRON MY CLOTHES FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW). of course he looks at me with this dumb look and he responds don't be mad at me, stop playing i respond (I AM NOT PLAYIN" I AM SERIOUS) with my game face on and he moves and I proceed to go iron my clothes for school. He tries to talk to me and he realizes that he had created a monster, he acknowledge that I was no longer the shy gyrl he knew and that he was proud of me for not letting him play me and he wished me the best the luck. I will say at the time I was so confused but I have later resolved that what RANDOM was saying is game recognizes game and now you know what it feels like to be play'd never let it happen again. Till this day people see him and say that he asks about me (though he's married).

Now before I graduated from high school I encountered 3 interesting fellas: Shaft, Kwame' and his brother. Shaft was this guy I met not really sure how but my hometown was really small. Shaft had two older brothers, his oldest brother was my dance instructor (he taught Hip Hop) and he was best friends with this guy I occupied time with before Shaft. Now shaft and I had fun, he went to another school and a crazy ex sometimes current sometimes girlfriends. (now this girl had a brother who i used to talked to which was just crazy all around and she didn't like me from that cause she thought I was breaking up her brother and good friend, so needless to say she really didn't like me now that I was messing with her on/off boyfriend). But it wasn't my fault they came after me. Well anyway Shaft and I occupied time, and then his friend that I dated came home for holiday and they were together and it was really awkward. I didn't know they were close and his name never came up until that day. So I had to be honest and tell him how we knew each other. (who said honesty was the best policy) he eventually got over it, but he never looked at me the same and when we ended he told me that I would be back cause I was gonna get down there and get played and come back pregnant before I knew it. For some reason that just hit home and I vowed that would never happen to me that i would not give him the satisfaction of saying I TOLD YOU SO.
Now Kwame' and his brother were some progressive motherphuckers. I Kwame was a year or two older than me and his bother was like age I don't know but I can remember him always saying he could go to jail for phucking with me he was old enough to get alcohol (not sure legally or just on his looks). I initially started talking to the Kwame's brother and we would kick it even though he was to damn old for me. I would go by the house and hang out. Well I went by one day and the brother wasn't there so Kwame and I started talking and next thing I know his tongue is in my mouth WTF.....I don't fuck with brothers. So I guess Kwame saw the look on my face and was like I am so sorry. So by the time we move pass that the brother comes home and all is good well the brother and I just kinda fell off and I never heard from them again. Well the day before I left for college Kwame calls me and says I can't believe you are gonna leave without saying good bye. Well needless to say he came over and we said our good byes. How crazy is this, I was in a major city for a job interview and visiting with friends and I see brother out at a club and pretty much presented and opportunity for us to pick up where we lift off (dude seriously after like 5 years you just want to pick up) well and then just recently when I was on myspace I had both of them as my friend and we would talk and they would covertly suggest we hook up to catch up-----NO THANK YOU!!! and the last straw (okay I need to stop fronting in a sick and twisted way I was flattered) was when Kwame' sent me a message for my birthday saying that he has never forgotten me and the time we shared. For a brief minute I had gotten soft and then I had to come to myself.

Okay I think this is enough therapy for today....I will finish this blog later with my college and post college androphobia.

NOTE I AM NOT SURE HOW LONG THIS WILL STAY UP CAUSE IT IS TRULY SOME PERSONALLY SHIT.......

i am so NOT the person you use to know

2007-10-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

About a month or two ago I ran into a guy I knew while I was in college. I may have blog about him already but just in case. I met him my freshman year in college I can only think of 2 occasions (shout out the the deal) of meeting him, not sure which happened first. One time was at this club called Dreams (oh I was a regular on Thursday nights, thanx smoochz) I remember dancing with him and he taught me how to do the husla husla and we would rock the dance floor (that sounds so 80's) and the second time was at a skating party. Well he was from my same hometown and everything. Over Christmas break we hung and and the next semester we hung out as well. Well that summer I came home and he was home to and was having a party and had invited me. I declined cause i was like I have plans with my friends and his response was you'll should come and I was like naw I'm cool, cause it would be my luck your crazy ex girl would show up and I don't do DRAMA. He was no she want and if you change your mind stop buy. Well I changed my mind and stopped by with my friends. I asked them to stay in the car and I was gonna see if it was lame or what. So I walk up to the door and people are all walking out so I ask if Mr. Jag was there and they were like he is inside so as I move closer to the door he walks out with some chick (yes his ex girlfriend). I say hey and I see that you are busy I was just stopping by give me a call when you get a chance and just walk away. He was shocked to say the least and was like you don't have to leave (as I here ex in the back saying who is that). I was like oh no I am good we are gonna find something else to do. Well that summer he called and called and was trying to apologize and make up. Needless to say I was finished with him.

Well I would see him a few times during my college days and even in my law schools days. Then I saw him a couple of months in church and we have been talking a couple of days. MY POINT your wondering is.

Well I saw him this past weekend and we hung out and had a good time. Well he makes this statement and I just chuckled inside. What does he say "I see you are still afraid and shy". WTF, LOL!!!!!!

I have a confession: there once was a time that I was afraid of men, but that time has come and gone. Okay I will come back and open that up.

oh the rage.....

2007-10-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

Okay its 8:57 and I have clients coming in at 9:00.... okay what has been going on. It has been a really interesting (to say the least weekend). I think the last time I wrote my dad's girlfriend had just come into town. Well she is still here she leaves in the morning, she is back at the house now. Okay let me see if I can catch you up on my father.

My father is a very interesting man (actually if you knew of my grandfather, great-grandfather and even me a little you would understand). My dad has an ex-wife/baby mama (my mother); a wife (we will call her Carole Brady) and girlfriends (we will call her.......El hetto). So lets see my parents married 8/1977 (approx. a year before my introduction to society). The were engaged and my father called it off, he dated a college friend of my aunt (his older sister) and in his words "was wide open" at some point my parents get married. As far back as I can remember my dad has always had a girlfriend. His Modus operandi is that is in a relationship which isn't satisfying him completely meets a female friend at work who he connects with introducing him to the woman who he is in a relationship with then at some point that women begins to question that relationship and then magically they are living together or dating. Case in point. When my family moved to Arkansas my dad was working for Sam Walton and his mighty organization he meet this lady who was his friend from work, at some point he moved in with her and next thing I know they are off to Colorado to live together. Well that didn't work out (surprise surprise) and then he moves to Arizona, California, Kansas and back to Cali. Well his first stay in Cali, he met his Carole (at work of course) he was living with some woman never met her, and it wasn't working out so he moves out to Kansas and next thing I know he is back in California Carole. Well he and Carole date, shack and he attempts to assist with the raising of her kids (another blog for another time) well, my freshman year in college my dad has Carole send my mom the divorce papers cause they are going to get married. Well seeing that my parents had been separated since I was in the 5ht grade I guess it was time to make it official. well my dad and Carole get married (of course I am not invited to the wedding, surprise surprise). Well they move around the Bay Area being the picturesque California extended family and what happens' (my dad meets a friend from work) and well you know it becomes a problem my dad gets mad at his current wife, goes and visits El hetto and history once again repeats itself. Now el hetto gets REALLY REALLY REALLY sick and my dad believes its his responsibility to take care of her because she took care of him when he was ill and is wife made him made and he had to come out to Texas and visit her (yes my dad drove from the Bay area, California to West Texas because he had gotten mad at his wife and the only person he had to got to was El hetto) Well anyway El hetto got sick so my dad pack she and her daughters up and move them to Southern California, and yes he moved there to well they lived there for some time and on random day in July my dad calls me and ask me if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet, my response was I had to talk with my roommate, (my mother) she was okay with it so he came. FAst Forward a couple of months and we are here and his girlfriend comes to visit. WHAT THE HELL....okay reader let me pose a hypothetical to you, if the man you are living sales his car, quits his job, packs up all his shit, gets on a train and goes to live with his ex-wife and daughter in another time zone wouldn't you think maybe its me? or at least maybe he does want to be with me. Why in the hell would you entertain visiting him at his ex-wife/daughters home and consider moving there. WTF.....

Okay my 9:00 is here (yeah its 9:19) so I think this a good stopping point

OH SHIT, WHY DID I DO THAT!!!!

2007-10-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

Okay I was looking at my blogs and realized that I have hit a milestone (hey celebrate the little victories), I have written 10 blogs. But I also realized that the only person reading was my dear linesister Serenity23 (maybe because I haven't invited anyone else). So what do I do I go to my contacts and invite several people who's opinion I value. WHAT THE HELL I GO AND DO THAT FOR!!!! SHIT NOW I CAN'T BLOG ABOUT THEM CAUSE THERE READING BACK TO WHERE I STARTED NOT ABLE TO SAY WHAT I REALLY THINK OR WHAT I REALLY FEEL.......i refuse to be suppressed in my house and damnit this is my house (who's house----Run's house, scratch that Freespeech22's house) So I welcome you all but hey if the shoe fits you got to wear it and I welcome you to correct me when i am wrong but remember i have the power of deletion.

In addition to Bringin' Sexy Back I got to drop off some of this baggage before i turn 30. So I welcome your help. Goes I am gonna be BranNew 8.23.08 @ 7:12 a.m.

LOVE YOU

This is what happens when you write a blog for three days

2007-10-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

The last time I wrote I said that Serenity23 was fucking with me and I promise she is.....the reason I am doing this particular blog is because she sent me a note and said "uh, where's today's blog". Truth be told I wasn't doing anything I was on the phone with MCI (bitches) with a guy who sounded like the slushy guy off the Simpson's but he tells me his name is Mark, now you know his name ain't Mark. anyway...I actually started this blog earlier but so how got side tracked and never got back to it.

But Serenity23 isn't the only one fucking with me. We will call him Mr. Phuck-around-to-phuck around (Mr. PaP for short). Let me tell you about this guy. I met him my last year in law school he is from North Louisiana like myself. I didn't really give him the time a day in law school cause I felt he was full of shit. I based that off the fact he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't (or that's what I thought) be honest with me about his relationship with a classmates of mines. He would just say they were study partners and maybe she had feelings for him but that was her. Now mind you this girl completely stopped talking to me, associating with me and pretty much started acting stank with me when Mr. Pap started showing some interest in me. I would constantly give him opportunities to just say what it was going on, but because he never did I just kept him at a distance. I thought he was interesting but I still thought he was full of shit. Well fast forward about 3 years forward. The amazing tools of myspace (which I am no longer on) and its ability to reconnect friends and foes. Well we reconnected and chit chat and I found myself interested. Well for those that don't know I have some strange ways, one day we were talking and he was saying how he needed to come up my way and what not I told him that if he came my way and didn't call I would never talk to him again. Well the day came that he was to be in town and no call .....DELETE. and besides I was dating someone who pretty much had my extra time and attention. Well fast forward a couple of months and my boyfriend and I are no longer together and I am in the middle of my first jury trial and he calls. Actually I think I had just gotten my verdict (GUILTY) and was pretty bummed out. Cause this guy was offered 10 years and now is looking at up to 30. well anyway I talk with him and he has just the right words something to the effect "this verdict is no reflection on your abilities as a lawyer". Damn he just fell right in with that.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS BLOG FOR DAYS (back to your regularly scheduled programs)

I was like yeah and felt a lot better. He just know what to say, he is a great listener he is wonderful. Problem he lives an hour and a half away from me and he is seeing someone (not sure how serious it is but he is none the less). The first time I went to see him I met his family (that shit threw me for a loop) cause in my world you have to be around for a minutes (like months) before you meet the family cause I don't want them getting attached to you cause you may not be around long. well anyway he was asking all the right questions and I was working through whatever it was that was bothering me (see had i finished earlier I it would have been all good). Well fast forward to today, I have have issues (that's an understatement) but if I don't feel like I am getting my required attention (and yes it various from day to day) I will pretty much be done with you. Well I called him Wednesday and Thursday and he was busy and never called me back. (I HATE THAT) so I am glad I never programed him back into my phone (speaking of which I need to delete some names and numbers).

So what's going on with me...not sure. This started out as one thing but has evolved into another. When I was talking to Mr. PaPa I was telling him how I felt like sometimes I was the glue that held my family together, like there are so many expectations for me that there really isn't time for me to be me (whoever that is). Case in point- My father has moved back to LA and is living with my mother and I (this family dynamic hasn't happened in like 20years) well anyway his girlfriend was coming to visit (another blog for another day). So my father was dealing with those logistics and what not (cause she wasn't staying with us). Well my dad started a new job this week that he is so excited about. Well last night/this morning his girlfriends flight comes in (at an airport 3+ hours away), they were suppose to be staying at his best friends house (who is going through a divorce) but that fell through, so they show up at the house at like 6:45 a.m. and my dad is apologizing but like I am not going to work (that's shit you just started) so I get in my ZONE I tell my dad that he needs to get dressed for work cause he is not going to be late, I tell his girlfriend she can have my room, the DirectTV man was suppose to coming between 8-12, so my mom stays at home in case he calls or comes. So I take my Dad to work, his girlfriend comes with us. We get back and I lay down for a minute then just when I was getting in the shower the DirectTV guy shows up and does his installations (which I have to be there for cause my mom would have been paralyzed by his presence) So I call work and tell them I am gonna be late for my meeting (this is why I can't leave) actually end up moving them to early Tuesday morning (ass kicker) get that squared away, call Kari and cancel my hair appointment and schedule one for next Friday cause I have things to do and make sure they get done. Call my aunt and let her know that I am picking my dad up and head into work.

So what was suppose to be an easy breezy day is not.....I haven't even really eaten today cause I am just trying to make sure all goes well. A friend of mines is coming into town and wanted to do dinner but I am not sure if I can. I have to work at a Heart Walk tomorrow morning and have a deb. ball meeting Sunday....so I don't know what I am gonna do.

Like I said this blog was started out to be so different, I was gonna address some concerns I was having one in particular "Can you be aggravated with God?" I will try to pray on that and well blog about that later (next week).

Sorry for the ramble but I had to finish this blog some way.

Back Door whispering in my ear.......

2007-10-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

Okay if you haven't figured it out Serenity23 is my line sister, my back door and it was her that motivated me to began blogging. Occasionally she poses these questions on her blog about this that and another and I am feel its the responsible thing to do is to respond so on her last blog this is what she proposes. Just a side note, I thinks she is fucking with me, reading my mind, or something cause this is truly some sick timing.

1. Do you know what your purpose is?
UGH no, I tried to do Rick Warren's book a purpose driven life but I just didn't finish it.....I wonder sometimes weather I made a wrong turn back there and have completely missed my purpose and this is as good as it gets......Oh the humanity (I cry if it is).

2. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Oh so many things. (a) Politician like Lt. Governor of Arkansas or Vice-President not in charged but close to being in charged I wanted POWER but no RESPONSIBILITY....LOL!!! (b) Ab attorney cause I thought that would be cool and people said that would be good for me cause as a child I saw things differently, asked a bunch and talk a lot. (c) Archaeologist- I loved history and wanted to dig in Egypt and find cool artifacts (not like Indiana Jones) something more serious and respected. (d) Psychologist cause I just believe the human mind is fascinating and I could really help people. (e) Sociologist cause I love to watch people and study them I have a friend and we have people in our lives that we call "case studies" and we truly sit and discuss them from top to bottom, inside out. (f) Robotic Engineer-I loved the thought of creating something that could help people and I love building and mechanical stuff.

3. Is that what you are now?
I am an attorney...and that is truly by the grace of God.....As for the other things when I got to college I was intimidated by the curriculum (okay I was just lazy and didn't want anything to hard, so I majored in Information Systems Decision Science....LOL!!!) Most of these disciplines were in the Arts and Science College and you had to take at least 2 years of a foreign language and that just wasn't for me. I took 2 years of Spanish in high school and all I developed was a dislike for Spanish speaking people, I am not sure if it was its presentation or what and I only new that Spanish on a college level would only expose me to being in the Clock Tower with a riffle so I passed and went with ISDS.

4. What people in life did you admire?
I admired Flo-Jo (cause I thought I was going to be a track star, not the Olympics or anything but maybe just college scholarship or something (okay I quit track like my Jr. year in High School but I started loosing interest my sophomore year when my coach put me on hurdles. My mother to this day I am terrified of having kids cause I don't think I will be half the mother my mother was and anything less the perfect (being my mom) is unacceptable and unfair to my children. MJW- she is a woman who is at my old church she is full of wisdom and knowledge she has lived a Christian life and she is someone I want to be like when i grow up. Ms.Pochoo- she was this woman in my old church who i just thought was the greatest she use to sing this song "If anybody ask you who I am...." and tear the house down. I love her voice, her spirit she was real, I remember her talking about her days in the clubs and how she would be after drinking whiskey and say it was like the table would say "Get up her come on and get up her and dance" she was so honest and truthful about her walk, she would say I ain't always been in the church. I just loved that about her.

5. What were you created for?
Not really sure I think I may be in the boot camp phase of my creation and hopefully if I stay (get) diligent over what I have now the Lord will bless me with more. I believe what I am doing now is what am suppose to be doing. Cause as much as I hate it I still have a peace, as much as i want to quit I still come back each day.